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 Posted: Mon May 31, 2010 5:09 pm
mine was perfect, untill about 5 minutes ago :/
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Posted: Mon May 31, 2010 6:31 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 7:21 am
Sunburnt (:
Sorry for no posting. I'm technically " grounded " but those are loose terms for me.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:30 am
okayy, so i went to the river and just had this amazing day. then, i went to hang out with my friend Connor (tho, i always call him leighton) bcus he's moving to Canada in 2 weeks and i knew this was my last chance to see him.
Anyways, we were having fun and all that untill the very end, in which he kissed me. tho, i did the worst thing possiable, i let him. for like 5 seconds, then i freaked out and pulled away. Of course, he started talking to me in that fake sweet annoying voice some guys talk to their gf (i HATE that, it makes me feel like they're talking to some fragil pathatic thing!, i'd dump any guy just for that), and that just made things worse. but he said the worst thing of all "maybe you can be my reason for staying". I dont ever wanna be the girl a guy gives up everything for. i hate it when people are so dumb and do that crap, basicaly, i'm independent. cant you tell? After he said that i was like "take me home." so he drove me home and stuff then we talked on this IM. ima make it super small because its way to many words. if you wanna read it, you can put it on word or something. him (8:22:00 PM): im sorry, but some part of me cant really shake the feeling of rejection
him (8:22:08 PM): im not very good at acting like nothings wrong.
elaineenicolee (8:22:15 PM): i know.
elaineenicolee (8:22:27 PM): i'm so sorry, i really am.
him (8:23:40 PM): its weird. i never thought ANYTHING would stop me from wanting to go to canada, until tonight. i had always cared for you, and tonight it just, exploded..i was so scared, then i was happy when we were close, and then it was like. done..
elaineenicolee (8:25:01 PM): i love you Connor, i do. just, i cant be like that with you. it'll destroy us. your one of my best friends and your so important to me. i dont wanna lose our friendship.
him (8:25:38 PM): ive heard that answer before. im not good enough
elaineenicolee (8:25:55 PM): no connor, thats not it.
elaineenicolee (8:26:12 PM): if that were the case, i would have kept kissing you!
elaineenicolee (8:26:27 PM): but, its because you mean to much to me to just throw our friendship away
him (8:26:43 PM): i just havent been happy in years, and that, made me happy for once, and then it was gonee
him (8:27:23 PM): i felt, happy around you. and i hate that answer. because in situations like that. its NEVER thrown the friendship away.
elaineenicolee (8:28:04 PM): it has with me! i'm not friends with any of my exs or flings, no matter how great of friends we were. it destroyed us.
him (8:28:18 PM): maybe i was different.
him (8:28:35 PM): i just, knew i wouldnt get a chancee. i kinda prepared for it, but, that didnt do much
elaineenicolee (8:29:40 PM): :/
elaineenicolee (8:31:54 PM): connor, its not because you're not good enough or you didnt deserve the chance (bcus, you deserve the best).
elaineenicolee (8:32:23 PM): its just that, you're one of those guys i can tell everything to. the one thats always there and makes me sooo happy.
elaineenicolee (8:32:49 PM): but, relationships fall apart, and friendships along with it. &, i cant risk losing you
him (8:33:01 PM): so why cant i be the guy that can hold you while your telling me?
him (8:33:09 PM): look. ive been cheated on, plenty of times. and i was never bitter
him (8:33:15 PM): nobody has lost me. ever
elaineenicolee (8:33:54 PM): bcus, things will eventually come between us. they always do in relationships. i just cant connor
him (8:34:23 PM): i just wanted the chance to show you i was different, and that i could make you happy.
elaineenicolee (8:35:15 PM): you do make me happy connor, but i dont think i can be happy with me and you as a us.
him (8:35:28 PM): why not?
elaineenicolee (8:36:18 PM): bcus, i wouldnt be able to be as open as i am now with you. &, just crap connor.
