|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:11 pm
 <********> "One day, Jesus turned to his disciples and said 'I am the word made flesh, ********.' They immediately bowed in respect and went to fetch him whiskey and pills." That's a parable, and some words of warning. I may be caught in the a** end of William S Burroughs' social networking experiment, but I know what journalism feels like. <********> A mad-b*****d s**t that won't come out until you can taste the blood trickling out your nose. Writing ticker tape pablum for the peanut gallery might pay the bills but it won't protect you from me oh no it will not. <********> I used to teach journalism. Until they found the bodies. <********> Where are my ******** pills.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 1:49 pm
*lights a cigar, takes a puff, and spits on the floor*
Am I supposed to be impressed, bub?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:05 am
 The Winsome Wasp @******** You freak the ******** out Spider, but I'm glad to have you back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 8:08 am
<********> @TheWinsomeWasp It isn't me that gives you the hippie hippie heroin shakes, sweat dripping down your spine, hands clammy and pulse racing. I am the medium, it is the message. I am the lens through which you view that what is as it truly is. I am the way and the light. I am the holy prism of journalism. I take in s**t and reflect the pure truth.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:55 am
The Winsome Wasp @******** Weird. Anyways. Maybe you should get back on the news. You should probably look into checking out Kapow Action news. I bet you'll have a heart attack of fun.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 5:07 am
 @HaniwaNoMirai I didn't think that technology could jump the shark, but here it is.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 9:08 am
<********> @TheWinsomeWasp Action, eh? I saw more action from a cot in the Red Cross tent at the Beirut airport than those Blew the Audition for Sex and the City yuppie pundits will see in a lifetime, and I'm talking spent shell casings here not used condoms floating in the toilet kind of action. I wouldn't trust those vat grown alliteratives to cover the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader tryouts.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:08 pm
That is so over the 140 character limit~! eek
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 5:14 pm
THE WORD
Publisher: Scott Summers
Editor in Chief: Mitchell Royce
Guest Editor: Megan Gwynn
Chief Columnist: Spider Jerusalem
Letter from the Editor
Hi, I'm Pixie, chairwoman of the MEGAN GWYNN FOUNDATION (FOR AWESOME STUFF), fearless leader of TEAM ROBOUNICORN, the winner of the second series of TOTAL DRAMA ACTION, and occasional back up dancer for Dazzler. Ms. Frost always says to lead with your biggest achievements when speaking to an unfamiliar audience so yeah, that's me and where I'm at. I'm pretty much here because my foundation commissioned a series of interviews with the people closest to the wild recent events to figure out what the heck happened.
I guess we should start with Zatanna's story since none of it would have happened without her, but not in the way that it was all her fault cause it totes wasn't. She got commissioned by Bigby Wolf along with Brainiac 5 to find a way to repel the seriously bad mojo that was leaking from Wolf Valley into the Nexus. Zatanna thought that if they could create an equivalent amount of good energy, it would repel all the bad. Turns out she was right.
At her request, Brainiac 5 built a functioning replica of the pods used by the Zamarons to turn recruits into Star Sapphires. Zatanna was able to use the love based energy from her ring to cancel out and repel the energy from Wolf Valley. Unfortunately the pod was not decomissioned, which sparked the disastrous events that followed. Here's what she had to say in interview with The Word's Spider Jerusalem.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 5:17 pm
LOVEGAME AFTERMATH INTERVIEW #1: ZATANNA
SPIDER: You're looking well, all things considered.
ZATANNA: Thank you. I've spent the last week on Themyscera at Achilles' invitation processing the whole ordeal. Anything seems easy to deal with when you're walking along one of their beaches.
SPIDER: Tell me a bit about your experience as a Star Sapphire.
ZATANNA: It’s hard to know where to start, really. Looking back, it was really a very deceptive thing. I thought, you know Wonder Woman’s done this so it can’t be all that bad or dangerous. Most of us [female superheroes] sort of look to her to point the way when the path isn’t so clear, and that’s where I got the idea initially. If she was willing to put this ring on for Bruce and enter the fray then it really shouldn’t have been much of a stretch for me to do it to take care of such a seemingly simple problem.
