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 Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:03 pm
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Dante didn't take his eyes off Jeremy even as he addressed someone by the name of Betty. Much to Dante's surprise the 'man' was the one to answer, he saw the movement from the corner of his eye, and his voice held nothing masculine at all. For a moment Dante blinked in surprise and watched with mild interest as the woman approached. He supposed now that he thought about it he had only seen a man because he had wanted to see a man... it was clearly a woman, the barest hint of breasts beneath her jacket, the slight curve of hips that was mostly hidden by the male suit.... why the hell was she wearing a male suit? And with a male hair cut to boot? What else was he meant to think? He almost wanted to growl at her... until another thought crossed his mind. A woman... had Jeremy gone back to woman? He knew the guy had had female lovers in the past but....??
Perhaps it was wrong of him, perhaps it was because the last person to touch his body was not Jeremy... but Dante was having serious trust issues right now.
Taking a deep breath he composed himself and accepted the file... a combination of relief and dread crossed over his face when he saw the note; and before he could stop himself he ran his fingers briefly over the thing, looked up at Jeremy and then returned to the file. A quick flip through it, a few whispered words with one of his colleagues and a closer inspection at the images was all it took for Dante to look up at Jeremy with slight relief. "Looks good. There is only one urgent tweak I can think of, we don't like the text style on..." Flips through and flashes the images. "...this one. While we think the text size is fitting, the font is off. You can email me samples and I will proof them personally, unless, given the reduced time perimeters, you would prefer me to linger." He looked at his watch, he was behind schedule, knew that there was one meeting in the afternoon he couldn't miss.... but still. "I have exactly one hour spare." A half-lie, but he wanted to linger... god help him, but being around Jeremy was both torturous and bliss. Everything else could be rearranged, given the news of Jeremy being seen with a man it was likely people would understand that a major client like Dante would rearrange his schedule for an 'emergency' intervention meeting... not that Dante had anything against Jeremy an men, no, his issue was more Jeremy and other men... or worst... Jeremy and Betty.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:51 pm
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"Three?" Dante quirked a brow, almost impressed at Phil's audacity and courage, most wouldn't have dared stand against him in his current mood... even if all he had offered was a cart of smelly socks. Yet, this was Phil. The man who had locked him in an office more than once in order to make him and Jeremy face each other, he was an underhanded trickster who knew exactly what he was doing... manipulative swine. Shooing it away he simply said, almost playfully. "Two. I will consider offering a million bonus should it be well received, which I am sure it will." He was pretty much conceding the three million, but didn't want to appear 'weak' in front of men and woman he didn't consider friends. Still he nodded at Phil's suggestion to discuss the details with Jeremy.... although, the thought of being alone with the guy both terrified and thrilled him.
Thadump. Thadump. His mouth suddenly felt dry, even as he felt himself nod at Jeremy's words. What had he said? He wasn't sure but it had sounded almost like a yes or no question, he hoped. As everyone started to leave the room he realised exactly what he had just agreed to. Panic, sheer terror, threatened to consume him even as he watched Betty be shooed away and the door close securely behind the group.
Was now the time to tell Jeremy anything? Should he even tell him? What would he think of him? Dante couldn't even look at himself in the mirror right now, how was he to expect Jeremy to do anything less than be utterly disgusted with him? Part of Dante was aware that he wasn't thinking straight... especially as his hands started to shake when Jeremy captured one in his own. F*ck. The gentle warmth, so familiar yet so foreign. He wanted to cry, it was so unfair.
"I've missed you." Those words stung, and as Jeremy moved in to kiss him his body reacted instantly... it flinched and pulled away. Pushing himself off the chair, suddenly too panicked to stay still he wandered to the window and stared out of the thing without actually seeing anything... it didn't help... nothing seemed to help. He was drowning, surrounded by a flood of too many emotions and messed up scenarios. He was lost and alone in his world of pure darkness and there was no light to guide him. No Jeremy. He was a disaster. Dante's eyes closed, his hand raised to cover his face, the fingers touching different parts as they spread wide. He had known this was all trouble, shame on him for falling for it.... but how could he asked Jeremy to stay with him?
He turned his head away from Jeremy, unable to speak, unable to think. Images of that day flashed in his mind, made him feel like he was choking, suffocating.... sick.... he was mortified with himself. Felt like he was to blame, he should have been stronger, faster... something!
Silent tears started to steam from his eyes. He once heard that such tears were the hearts way of surrendering....
