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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:43 am
Wooooooooooooooow. And here it goes. (when I capitalize certain things, I'm usually doing it for emphasis, not for shouting or expressing anger, just so ya' know.)
Keep in mind, this is my critique and merely just my personal opinion on all of it. You do NOT have to explain ANYTHING to me, for any reason whatsoever, so if I offend you or you don't like what you're reading- stop reading, skip over parts, or just ignore what you don't agree with. No opinion is the Right or Wrong one. It's just one person's perspective, nothing more. 3nodding
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First off, take all of the information and run it through a spell-checker. Either you typed too fast and overlooked some miss-spellings (I do the same if I'm feeling particularly excited, or I'm short on time,) or you're not the master speller that EVERYONE, is. It's nothing too serious, but there is the occasional error that distracts the reader from the content.
MOTIVATION:: I like your brief summary as to the 'why' of your spirit selection, it shows a good dedication and interest in the quest and child should you obtain him. (Some folks switch around their concepts, or owners suffer from lack of inspiration concerning their pets- so this explination is a good reminder to you and others.)
HISTORY:: I also enjoyed your post explaining the history of the mirror (it shows that you've done your homework and that you know a bit about your selected subject.) However I get confused when you start in on the story of *your* mirror. Is it based off an actual myth/fairy tale, or is it drawn purely from your own mind? (If it's both, one, or the other, you should state as much somewhere, perhaps in the credits, or an off-handed comment between the History of the Mirror and the Story of the Mirror to be used as a transition.) And if you're telling a story that predates the creation of the mirror, 'The girl had just come back from a walk to get herself a piece of silk to drape over her windows and as usual she had been hooted and whistled at the entire way.' modern words like that, you'll want to avoid. It'll only confuse the reader and pull them from the story as they ponder on just what time the story took place. If you have the second part to Lysander's story typed up, post it as well, the curt ending you've got now doesn't follow the rythym you set for the story. And if it's meant to be written in a older style/format- work on getting it like that, don't just say 'it's meant to be written like...' It makes me think you're just cutting corners to avoid the extra work.
LYSANDER: I like his name and it's definition. I'm also partial to males over females xD
---APPEARANCE Immediately I am puzzled over his appearance, he looks very normal, very plain, and very, very un-mirror like aside from the nice addition of mirror-shards just beneath the flesh(but strikes me more as shiny glitter in the light instead of bits of mirror.) I'm not sure what anyone's immediate thoughts are when it comes to visualizing the essence of a mirror in a humanoid form. But I assume the following: Reflective and shiny surfaces, detached, aloof, and a borderline cool feeling. Bottom line is, mirrors are cold and lifeless. They reflect what is shown, they don't create or embody. So I question his pale skin, his warm, firey-hair, pearlescent eyes, and his kind, happy appearance in his reference images. What I do not question, is his choice of clothing. His origins predate the first mirror, so his choice of garments would naturally be more old-fashioned. What I like is how his humanoid body still retains the scars of his original form. It is a nice detail, much like the detail about his preference for the color gold.
---PERSONALITY I really like the first bit, it touches nicely on his spirit and the inherrent instincts that come along with it. It is creative and the examples help paint a good picture of it.
Your sentence structure gets a bit confusing and hard to follow in the second paragraph, read through it and try to reword some of it. The second paragraph describing the rest of his personality falls a little flat, but it picks up into something interesting towards the end (especially when you take into account that an entity that was once a lifeless object, now has all of these senses to deal with- and how he utilizes them to learn and grow as living being.) I can understand his natural inclination to be polite and gentlemanly, I can get his eventual development into becoming an artsy kid (After an existence of reflecting beauty, it is only a natural assumption that one would seek to create it,) What I don't quite understand is his passive mentality when switching between emotions, thoughts, and opinions. I believe there would come a point where all of this 'feeling' and 'living' and 'thinking' would come to a head and Lysander would mentally shatter, just like his original form did physically. Something of a mental overload after existing purely as a reflective surface with no will or thought of its own?
Or perhaps you could incorporate Lysander's original destruction. The miror was broken, and even in this new form, he still carries the scars from it- wouldn't the break also effect his mind? I think you may have overlooked this particular physical detail that could prove most interesting to toy with when it comes to forming his personality. For Lysander was the FIRST mirror in existence, but he was shattered, and it was -AFTER- the breaking that he became an IoTS. Think on that...
