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 Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 10:54 am
Riker kept his arms around Cassidy, holding him up, holding him close, even as Cassidy’s words settled into him. They were reassuring. Kind. It made it harder to look away from him, even when he was pretty sure the ache in his throat got worse from trying not to cry or say something that sounded stupid.
“I know you’re not asking me to choose,” he said softly after clearing his throat. “I just wanted you to know how it feels sometimes. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to dump it all on you.” He let out an embarrassed breath through his nose, like he was steeling himself for whatever happened next.
“Um… I’m really bad at knowing what’s okay to say. Or, uh… how to say it,” he tried to explain, a preface before continuing with what would likely be considered awkward and embarrassing.
“I like you, Cassidy. I mean, I like you a lot. You’re smart, and funny, and-- I mean, you know you have amazing legs. And your eyes,” he said, a bit breathless. “You make things feel… less overwhelming. Like, I can just be here and you’ll take care of everything else for a while. Ah, it’s stupid, but… sometimes I don’t even know how tired I am until I’m with you. Like I finally get to stop trying so hard.”
He paused, as though to make sure Cassidy didn’t want a chance to tell him he was being ridiculous. But his thoughts were already drifting. To how Cassidy still had his arms and legs wrapped around him, warm and soft and impossibly close. He wasn’t sure he could trust himself with those thoughts.
“Um… I’m not tired yet. I can definitely keep holding you forever,” he fibbed, because while he could carry him longer, he was unfortunately only human.
“But there’s only one place I can think to put you down. Uh-- but I swear I wasn’t trying to-- like, I wasn’t thinking that. I mean. Not on purpose,” he stammered, grimacing at his own awkwardness. A flush was moving from his ears and cheeks to his neck now. Wonderful. He could feel the heat. But he refused to look away from Cassidy’s face now that he was looking up at him.
“I just don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want you to think I’m only here because I don’t know what I want. I do want you. And I’m really glad you want me, too,” he promised, shifting a bit awkwardly from one foot to the next as his heart hammered away in his chest.
“Um… maybe I’ll just text Julian tonight. He’ll understand. I don’t want to be clingy. But I think he’d be happy knowing I’m okay,” he said, giving Cassidy another gentle squeeze. “I’m okay when I’m with you.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 10:55 am
“He’ll understand,” Cassidy agreed, and for all the things Riker said that he could tease him about, Cassidy showed remarkable restraint and just kissed atop his head again.
“You’re okay when you’re with me,” he repeated, in staunch agreement. “You won’t mess anything up. I don’t care if you don’t know what you want, as long as it’s me. And if you want other things too,” he shrugged, “Well, every time you come over, I make you try a new recipe. Life’s kind of like that, too. Just don’t leave me behind. I’m very clingy,” he said, and gave him another squeeze to emphasize it.
Cassidy hated being alone more than anything. He was greedy, for time and attention, but not so much that he expected Riker to sacrifice for him.
He’d take what he could get and he’d be happy about it. He’d always want more, even if he couldn’t say it.
“I like you a lot, too. A lot a lot. I am smart and funny and I do have good legs and yes, and I’m very pretty and charming but I’ll forgive you for leaving those out. But you’re strong, and brave, and a little silly but in a way that makes my heart flutter. And you’re fun, and protective. Very handsome. You’re selfless–or self-sacrificing? But I don’t want to glorify that, I actually wish you’d be a little more selfish and take more time for yourself and what you need. But we’ll work on that. Especially because you’re here, so I can take care of you for a while. You can let down whatever walls you put up for everyone else, you don’t need them here. And if you’re tired, we’ll go lay down! I’ll handfeed you, put on a movie. I’ll hold you. You can put your head on my chest, or I can put my head on yours. It’ll be nice. I’ll take care of you.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 10:55 am
“I won’t leave you behind,” he said softly, but there was a certainty in his eyes. “Even if I get scared, or don’t always know what I’m doing. You matter too much to me.”
He’d already almost screwed everything up. He was trying not to let Cassidy’s time at the hospital haunt him, but regret felt like a knife driven deep into his heart that hadn’t been pulled free. And if it was, wouldn’t he just bleed to death? He held Cassidy tighter. Let the steadiness of his heartbeat ground him. Soothe him.
“I think… maybe I spent too long believing that being selfish was wrong. Like, if I ever took up too much space or wanted too much, someone else would have to suffer for it,” he tried to explain, still looking up at Cassidy with awe in his expression. “But you make it feel like it’s okay to want things. To stay. To… let myself be happy.”
He knew it wasn’t fair to think that of just Cassidy, but there were differences when it came to Evan and Julian and Dawn and his other friends. They all allowed him to be himself in different ways, and he was still figuring things out. But Cassidy made him feel safe in a way he hadn’t expected. And he didn’t want to lose that.
“I want to get better at this. At letting you take care of me,” he said, his voice quieter now. “And maybe I could try to be more selfish, too.”
Like now.
He leaned forward to kiss Cassidy’s jaw, and then found his way to his lips.
The guilt of not telling Cassidy everything was still heavy in his mind, but if he was allowed to be selfish… maybe he could keep his secret a little longer.
Fin!
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