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 2:20 pm
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Jeremy's heart broke when Dante pulled away. He watched him walk to the window, and he suddenly felt weak. Hopeless. Didn't Dante believe him? Well, he wouldn't give up just yet. Not after how long he had waited to see him. Not after all the crap they had already been through.
He walked up behind him. "Dante, I'm telling the truth. She kissed me out of nowhere, and then I pushed her away. I'd never cheat on you...especially not with a woman," he told him.
But then Dante started crying. Now he was even more concerned. No way was Dante crying over something as small as a random woman kissing him...was he?
"Dante? Talk to me...?"
His mind was filled with negative thoughts. Was Dante giving up? Giving up on them? Was he tired of hiding it? Was it not worth it to him anymore? Was this the last straw?
Jeremy hated each and every thought that surged through his mind, and just thinking about it made his stomach churn a bit.
No...No, Dante wouldn't just give up like that. They were too close. Too happy when they were together. There had to be something else...right? Either way, whatever it was had brought the might prince to tears. Something Dante would normally never do at work, be it alone or with his coworkers.
Jeremy forced a nervous chuckle. "Dante, come on, you're scaring me. Talk to me," he repeated.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 2:52 pm
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Despite everything he was feeling, the haze that seemed to be his mind as of late these past few days, Dante could still make out the pain in Jeremy's voice... and it broke him more. If the guy was hurting just by his rejection what the hell would be his reaction if he told him he had slept with another man?
"I'd never cheat on you... especially not with a woman." Those words cut him deep and hard, completing the slice that was already gorged deep in his heart. He shattered, leaning forward until his forehead rested on the cold glass. Fitting... barren like him. He let his hand fall away, forced his tears to stop... he had no right to cry after all... and took several steady breaths.
What should he say? His mind was too conflicted for a single thought to really pass through his brain that actually made any sense. He didn't know what to say, so ended up with a simple... "This isn't the place." His voice cracked like egg shells around his feet.
Pushing back from the window he took out the handkerchief with his initials on from his top pocket and wiped his eyes. He supposed he should be thankful he wasn't a woman... no make up to run. He turned slowly to face Jeremy. "I believe you... won't lie that I was furious when I saw the pictures this morning. She's lucky she's still in one piece... and..." he sighed and moved the hair out of his face, the sting around his eyes apparent now that his tears had stopped. "If she had been a he.... I think I would have destroyed her." Dante was being brutally honest, though in many ways his destroying 'Betty' would simply have been a way to get back at the world since he couldn't destroy his own Demons, Jasper was still a problem, and no matter what he did he couldn't take back what had happened between them. Couldn't touch the guy either given he had no idea what 'pictures' the guy had.
The feel of hands. The rancid breath on his neck. The force on his head... body.... GAH! Memories. Hot and heavy and disguising. They wouldn't go away. No matter what he did his mind couldn't seem to see anything but those images.... even when he tried to think of happier things his mind betrayed him. Jeremy didn't belong in the twisted darkness that was his mind, didn't belong in the same place as his grievous betrayal.... and to Dante that was exactly what it was. Did that mean he simply didn't belong with Jeremy any more? He gripped the front of his own suit, scrunching up the material above his heart as if he was literally trying to keep the thing together with his touch.
He felt sick. Took a few steps away from Jeremy, clearly trying to avoid close proximity, as he fought with the demons that tormented him with wicked delight. "You're going to be followed for a while... especially when it comes to men... I don't know when we'll be able to meet up in private again." He wasn't looking at Jeremy as he spoke, starting to look through some papers absentmindedly. He was desperate for a distraction... something... anything! He was aiming for conversation, didn't stop to think that his words could be interpreted as Dante trying to push Jeremy away, as if he was suddenly embarrassed by him or afraid that their secret would get out... because frankly... Dante didn't care right now, was more than happy to tell the world in exchange for one thing. To take away the damage he had done by going to see Jasper Burns, arsehole extraordinaire.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:27 pm
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"This isn't the place."
Jeremy raised a brow, confused by what he meant. It wasn't as if this were the first time they had talked personally in a meeting room. Far from it, really. Were there cameras in here or something? No, Jeremy knew that for a fact.
"Eh?"
"I believe you... won't lie that I was furious when I saw the pictures this morning. She's lucky she's still in one piece... and..If she had been a he.... I think I would have destroyed her."
Jeremy chuckled a little at that, more relieved than he wanted to admit that Dante still cared enough to feel that way. It put some of his worries in the garbage. Alright, so he still loves me. That's what that means...right? He tried to stay on the positive side.
