All right! I've given this a once-through, and I'm going to start scribbling notes down here as they occur to me on the second-through, and see what help I can get for you.
heart FORENOTE
First off: the Eloko is an excellent concept base, and I'm in love already. One of the things that reading this made me wonder was, what would the bell of the Eloko look like? Since it's a significant object in Frayre's past life, I was curious to try and find some sort of reference. Some of the designs were pretty interesting, and I thought they were worth noting in case it's something you'll find use for later:
Nuer Cattle Bell (circa pre-185 cool Sudan/Kenya Clapper Bell (circa 1932)Musical Instrument: African Cow BellIn all of these, I found the squarish shape of the bells notable, and different from what I'd originally pictured (tiny round golden bell was what leapt to mind). I couldn't find anything older in the few minutes I spent on Google, but it might be worth taking a closer look at the sort of designs they might have, and see if that's worth any inspiration for you.
STORY
I'm going to go through each piece and suggest rewrites. I'm not going to touch the concepts, because I think you have a solid story that follows the myth well; but I am going after sentence structure and redundancies. Feel free to take or leave it as you want, and I'll be happy to answer any questions you have.
smile Quote:
They say that the Eloko are ancestral spirits who have a grudge to settle with those who live near the forest where they live.
(This is too indirect, with too many qualifiers. Try something like: "They say that the Eloko are ancestral spirits with a grudge against those living near their forest". It communicates the same information, but is less indirect and wandering.) Until they settle their grudge
, they cannot leave the dense woods
, where they guard their treasures. Killing them will not set them free; after all, spirits can never really die. To join the rest of the sleeping ancestral spirits
, they must punish those who have done them wrong.
(Alternatively: "They must punish those who have done them wrong if they want to join the rest of the sleeping ancestral spirits." Rephrasing it this way will also break up the sentence structure pattern that has been building.) If they cannot
punish the individuals, then it will be the family who suffers.
(Two things to address in this sentence; first off, you used the term "punish" in the sentence before, so you might want to change the term to a synonym in this one (though the first might be easier; "take revenge" was the first synonym to come to mind for me, but it's hard to work into the second sentence gracefully). Second; the subject of your sentence is confused, which causes troubles when you refer to "the family". The first time I read this, I was wondering why the Eloko's family would be in trouble for not punishing the individuals! Try saying, "If the individuals are not punished, then it will be their family who suffers.")Nuru was one such Eloko.
Once he was a man, a struggling hunter from a small village.
(This is awkward English. Saying "Once he was a man" is suggesting more, "Once he became a man"; either you need a comma after "Once", or you should say "He was once a man" to avoid confusion.) In order To woo the woman he wished to marry
, he needed to prove himself as a worthy man to marry.
So far, He had yet to kill anything worthy of an offering. If he could not provide for himself
, then he would not be able to provide for his family, the woman's mother
had told him, when she shooed him away from their hut day after day.
(You've got two different functional tenses here (even though it's all technically past tense); one is in the story "present", one is in the story "past". Saying that "the woman's mother had told him" is past, but "when she shooed him away from their hut day after day" is present. I would probably replace "had" with "always", and that should clear up any awkward tensing. I might actually suggest, though, rephrasing the whole sentence to go, "Day after day, the woman's mother shooed him away from their hut and told him that if he could not provide for himself, he would not be able to provide for his family.") Nuru knew that if he did not prove himself soon,
the other hunters would catch something powerful and would win the woman's hand in marriage.
(All of them are going to marry her? xP You might want to rephrase this "another hunter", or "one of the other hunters"!) (Needs a new paragraph to break up the thoughts.)One night, he consulted the medicine man
who, , and taking pity
on him, he told him that he could find great treasure
in the depths of the forest in the forest depths. But
he warned him it would be dangerous
, he warned him, if he did not take this blessed feather. The fetish would protect him, the medicine man promised. Nuru said his thank yous
, and prepared for his trip into the forest.
