Welcome to Gaia! ::

Haha, I still have an in progress story as well. XD My other was a one shot, but this second one I'm not posting at all yet because I only have the prologue written. emo

I'm a total favoriting whore. I'm picky with who I subscribe to unless it's friends, but favorites I'll go all out. Youtube I have 739, Pixiv I have 2202, and DA I have 4213. You don't even want to know about my Photobucket.

My Photobucket is pretty much a mess... or a category of messes. Like I put everything into categories, but there's so much in each category, those are all completely unorganized and stuff. I used to title and give a description to everything even, but it just became too much to handle.

I love literal trailers!

My main album is just random crap I link to; all the side albums are for saving pictures I like into their categories.

Yeah, I've seen both. XD I love the 'backing up in a library' part so much for some reason.

Haha, how sad. Forever unorganized...

Yeah, all those parts were great. XD

Well, on the technicalities - long posts, I think if you prowl through this guild a bit you'll see that I not only create them I respond to them, they aren't exactly threatening. I do prefer them broken up into sections so that I can scroll back and forth, and you do that just fine.

Secondly, you're right I don't like excuses. Moreover, I don't like contradictory excuses. The one adjective I really wouldn't go with is lazy, because lazy people don't give excuses. People have very little discomfiture in acknowledging laziness, many people are even slightly proud of it. The thing I don't like is the "I want to get better" in combination with "well I don't want to try that, that won't work (without even trying)." I also never said you did that, I don't know you well enough at all. I'm just saying my friend did, and that in relation to what you were saying about you were scared of impossibility, to just not do what she did. I wasn't saying that you are. I can just tell you from personally watching her screw up her life over and over again that that does not work. It's forewarning advice, not correction advice.

As for Asperger's, she definitely does not. I do know someone with Asperger's. But again, I wasn't comparing you to my friend, or trying to imply you two were the same people. From what little I can gather I can already tell you aren't very much alike, and that you're problems aside from maybe some surface similarity are not even remotely comparable. I do know that she acknowledged some things, but only very slowly, and didn't like to listen to what she didn't want to hear. I'm also going to say it took me years to say some of the things to her that I'm saying now. I mean one I got to know her problems slowly, two with her there was an importance of trust, because I also had a friendship to protect and didn't want to push her away. There had to be a balance between what she needed to hear, what she would hear, and what she could hear. First to be effective, secondly to maintain my friendship, which was the important part for me - and I think for her as well.

In regards to therapy what you've told me is kind of one sided, so I can't really tell you much in relation to that. You disregard them if they don't listen, but that doesn't give any analysis whatsoever to what extent you are able or willing to listen. If you cut people off because they really aren't helpful, or because you don't like them/their advice. If they really aren't helpful, and you are able to rationally assess that, or get an outside perspective that can rationally assess that, then ending a therapeutic tie that isn't beneficial makes sense. Although again your mom doesn't fall into a therapeutic tie, she isn't - nor should she - fit into that category. So what you do in relation to professional relationships and personal relationships also shouldn't be treated in the same measure. You can change the nature of personal relationships if they are harmful, end them if they really can't be fixed or unhealthy. Professional ones are a cleaner break, and it's more about trying to be objective and not instantly mistrust the next professional because the previous was distasteful.