"I believe that," he chuckled a little. "But she's not a threat, so no need to worry."
"You're going to be followed for a while... especially when it comes to men... I don't know when we'll be able to meet up in private again."
Okay, now he knew something was off. Way off. What happened to the Dante he had stayed up nearly all night with before he went to Japan? At that point, they couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Couldn't touch enough. Couldn't get close enough. And now, in the light of day, in a silver suit, he was practically giving him the cold shoulder.
"No, it'll be fine..." he attempted. "The whole mess will be cleared up by tomorrow. Betty already agreed to explain the situation to every newspaper. The hype will be over by tomorrow afternoon." He paused. "Besides, we've been getting away with it for this long, so..." He stopped himself, putting the pieces together now.
Oh...
The newspaper had gotten to him. Dante must have seen this as a preview to what would befall them if they got caught. Or maybe he saw it as a premonition-- a warning. Usually Jeremy had been the cautious one, but now Dante seemed to be taking his place. Was he really that scared? Or worse, Jeremy feared...
Was he that embarrassed?
Was Dante pushing him away to protect himself? Was that why he couldn't look at him? Why he wouldn't let him kiss? The Dante he knew would be in his arms right now. Not shielding himself by the window.
No. He didn't want to believe that. He wouldn't believe that. This was Dante he was talking about!
Still, the fear inside him only increased, and he felt as though Dante didn't want him by his side anymore.
"Dante...?" He began, reaching for him. "Why are you acting like your so afraid of me?"
Come to think of it, Dante's behavior kind of reminded Jeremy of the days when he himself acted homophobic in order to suppress his own feelings toward men. Could that have been what Dante was doing now.
Jeremy finally put his hand on Dante's shoulder and tried turning him around. "Dante, what's wrong? Talk to me. Feels like it's been ages...but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" He tried. He desperately tried to pull Dante back to him. Would say anything to get him to stay. "Did something happen with Chi? Or work? Come on, you know I'm here for you." He paused, remembering the night Jeremy had spilled his heart out to him and opened up about his pathetic past.
He turned Dante around completely then. "Come on, it's just you and me here," he offered a soft smile. "Just pretend like we're in my old apartment... after a long day of work... baking that horribly rich chocolate cake," he chuckled.
Please don't say you don't want me around.
Jeremy felt fragile enough to break.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:45 pm
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"But he's not a threat..." No, Dante supposed that was true. In the grand scheme of things a random kiss from some assistant who took it upon themselves to make a fool of themselves in public wasn't all that important.... but no way you looked at it did it suddenly make Dante feel better or cleaner. They weren't on equal footing anymore, he couldn't even look Jeremy in the eyes for crying out loud! The fear that nothing but his guilt and pain would show on his face. He felt desperate, starved for the connection he held with Jeremy but too cowardice to seize it.
His heart broke with each beat that he didn't touch the guy, so close yet so far, it was worst than when he had been in Japan.... would he ever be able to take a step closer to him? He was in trouble.
Still, Dante listened to every word, clinging to them as if they were his oxygen, as if they would be the last he would be getting for a while....
Unable to reply Dante simply fisted his hands and refused to look over at Jeremy, the pain he could hear in the guys voice was enough to kill him. He wanted to sooth him... he honestly did, he simply couldn't bring himself to move. Did he still smell like another man? Were there still marks and bruises on him? He didn't want Jeremy to see them, didn't want him to feel sorry for him or be disappointed in him... none of it. Accepting it was too hard.
"Why are you acting like your so afraid of me?" Dante winced a little at those words, wanted to roar at the agony of it all. I'm afraid of myself. Why couldn't he just say something? Why couldn't he speak? Why couldn't he tell Jeremy that he wanted him so hopelessly that it was killing him? That he couldn't live with himself, that he didn't deserve him anymore....? How could he? Saying those words would destroy them, and the idea of being without Jeremy was a disaster. The guy was his 'happily ever after', but he couldn't make him stay, he couldn't ask him to stay... not surrounded by the lies and secrets he currently held over the broken fragments of soul.
A warm hand landed heavy on his shoulder, he wanted to move and rest his head on it, wanted to accept the warmth... he really did.... but instead he didn't move, he simply lowered his head a little and closed his eyes as if trying to ask for strength. Despite the gentle tugs he didn't let Jeremy pull him around straight away, and when he did his face showed the clearly turbulent thoughts through a mixture of hatred and pain.... but none of them were directed at Jeremy but at himself.