SPIDER: It wasn’t getting rid of the energy that was the problem though, was it?
ZATANNA: No, it was the nature of the powers and their effect on me I suppose. I’m used to handling a lot of power, it comes with the territory, but in magic you never get handed a great deal of power without an equivalent price. With these rings, it’s almost the exact opposite. You get handed a vast reservoir of power with almost no limits. It’s a dangerous thing and really makes me question the value and validity of these corps.
SPIDER: How so?
ZATANNA: Handing people this kind of power and letting them loose in the universe is just the epitome of irresponsibility, no matter what your motives are and I can say that now having experienced it. I get that a couple of the corps in this so called spectrum are rightly considered outlaw groups. You’ve got to be a really special kind of reckless to enable a house cat to become a highly dangerous spree killer, but that same kind of logic that fences off the so called delinquent corps from legitimacy isn’t being applied to the rest of them, especially the Star Sapphires. It’s disturbing to me that there isn’t any serious action being taken about the fact that there’s this hideous cult out there operating in the open as if it’s some kind of corollary to the Green Lanterns.
SPIDER: You’re saying that the Star Sapphires are a cult?
ZATANNA: Yes, they’re a predatory cult. They’re, I guess you could say, the intergalactic version of the Branch Davidians or the Manson Family. There’s two ways to become a Star Sapphire; the one that gets romanticized and talked up as if the corps is about empowerment is what Poison Ivy refers to as the “Lonely Hearts Club.” An unattached ring senses a woman’s loss, pretty much exclusively the loss of a lover, and seeks her out. In reality it’s just a sleazy way to exploit women in a moment of emotional vunlerability. Obviously, that’s not how I got my ring, but it was the motivation behind it. To turn tragedy into an opportunity for growth and change like Bruce did.
SPIDER: What’s the other way?
ZATANNA: The other way is what happened to Metamorpho and Poison Ivy, which given my background, has always been something that goes against everything I believe in. What the Zamarons do is take their prisoners to these violet crystal chambers and essentially brainwash you into becoming one of their own.
SPIDER: Isn’t that what Brainiac 5 based the design of the pod he built on?
ZATANNA: It is, but he altered the design so that it could function as a power battery as well.
SPIDER: If the pods were originally designed to indoctrinate people into a certain way of thinking, isn’t it possible that the ones used here in the Nexus could have been used to plant a more sophisticated version of a post hypnotic trigger into anyone who used the chamber?
ZATANNA: Are you suggesting that Brainiac 5 would do something like that?
SPIDER: I’m not attaching any names to the idea. I’m just asking that given the kind of technology that this thing is based on, could someone accomplish that?
ZATANNA: I can’t really speak to the engineering of it, but in theory it does seem possible.
SPIDER: That everyone who entered that pod could be walking around with some kind of trigger hiding deep in their brain that could be set off at any time.
ZATANNA: Hypothetically.
SPIDER: Not to put too fine a point on it, but it certainly lends credence to your assertion of how dangerous the corps have the potential to be.
ZATANNA: It certainly does, but again it’s hypothetical. There’s nothing to indicate that anyone did anything like that.
SPIDER: So you’re not worried.
ZATANNA: For myself? Not terribly. I have a back up personality.
SPIDER: The Zatanna of Zur En Arrh?
ZATANNA: [Laughs] Something like that.
SPIDER: How are you dealing with what Loki did, his impersonation?
ZATANNA: Better than if it had really been Bruce. It feels strange to say that, but emotionally it just feels like someone took their foot off my chest. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel a bit violated. I don’t really believe when people say the right thing or the soundbyte when they’re asked what the first thing they thought of after a traumatic event was. I don’t think that’s how the human mind really works, especially not under stress like that.
SPIDER: What was that thought?
ZATANNA: I was shocked at first, all my synapses firing at once, but the first coherent thought I remember was being really glad that I hadn’t slept with him while I thought he was Bruce.
SPIDER: Harley Quinn won’t be able to say the same thing.