him (8:38:22 PM): i knew i shouldnt show my feelings, ive felt like that, since i met you, you interested me immediatly, and i just thought maybe, maybe i could have at least one chance, even if it was a shot in the dark, which i guess it was
elaineenicolee (8:39:00 PM): please dont say that, just take it back, and we'll forget this ever happened. &, go back to the way things were.
him (8:39:26 PM): ]:
elaineenicolee (8:40:05 PM): :/
him (8:41:09 PM): i wait two years, before i show feelings for anybody, and this happens again =/
elaineenicolee (8:41:53 PM): connor, i love you. okay?
him (8:42:01 PM): yeahh.
elaineenicolee (8:42:24 PM): now, ima go so we can talk tomorrow when we've had a nights rest and can think straight. alright?
him (8:42:40 PM): wont help, you cant just, kill feelings. ive never been good at that
him (8:43:00 PM): i just thought you would be different, and that id have a chance.
elaineenicolee (8:43:23 PM): bye connor
him (8:43:26 PM): yeah.
him (8:43:28 PM): thanks.
him (8:44:46 PM): if anything. iw ould think this would ruin us worsee.
elaineenicolee (8:45:00 PM): Dont you think i know that!
elaineenicolee (8:45:13 PM): why do you think i'm so upset right now!
elaineenicolee (8:45:15 PM): ?
him (8:45:34 PM): because you think this could end up worse than if we had a relationship?
elaineenicolee (8:45:53 PM): both ways, we're ******** screwed.
elaineenicolee (8:46:05 PM): god, i wish you could understand how i feel right now!
him (8:46:11 PM): its not true. you should believe babe
elaineenicolee (8:46:31 PM): yea, i know it hurts that i rejected you. but its hurting me to.
elaineenicolee (8:46:40 PM): i cant do us, i cant do any relationship
elaineenicolee (8:46:51 PM): but, if i dont do us i lose someone who means the world to me
him(8:47:09 PM): you try with other people, and it fails because you dont try with someone who really cares
him (8:47:12 PM): thats why it fails.
elaineenicolee (8:48:13 PM): no, i cant be with a guy who really really cares about me. when that happens i pull away.
him (8:48:27 PM): i just care..im not obsessedd
elaineenicolee (8:48:27 PM): but when i'm with a guy who doesnt, he pulls away.
elaineenicolee (8:48:32 PM): i know that
him (8:49:03 PM): i wouldnt pull away
elaineenicolee (8:49:28 PM): i know you wont connor, i cant even explain this.
elaineenicolee (8:49:52 PM): anywho, i'm about to leave for a whole summer where i'll bearly be able to talk to the outside world.
elaineenicolee (8:50:13 PM): you're moving out of the freaking country, and i dont want to be your reason to stay.
him(8:50:27 PM): i needed a reason..
him (8:50:41 PM): i wanted one,
him (8:50:52 PM): i was moving there because i have nothing
elaineenicolee (8:51:20 PM): but you can start something. you can start fresh
him(8:51:56 PM): nevermind, once again. nobody understands. i promised myself iw ouldnt cryy
elaineenicolee (8:52:31 PM): i'm sorry.
him (8:53:05 PM): yeah, i can only hope. maybe youll have a change of heart, i just hope =/
him (8:53:16 PM): but thats never gotten me to far
elaineenicolee (8:53:21 PM): i have to go.
him (8:53:28 PM): just, think about it...
him (8:53:33 PM): alright?
elaineenicolee (8:53:44 PM): connor, its going to be a no.
him (8:53:57 PM): s**t, well. that hurt a little more too.
elaineenicolee (8:54:05 PM): bye
him (8:54:14 PM): yeah, good luck with your life. anywho, now i feel like crap because he's one of my bestfriends and now ima lose him just because of that. &, i dont feel the same for him at all! i never will. and, even if i did, starting a realtionship right now before he moves to Canada and before i leave for my internship, basicaly sucks. Plus, he's the guy i talk to about everything. the guy i talk to about other boys, & all the crap in between. i cant talk to him about everything if we dated, because there are just some things you dont talk to your BF about. &, i know he's not my soul mate and that our relationship would not only end, but crash and burn. which, would leave me friendless and with tons of hurt.