Slowly he raised his hand to finally touch the one Jeremy had on him, squeezing it for a moment before pulling it away. "I don't deserve you..... " Was all he said for a moment, his hand still loosely holding Jeremy's as he sought the strength to say more.... he couldn't. He didn't want to snap the last thread that tied them together. The tears threatened to spill again but he forced himself to cling to his self hatred instead. "...you deserve someone who can protect you." Dante had failed.
"Just pretend like we're in my old apartment... after a long day of work... baking that horribly rich chocolate cake." Those words, that laughter, that smile... it broke something in him, and before he knew what he was doing he let go out of the hand and simply glared at the guy as the first hints to his true feelings slipped out. "I don't want to taint the happy memories with this.... so don't. Don't ruin everything for me!" His voice broke mid sentence, evidence he was under stress with whatever it was.
Yet, no matter how many times he tried to open his mouth to talk he closed it again. He knew he looked like a bloody idiot, but he just couldn't think straight right now. Turning away again he tried to catch his breath, it really did feel like he was drowning, his breathing unsteady and laboured despite his best efforts to control himself. Again the images assaulted them. Again Dante was powerless against them.
Before he was able to stop himself he found himself saying, "Could you ever forgive the unforgivable?" The words were more like a spoken thought than an actual question. He wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 1:07 am
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"Nothing bad's happened to me." Oh how false those words where... Jeremy simply didn't realise it yet, or perhaps this really was nothing to do with Jeremy? Was it simply something that Dante had to bare? The idea was short lived since the obvious realisation that he couldn't simply ignore this, couldn't simply push it aside as if it meant nothing and pretend everything was normal and fine.... EVERYTHING WAS NOT NORMAL!
"I was hoping...this would be a happy memory too... Why wouldn't it be?" Well, wasn't that just a loaded question? How could anything happy come from any of this? It was a mess! A huge f*cking mess!
Jeremy's next words got to him, and as he turned to see the glare he narrowed his eyes only to have the harshness drain away into utter depressed sadness, his features falling, the pain seizing him in its heartless grip. "No Jeremy, I am not talking about you and your bloody accident with Betty.... I am talking about me.... and what I have done!" His tone was slightly raised, angry and pained, though at what or who wasn't obvious. How could Jeremy not see this was about Dante's mistake? How could he not see the loathing in Dante's eyes, or the self hatred? How could he not see the pain he was in? How could he not see the guilt and the heartache? How could he not know what Dante had done without being told? After all, it felt like it was written into his very cells, written in his body... a deed he could never undo, never take back, never remove... a memory that he would never be able to turn away from. A ghost constantly taunting him. Lingering in the back of his mind, constant and unwavering.
He felt like the castle he had built around himself was crumbling, and no matter how hard he tried to hold on his fingers were slipping. Sure, he had fought, had tried to stop the attack happening... but the fact is that it did. He hadn't been strong enough. Simply a pathetic weakling....
With a snap he turned away and realised he couldn't keep his silence anymore. It was killing him as much as the memories of everything. A double death that he wasn't strong enough to endure on his own. His legs wobbled under the weight of the pressure and unable to keep his composure anymore he moved to sit on the desk, hand once more over his face, covering his eyes. "There was an incident in Japan...." His voice was muffled, low, to his own ears it sounded distorted. "...at the wedding, a reporter overheard my conversation with you. After some digging up it seems they put two and two together and got the magic number of me and you together...."
Cold facts. Go for cold facts. At least that was what he tried for, Dante wanted so much to simply be detached, to say it like it had happened to someone else, like it wasn't his problem..... "Received a letter. Pictures and a note. A meeting was set. I believed he was going to blackmail me...." His hands shifted, gripped the table edge, and instantly he was warped back in time, back to the hotel. The tears started again even as he stared blankly at the space before him.
"I had planned to be gentle with you....but clearly you like it rough." Revulsion had him gagging.
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 1:57 pm
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“No Jeremy, I am not talking about you and your bloody accident with Betty…I am talking about me…and what I have done!”
Jeremy’s mind swirled with confusion. What had Dante done? Clearly it must have been something much bigger than what Jeremy had been caught doing, since Dante seemed so reluctant to tell him about it. His heart throbbed, every nerve in his body seemed to be trembling with fear and anticipation. What could Dante have done that was so bad to have gotten a reaction like this?
He didn’t say anything, only listened, too worried about Dante to speak. He felt that if he let another word slip out of his mouth, he’d frighten Dante away like a bird from a dog’s bark.