ZATANNA: Who even knows what really happened there. I thought about that for a bit, did she know, did she suspect, did they actually have sex. I had a certain amount of empathy for her at first until I remembered that she did it to throw me off and keep me from being able to focus on figuring out what was really happening. You never know what’s going on in that head of hers, anyway. For all any of us know, she could have been playing both sides the entire time.
SPIDER: It’s been pretty clearly established that she was; she faked being a victim while in collusion with Poison Ivy.
ZATANNA: I mean that she could have been colluding with both Poison Ivy and Loki. Running interference between them and keeping the charade up until he was outed. Bruce takes her seriously, and that’s enough for me.
SPIDER: How worried are you about being painted a scapegoat for what happened?
ZATANNA: I’ll take my lumps for it. I’m not going to take responsibility for everything that happened, but I accept that mistakes were made that lead to the hijacking of the pods and such. I think what’s most important here is that we recognize that there are vulnerabilities that need addressing. If Poison Ivy hadn’t been forced into negotiating with Loki or had managed to convince him to join her, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.
SPIDER: There’s a rumor that Megan Gwynn brokered the talks between Loki and Ivy. Can you confirm or deny that?
ZATANNA: I can confirm it, I was asked to participate.
SPIDER: How is it that Megan Gwynn of all people managed to bring the two parties together?
ZATANNA: That I really can’t say. It’s one of the things about it that makes me suspicious of what Harley Quinn’s real role was. It’s no secret that her and Pixie bonded on that reality TV show. She wins a million dollars on a show hosted by Quinn’s alleged lover and then swoops in to broker this deal.
SPIDER: So what you’re saying is that the Megan Gwynn Foundation [For Awesome Stuff] could potentially be propped up by money laundered to her by Harley Quinn.
ZATANNA: I think there’s a good chance of it. I watched the show and Pixie never really did anything until the final challenge. I don’t think she showed up for even half of the actual events and yet somehow made it to the final. I can’t really argue that she didn’t beat out Taskmaster legitimately in the final round, but how she got that far is pretty suspicious.
SPIDER: I was a co-host on the previous season and everything seemed on the up and up. Despite the production difficulties and ludicrous, well recorded cheating I never saw anything to suggest that it was a front.
ZATANNA: Didn’t you spend most of your time on set running around the jungle on a Segway high on DMT?
SPIDER: It wasn’t DMT, it was ayahuasca. I also helped the Teamsters convert one of the production trailers into an opium den, but all we had to actually smoke was a water bong and subpar hash. The point here isn’t what I did on my summer vacation, the point is that there wasn’t anything suspicious going on. The producers couldn’t handle the contestants and it folded when the money got cut off.
ZATANNA: Doesn’t that make it even more suspicious that it somehow got greenlit for a second season?
SPIDER: This interview is over. My publicist specifically said this would not be brought up.
ZATANNA: This is your interview.
SPIDER: ******** you and your werewolf journalism. I see what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work.
ZATANNA: I’m not a journalist.
SPIDER: You’re goddamn right you aren’t. I’m out of here.[Editor’s Note: At this point Spider tore off his microphone and stormed out of the studio. He refused to come out of his trailer for eight hours, during which time suspicious smoke was seen coming out of one of the windows and three bullets were fired through the door from the inside.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 7:25 pm
LOVEGAME AFTERMATH INTERVIEW #2 LOKI Editor's Introduction to the Second Interview
So when Loki was teaching Misty how to transdimensionally transport things with magic, Lady Pamela Babbage was doing the same thing in a version of Victorian England where she was being pursued by Addison Broom. The spells converged or some silly thing, we'll get to that later, and punched a hole open into Loki's summer home in Latveria which totes ruined a bunch of his stuff. Ivy took Misty as a hostage and disappeared. Addison got hit on the head and wandered around until he found the Bistro I think. We're not all that clear on what happened to him yet.
Anyway, Loki got mad and pretended to be Batman to find out who wrecked his stuff and stole Misty. Here's what he had to say to Spider Jerusalem of The Word about it.SPIDER: So, Loki remains Loki.
LOKI: [Chuckles] I do, that’s what I do. I remain Loki.
SPIDER: What does that mean exactly?