(Probably worth another paragraph here as well.)Little did he know that several of the village's hunters had overheard his conversation with the witch doctor. Thus, when he set out on his journey, they followed him. When he was far enough away from the village
, they ambushed him, killing him and stealing his
blessed feather. With the blessing, they were able to enter the darkest parts of the forest and return with the treasure. As for Nuru, the villagers simply assumed he got lost and died in the woods. What would they expect of such a poor hunter?
The spirit of Nuru met with Mbomba, the master of life and death. At Nuru's request, the god sent his spirit back into the forest where he had died.
(I have to admit; this disappointed me. Meeting Mbomba is such a dramatic thing! Can't we get at least a little look at how he was persuaded to let Nuru back? Even just a line talking about Nuru pleading with him would be enough to let your reader imagine and sympathize with the situation.) Upon touching the forest floor, it grew up into a body and enclosed his spirit. Grass-covered and with fire in his eyes, Nuru became an Eloko.
(New thought, new paragraph.)For years he waited in the depths of his forest for foolish hunters to seek out the treasures he guarded. (This sentence strikes me as awkward; too much happening, not direct enough. It needs to be broken up or restructured. Something like: "He spent years in the depths of his forest, waiting for foolish hunters to seek out his treasures.") He had promised himself he would eat anyone who was foolish enough to venture into his territory, especially if they were descendants of those who ambushed him. (Repetitive wording; take it out or use a synonym.) Eating them would settle his grudge and give him peace. (I really dislike this sentence. There has to be better ways to communicate these thoughts; maybe take the part after "especially" in the previous sentence, and combine that concept with this to make a more complete and fulfilling one?) However, it seemed that one treasure run had been enough for the hunters. Whether they feared that Nuru's vengeful spirit resided there or they simply didn't need to prove themselves again, nobody entered the deep forest for several decades.
(New paragraph time!)Now, an Eloko can only for so long before their craving for human flesh begins to drive their actions. (Whoops, missing a word! Those who are strong-willed resist the temptation, their desire to satisfy their grudge much stronger. Nuru, however, began to lose sight of his purpose in his hunger. (This would be better rephrased as: "In this hunger, however, Nuru began to lose sight of his purpose.")
When a hunter brought his wife into the forest with him, Nuru left the denser forest to follow the smell. Women always smell better to the Eloko, which is why it is never a good idea to bring one along unless you wish to offer her as bait. (This is too much "tell", not enough "show". It would be better to make this fact apparent in the story - in the sentence before, just say "Nuru left the denser forest to follow the enticing smell of female", and we'll understand that the specific smell of a woman draws Eloko.) The moment the hunter was gone to check his animal traps, Nuru made his move. As he approached, he jingled his bells, awakening their ancient magic and drawing the hunter's wife into his spell. When he reached the door,, he called out to the woman, speaking in the voice of a child. "May I come in please?" The wife, under the spell of the bells, opened the door for him. She smiled at him, and offered him banana mash with fried fish, but Nuru refused. "We eat only human meat," he replied, with a smile of his own. "I have not eaten for a long time. Give me a piece of your arm."
(New paragraph!)The bells worked their magic, and Nuru ate the woman.(This is such a critical element of the story, but it just gets glossed over. This needs a lot of thought to work well; I'd assume you don't want to get into gory details, but you do need to give the reader something more than a placeholder of events.) He decided to leave the bones as a present for the husband before he retreated back into his sanctuary. (This needs more detail as well; why did he decide to leave the bones? Out of spite? The character has committed an evil and despicable act; your job as a writer is to make him sympathetic in doing it. He has so much anger built over from his life - use it!)
Nuru grew braver with each new dinner, and by the time the forest festival came around he was feeling pretty well invincible.(And now we're missing things entirely. He kept hunting? People kept bringing their wives into the forest? This is the space of less than a year, I presume; if he's continuing to eat folk, he must be going into the village, is that right? Give us a full understanding of what's going on, because there's a huge gap between "leaving her bones" for the first time, and "each new dinner" in the next sentence.) So far No hunter's wife was safe from him. Thus, with great confidence, he joined the rest of the forest spirits who gathered for the festival. It was only when the festival was over did things take a turn for the worst. (This sounds awkward; maybe a more direct, "But when the festival was over, things took a turn for the worst" would be better?) The festival had been a trap, baiting him to come out of the forest so that the hunters could see him. (This is also awkward. Give us a little context; "While Nuru was drinking and making merry, he was unaware that....", or something along those lines.) The village medicine man had given each hunter a fetish to protect them from the Eloko's magic, leaving Nuru no choice but to run.