“There was an incident in Japan….”
Out with it! He thought, but wouldn’t dare say it. A chill went up his spine. His stomach tightened, as if it were getting ready for a strong punch. He started assuming the worst again.
An incident? Did he meet some nice man at the wedding that brought him to the realization that he wasn’t in love with Jeremy? This felt like such a selfish thought, but Jeremy had a tendency to blame himself for things. If the case was indeed that Dante had met someone else better than him, it was because Jeremy wasn’t good enough. Or maybe it was something else. Maybe Dante had a little too much wine and had told Chi or someone else about their little affair?
“….at the wedding, a reporter overheard my conversation with you. After some digging up it seems they put two and two together and got the magic number of me and you together.”
His entire body stiffened.
Someone….knew? And a reporter, nonetheless? Well, at the very least, it didn’t seem as though Dante had met someone else. But once again, Jeremy felt selfish for having such a worry. Now there were other things to concentrate on.
Someone knew. Dante’s company was probably at stake. No doubt whoever this reporter was, they were going to use this information against them. Blackmail. It had to have been blackmail. The pieces were coming together. That was why Dante wanted to be more careful. Why he was so worried about them being seen or followed—because he was being threatened of someone doing so already.
Now it seemed crazy that Dante thought he couldn’t protect Jeremy. Because right now, Jeremy felt as though he didn’t protect Dante. That they didn’t plan carefully enough. Weren’t cautious enough. He should have told Dante not to call at all on the wedding day for that very reason. Why hadn’t he thought this through far enough?
“Received a letter. Pictures and a note. A meeting was set. I believed he was going to blackmail me….”
Believed? As in his original suspicions were incorrect?
Jeremy looked over Dante’s body briefly, but didn’t see any physical harm, or signs of weakness. No casts. No limping. No bruises on his face.
That could only mean one other thing…
Jeremy stuffed his hands in his pockets to hide the fact that they were balling up into white-knuckled fists.
“But…?” He finally spoke, his voice restraining itself.
His stomach was in knots. The reporter…had wanted sex? Had Dante given it to him? He wanted to puke at the very thought, but not because of what Dante might have done. But because he felt that he had to for Jeremy. For them.
For their secret.
He couldn’t be upset with Dante for sleeping with the reporter under those circumstances…Jeremy would have done the same thing in that situation.
Now Jeremy was assuming the best of Dante. That Dante didn’t want to do it. That he did everything he could to avoid it. Tried to run. In which case…
Dante would have been raped.
The realization of even that as a possibility had Jeremy weak in the knees. He put his hand on the table to hold himself up, but tried his best to remain strong. To stay standing. Memories of his own rape flooded back to him. But this time, he was picturing Dante in his place. His breath became shaky.
“Did he…rape you?” He finally asked.
After all, even if Dante hadn't ran away, but simply given in out of desperation, it would still be considered rape, since it wasn't as if Dante actually wanted to sleep with him. Rape was rape, and it was painful in every sense.
Dear god he prayed his suspicions were wrong.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:00 am
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Dante couldn't look Jeremy in the eyes as he spoke, afraid of what he might see.... would revulsion fill those beautiful eyes now? Would he hate him? He felt like he was suffocating, his chest ached and throbbed with unease and each breath felt like a chore to take. No, he couldn't look into Jeremy's eyes right now.
"But....?" Dante fell silent, his hands holding tighter on the table edge, the knuckles white under the strain and he tensed his jaw. The words refused to come, the images refused to fade... f*ck he was doomed! He had brought this one himself... he would never be happy again. How could he admit it to Jeremy? How could he put all this s**t on the guys shoulders on top of everything else he was currently going through. Dante had been so angry when he saw the paper's this morning, had felt as if his dirty little secret had been for nothing, as if everything he had endured, that the sudden emptiness that seemed to consume him was meaningless.... sure, it wasn't exactly flattering to Jeremy, but Dante's thoughts were dark and self consumed right now, as if he couldn't quite see the rest of the world for the focused blinkers he had in place.
Silence fell between them. Silence Dante could almost handle. He eyes closed slowly, one breath, a second.... slowly he felt like he was relearning how to breath... right up until Jeremy spoke again. "Did he... rape you?" Dante gulped, winced and tore his head to the side. His eyes screwed closed, as if doing so would suddenly destroy the memories and images that had constantly assaulted him since the attack in Japan, but as always the pain assaulted him from all angles. If he had felt like he was suffocating before it was nothing in comparison to the current pain that lacerated his system with lethal intent. Hearing those words fall from Jeremy's lips broke what little remained of him. This is what I deserve, he thought, still blaming himself for everything that had happened. He should have been more cautious, should have spoken to someone first, should have taken a step back and detached himself for just a moment.... just a moment's hesitation on his part and things would have turned out so differently. The worst part about hindsight was that it was always right and always a b*tch.