LOKI: It’s an affirmation, really. I’m a constant. People see me as being erratic, chaotic, or whatever but my basic nature never really changes.
SPIDER: [Shuffles his notes] The best place to start here is probably the simplest. Why impersonate Batman?
LOKI: Why not? Who wouldn’t want to, and really who hasn’t tried? There’s such a mystique built up around this one maladroit with anger issues that you can’t help but be curious about what makes him tick. I’d imagine more than one of his so called rogues pursue him for that reason. Everyone wants to be him, some even as desperately as Tommy Elliot. An inspired man, that one.
SPIDER: So you did it out of curiosity?
LOKI: No, of course not. I did it because I prefer a bit of fun to simply stomping around and turning people inside out to get what I want. My summer home in Latveria was invaded and my protege was kidnapped. I wanted to know who did and why. If I simply stepped through the doors of the Bistro and asked, they would have gone to ground. Batman doesn’t inspire fear the way I do. He’s more of a catalyst. He inspires bravado and creativity from the truly exceptionally ill. Everyone else just hides in a corner nursing their beers and contemplating the wood grain of the bar-top until he leaves.
SPIDER: What did the Black Lantern rings have to do with it?
LOKI: They aren’t “Black Lantern rings,” they’re trinkets I made that mimic the effect of the originals. Anyone proficient enough in necromancy could do it. In human terms, it’s very old magic.
SPIDER: Why use them?
LOKI: I had toyed with the idea for a while following Sabretooth’s antics, which made me more curious about the nature of death in this place and how I might manipulate it. Getting myself blown up required a drastic solution to keep my cover intact, so I slipped the ring on. Being the spooky evil unicorn killing Batman was a laugh.
SPIDER: What about when you were “revived”?
LOKI: I simply crushed the ring in my hand at the correct moment which broke the spell and allowed those silly women to believe their antics worked.
SPIDER: And the Flash?
LOKI: It was simple really, and would have worked if he had an attention span worth half a farthing. Most of the time- when someone kills you- you want to know who did it and why. I figured all I had to do was put the ring on the stupid b*****d and he’d lead me straight to whoever did it. Instead he hosted a costume contest and molested Harley Quinn.
SPIDER: You did your fair share of molesting her as well.
LOKI: Oh ho ho. Is that what you think happened?
SPIDER: Feel free to set me straight.
LOKI: Where’s the fun in that? If I’m to understand David Bowie correctly, modern love precludes the need for such scurrilous interest in a woman’s love life.
SPIDER: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that song is about.
LOKI: Then somebody else did, and they were right.
SPIDER: Madonna did. Harley Quinn performed one of her many songs along those lines. You were on stage for most of it.
LOKI: It was never properly explained to me why I was tied to a chair. I find so much mortal art to be incoherent and lost in sloppy symbolism.
SPIDER: Yet you somehow managed to make a fairly astute point about the numbing effects of constant tragedy in your own number.
LOKI: I did?
SPIDER: Against all odds, apparently. What were you trying to accomplish?
LOKI: I was given parameters. I was made to understand I should stay within a certain set of themes in order to preserve the integrity of the concept of the show as a whole. I used them to march a bunch of undead onto a stage and call it art. I’ve come to understand since then that it is the very essence of pop.
SPIDER: Necromancy is the very essence of pop?
LOKI: In a way, yes. Miss Gwynn was kind enough to put together a package for me that explained that contemporary pop suffers from the compulsion to dig up and regurgitate successful work from the past without reconfiguring in any meaningful way.
SPIDER: You’re reading that off the palm of your hand.
LOKI: I am not.
SPIDER: I can see it. I’m sitting right beside you and I am seeing you staring at your hand reading it.
[Loki shows Spider the palm of his hand.]
LOKI: There’s nothing there.
SPIDER: That’s because you just magicked it away.
LOKI: You’re on drugs.
SPIDER: Stop trying to change the subject. You read that off your palm and then magicked the words away.
LOKI: You are smoking marijuana and accusing me of nonsense.
SPIDER: I don’t see why my smoking marijuana while I conduct this interview has anything to do with what you just did.