(New paragraph!)Shrieking his rage, he fled back into the forest, pursued by the village hunters. He did not make it very far before he was caught and burned. Thus, the reign of the woman-eating Nuru was over.
His spirit was once again sent before Mbomba, and the god was less than pleased. "Nuru!" he said, "How can you join the rest of the ancestral spirits who can be called upon for help! (I can't imagine him actually saying this. It feels too much like trivia. Justify it or cut it, I'd say.) You could not even settle your grudge with those who persecuted you. Instead, you allowed yourself to become a monster, going after those who could not defend themselves!" But Nuru pleaded with the god, saying, "Mbomba, give me another chance! Those villagers, they tricked me and killed me when I was weak! They have no honour!" Mbomba did not falter. "I will not send you back to terrorize the villagers! You will not be reborn by this hand. Go! You have much to learn before you are worthy to join your ancestors, Nuru."
And so Nuru's spirit was left to wander the forest he once called home, waiting for perhaps another opportunity for a second chance.Only one content issue here, and that's with the last line. He has to be available for rebirth, and that means not being a ghost; he has to be "faded", more or less. I would take him out of the forest and leave him in the realm of the dead, where Airi would presumably be able to call to him. I would also make specific mention that what he is, is fully an Eloko and not a human; there's a bit of ambiguity going on that I'd have to think a lot about to make sure that he's a fully eligible Fa'e concept, and it would be better to just make the solid divide that he is an Eloko, and his spirit is an Eloko, and that is not changing.
FRAYNE: GENERAL
First bit: if he doesn't have a nickname, don't put the category on there. He might get nicknames through RP, but there's no real reason to include it if it's not applicable, right?
FRAYNE: APPEARANCE
To begin with, I have a few questions about his character design.
The design you have for him struck me as a bit pick-and-choosy on the traits. The Eloko is a very awkward creature; its jaw to be able to unhinge to swallow people whole (specifically, the jaw and not the mouth; a small mouth will restrict what can fit, whereas a small jaw will affect the shape of the face), and they're described as having long snouts (which you mentioned, but I was looking at the picture and got a different message, hence why I bring it up). Another bit that I questioned was why, when an Eloko's face and body are specifically coated with grass, Frayne's body was more selective about it. Is this a part of his humanization?
Also on the note of his grass attributes, I don't understand why clothes would bother them too much. Unless the blades of grass are very long on his arms and legs, in which case they could be pulled off by the process of putting on/taking off clothes, in which case, I understand things much better - but it would be worth noting that length somewhere.
On one of your sources, I see you noted the Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures! I just got that book for my birthday last year. I wanted to make sure, were you just referencing the book (and have a copy), or was there an online article you gleaned info off of? Not that it really matters, it seems the Wiki article on Eloko was taken word-for-word from the book. :C HOWEVER, looking up the entry for Biloko (which are giant Eloko, somewhat) gives us a poignant piece of information, stretching the description of an Eloko having a snout into "snouts like crocodiles", which is worth considered for Frayne's appearance. It also tells us that Eloko have hands "like those of a gorilla".
Some quick grammar errors to fix as well:
"While Frayne is not a pygmy in his current life, he definitely has a short, rather stout build and
would will never grow to be very tall"
"Like in his former life
, he has no real hair"
FRAYNE: PERSONALITY
I really like Eloko's personality archetype. I think there's a lot of potential for his character among the Fa'e community, but I just wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't find places to nitpick. (As my first nitpick; why are you using past-tense here, when you used present-tense in his appearance description? If anything, you should be using future tense for both of them!... but that tends to be awkward, so just a unified tense is fine.)