&, he's making this an all or nothing situation. :/
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:33 am
&@Christi, why are you grounded?
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 11:03 am
That really sucks /: I've been in that situation before..
I don't know if I am anymore. But, my stepdads a douche.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 11:12 am
&, how'd it turn out?
i know i'm not going to date him, & i have alot of good reasons not to.
i mean, ima have to get a passport just to visit him
&, i'm not alloweed outside of the country untill i'm 18. (my parents are jerks!)
i'm about to leave for 10 weeks and wont be able to talk to him whatsoever.
i dont wanna ruin our friendship.
& most of all, i dont see him that way.
butttt, as long as he's all 'its all or nothing' theres no way ima be able to keep our friendship together,
& i dont wanna lose him as a friend.
most stepdad's are douches.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 11:47 am
We dated for about a year and broke up becuase he got really insecure and I never saw him. he also lived in Canada.
If you don't see him as that, don't even bother. You'd just be leading him on.
Yes ma'am.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:09 pm
i've never had a realtionship thats lasted more than 3 months, ales they were non official flings (i had one that lasted for about 6 months, then on and off again for the following 6 months) and i know i couldnt have a realtionship work ales me and the guy liked each other the same amount. bcus, if i can tell they're falling for me and i'm not falling for them, i start pulling away and eventually break it off. when its the other way around, they break up with me and i'm tottaly pathatic. thats why i'm in the whole 'no dating' thing right now ales i really like someone and belive they really like me.
anywho, i dont plan on dating him whatsoever. butt, is it possible for us to still be friends? or what :/
&&, i posted this mainly for Rachy <3 readdd
i wrote that peice for my audition to the school i'm going to next year, & its based on the scene that started everything between Thorne and Mitsukai. I wrote it around late Feb, and the only one of my friends thats read it is Shauna. soo, i figured i'd make it public since i'm so proud of it.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:12 pm
I don't talk to him anymore. So, idk.
Yeah, I'm exactly the same way with relationships /: I usually use the excuse "I don't date" when I don't want to get involved with a guy. And since I live in Alabama, I can always say "My step dad has like eight guns, so..."
(:
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:28 pm
Yeaa, i could use that as my excuse if my Dad got his way and moved me to no town Georgia.
but then again, most of the people in that town are also hicks, so i guess the threat wouldnt work that much.
theres only one guy i like, and i dont plan on starting a realtionship with him till atleast the summer is over.
&, even with that, i wanna wait till like the middle of the school year, if even that soon.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 3:43 pm
update on sucky friendship:elaineenicolee (5:24:14 PM): hey
him (5:24:34 PM): hey, sorry facebook is messing up. now what were you saying?
elaineenicolee (5:24:42 PM): i thought about everything.
elaineenicolee (5:26:20 PM): &, i've decided that because i care about you so much, i'm not going to lead you on a pretend i have any romantic feelings towards you. you're like a brother or a great friend, nothing more.
elaineenicolee (5:26:35 PM): but, i dont want our friendship to end just because of that.
him (5:28:03 PM): hmm.
elaineenicolee (5:29:11 PM): hmm?
him (5:30:05 PM): ya i figured i wasnt as interesting as your other boy friends.
elaineenicolee (5:30:23 PM): thats not why whatsoever.
him (5:31:05 PM): answers like "your just a friend" are so full of s**t, because great relationships start with friendship. because you already have that trust.
elaineenicolee (5:36:07 PM): yea, but thats if someone starts liking their friend.
elaineenicolee (5:36:25 PM): and, if great realtionships dont develop, the friendship falls apart
elaineenicolee (5:36:39 PM): so, it all depends if its worth the risk, & with you, its not.
him (5:36:57 PM): lol, im not worth the risk?
him (5:38:23 PM): told you, im not good enough, thanks.