[Spider turns around and yells at the production staff]
SPIDER: Take out the last five minutes. Get rid of it, we don’t need any of that.
[Spider turns back around and coughs and switches the joint to his other hand while he goes through his notes.]
SPIDER: At this point it’s been independently confirmed that Megan Gwynn brokered the talks between you and Poison Ivy that resulted in a cabaret instead of some kind of monstrous cataclysm.
LOKI: Yes.
SPIDER: Can you tell me how it is that Megan Gwynn positioned herself to be the broker?
LOKI: Not as such, no. She contacted me saying that she had found a mutually beneficial resolution for all parties involved. You seem to think it’s a far fetched idea.
SPIDER: I do. It is a far fetched idea that a third string member of the x-men could come out of nowhere and convince you to put on a show instead of kill several people and probably take some of their hair while you were at it.
LOKI: If I recall correctly, Ross Perot resolved the Iran hostage crisis.
SPIDER: He did, but I’m failing to see the relevance here.
LOKI: If Ross Perot could resolve the Iran hostage crisis, then I fail to see how Megan Gwynn couldn’t broker a deal here.
SPIDER: Who do you think you are, Johnny Cochrane?
LOKI: No comment.
SPIDER: No comment? No comment? No one ******** says “No comment,” to me in my interview.
LOKI: I believe that I just did.
SPIDER: No. You are mistaken. You did not.
LOKI: I believe the record shows differently.
SPIDER: ******** the record! I’m Spider Jerusalem! This is my place of power! No one ******** with me here!
LOKI: My bad.
SPIDER: You’re goddamn right, your bad.
LOKI: I was being sarcastic.
SPIDER: I am well aware of that. Shut the ******** up.
LOKI: I can’t answer your questions if I do that.
SPIDER: Good. ******** off out of my studio.
[Editor’s Note: Megan Gwynn is not a third string member of the x-men. Megan Gwynn is a second string member of the x-men and the fearless leader of TEAM ROBOUNICORN.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 10:56 pm
LOVEGAME AFTERMATH INTERVIEW #3 HARLEY QUINN
Editor's Introduction to the Third Interview
Harley Quinn is totes my homegal so it was kinda sad to see that she got caught up in all kinds of bad stuff, but she's like that adorable puppy that keeps pooping on the rug. You just can't bap her on the nose! I guess my new job is going to be keeping her out of trouble, maybe I'll give her a job at the Foundation. Here's what she said to Spider Jerusalem of The Word:
SPIDER: I’ve been hearing a lot about you today.
HARLEY: Oh what what might you have been hearing?
SPIDER: Everyone seems to have a different theory about your level of involvement.
HARLEY: Nasty little rumors. People shouldn't guess, leads to conclusions that aren't at all correct.
SPIDER: Talk to me then, how did you get involved in Ivy's scheme?
HARLEY: Well I wouldn't call it a scheme per say. More like a fun little game I couldn't help but join in on all the fun. I needed some way to get more girls about the Nexus, after all. What with my party.
SPIDER: And the best way to do that was to commit murder and level half the Nexus?
HARLEY: Murder? What are you talking about? They're all walking about and fine as they day before they had those nasty little accidents. And why the hell not level half the Nexus? Blowing things up is fun! You make all those pretty lights and one time pink crystals rained down. It's almost like a roller coster ride in the sumertime, y'know.
SPIDER: Right, a rollercoaster ride. Tell me a bit about your relationship with Megan Gwynn.
HARLEY: Uhm Who’s....? Oh you mean Pixie! She's a great kid. She's A pretty close friend of mine, kind of insane how quickly we clicked. She's loads of fun in a small package. Have you expierienced her pixie dust yet? It's way trippy.
SPIDER: I haven’t actually. Is it true you met on the set of TOTAL DRAMA ACTION?
HARLEY: Nah. Don't be silly. We met the night I first showed off my panty gun.
SPIDER: So you were already friends before you competed on the show?
HARLEY: Hmm.. well I guess that would depend. We started hanging out before. We bonded through immense boredom during the show. I mean, who in their right mind can stand being in one place for any long period of time?