I don't understand what you mean, "While Nuru may have been born without remorse for what he did". Do you mean to say, he didn't have remorse when he took his final death? "Been born" is misleading in this case, because his being born after what he did means being a Fa'e, and I don't think that's what you mean to say.
I'd like to understand more where his "evil genius" persona comes from. It wasn't something he seemed to demonstrate as an Eloko, where he seemed more opportunistic and foolhardy than scheming and plotting. This is something that you should either tie into his past life, justify in his Fa'e life, or reconsider.
Does he view himself as a villain? And if so, why? It's unusual for someone to think of themselves that way as a child, not without more serious issues backing it up regarding their self-worth; and if that's the motivating factor (which I think it may be, given "mirrors" under his dislikes), it's worth more exploration as a deeper drive to his personality, rather than the resulting factors that are delved into already.
When you say he was "the lord of the forest", I think it's worth taking a moment to understand what that would mean to him. As an Eloko, was he involved in whatever community of spirits or animals were in his forest? Did they obey him and recognize his dominance? Did he have subjects, or was he a loner? How are these factors playing into his personality here? It seems to me that his dominance would be driven more by territory issues (i.e., this is MINE) than right-to-rule issues (i.e., you have to do what I say).
"These sorts of behaviours have made it hard for Frayne to make any friends" - be careful about statements like this, you could be surprised how things play out. These behaviors could make it difficult -
if people react the way you expect. One thing I found with Dusty was that people were far more indulgent in his behavior than I'd expected of them, and it changed my expectations for his social life. This could happen with Frayne as well, so keep the doors open. You never know; he might just end up being enabled all through his childhood.
Spelling error: "Subtly" should be "Subtlety".
FRAYNE: LIKES/DISLIKES
I read "attention (even negative will do)", and instantly wondered: Does that include the attention he gets when he's being bossed around? If everyone else was ignoring him, would he be happy to take orders? It seems like a paradoxial situation for him to crave any attention, but reject certain kinds.
FRAYNE: POWERS
I have a question about the Spell of Bells. A lot of what I got from reading about the Eloko suggested that it was specifically geared to handle women, as opposed to men. Is the spell choosy at all? Does it affect one gender more than another? What is it that defines someone's likelihood to be drawn in by the spell; an appreciation for the beauty of the sound (which could explain a gender bias, maybe), or simple willpower?
I wasn't sure what to make of the idea that Eloko could regurgitate a person he'd swallowed after an hour and have them be unharmed. There's a lot of questions this brings up - how are they able to breathe during that time, for one?
A smaller trait worth considering; as the Eloko, Frayne in his past life had the "smell of the forest", as in the tale. Is this something that would apply to his reborn form?
FRAYNE: WEAKNESS
You mentioned a "change of voice" power that isn't around? I assume this was cropped at some point?
Why would a skilled hunter have a special boost against Frayne? Is there something about the profession that makes it so? In the African culture, being a "hunter" seems akin to being any kind of warrior; I'm not sure why a hunter would specifically be blessed in a fight against Frayne, other than possibly the psychological advantage of being what killed him in his past life.
I definitely like the idea of weaknesses based on things that could have dispelled him in his past life; it's a keeper.
I'm not sure, however, why fire would have any specific damaging effects against him anymore. He isn't actually
covered in grass, he only has it where any other person would have hair - and a green, thriving grass is a good deal less flammable than hair, I'd say. I think that fire as a weakness is a good thing, but it's not self-explanatory with his current appearance. It either needs to be a magical weakness, or something else has to feed it.
Whoosh.... there we go! I did have one more question as I read into the character questions, though. You cite revenge as his motivating factor for coming back to life, and specified it against the village. Why not against the god that refused to let him complete his revenge? Is that going to play in at any point? >> Just had to bring it up....
All in all, your quest is looking pretty good. There's definitely more work to be done, but you've got a solid character you're building towards. I look forward to seeing more!
Reply
Yay for chaos and disruption~ You should know that astra most definitely approves >D! 