Slowly, almost too slowly, he opened his eyes and looked up at Jeremy a little blankly. Eyes stained with tears, red and a little puffy, the rawness of his emotions shining with menacing agony in his eyes. "I'm sorry." He whispered. The words struggled to pass his lips. Nothing else would come, no excuses, no begging, no asking for forgiveness.... how could Jeremy ever forgive him... this was the end... he knew it, and it was killing him. Still, Dante knew that Jeremy deserved for him to look in his eyes as he confessed his sin, and his apology was just that. Acknowledgment and confession in one go. He was to blame for this... no one else. Once again it was Dante who had destroyed them, Jeremy had always offered nothing but everything he had... commitment, loyalty and the willingness to try... what had Dante offered? Nothing but pain and suffering.
Time seemed to stand still between them, and Dante suddenly felt the need to escape. Movements so slow he felt as if he was moving in slow motion he turned to look at his watch. He really should have been doing his job right now, should have been confirming details about his new hotel project.... and the need to retreat was almost overwhelming, still, he couldn't move, couldn't speak. It was as if he was stuck in time until Jeremy commented or moved or did.... something... anything. Soon he would return to the darkness that had been his world for the past three years, but this time he would have a new ghost haunting him.
Grins777 Today was an utter waste of time... silly doctors. *grumbles*
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 1:10 pm
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The silence in the room only made Jeremy more anxious. He hoped--even prayed that his guess was wrong. But the longer the silence went on, the more sure he was that his prediction was indeed correct. When Dante finally looked at him, he instinctively held his breath, as if that would actually change anything.
"I'm sorry."
Now it was more than difficult to stand. Now it just seemed pointless. He put all of his weight on the hand he had placed on the table, and then sat in the chair nearest him. His heart fell into his stomach, and the acid in his belly seemed to bubble and thrash in protest. His throat clogged. Dante was raped? Dante was raped...
No...
There was no point in hiding his emotions right now. No point in putting on airs. Jeremy felt horrible. Weak. He wanted to rip himself apart now that he knew Dante had been assaulted...
And what was worse was that it had happened because of him. Dante had gone to that man...because he wanted to protect Jeremy. And because of that, the man he saw before him had changed. He felt responsible for what had happened to him. Now he understood why Dante had seemed so scared a few minutes ago. Why he wanted to be more cautious. It was because he now knew that someone knew and was indeed plotting against them.
Jeremy tried to think of ways to fix this whole situation. Change it. Make it better. But he knew that he couldn't think of that now. He needed to focus on the matter at hand: Dante. Dante who was afraid, hurt, and victimized right in front of him. He needed to help him somehow. Somehow...
Jeremy could vividly remember how he had dealt with the emotions after his own rape. He detached himself. Couldn't eat for a few days. Distanced himself from his friends, afraid that they'd make fun of him or harass him about what had happened. Flinched any time a passerby happened to get a little too close. He had been so embarrassed. What would have helped him had he opened up about it sooner? He wasn't sure...Just knowing someone was there for him, maybe. No judgement.
Real love would have been an excellent start as well. Had someone really loved him, and showed him that he was more than his body, coping might have been a more active process.
But Jeremy was afraid Dante would hate him now. That Dante would think this relationship wasn't worth the pain that seemed to be constantly dealt to them.
Stand up. What are you doing?? Stand up and help him!
And after a few moments, he weakly managed to do so, and slowly approached Dante. He just hoped Dante wouldn't reject what he was about to do...
Because now, Jeremy found himself crying. A lot. Tears streaked down his face and before he knew it, he had yanked Dante into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry, Dante, I'm so sorry!" He nearly pleaded, the pitch of his voice cracked a few times.
He couldn't believe he was doing this in a meeting room, but frankly he didn't care. He hated that Dante experience that. Dante's wound was fresh, and Jeremy put the blame on himself.
"I never thought...I didn't think anything like that would happen...I'm so so sorry." He squeezed him, convincing himself that Dante was still right here for the moment. "You have nothing to apologize about, you couldn't have known..." This was so hard. He was terrified that Dante would push him away and tell him that he couldn't fix anything. That it was too late. "I love you," he swore to him.