---LIKES I wonder about the vegetables bit, but the rest is acceptable enough, no real need to comment. ---DISLIKES His dislikes could coincide with fears, they make you remember that this kid was once a mirror, and is still subject to age-old fears/dislikes of one.
---ABILITIES Form-decalez ; it's creative and has some decent limitations. But it can be carried away with if you're not careful. Since he's from a mirror, I'd assume he can take on the appearance of another only so long as the person is within sight/range of Lysander's focus/attentions. Does size factor into this? Can he transform into a giant ogre should he come across one? I wouldn't think so given his own small stature. Afterall, mirrors do not grow larger to accomodate the person staring upon them. Also, mirrors reflect only what is readily seen, so Lysander's shape-changing gift would only be partial if you opperate under that conclusion.
Mirror Entrance ; I really like this ability, granted it's a gateway ability that would end up being a vast undertaking should it be used on a consistant basis in his elder stages. Try clean this up and describe it more clearly.
Suggested Ability-- Ensnared Reflection ; familiar with the tale of Narcissus and the discovery of his reflection? When Lysander employs Form-Decalez, he'll take on the appearance of the 'victim', his eyes would dialate, the pupils would fade and his eyes would become flat mirrors. The victim would then become entranced with their reflection and remain fixedly gazing until Lysander grew tired or 'came back to himself'
LORAINNE Dear gods why????? (don't mind the drama, really, I just ain't fond of hybrids mostly,) Why would a half-siren adopt a mysterious child? Why would they live amongst normal folk? How did her parents hook up, why did they in the first place? And why does she have useless wings on her head?
---HISTORY Short and to the point, that's good- but why did she never find a permanent home? How did she manage to leave at 18 and afford a house close to the ocean? Do you know how EXPENSIVE sea-side property is? For an 18yr old fresh out of foster care, that's far from possible, let alone thinkable.
---APPEARANCE Wings.... simply, I'm not a fan of them on most creatures. They'd be utterly useless on her, humans, no matter how thin, are heavy- so large and small bird-wings would be unable to lift them. (Unless she's got hollow bones and a penchant for casting weightless spells of some sort,) You've made her pretty and angelic, Greek Sirens didn't exactly fall into that box, and I consider it rare that hybrid offspring have no physical deformities or short-comings. Two HIGHLY DIFFERENT species got together and made with the SEX. In most cases, nothing comes of it, and if it does, the results are less than desirable, mentally unstable, sterile, or some combination of the aforementioned- if not all of the above. I don't see any shortcomings or flaws, so she doesn't strike me as real or particularly likeable.
---PERSONALITY I don't have much to say here, she just sounds like your atypical, ditsy, bubble-headed teen. Who is likely NOT ready for a bounching baby brat to deal with.
Likes/Dislikes - nothing to say really, same as above more or less.
---ABILITIES Ok... WTF. She was WASHED ASHORE after being ABANDONED. Where she was promptly taken in by the nearest kiddy poorhouse(they are not known for stellar, educational systems or superior child-care,) So HOW does she know what fish are best, HOW does she know how to cook them perfectly? I don't think Siren's took the time to cook their meals, and I doubt their knowledge of fav' foods is purely instinctual.
Singing - it's pushing it a little, being better at the talent than her pureblooded mother, but I won't chuck the possibility given the fact the offspring tend to surpass the parent, and hybrids can have a superior talent from time to time.
But again, she's coming off as too perfect, the only smear on her record is the fact she was abandoned and never got a good home outside the orphanage. Borderline Mary Sue, and overall she's a forgettable character that doesn't intrigue me.
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:54 am
GAH! -slams her head into the keyboard- I read the first paragraph and rolled my eyes. My brother screws with the spellcheck. Instead of changing his words when they don't come up, or trying to spell correctly. He assumes the computer is wrong and adds it to the dictionary. -head slam-
Okay, but besides from that, I was really happy about this. I didn't even feel hurt or offended. I agreed with most of what you had to say ( Except his red hair. It stays. I love it too much regardless of the fact that it may not belong. ><) I was glad to hear you acknowledge my motivation post as it surprises me how often I refer back to it and get reminded why I love him so. If anyone reads this, I suggest you write one because their excellent.