I don't know what your relationship with your mother is, I also don't know my own feelings on ending personal relationships. My mom had an unhealthy relationship with her family (mother/brother - she had a good one with her dad but he's been dead a long time now), and finally just severed all ties. She loves them, but she could not be a healthy and stable person with them. Likewise I have a friend here whose going through a similar situation with her mom, although atm she doesn't even know that she can say she loves her mother. I still can't reconcile how I feel about all that, about whether family lines can be severed. I do however support these decisions, and am just grateful that I can't personally relate to having experienced a situation where I'd feel compelled to do likewise. I just mention it because it's arguable that there is no such thing as a relationship that an adult can't sever if it proves to be unhealthy. Again I am in no way recommending that at all, and it's definitely not something to ever rashly jump into. Basically I'm just saying that relationships can be limited to what is personally necessary. Some people just can't trust their parents with the details of their life, and have a more shallow and constructed connection. It's not about "I can avoid this person" but "I can't avoid mom," so much as it's about trying to find a way to have a stable relationship with mom, even if it's not necessarily an open one.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like a fortune cookie. What I meant is that the problem with cowardice isn't the feeling fear, it's the avoiding it. That fear is not a bad thing, there is an evolutionary purpose to why we feel fear, and you aren't a coward for feeling overpowered but for just sitting there and letting it overwhelm you. I just meant to say feeling afraid doesn't make you a coward (the whole point to coward is people are ashamed or afraid to feel afraid), it's a basic and natural instinct, and the problem comes from being ruled by fear rather than facing it. So yes, cowardice is a form of feeling fear, but people take that as if I feel fear I am a coward, and that is a horrible thing to be. And I disagree, feeling fear is natural, and it's about learning to deal with it, not feeling ashamed of it.

A lot of people have trouble either making their arguments seem logical, either because they aren't good with words, or because there is just no way to do it. That people are never going to agree. Spending a lot of time trying to get your words in order and trying to make it sound better still might avail nothing. So by actions louder, I just mean don't spend half your life sitting there trying to figure out what to say, just go do the things you are trying to say and the things you need to do. People will watch you and realize what you were trying to say.

I brought up the medicine thing again as an example of my friend blowing stuff off, not as an example of medicine. She'd be on it, and be like "ok I'm on meds so that's it, that'll fix me, I don't have to do anything else." Then stop taking the meds and be like, "see this is my problem, I have no meds, but I can't take them because blah blah blah." It isn't the medicine itself, just the way she used it I was referring to. In general I'm not necessarily a proponent of medicine first/medicine only. You definitely shouldn't be taking a drug you feel doesn't work for you. Although you should, like you said you did with Invega, tapper. You should make sure that if you are stopping your meds you are doing it properly. Talk to a doctor, tell them you are not willing to take this anymore, how to I correctly taper off it, what effects am I looking at, etc. As you said, there are consequences. You don't have to take meds, but you need to be as smart about quitting and/or replacing as anything else.

Anyhow I'm not a therapist, and so honestly I don't think what I should be doing is considering any of that, it is not my professional strength to advise you there. In general though if people say things, either to me or in my direction (and as currently I probably get to things most often in this guild I am going to find postings in threads to be expected as something I'll see), I will respond. Again with the advised grain of salt that I'm not a medical expert, and I just have my own opinions, based on some level of experience with other people, and some reading, and a bit of a natural adeptness for analysis. However I'm not going to analyze areas that need improvement and I'm definitely not going to nail down specific hows. You wrote a post about how you resented your problems and were afraid you couldn't get better. So I responded with what I still believe to be true, that as long as you want to get better and keep making an effort you have good chances and will hopefully see positive results. That it's not easy, but that the biggest thing that usually overwhelms people is that they are afraid to try, and so don't. You can't fail if you don't try. I know, it's why I avoid a romantic life, fear of failing at it. It arguably isn't that important to my professional or social life, it's not as big of a problem for me to do that and function. However I still know the gaping hole of a problem, and how I manage to skirt around confronting it.

The problem with petty and self-centered is people don't take you seriously. It sounds like you're saying you know everything, but then people wonder why you're a mess. If you've got it so together you shouldn't be a mess. You don't want pity, but then you complain, and it's a contradiction. There are middle grounds between snob and emo, even in regards to having several social and personal problems. You shouldn't have to choose between hating yourself and being hated. In general if you like yourself other people will like you. So the priority should be liking yourself - but genuinely liking yourself.

My aunt died when I was 7, I didn't understand death, I cried because my dad cried. And it wasn't long after that it didn't bother me. My neighbor died when I was about 12, it made me uncomfortable. I recovered, life moved on. Death destroyed me when I was 22. I'm still only barely learning to deal with it, it still bothers me every day. Being old enough to understand, having the friend who died be your age, someone you weren't expecting to die for years and years. It's not just death, it's tragedy. I understand death, and it's understanding death that made it so unbearable.

