Welcome to Gaia! ::

Muttering to myself, bits of songs that will never truly be. Tearing at my hair in vain attempts to roust some sort of emotion. Falling to pieces before I ever thought I would. The direction I am to take is blurred by countless descisions I have to make first, any of which could alienate various people, anger others, and distance me still from others. The call for alcohol is great right now, though I know it will only temporarily alleviate the torrent of apathetic emotions running through my brain. Even such ephemeral bliss is a welcome thought, however. To be released from the burdens of my constantly overly analytical mind. To cloud the thoughts, the memories, but also the judgement. A double edged sword in truth.

But does anyone truly care anymore about their fellow man's feelings? Their buddies' fears, thoughts, anxieties, and troublings? No. At one time, perhaps, a sympathetic hand or two would have rested on my nonexistant cyber-shoulder. Now, however, I ramble only to the cold hearts of those become too vain to see anything beyond their own limited visions of self grandeur. No. Such people no longer wish to condescend someone trapped in thoughts, feelings, and fears that they themselves have likely never felt. They have what they want right now. Lives. Someone to hold hands with while watching a movie or going out for a walk in the park. A stable future. Skills that can potentially put them on top of the world. Yet to my sight, they seem to take it all for granted. Never fully realize the true gift of what they have. Sure. I chose my own path. The unstable future. But I didn't choose the fact that I seem to be fading from sight. You know the saying, 'out of sight, out of mind'? Yeah. That's me.

I sometimes feel like I could go to a crowded place and start screaming only to be passed by as if unseen and unheard. Like one of those movies where a guy wakes up dead as a ghost and has to try and communicate futily to the living world which cant see, hear, feel, or even sense him. I wonder how long I would go unnoticed if I were to just stop communicating with the world? Shut myself in my house and focus only on my music, talking only with my bandmates when needed. I wonder how long I could go before someone came looking for me, wondering where I was? Who am I kidding. It likely wouldnt be long. That is reassuring in a way. Sort of. But it doesnt help curb the feeling that I'm becoming invisible. Useless. Forgotten. I used to be infuriated when girls six or more years younger than myself smiled or looked at me suggestively. Now I don't even get those uncomfortable looks from them anymore. First it was the girls my own age that stopped noticing me. Now even the jailbait fails to see me. Even my own friends can often be unaware of my comings and goings when I run into them somewhere. It will go like this. "Oh hey, what's up?" They reply, "nothing much. How about you?" 'Oh not much here either.' Then a few more sentances of idle small talk pass before they become engrossed in something and seem to forget I'm there. I start to walk away, glance back and realize my going is unnoticed. So I shrug and leave. Only once out of the hundreds of times that this has happened, has someone inquired later...many hours later...where I had gone. And that was after I tried calling them. Heh...Whatever.

I'm sure, however, that our cold, distant, and ever dour leader will disapprove of this rant and try to make me regret having typed it. Make me feel a fool for thinking anyone gives a damn. I know none of you do, which is why I'm typing this in the first place. But you know? I couldnt care any less what you all think of me anymore. You're all just words on my screen. I can shut off my monitor and poof. You don't exist anymore. Hell, odds are our condescending leader will delete this rant for it's oh so true, yet to him and likely others, 'slanderous' mentions of him. So b***h and moan to me about how I shouldnt rant here. You forget, however, that this is an out of character thread meant for dialogue that isnt a part of the role play. A place for discussion. Random idle chit chat. A place for talking one's thoughts. Well these are my thoughts. You don't like them? Too bad. Go cry to mommy because the big bad internet man is rambling about how no one, on the internet or in reality seems to give a damn about him anymore. God I wish I could get myself drunk right now. Though I really don't want my first time drunk to be alone and when I'm rambling to a bunch of ingrates who couldnt care less for anything other than their own immediate self-gratification. Okay. Maybe enough bitching and moaning on my part. I've said my piece, however random and uncalled for it was. If I upset any of you, I wont give a damn. In fact, it would please me to know people will get upset over such a harmless rant, viewed on a computer screen that's just as cold and lifeless as the keyboard used to type it all. Why get all worked up over the billions of microscopic dots that form these letters which form these words? They can't harm you. They won't make you lose sleep at night. No. I think the reason why at least the guild leader gets upset is cause it shows just how powerless he is over the people in this place. Sure. He could ban people. Me. You. Anyone. But will that truly effect the person themselves? Likely not. We're all powerless here. So why give a damn anymore?

~ o ______ o ~

Ow...feet

...Anime cons are fun...ow

No money so no swag just ran around.

By the end of the night I had like 26 pics taken of me...30 if you includ the ones my mom took...lol and I was just an original charrie.

Nice.

To bad the reg fees are a bit steep...
(considering cons here are held in university or college campus locations so fees are either free - $10, unless you go for a special deal, then cost goes up)

La la la...

Wolf, charming. With any luck you'll be appreciative of the more philosphical and intrigueing direction TJ has decided to his characters. I'm sure the Citadel residents will also enjoy that roller coaster.

And hello to you to, Vice. Care to make an impact, or will you be residing in the shadows for the majority of our upcoming adventures?