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 Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:21 am
Alex arrives at the garden, looking around for someone he could know. But there is noone....as he guessed already. So he walks on and looks for someone he could talk about this place. Maybe someone could know the reason, why he came here...
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:45 am
Raoden gasped, "Six o'clock! That's when she said we had to be there! Oh, no..." He moaned, his shirt forgotten. She had sounded so menacing when she'd said 'Do not be late'... "We have to get to the kitchens! What will she do to us if we're late!?" He asked the boy who'd distracted him, becoming more alarmed and flustered with every moment. He would have started hyperventilating if his ribs hadn't hurt so much...
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:53 pm
Aeros Endeem Aurak hears the first bell toll from above. He looks up in the direction of the toll. Wasn't i supposed to be somewhere?"OH DRACK! IT IS 6! I NEED TO GET TO THE DINING ROOM!" Aurak rushes down the halls to find the dining room --2nd toll-- Aurak got into a different room with pews, kinda like a normal church would be. But he didnt stay, he rushed back out. --3rd toll-- He rushes by the restrooms and other rooms in a long hallway, he can see the dining room ahead. --4th toll-- He keeps running to the dining room and finally reaches the door. --5th toll-- He walks in, panting from all that running, he walks to a nearby empty chair and pulls it out, and stands there. --6th toll-- Whew! i made it... now do i sit down or what?Quote: Aurak hears the first bell toll from above. He looks up in the direction of the toll. Wasn't i supposed to be somewhere?"OH DRACK! IT IS 6! I NEED TO GET TO THE DINING ROOM!" Quote: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus - Cite This Source Main Entry: toll Part of Speech: verb Definition: ring out Synonyms: announce, bell, bong, call, chime, clang, knell, peal, signal, sound, strike, summon, warn Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1) Copyright © 2007 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved. Quote: There are many good sentence intros you should think about using such as -A moment later -Then -Suddenly -While -At that moment -Also :3 Try some of those out for size.
The reason you should do this is otherwise your paragraph gets stale, redundant. You don't want that. The goal is to get people to enjoy reading what you have written and understand the point you are trying to get across, your character's plights.
Otherwise, good. This is significantly better than your first two. Keep it up. We'll tackle a few other things once you get these two bits down.
Oh, and never start a sentence with but.
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:08 pm
Squireof the son Liran winced as he sees the young boy slam into the wall. “That had to hurt. You okay?!”, Liran walks over to him. “Hi. I’m Liran. Nice to meet you. I’m sure the monks around here can give you a shirt. Come on. We’re almost to the dining hall ,and it’s already six.” Quote: Liran winced as he sees the young boy slam into the wall. Quote: Liran winces as he sees the young boy ...(omitted) Quote: Liran winced as he saw the young boy ...(omitted)
Example:Squireof the son Liran winced as he sees the young boy slam into the wall.
“That had to hurt. You okay?!”, Liran walks over to him. “Hi. I’m Liran. Nice to meet you. I’m sure the monks around here can give you a shirt. Come on. We’re almost to the dining hall ,and it’s already six.”
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:58 pm
Alex Waters Alex arrives at the garden, looking around for someone he could know. But there is noone....as he guessed already. So he walks on and looks for someone he could talk about this place. Maybe someone could know the reason, why he came here...
As for your postQuote: Alex arrives at the garden, looking around for someone he could know. Quote: But there is noone....as he guessed already.
There are a few ways you could have tackled this sentence, but here are two examples:Quote: There was no one though...
without ellipsesQuote: There was no one though, as he had guessed already. . Quote: Maybe someone could know the reason, why he came here... Quote: Maybe someone would know the reason why he had come here.
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:59 pm
“If anything yell at us, and maybe make us do some work. Nothing ,like cutting our heads off.” Liran slides his hand across his neck. “ Remember we’re at an abbey. Holy grounds.” Liran points over to the church. He swings his hand and hold it out to the young boy. “ Come on, before we’re any more late.”
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:41 pm
Quote: Some tense problems too, but lets deal with these other things first. Questions? Problems? Don't like the cut of my gib? Voice it. argh, its hard to be no native english speaker though sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:27 pm
Aniur
The reason you should do this is otherwise your paragraph gets stale, redundant. You don't want that. The goal is to get people to enjoy reading what you have written and understand the point you are trying to get across, your character's plights.
Otherwise, good. This is significantly better than your first two. Keep it up. We'll tackle a few other things once you get these two bits down.
Oh, and never start a sentence with but.((Okays!)) Aurak looks up and down the table, it was quite long with dishes placed in their spots like it was the movies where the rich people's dining room had the same dish alinment as seen here. Two plates stacked on top of each other, Bottom plate was a large plate, as the top one was a small one, like a saucer. and there is a variety of forks and spoons lined up on each side of the dishes. There is also small teacups by each seat. He counts each set on the table. There must be a huge party gathering coming or something. i count about 60 seats here, including the head-mistresses seat.He looks towards the end of the table where the headmistress stands. Aurak was startled by her sudden appearance. "My mistress, i didnt realize that you were here!"
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:45 am
Omirao Raoden gasped, "Six o'clock! That's when she said we had to be there! Oh, no..." He moaned, his shirt forgotten. She had sounded so menacing when she'd said 'Do not be late'... "We have to get to the kitchens! What will she do to us if we're late!?" He asked the boy who'd distracted him, becoming more alarmed and flustered with every moment. He would have started hyperventilating if his ribs hadn't hurt so much...