Vague is fine, you don't have to tell me anything. Again this isn't a professional relationship, there aren't rules. Granted I can't possibly consider a fact I don't have as evidence of a possible change in outlook. I'm not saying all people have an equal playing ground. Yes, you clearly have gotten quite the stack of misfortunes, from Asperger's, to family problems, etc etc. Although other than your grandmother, you haven't put any facts into this post you haven't slowly sprinkled throughout posts before. One thing I do pride myself on is a fairly decent memory, so I did know the rest when I said what I did, and I'm still not going to change that. Yes, you have a crap hand. Not arguing that. I'm just saying if you are unhappy, and if you want to change, don't give up. I'm warning you that it isn't going to be easy, that the process is going to be long, and it'll probably make you more upset and confused long before you'll ever see progress. I don't want to lie and delude you into thinking that you just need to keep looking for that magical therapist with the magical hat trick and if isn't easy it isn't right. Because it will never be easy. However if this is what you want, and it doesn't have to be, then you'll have to commit to hard work, confusion, trial and error, frustration, pain, etc. It sucks, but unfortunately there is no easy solution in psychology, the way my friend approached therapy and medication to be. I don't even want to delude you into saying that you will get better, be happier, though I think you can, I think there is great hope. I want to be honest, but I just want to tell you that if happiness and a healthy mentality are things you want then don't be afraid. Or don't be afraid to face that fear. Keep trying. ******** Yoda, it's always about the try, always always.

I'm blunt, extremely, I don't ever sugar coat things. But this here isn't me trying to judge you, it's trying to be supportive. In the only way I know how. If the support you need is someone whose always going to agree with you, who hedges and coats thoughts to spare feelings, then I'm sorry but you'll never get that from me. I only ever say what I truly mean (with the exception of an ex boyfriend who annoyed me so much I woulda said the world was flat to be contrary). I can just refuse to say anything at all. And I can do that, keep my opinions to myself. Although generally I keep my opinions to myself in reciprocation of opinions not being shared with me. I don't try to pry, but if you give me something I'll run with it. So I'm not kidding when I say I'm not trying to offend you or hurt you, but this is the advice I give and the help I give. Yes I don't like excuses. But not in that I don't consider facts and history in analysis. I just don't think it changes anything. Generally facts and history are why someone has problems. It'd probably be a bigger deal if you had the problems you do without the history you do. If mental illness, traumatic childhoods, divorced parents etc etc were reasons why people couldn't get better, I think at least half of the population would be completely doomed, the majority of the rest quite crippled. I'm not giving you a how to improve, or a where, because you're right I couldn't begin to give you that. I'm just saying your history does not mean you can't get better. And I'm saying don't give up, don't curl up and accept that it's just not fixable.

In this post and the last, I think in summary that's really all I ever said or meant to say. Just keep trying, for as long as necessary, and for as long as you want to. If you don't want to try, I'm not going to hold it against you or say there is anything wrong with that. I understand people not wanting to try. However, in that case, I would advise that you at least face up to the fact that that's the decision you have made. And try to make the most out of that decision.

And know, that while yes I won't lie, sometimes I get frustrated with things you say (I get frustrated with things I say, nothing is ever easy to know how to deal with it, and that's frustrating), I don't want you to feel attacked or that I don't want to be helpful, understanding or supportive. I just don't want to sit here and coddle your insecurities. Because I feel that would be the worst thing I could possibly do. I wouldn't believe it's helpful, and doing it would seem cruel and callous to me. So I apologize for all the times I've probably made you feel bad, and will probably continue to do so. I hate making people feel bad, but I hate sitting here and lying and sugarcoating things even more.

This conversation is done. I don't have the opinions and social skills to talk about anything in here without starting a huge explosion of nonsensical bullshit. And yes, I will say it's nonsensical bullshit, because half the time I don't even realize what I've said will start an argument. A quarter of that I realize it may but it's already too late. The other half I want a reply but it winds up being a large, overwhelming tsunami. So, if what I've said will only start arguments because of our large differences, then I don't need to post my issues in this guild. Our views are so different that it's impossible to keep this conversation civil. Case closed.