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EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded
and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked
the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other;
there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only
a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in
the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
The lady was insulted, "You Americans are so rude," she said,
"Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad
to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said.
The lady replied, "you Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant," she said.
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I
please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant,
you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the
dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a
lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you
hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown
the wrong b***h out of the window."

How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!

How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.

Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.

Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First.

How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.

A drunk was walking down the beach when he came across a genie lamp.
Being somewhat skeptical, the drunk half-heartedly rubbed the lamp. To
his amazement there was a puff of blue smoke, and a genie appeared!
"You now have one wish", said the Genie.
"But I thought I got three", protested the drunk.
"You've been watching too much TV" said the genie. "Now make it quick!"
"In that case, I'll take a MILLION BUCKS!"
In an instant there was another puff of smoke and the genie, as well as
the lamp, were gone. Surrounding the drunk were ducks, as far as the eye
could see.
First furious, then utterly depressed, the drunk walked aimlessly for
miles down the beach followed by an endless procession of ducks.
Finally, in the distance, he saw the bright neon lights of an ocean-side
bar. "Now, that's what I need!" he thought to himself. And, doing what
came naturally, he went inside to drown his sorrows. As he sat down at
the bar another gentleman, noticing the ducks, said "Hey pal, what
gives?"
"Oh this stupid genie is hard of hearing! I actually asked for a million
BUCKS!"
"I see", said the second man. "You know, I once found a genie lamp too!"
"Really?" said the drunk. "What did you get?"
The second man pulled a small piano out of his pocket, then a miniature
stool. Finally he took a one-foot-tall man out of his pocket who sat
down and started playing bar songs.
"That's something else! But why did you ask for that?" inquired the
drunk.
"Come on..." responded the second man, "You don't REALLY think I asked
for a 12-inch pianist do you?"

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible."Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy".

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"

You know when you're addicted to the internet when..

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You?re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

17. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

18. You name your dog DotCom.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"