elaineenicolee (5:38:33 PM): THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT!
elaineenicolee (5:38:42 PM): i mean, our friendship means to much for me!
elaineenicolee (5:38:48 PM): to much to me*
him (5:39:56 PM): if you would rather be in a relationship with immature guys that dont give a ********, then whatever.
him (5:40:05 PM): this is why i dont believe in anything.
elaineenicolee (5:40:15 PM): i dont even want realtionships anymore!
him (5:40:30 PM): hah, if that "guy you like" asked you out, youd say yes. hah
elaineenicolee (5:41:10 PM): thats because i can see myself having a future with him,
him (5:41:14 PM): you and me would never work.
him (5:41:19 PM): LOL how so?
elaineenicolee (5:42:24 PM): bcus he loves god with his everything, he's into missions, and everything he does basicaly worships god. thats the boy i need in my life right now, and i dont plan on seatling for anyone who doesnt love god with all of his heart.
him (5:42:56 PM): hahahhahah
elaineenicolee (5:43:40 PM): so you laugh at me??
him (5:44:10 PM): you act like it matters
him (5:44:16 PM): oh, hes a christian. hes so perfect
him (5:44:23 PM): he could still ******** you over.
elaineenicolee (5:44:33 PM): yea he could, i'm aware of that.
elaineenicolee (5:44:46 PM): but atleast i know his values are in the right place.
him (5:45:10 PM): so are mine.
elaineenicolee (5:45:20 PM): &, this isnt about other guys. this is about us! he doesnt matter, bcus right now, i'd say no to anyone who asked.
elaineenicolee (5:45:34 PM): connor, what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
him (5:46:06 PM): having a successful music career, and able to help charitys and those in need with the extra money.
elaineenicolee (5:46:50 PM): well, i see my self on the mission field with someone who will be there beside me, helping others hands on.
elaineenicolee (5:47:01 PM): and, i've had enough flings to last me a lifetime
elaineenicolee (5:47:22 PM): now, ales i see a realtionship lasting, i'm not giving it a shot.
him (5:47:54 PM): who cares how much into helping people someones into...it matters whats in the heart
elaineenicolee (5:48:21 PM): it matters if i see me and them having a future together, and going on the same path.
elaineenicolee (5:48:33 PM): path in life*
elaineenicolee (5:48:51 PM): me and you are to diffrent for anything to last
him (5:49:26 PM): you dont know that. you hardly know anything about my peronal lif and beliefs
elaineenicolee (5:49:40 PM): but i know how i feel about you.
him (5:49:56 PM): yeah, nothing eh?
elaineenicolee (5:50:08 PM): not nothing, but obviously not enough.
him (5:50:26 PM): yeah apparently not. its funny. just because someones not EXACTLY how you want them. you push them away
elaineenicolee (5:50:45 PM): thats what i'm good at now, pushing people away.
elaineenicolee (5:50:56 PM): i've been hurt far to many times to seatle.
him (5:51:06 PM): ive never hurt you.
elaineenicolee (5:51:12 PM): you would.
elaineenicolee (5:51:20 PM): or i'd hurt you
him (5:51:27 PM): you dont know the future.
elaineenicolee (5:52:06 PM): but i'm not nieve
him (5:53:48 PM): its just, hurtful. you wouldnt even take a chance, i mean. that s**t would ruin a friendship faster than a relationship would..
elaineenicolee (5:54:12 PM): its only ruining our friendship bcus your letting it.
elaineenicolee (5:54:26 PM): and, why should i just lead you on? i'd be a shitty friend and person if i did that
him (5:54:30 PM): maybe its ruining it because you wont let it.
him (5:54:55 PM): ah whatever. it wouldnt be leading me on.
elaineenicolee (5:55:27 PM): really? if we started something and i didnt feel that way about you? that'd be leading you on.
him (5:55:51 PM): why did we kiss yesterday?
elaineenicolee (5:57:04 PM): bcus you got caught in the moment,
elaineenicolee (5:57:17 PM): and, you know what i felt during that kiss?
