| YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF YOU...... |
| THINK FAST FOOD IS HITTING A DEER AT 60 MPH |
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57% |
[ 12 ] |
| IF YOU GO TO A FAMILY REUNION LOOKIN' FER A WIFE |
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23% |
[ 5 ] |
| MOW YER YARD AND FIND A CAR IN IT! |
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19% |
[ 4 ] |
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| Total Votes : 21 |
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 Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:50 pm
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I
also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. The Flower Shop got
the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said,
''RIP'', and sent the card to the funeral home that said, ''I know it's hot
where you're going, but you deserve it.''
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:53 pm
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eye patch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that peg leg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the First World War.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eye patch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird
crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hooks.
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:56 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:59 pm
Only in America
1.Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3.Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4.Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
diet Coke.
5.Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6.Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
8.Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
9.Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: Polio' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
10.Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 6:01 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:30 am
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey guys watch this!
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:34 am
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, ??my son's choking! He
swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced
at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all,
wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?''
''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:42 am
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man
answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving. ''What's the gimmick?'' he
inquired.
''No gimmick,'' the woman answered. ''My husband died, and in his will he
asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.''
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:54 am
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:57 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:58 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:00 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:04 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:05 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:07 am
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Reply
