Welcome to Gaia! ::

the cow may like you

"Everybody hug your tits!!"
From 2 days ago. xD My best friend said it when I was giving myself a hug. xDD;

Here's a list:

1.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields

2. I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields

3. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields

4. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

5. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields

6. It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields

7. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein

8. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

9. Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

10. W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. "I'm looking for a loop-hole,"
he explained.
W. C. Fields

11. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
Albert Einstein

12.
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"
Ray Combs

13. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

14. A Hospital is no place to be sick.
Samuel Goldwyn

15. A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.
Samuel Goldwyn

16. Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

17. Color television! Bah, I won't believe it until I see it in black and white.
Samuel Goldwyn

18. Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success.
Samuel Goldwyn

19. Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

20. I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
Samuel Goldwyn

21. I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
Samuel Goldwyn

22. I read part of it all the way through.
Samuel Goldwyn

23. I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
Samuel Goldwyn

24. If people don't want to go to the picture, nobody can stop them.
Samuel Goldwyn

25. Ill give you a definite maybe.
Samuel Goldwyn

26. Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

27. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

28. I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

29. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
Terry Pratchett

30. He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting "All the Gods
are bastards."
Terry Pratchett

31.
You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.
Terry Pratchett

32. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett

33. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

34. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

35. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

36. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

37. Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing.
When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!
Jay Leno

38. According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well,
duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Jay Leno

39. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey

40. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

41. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

42. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

43. Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Dennis Miller

44. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

45. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips

46. "If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer"
Robin Tyler

Last one's my favorite... XDDD

"I'm gonna kill you till your dead."

'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." -Lewis Black (stupidest thing ever heard)

The most randomest quote ever would probably be:

"...and really bad eggs." - Jack Sparrow