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 Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 12:45 am
Niphz P: I'm sure you've got enough items to be worth a good few million. Can't argue with you there, I'm just poor in gold count.
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 5:14 am
@cbc - That can be fixed fairly easily.. xD
@Trey - Well, I won't then, seeing that it was just for fun (:
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 9:45 am
Niphz @cbc - That can be fixed fairly easily.. xD
@Trey - Well, I won't then, seeing that it was just for fun (: no! I would really enjoy a critic, even if its of nothing in particular^_^ gives me something to work on eh?
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 10:19 am
Don't say you didn't ask for it, then.. xD Trey Shen silent as the dead I cry holding my head thinking of the times we had dreaming so not to be sad Not too bad a stanza, some punctuation would be nicewo bu neng zhegai guaiwu nei wo (why random chinese?)but I can see that there is hope I want to let you see I love you so (doesn't actually rhyme with 'wo')I hate watching you go, and say nope (too flippant a word, change for something else; also grammatically should be 'saying' not 'say')I cry to myself every night wondering if you even care about my feelings I stay up late always alone pondering if you even want to be my lover Not too awful, again the word 'lover' sticks out like a sore thumbgive me the words to say give me the power to go away (this line completely defeats the point of the rest of the poem)I want to be the best I want to be rid of the rest This stanza seems to just be randomly put together. Cut it.the monster that hides inside will come out, it will not hide I like these lines best.
In general it feels more like an attempt at pop song lyrics than actual poetry. The subject matter is rather clichéd and could definitely be more original. I don't think it's worth putting words which don't fit the mood or style (like 'nope') into it just to rescue the rhyme scheme; better to not have a rhyme scheme at all. The random line of Chinese, whilst a nice thought, doesn't add anything to the poem unless you run a thread of Chinese through the whole poem; I'd suggest getting rid of it altogether. It also doesn't make sense in Chinese -___-; grammatically it should be 'wo bu neng zhe gai wo xin nei de guai wu' P;
-cough-
Seem to have gone on quite a bit. S'ry ;P
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:24 am
Niphz Don't say you didn't ask for it, then.. xD Trey Shen silent as the dead I cry holding my head thinking of the times we had dreaming so not to be sad Not too bad a stanza, some punctuation would be nicewo bu neng zhegai guaiwu nei wo (why random chinese?)but I can see that there is hope I want to let you see I love you so (doesn't actually rhyme with 'wo')I hate watching you go, and say nope (too flippant a word, change for something else; also grammatically should be 'saying' not 'say')I cry to myself every night wondering if you even care about my feelings I stay up late always alone pondering if you even want to be my lover Not too awful, again the word 'lover' sticks out like a sore thumbgive me the words to say give me the power to go away (this line completely defeats the point of the rest of the poem)I want to be the best I want to be rid of the rest This stanza seems to just be randomly put together. Cut it.the monster that hides inside will come out, it will not hide I like these lines best.
In general it feels more like an attempt at pop song lyrics than actual poetry. The subject matter is rather clichéd and could definitely be more original. I don't think it's worth putting words which don't fit the mood or style (like 'nope') into it just to rescue the rhyme scheme; better to not have a rhyme scheme at all. The random line of Chinese, whilst a nice thought, doesn't add anything to the poem unless you run a thread of Chinese through the whole poem; I'd suggest getting rid of it altogether. It also doesn't make sense in Chinese -___-; grammatically it should be 'wo bu neng zhe gai wo xin nei de guai wu' P;
-cough-
Seem to have gone on quite a bit. S'ry ;PI see I see 3nodding 3nodding true, but my chinese is not all that good eheh... sweatdrop I am trying to work on it ^_^ and thanks for the critic, shows how bad I am for not editing or even thinking about it eh! I will try and write something better^_^ thanks again for the critic^_^
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:57 am
No problem. Please do not quote the entirety of really long posts, it gets annoying having to scroll all the time. Thanks (:
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 12:02 pm
Niphz No problem. Please do not quote the entirety of really long posts, it gets annoying having to scroll all the time. Thanks (: sorry sweatdrop im still kind of new, habits get hard after a while...
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 12:58 pm
No problem, just informing you. (:
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 1:02 pm
a song in its original format is a poem XD
anyways niphz is right, i only read the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza, but it sounded like a song to me, not necessarily a pop song. As for the random chinese... I'm use to hearing that in asian songs but they're random english instead of chinese rofl rofl
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 1:37 pm
mymiridon a song in its original format is a poem XD anyways niphz is right, i only read the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza, but it sounded like a song to me, not necessarily a pop song. As for the random chinese... I'm use to hearing that in asian songs but they're random english instead of chinese rofl rofl lol yeah... plus my chinese sucks at the moment... I have been working on it though..
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 3:00 pm
It's good that you're making the effort 3nodding
@yalie - CALL ME NIPH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? D;
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 8:47 pm
Niphz It's good that you're making the effort 3nodding
@yalie - CALL ME NIPH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? D; thank you^_^ I usually do better when I think about it though... I am surprised... I dont usually make mistakes such as that o.o I must be tired.... thanks for the critic though^_^ it helped a lot
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 9:30 pm
Silent as the Night
Faster than a Train
Hyung Nim will kick your a**
Skilled in Martials and Weapons
One punch from her
And You'll wish you were dead
Knock Cold!
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 11:15 am
@niph: sorry, sorry, i wasn't paying attention XD
@kyo: very aggressive
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 5:46 pm
hear the sound of morning breeze, as the sun would rise up. as they steadily rose or go, the sound of the great bloom, in the mint field.
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