him (5:57:22 PM): what.
elaineenicolee (5:57:53 PM): absolute guilt bcus i didnt feel the same way and i knew i was hurting you, so i pulled away so i wouldnt lead you on.
elaineenicolee (5:58:06 PM): i've made out with guys i didnt feel jack s**t for.
him (5:59:26 PM): oh, but, you stop me?
elaineenicolee (5:59:46 PM): bcus i care about you, and i didnt want to hurt you more.
elaineenicolee (6:00:03 PM): honestly, i wish i didnt even let it get to that point. i feel horriable, you cant even imagine.
him (6:00:55 PM): well, im used to it. happens everytime.
him (6:01:16 PM): i just let my guard down, because i thought i wouldnt get hurt.
him (6:01:26 PM): once again, wrong lol
elaineenicolee (6:01:31 PM): you know what, ******** it!
elaineenicolee (6:01:39 PM): you obviously dont even want to be friends
him (6:01:43 PM): no, its not that
elaineenicolee (6:02:00 PM): so, you just going to keep making me feel like crap about what happened?
elaineenicolee (6:02:09 PM): i already ******** hate myself for it!
him (6:02:12 PM): its fine
him (6:02:17 PM): you did what you had to do.
him (6:02:27 PM): s**t sucks, but eh. it happens.
elaineenicolee (6:03:05 PM): can we just forget about yesterday?
him (6:04:04 PM): go for it.
elaineenicolee (6:04:30 PM): you're still going to write me letters and send me a post card, right?
him (6:05:03 PM): i can i guess
elaineenicolee (6:05:17 PM): i'm not asking if you can, i'm asking if you're gonna
him (6:05:45 PM): ya
elaineenicolee (6:05:54 PM): okay, good (:
him (6:07:57 PM): im going for a walk, peace.
elaineenicolee (6:08:48 PM): byeonce again, i made it small so those who dont wanna read it, dont have to.
soo, basicaly we're going to pretend like nothing is wrong untill he leaves, then he probably wont write me. wonderfull right?
now, ima try to work on a post because i feel like i wrote to much in ooc not to post.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:06 pm
He's manipulating you. He is guilting you in to changing your mind. By giving you the "you're my only reason to stay" trip, he wants you to feel so bad, you'd make him stay, then be trapped in a meaningless relationship. He wants to use the "im used to getting hurt this bad" speal so you assume you've up and broken your best friends heart, then say "oh, I'll go out with you" just so you don't hurt him anymore. No offense, but this guy from what I've read is a jackass for what he has been saying to you. I reallllly hate when guys act all insecure and hurt thinknig it will get girls. It's stupid and immature. He's just trying to take advantage of the soft side all guys assume we have.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:17 pm
Elaine, girl, I feel for you sad . But, I just want to say that I think you did the right thing. I know I don’t know the whole story, but from what he sounds like on your iming convo, he seems like he is too insecure about himself to be in any relationship. You have to be happy with yourself and your beliefs before you can enter into a relationship that is happy and healthy. You have to be able to be complete by yourself and not look to another person to be ‘the other half’ or else you’ll never be happy cause you will constantly be searching for someone that will ‘fulfill’ you. Also, any relationship between you two would be impractical seeing as you’ll both be far away from each other with minimal contact. Finally, in that one point where he insinuates that your beliefs aren’t important was the last straw for me as a third-party viewer. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect your beliefs and doesn’t respect you enough to try and understand them. I know the whole situation sucks, but you have to remember that you did the right thing, and that though it’s sad that it had to end like this, there will be other guy friends/best friends. And though it hurts now, this is only one stage in your life; you have years and years ahead of you filled with laughter and friendship. This is only a small bump in the road. You both will heal from this and grow. It just takes time.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:24 pm
Exactly.
Every relationship I have tried with a guy who didn't share my beliefs about God ended horribly. "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God, that a man has to go through Him to find it." (:
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