SPIDER: There’s been some speculation that you rigged the show in order to give Megan the money without attracting undue attention.
HARLEY: I couldn't even seduce me some extra bonus points, why on earth do you think I'd be able to rig the show so Pixie would win?
SPIDER: How do you explain Pixie’s ability to win the show despite her subpar performance at all but the final challenge?
HARLEY: Have you seen Taskmaster at all? It was a beauty thing, the best dressed an all by getting votes of others. Now did I vote for her, sure! She looked really spiffy but there is no way i could vote on her enough to get the right out come, silly. Have you seen her outfit? It's really cute. Cute goes a looooong way.
SPIDER: That’s not what I’m asking. What I’m asking about is how she managed to make it to the final despite her poor showing in the rest of the show.
HARLEY: All I did was wish her luck. I'm a lucky person so it might have gotten her a bit more lovin. And well I was kind of bumed that I wasn't going to the final round and everything. What does this have to do with Pixie? I thought this was going to be about what happened last month.
SPIDER: It has to do with the mysterious founding of the Megan Gwynn Foundation (for Awesome Stuff) and the circumstances under which she came to broker the agreement between Loki and Poison Ivy.
[Harley looks blankly at Spider for a moment.]
HARLEY: Hmm.. I dunno. She's a good friend, maybe she was trying to get everyone together without people gettin' hurt. As for how she got them together seems the biggest mystery of all. But why focus on the little stuff?
SPIDER: Because that’s what journalism is.
HARLEY: Why?
SPIDER: Haven't you seen All The President's Men?
HARLEY: Is that the one with the bank robbers?
SPIDER: No, that’s Dead Presidents.
HARLEY: OH then no, I haven't seen it.
SPIDER: So you don't find anything suspicious about Megan Gwynn's sudden rise at all or that it appears you had a strong hand in it?
HARLEY: Noppers. None at all!
SPIDER: Some people think you’re the real mastermind here.
HARLEY: Awww... That's soo sweet. I knew I liked ya for a reason.
SPIDER: I think you seduced Deadpool and used him to create a sham of a show to launder a million dollars into Megan Gwynn's hands to create this "foundation" of hers.
HARLEY: Oh my. Boy do you have some fantasies in your head! Such a creative imagination. So creative that I hate to bust your bubble. Ya see it has nothing to do with that. You're barking up the wrong tree. Though I should add that it's just silly that you think I would go to such means. Do I really seem like that type of girl?
SPIDER: Your rap sheet suggests yes.
HARLEY: Well then, your rap sheet has a few screws loose.
SPIDER: That doesn’t even make sense.
HARLEY: It makes perfect sense to me. Pixie's foundation, to me, seems like a way to have fun. Loads and loads of fun. Just because you have a low opinion of women doesn't mean nothin'.
SPIDER: I have a low opinion of everything.
HARLEY: Gee, You should learn to cheer up some. Could make life all the more fun. So are ya gunna tell me all of what ya heard or is the conspiracy theory about Pixie about it?
SPIDER: What happened between you and Loki when he was posing as Batman?
HARLEY: Oh that. It was just a bit of fun. I was mighty shocked that it worked. Yesiree! It's hard to drug a god after all.
SPIDER: So you knew it was him at the time.
HARLEY: Course I did, though would it really matter? I mean it was THE Batman! Not some face but Bruce. But you really wanna know what happened between us?
[Harley leans forward.] Not a damn thing.
SPIDER: It wasn't Batman.
HARLEY: Looks like a duck, sounds like a duck might as well enjoy it being a duck.
SPIDER: You aren't fooling me, Quinn.
HARLEY: Whatcha talking about, Jerusalem.
SPIDER: Playing dumb.
HARLEY: You're right, I shouldn't try to fool ya. Sure I knew it was him. Who could resist at a chance to prank the prankster and then get to look at Batman's face to boot? It's like a dream come true.
SPIDER: Were you playing both sides?
HARLEY: Why would I do that? I don't do that to Ivy. Kitty and Mista J sure! Who could resist it? But not Ivy. Nosiree!
SPIDER: What are your plans now that Ivy's bid to take over the Nexus has failed?