Your posts get more and more interesting to read with every one you make. I would like you to try what I've asked Squire of Son to do. Separate your quotes and thinking from the paragraphs. Just be sure to press return so the people who are reading your posts can clearly see what you're thinking or saying away from your actions.example: Quote: Raoden gasped, "Six o'clock! That's when she said we had to be there! Oh, no..." He moaned, his shirt forgotten. She had sounded so menacing when she'd said 'Do not be late'... "We have to get to the kitchens! What will she do to us if we're late!?" He asked the boy who'd distracted him, becoming more alarmed and flustered with every moment. He would have started hyperventilating if his ribs hadn't hurt so much...
Onto the fixes, there isn't much here to do though. :3 Very small things.The quote mark goes after the '...' because you're basically showing she said more, but you're leaving it out. By the way, excellent use of the ellipses! You used them exactly as they were meant to be used. Very good. Small problem here
Quote: "We have to get to the kitchens! What will she do to us if we're late!?", he asked the boy who'd distracted him, becoming more alarmed and flustered with every moment.
Otherwise, good. Very good. :3 You're really getting the hang of all this. I would like to see a few more sentences out of you in your next post, push for those descriptions. :3
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:53 am
Squireof the son “If anything yell at us, and maybe make us do some work. Nothing ,like cutting our heads off.” Liran slides his hand across his neck. “ Remember we’re at an abbey. Holy grounds.” Liran points over to the church. He swings his hand and hold it out to the young boy. “ Come on, before we’re any more late.” Quote: “If anything yell at us, and maybe make us do some work. Nothing ,like cutting our heads off.” Liran slides his hand across his neck. “ Remember we’re at an abbey. Holy grounds."
Very nice. One other thing though, hold should be holds, you aren't holding up an object, your holding out your hand and offering it to someone. Very good though. :3 You guys are making me so happy with how well you're doing I could just cry. *sniffle*
I would like to see more description with those pieces of dialog though.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:55 am
Alex Waters Quote: Some tense problems too, but lets deal with these other things first. Questions? Problems? Don't like the cut of my gib? Voice it. argh, its hard to be no native english speaker though sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:51 pm
Raoden stared blankly at the the boy for a moment, then nodded and took the offered hand, "On holy grounds. Right..." Seemingly calmed, he moved slowly to start walking, then bolted, suddenly sprinting pell-mell at alarming speeds toward the kitchen areas. He never let go of the boy's hand as he did all this, and thus almost ended up dragging the poor soul...
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 10:40 pm
Aeros Endeem ((Okays!)) Aurak looks up and down the table, it was quite long with dishes placed in their spots like it was the movies where the rich people's dining room had the same dish alinment as seen here. Two plates stacked on top of each other, Bottom plate was a large plate, as the top one was a small one, like a saucer. and there is a variety of forks and spoons lined up on each side of the dishes. There is also small teacups by each seat. He counts each set on the table. There must be a huge party gathering coming or something. i count about 60 seats here, including the head-mistresses seat.He looks towards the end of the table where the headmistress stands. Aurak was startled by her sudden appearance. "My mistress, i didnt realize that you were here!" Quote: Aurak looks up and down the table, it was quite long with dishes placed in their spots like it was the movies where the rich people's dining room had the same dish alinment as seen here. Quote: Aurak looks up and down the table. It was quite long with dishes placed in their spots, like in the movies where rich people had elegant dinner party place settings. Quote: Two plates stacked on top of each other, Bottom plate was a large plate, as the top one was a small one, like a saucer. and there is a variety of forks and spoons lined up on each side of the dishes. There is also small teacups by each seat. Quote: Two plates were stacked one on top another, the bottom plate a charger, the top a dinner plate. Off to the side was a small bread dish. There are a variety of forks and spoons lined up on either side of the dishes. Also, there are small tea cups by each seat.
The rest is fine. Just remember to capitalize that I and also to put your apostrophes in your contractions. You guys all get so much better with every post, I'm so proud of you!
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 11:38 pm
Omirao Raoden stared blankly at the the boy for a moment, then nodded and took the offered hand, "On holy grounds. Right..." Seemingly calmed, he moved slowly to start walking, then bolted, suddenly sprinting pell-mell at alarming speeds toward the kitchen areas. He never let go of the boy's hand as he did all this, and thus almost ended up dragging the poor soul...
Good, you're maintaining a good constancy with your posting so we can get to the really annoying little things now.Quote: Raoden stared blankly at the the boy for a moment, then nodded and took the offered hand. Quote: Seemingly calmed, he moved slowly to start walking, then bolted, suddenly sprinting pell-mell at alarming speeds toward the kitchen areas.
Good sentence, bad structure. An and will make it flow just a bit better. Commas seem fine.Quote: Seemingly calmed, he moved slowly to start walking and then bolted, suddenly sprinting pell-mell at alarming speeds toward the kitchen areas.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:24 pm
(( Wow it's been a while since I posted... I really need to get a laptop... anywho I guess I'll post here for some practice and maybe for someone else to post with since chatting with your self can get rather boring. Plus I think Valnea's hungry... weeks of travel can do that to someone. ))
Valnea's knees were sore from having weight on them for nearly half an hour and her feet had fallen asleep about half way through prayer. Using her right arm as support she stood on her wobbly legs. With a polite smile she did a respectful bow to the monks around her and set forth toward the exit. Her mental clock was telling her it was about six and she would prefer not to go to bed the first night hungry.
"Of course it doesn't matter if the food they have is uneatable..." She mumbled quietly to herself. Talking to herself was an old habit that simply refused to die no matter how many times she mentally scolded herself. It was also why some got the strange idea in their head that she wasn't mentally sound.
That's because they obviously haven't met me in a debate worth my time...The thought made her smirk with amusement as she passed through the set of large wooden doors.
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