Welcome to Gaia! ::

Autsu was not unaware of the traits he shared with Narin. Were the picture in color, Kian would have seen more. Their matching eyes. Their dark skin. The pencil sketch, even in hiding these facts, apparently revealed too much. He listened in silence as his friend spoke. No interuptions, no interjections, just cautious watchfulness.

He didn't nod in response to Kian's questions, though until this moment he hadn't really remembered saying those things to his ally. And he didn't argue the simularities that he saw between his friend and his lover.

It was a boldness, a brightness.

He just listened. And when Kian was done speaking, he pulled his wings around himself, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He looked very young then, and very bruised. His fingers worried the ring and the chain around his neck. His voice was so forcefully controlled that it shook with the effort.

"No. He had low tastes." This he said, as he remembered Narin's restless pacing, his prince's anger at his initial resistance.

'I am trying to seduce you.' Hissed in irritation, by his bold proud prince.

"I... we were... it was not permitted. The castes were not to mix. He was the prince, the next leader of our people. Like a god to them. They would have died for him. Me too.

"You're not supposed to touch things like that. Not if you're just a Di' guard. I made him dirty. I shamed him."

For all his rejections, then and now, of the beliefs of his people, they ran deep. Somewhere in him, there was self loathing not only for being caught, but for daring in the first place. Daring to love someone so high above him. Maybe that's why Narin hadn't turned. Hadn't even tried to stop them.

He heard the words. Or at least he heard the voice behind the words, the anger there. And that, at least, was comforting. It validated his own anger, gave voice to things that he sometimes had difficult thinking. Because he loved Narin, and had loved his country. It was hard to be angry, with the love still so strong.

But the words themselves did not penitrate deeply. He could not, or would not, allow Kian's thoughts to change his perspective on a life he'd lived on a wrong that may or may not have been wrong. He was too unsure himself to allow anothers thoughts to penitrate. It was just one more level in the confusion.

And he couldn't speak. He simply leaned into Kian's arms, with no thoughts of sex or desire. His tactic at least, had worked. Want was, for the moment, the furthest thing from his mind.

"Kian."

He managed the name, but no more. He didn't know what else to say.

Autsu was lost, half caught in Esuth, in the past he couldn't even bring himself walk away from. Though keeping that past close to him hurt all the more. Maybe the pain kept his path clear before him. Maybe he just didn't know how to give up the love that went with it.

He found himself wanting to explain it to Kian, to show his ally the love that made the pain so poinent, but the words weren't there. He'd spoken them once, in dark palace gardens, whispered them in Narin's ear. But this language did not have words for the fierce, forbidden heat of that love, had only stumbling phrases he did not think emotion shy Kian could understand. He had loved with a warriors heart, and the words that he'd learned here were too weak.

"I can not walk past it, Anne." He was quiet now, and his voice no longer shook. It was low and rough with pain, showing the first hints of he might sound as an adult. "I am grateful for this world. I am grateful for you."

His fingers fluttered upward, brushing lightly against Kian's arm.

"But in my mind, I am still as the picture you saw." Brief silence, and the sound of his unsteady breaths. "Are you still death white, when you see yourself?

"So dark now, the both of us."

It was the hair petting that did it. Somehow, that comfortable touch was enough to bring Autsu back to himself. Kian was holding him lightly, and stroking his hair. This was not okay. This was very, very weird.

But Kian was sharing, speaking softly. And he had been patient, been supportive, through Autsu's lost wandering. The winged one was not going to cut his friend off by interupting or pulling away. He too, could be a good friend, when he tried to be. Even if he struggled sometimes, against himself. Kian too, could ache with memories.

"You are twin to no one and **** to me." He let his language slip there, still close to Esuth, to his true nature. In his true language, he sounded like a snake speaking Russian. In his true language, he could use a word that meant trust and leadership and strength given and received. "And we, we are not worthless. We will help the others, and find the lost."

He allowed himself to be silent, finding his path once again as he spoke of duty.

"You are important, Anne.

"To me."

"Yes, it is not suited to this form. Little is." The last was bitter, said with irritation. He was still not fond of his form. It was unlikely that he'd ever become so. Sad, because he'd loved a form so like this one. But that, worn by another. It suited him less well.

It was a relief, when Kian moved away from him, and there was no hiding the slight relaxation of his muscles when the other gave him space. It was not intention, it was not wanted. But there was too much want for him to accept the others proximity easily. And too much tangled in the ideas of want for him to persue those desires.

Still, he met his friends triple gaze with his own level stare. "I am sorry." He replied, and there was undisguised sincerity in his voice. He was sorry, about many things. "I am not accustom to being touched. It confuses me."

An admission of weakness? Not really. Just the best explination he could give for his actions.

"Tell me of your woods, ally. I have never hunted. I have dwelled in castles, on battle fields. And here."

Well, that had worked better than expected. He had hoped to divert the other's attention, but had not realized that the other might get lost in the memory of what he spoke of. Kian was smiling, a rare event, and so Autsu listened, trying to understand this thing that could make his friend smile.

It was difficult to understand such passion for location When he had dedicated himself, it had been to people, either individually or as a country. Mostly individuals. He did not think well, in abstracts. It was what had made him a good guard, but occasionally a poor soldier. It had been hard for him to kill for the country. Killing for Narin had been simple.

But Kian was speaking, and Autsu was trying to listen. Trying to picture his friend as described, in the place described, and finding it difficult. Kian was as he was here. Strong, intelligent, attractive and self assured.

What might they have thought of him, among his own people? Or would they have thought anything, if everyone was twin?

"And these forests, Gaian forests, would you find your way in them, as you could back home? Would you teach me to hunt as you could?

"It would be well for me to be able to feed myself."

"You are many skilled my friend." Autsu murmured, the compliment given with a mildness that indicated sincerity, not flattery. He was feeling, after his emotional outburst, surprisingly mellow. Even Kian's tail was not disturbing him over much, now that the boy had given him a little space. Too much of the past still lingered. "Me, I only fight. I do not hunt, or navigate the woods."

Almost, he laughed, at Anne's other statement, the suggestion that he might not be fed well enough. Almost. But he felt too worn, thin and streached like old cotton. The suggestion of amusement entered his voice, but he didn't crack a smile.

"I am fed, there is no neglect here." As had happened before, when Autsu was sufficently calm, his fingers found Kian, running with absent lightness over his tail. "But--"

He hesitated. "Nothing can be relied on."