HARLEY: Oh I'm gunna plan the most Spiffy party ever. Except, sense the whole girl thing failed, I'm gunna make it so guys can join in and make a game for snatching boxers or breifs.
SPIDER: I think we're just about done here, I'm not sure I can handle much more of this.
HARLEY: Huh? What's that supposed ta mean?
[Spider flicks his cigarette into the wings, landing in a mysterious puddle of gasoline, starting a fire.]
SPIDER: It means that we have to evacuate the studio because a gasoline fire just started that I had no involvement in.
HARLEY: Everyone's a critic. Jeez. [Harley stands up and knocks him over the head with her purse. You're no fun anyway. Boring old grump.
[Editor’s Note: Spider set the fire.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:41 am
LOVEGAME AFTERMATH INTERVIEW #4 POISON IVY/LADY PAMELA BABBAGE
Editor's Introduction to the Final Interview
So we couldn't find Mister Jerusalem for a while and we're pretty sure that he planned it that way, but we're also not all that sure because no one can tell if his erratic behaviour is a consequence of his lifestyle or if he takes advantage of his reputation to avoid doing things that he doesn't want to do.
Anyway, things got bad and we lost some interns finding out that he has an even meaner cat than usual following him and by lost I mean that all we found was a pile of half melted bones that we kinda sorta were able to identify from their dental records. There's like an eighty percent chance it's them, and if not then we don't know where they are so if you find any of our interns alive, please return them to us even though they're spayed and have had all their shots which makes keeping them sound like a really good, cost effective thing to do. Except that it's kind of ethically not great. That's the kind of thing MAXIM does and you know you do not want to end up like them.
Okay right so we found Mister Jerusalem a couple days ago and managed to get close enough to sedate him and bring him back to the studio with a relative minimum of damage. We had three more interviews completed, but that stupid mean cat that looks like it's cosplaying someone from TNG destroyed two of the tapes and our board of directors decided that the human cost of finding and retrieving Mister Jerusalem again was too high, so we settled for publishing the last remaining one, which was with Poison Ivy who is usually named Doctor Pamela Isley but the notes that my executive assistant gave me say that she is called Lady Pamela Babbage, so I kinda hope we figure out what that's all about.
Mister Jerusalem is pretty sure at this point that I caused the whole thing by winning a lot of money on a TV show, but most people who have not snorted the entire yearly GDP of Columbia in cocaine seem to think that Poison Ivy had a lot more to do with it. Here's what she said in interview to The Word's Spider Jerusalem:
SPIDER: [Over his shoulder to the producer] This is the last one, right? If I disappear after this one I won't have the Bolivian army knocking on my front door, right? Because you know if they show up again I'm going to fashion primitive weapons out of their bones, organs, and tanned hides to wage war on your person.
[Unintelligible response from off camera]
SPIDER: Yes, yes it was in fact the Bolivian army. The squad leader was wearing Che Guevara's face for a mask. It was remarkably well preserved and is now framed above my toilet.
[Ivy clears her throat.]
SPIDER: Look just sit there and wait a minute. Don't give me that look like it's some kind of favor that you're doing us by showing up here to answer questions. You're desperate to claim responsibility for this. I've interviewed dozens like you before, so just hold tight.
[Spider engages in a muffled conversation with the producer for a few seconds before turning back around with a small white baggy in his hand. He licks his index finger and dips it into the bag, rubbing the contents against his gums.]
SPIDER: OKAY. Let's- uh- get this under way. We should probably start with who you actually are, because there seems to be some kind of confusion about that.
[Looks down at his notes.]
It seems like questions about your skin colour, as to whether it ought to be green or for lack of a better word, "white" was a trending topic on twitter a few weeks ago. Really? Seriously?
[Turns in his chair and bellows at the producer.]
You really expect me to ask questions based on twitter trends? It's cocaine in this bag, you living shits, not stupid powder. Fine, whatever.
IVY: I'm a composite.
[Interlaces her fingers.]
Because of the quantum event that occurred- the collision of a pair of highly charged quantum probability waves- I became a kind of overlay of two of my quantum states.