He wasn't sure what else to say after that. Now he needed to hear Dante speak...Was anything he said even getting through to him?
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 3:36 pm
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Dante felt himself starting to shake. Say something... say something... His mind begged. With each moment that passed he wanted to flee for the door and pretend none of this had happened... better yet, the window! He could jump and run before anyone ever caught him! He heard the soft noise of movement and footsteps before his saw anything, his view tear stained and blurry... why was Jeremy so quiet? Why wasn't he saying anything? Slowly he lifted his eyes from his watch and to Jeremy, despair at what he might see there running through his like dry ice. What he saw nearly flawed him... Jeremy was crying too. The pair likely made a right pair from the outside, two giants in the business world brought to tears.... and he was thankful they at least didn't have an audience despite the inappropriate location for such a talk. It was too late now either way, out in the open his words could never be taken back, just like his actions would never change... and as he looked at Jeremy and the guys tormented eyes he suddenly found himself flashed back to his kitchen all those years ago when he had broken down, the only other time he had seen the guy cry. A fresh pain lacerated his heart, more tears rolled hot and heavy down his face... how could Dante have done this...!? Guilt, pure unstoppable guilt tore through him even as Jeremy grabbed him and pulled into a hug that spoke of both their emotional desperation. Of a hope that they both wanted to see despite the cloud of misery and doubt that blocked out all else.
At first Dante couldn't move his body, couldn't embrace the only man he had ever loved, couldn't think about anything other than all the crap that had fallen between them, of how unfit for being with Jeremy he really was, of how much he had failed, how much he was still failing.... because this wasn't over... would likely never be over. It would forever linger between them, forever be their in the hesitation of either of their embraces or touch, either of their movements and words.... they would never forget it! Jasper Burns had destroyed something that had been pure and beautiful and corrupted it with darkness and malice.... would it turn bitter? Turn into something where they could no longer ignore it and look past it?
The next words that fell out of Jeremy's words were accompanied by a squeeze and unable to hold back and longer his arms snapped up and embraced his partner, held him tight and clung to him as if he was the lifeline that he could never let go of, never ignore or turn his back from.
"I love you." The smallest of smiles filtered onto his lips, and he wanted to rejoice in those words, in the small sliver of hope they presented.. to repeat them back and pretend as if nothing had happened or was happening, as if their bond was completely shatterproof and indestructible.... but this wasn't the whole story. He buried his nose into Jeremy's neck and tried to just breath for a moment, to gain his bearings and regain the fragile remains of his strength so he could respond.
"He took pictures..." He managed to get out, hoping that Jeremy understood what he was trying to say without all the gory details. "...wants to do it... again..." Bile threatened to rise once more, and all Dante could do was cling on to Jeremy. There wouldn't be a repeat if Dante could help it... but what could he do? What options did he have? Such images would destroy him, and coupled with his revealed relationship to Jeremy they could destroy him too....! Right now Dante felt hopeless and betrayed and worthless. Yet despite that he clung onto Jeremy as if he was his life support, as if he couldn't bare the idea of being separated or walked out on and abandoned. His hands fisted in the guys jacket and he closed his eyes. Hoping that this time would be the first that the images wouldn't assault him....
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 12:06 am
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All Jeremy could do was hold him. There wasn't much he could say to him. Nothing he said could change what happened, and he hated that. But he couldn't change that. With his own rape, multiple people tried to say similar things to him. They didn't help, but they didn't hurt. It was a sense of indifference, but relief that he wasn't being looked down upon because of it-- by his good friends, at least.
His heart panged at the realization that Dante was probably feeling the same way right now.
He felt the need to destroy whoever did this to Dante. Jeremy hadn't done anything to get back at his own rapist--but he wouldn't be so forgiving to Dante's.
"He took pictures...wants to do it... again..."
His grip tightened.
"He's threatening to send them to the press?" He had to bite back his anger as to not frighten Dante. How sick could the man get. "Wouldn't that just expose him for raping you?" It didn't make sense. Why would the man send those pictures to the press? No way could he get away with the excuse that someone just happened to send them to him. He'd be so heavily questioned that he wouldn't even be able to get away with it. But then another idea struck Jeremy. One that made more sense. The man knew everything-- he knew that he and Dante were actively involved. And he probably didn't expect Dante to tell Jeremy about it. Hell, Jeremy was even impressed that Dante did. Granted, it took a little pushing, but he was glad that he had at least told him so soon.