Story is my own creation and I'll add it to credits ASAP! ( yay self credit xD ) I wanted to do my own myth based one because it meant I could set my own limitations and the like. Maybe I can work in his red hair by saying the girl he was made for had hair of the same shade >D Okay, I'll admit I DID cut corners on this by not looking at it again. I wrote down the first draft, ran it over a spell check and put it up. My writting has taken a better form since then and I'll got over part II before putting it up as well. It's going to be my priority starting now.
Yay! Lysander gets another vote on his name ^^ However I'm concidering adding something ( sort of...) to his name when his new gaurdian comes in as it will hold a particular meaning to his character arc and connection with the new carer. It has to do with why she found him. I'll put all this good stuff in character spoilers when it's up.
Appearence is indeed very,very hard for Lysander here. I was so at a loss and my sister got annoyed with me asking with what she imagined. I'm still really struggling to find something truly unique to mark his appearence though. If anyone has ideas, please post them up. Two people have now made comments on his skin tone so I'll try to think of what I can do about this. Once again I'm struggling so if anyone's reading this, please lend a hand! But I'm glad you like the part I added about his preference for gold.
Sentence structure, I see that on every english report card I have. My mind often puts things in while I'm reading so I skip over that stuff easily. I shall try harder! I will also talk to T'poi when I get the chance. A clashing problem between our two spirits is that both of them have been broken in their past life. TP's spirit also has a cracked mentality and I was trying to avoid stepping into her territory. But I'll tackle this when I see her next.
Everyone needs a favourite food, so why not veggies? Maybe he likes the texture because brocoli leaves are rather unique.
HOLY CRUD! I never even thought of age! It would definatly be hard going from an ageless thing that beautiful people preened themselves in, to an aging being. That's brilliance that is, thanks heaps for that one! I might also add a disliking for steam because it blinds him, like when you're in a hot shower and condensation forms on the mirror blocking you from looking at it. Thanks for that again.
Again, you're absolutly brilliant. such limitations didn't cross my mind when I was comming up with them. I will write some up after finishing this as they shouldn't take too long...maybe. In regards to reflecting what is only seen readily I'm not clear on what this means. I'm going to answer it on the basis of a 'what you see is what you get' type deal. Hypothetically Lysander saw a box filled with books. The books are in the box and can't be seen from the outside. Lysander could turn into said box, but what he turned into would not be filled with books because he didn't know they were inside of the original box. Kind of like, you can look like someone all you want, but that doesn't mean you'll have the same personality.
As for the ability suggestion, it interests me greatly. But I would like to see if I can think of a way to expand on it. If the victim is only mesmerised while Lysander is staring at them, it would be of no gain or consequence to him. Just sort of like something he can do. I'll think on this though and see if I get anything.
xDD I so laughed when I read your opinion on Lara, you can see now why I decided to form someone new. Lara was pulled together about a year ago when I started this quest and at the time I liked her. She was simple and easy to go with. Characters who let things slide are easier to play for me than characters who don't, the downside is that they can often leave roleplay empty. In all honesty I didn't even read all of that part because I knew whatever there was probably true. I think we can come to an agreement soon enough tho, because her's is based on a fear of being abandoned again while Lysand's is just an overload.
Once again, thank you very much and I hope I can entice you back here when I have the place looking more s**c and span and not so cobwebbed. I didn't once feel like you were saying something inapropriate. It helped me think of new ways to better the thread and some of your ideas were wonderful <3
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:56 am
Oh god, for a second there I thought my reply to the critique was longer than the critique itself -phew-
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:37 pm
It's good that you didn't get offended and that you got some new ideas/inspiration to add into your quest 3nodding
As for suggestions on his appearance- perhaps a cooler-hued flesh tone, like a slight gray or blue color with some shiny, metallic/reflective surfaces in places? As for his eeys, switch them to tiny mirrors? Dunno, kick it around some more xD
And I'm glad my feedback helped you- and of course I'll come back to do it all again on the new things you add and come up with. xD
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 4:28 am
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