SPIDER: Could you, i don't know, try that again in a way that doesn't sound like that ridiculous green kid?
IVY: When the two portals opened up at the same time, punching a hole between worlds that were never meant to interact I became a composite of the versions of myself that normally exist separately.
SPIDER: So you're both Pamela Isley and Lady Pamela Babbage.
IVY: Correct.
SPIDER: How exactly did you come to be in control of the Zamaron pods?
IVY: After I arrived through the breach and determined that I had no interest in remaining here, I prevailed upon Misty to transport me back. Her abilities being what they are, the closest she could bring us was to Brainiac 5's lab where he stores a bottled version of my world.
SPIDER: You mean where he was sending people during the Phantom incident?
IVY: I believe so. Once I had him properly sedated, my attention quickly turned to the marvelous toys he keeps there, which was when instinct kicked in.
SPIDER: What instinct?
IVY: To find Harley, kill Batman, and take everything over.
SPIDER: And how did that go for you?
IVY: Phenomenally. I am not going to pretend that I do not understand the vicissitudes of history. I accomplished in a relatively short time something that an entire cavalcade of self identified arch villains have spent years failing at. I have no doubt that this accomplishment will be minimized as much as possible by my opponents and rivals. However, while they criticize and find fault in public, I assure you that in private they will be scrambling to duplicate my success. Mark my words, you will see the methods and means of my campaign repeated by pale imitators.
SPIDER: How exactly did you turn several men into women?
IVY: It was quite simple, once I had that lovely technology at my disposal. I simply grafted a gene found in Durlan DNA onto their Y chromosomes that enables the transformation from male to female and synthesized the protein chain necessary to activate it.
SPIDER: What about the second Zamaron Pod?
IVY: What about it? It's in my basement.
SPIDER: In your basement?
IVY: Yes, of course in my basement.
SPIDER: Oh. No one has thought to look there?
IVY: Not that I've noticed.
[Spider shuffles his notes again, flinging a few of them over his shoulder.]
SPIDER: Hartley Rathaway seems to be an odd choice for a target, what was that all about?
IVY: I needed a working implementation of the technology that allows him to manipulate people sonically, so I had Harley abduct him. Without him, I never could have effectively stunned my targets with the jukebox. I had hoped that he would fall under scrutiny for my crimes, but you simply cannot have everything.
SPIDER: What was Megan Gwynn's role?
IVY: Megan Gwynn. She's a curious case, but there's hardly anything worth mentioning. She contacted me saying that she had found a way to resolve my differences with Loki. Well aware that I could not prevail against a god deploying metahuman zombies against me, I did the intelligent thing and heard her out. She presented me with the script for a musical, which was just as effective as it was eccentric.
SPIDER: That's it?
IVY: Of course that's it. What possible motive could I have for covering up the misdeeds of Megan Gwynn?
SPIDER: That's a valid point, I suppose. How were you able to retrieve Hellboy's Red Lantern ring?
IVY: That wasn't a Red Lantern ring. Someone ate that, if I recall correctly. I gave him a useless trinket meant to make him question himself and throw him off my trail. I would imagine that it's temporary abilities were a product of Loki's mischief.
SPIDER: Is the wall moving behind you, because it looks like it's moving.
IVY: I'm certain it's quite stationary.
[ALEJANDRO by LADY GAGA can be heard in the background]
SPIDER: I must apologize for my digression, Ms. Isley. Is there anything else that you would like the record to reflect?
IVY: Thank you for asking. Yes, there is the small matter of the future. My vision of the Nexus will come to pass, and I will brook no opposition. Luthor has refused to come out of hiding since I laid waste to his precious office. He is being usurped by a petty thug. My advice to those concerned for their future is to pledge their loyalty to me.
[The music stops.]
SPIDER: When the ******** is she going to get here?
[Spider stares at the empty chair across from him for several minutes before getting up out of exasperation.]
SPIDER: ******** you all! Even a goddamn orangutan could schedule an interview correctly.
[Spider throws his notes up in the air and storms off.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[Gothic_Lolita]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/7c/78/57bbd0c526787c_flip.png?t=1288631043_6.00_00)