How sick could a man get? Not only committing the hideous crime, but taking pictures to add to the humiliation? If there was any truth to the whole theory of primitive instincts coming out when you most need them, this was proof. Jeremy wanted to rip this man to shreds with his bare hands and teeth like a rabid animal.
He convinced himself that he would have to do just that in some way or another.
"Or is he threatening to send them to me?"
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 6:12 am
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Dante could hear Jeremy's heart. It seemed to be beating as quickly as his own... but why? Was Jeremy simply worked up by the idea of someone else having touched him? Or was he more concerned about what this meant for them now? Or was there more to it? Dante didn't know. He couldn't think straight. Couldn't hold back the tears or holding the guy as close and tightly as he dared. As if to let go now would mean letting go of everything.
Jeremy's grip tightened, and for a moment he wondered if he felt the same way.
The bite of anger clearly lacing each word had Dante wincing a little, he didn't trust his voice so shook his head. No, the guy hadn't said anything about the press... not that he could recall at least, by that point Dante had simply been desperate to be left alone, and find an escape from the taunts and sickening caresses. Still, Dante hadn't seen a camera, hadn't seen the pictures... for all he knew there was no evidence of Jasper in them at all, just Dante being done by a man... cropping pictures could show whatever a person wanted after all. "I don't.... don't know..." His voice shook, so violently he was sure that the wave of nausea had finally come to sweep him under completely. His limbs started to sag, the energy draining. Jeremy knew now, there was no taking that back.... and he felt a strange kind of relief despite everything.
Silence washed between them again until Jeremy finally spoke once more. "Or is he threatening to send them to me?" Dante froze at those words, recollection returning, the haunted conversation and passed mocking words before Jasper had taken his leave, almost enough to crush him. He pushed back. Two hands firmly placed on Jeremy's chest as he tried to release himself from the guys embrace.... but not because it was Jeremy he was trying to get away from. No, the thing he wanted to escape from was something he couldn't simply run from.
He gulped, eyes seeing without seeing. Locked in the darkest corners of his mind, no light, nothing but the endless agony that had been his past few days.
He felt movement rather than saw it, and it slowly started to summon him from his mind and back to reality. Back to Jeremy. He just stared for a moment, just took in the guys features, the way his hair was styled, the pain in his expression and accepted that it was all because of him that Jeremy was suffering like this. "Sorry...." He whispered again. Running a hand through his hair and taking a moment to regain a fragile sense of composure and control that went against everything that he felt, slowly he found himself eventually speaking once more. "Yes, the threat was to send them to you. He believes I am now his.... plaything." He was surprised at how steady and distant his voice was, how blankly he could say it all despite the desperation his heart had to erase everything. "Maybe.... maybe we should let him." He shook his head, "Send the pictures I mean." Dante wasn't completely sure what he was saying anymore, didn't really understand his own thought processes right now.
"I'm sure they will be done soon, then we can get the information we need. For now, I don't think we should disturb them Betty. Not if you want to keep your job... do you not know Mr. Andrew's reputation? He's isn't known as the Dragon for no good reason you know. Don't look worried like that! Jeremy can handle himself." Phil's voice beyond the slim door that separated them from the rest of reality brought everything crashing down on Dante. This couldn't continue here. Taking out his handkerchief he dried his eyes and wiped his face as roughly as he could before taking out his black shades and slipping them into place to hide the damage. He had wore them a lot lately, not that people didn't recognise him even with them on... but at least he could act as if there was a shield between him and the rest of the world. Something that kept anyone getting too close. Kept him hidden.
"Take the three million. I still want it done by the end of the week..." He turned to Jeremy and gave an apologetic smile, "Sorry.... people will realise something is wrong if I back down from that now." Again he ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to tame it back into a stylised disorder. "I really should get going, I have an important meeting to prep for, no slacking time left." He laughed, though it was a humourless sound, proof he was trying so hard to just 'act normal'.
One deep breath. A second. A third. He still felt like utter worthless sh*t, but there was probably no helping that.
"We need to talk about this... properly...." He closed his eyes for a moment behind his darkened glasses, knowing it was the truth but not wanting to accept it.... "I didn't mean to dump it on you at work...." His voice failed, his word crashed in his mouth and refused to leave. What was he doing? What could he say? He felt cold and detached. A new kind of fear bubbling up.... what was Jeremy thinking? Would they be ok? Would they work this out? ....they would right? This wouldn't be the beginning of the end? Right? His hands fisted at his sides, and despite his words about leaving he made no attempt to do so.
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