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 Posted: Wed May 11, 2022 7:08 pm
“Oh. I suppose that makes sense. There’s a lot of things you have to take into consideration just to get help, isn’t there?”
Hide being a Knight to a population that didn't know you exist, or knew you existed and wanted you dead. Hide a soldier’s burden to a civilian population that couldn’t imagine being in that situation in the first place. Hide what you thought made you feel weak because you didn’t want to let anyone down.
“I never thought it was easier to deal with anything alone. It’s a pain in the a**. And it’s hard. We weren’t ever,” he searched for the words, “Emotionally available on Alastor. You know, because they’re ‘weak’ and all. But I never subscribed to that. Percy was very emotional. I thought it was charming. And I felt better when I had him around. He made me more comfortable with being myself. I kept secrets. I kept a lot of them. I didn’t do it because it was easier for me, I did it because it was easier on him. On everyone else. But I was always piling on more work for me. And then–when it reached a breaking point.”
Another pause; the necklace had settled, and it seemed like his breaks were more because he needed to figure out how to articulate the thoughts than because he regretted saying anything at all. “Well, then it was harder to talk about it, because you have to give context for everything that led up to that point so you’re not talking to someone who thinks you’ve absolutely lost it over some minor inconvenience. And then it feels like more work than it’s worth, because you know you can’t just drop all of that on someone all at once and get to what’s bothering you today.”
He moved his hand from Michael’s shoulder, but when he put his arm back down, his elbow was still right next to Michael’s arm.
“It’s just an echo chamber in your own head. You only hear the same things over and over again. So you learn to live with them, but you don’t ever learn to move past them. Not really much room to heal, either. It’s like you’ve stopped the bleeding but that’s it. It’s not getting worse but it’s not getting better, either. And you can’t look at an injury like that and see how deep it’s cut, it’s just there. Inside of you. They don’t have x-rays for that type of hurt, do they? I don’t know if it would make a difference to see how bad it is if they haven’t figured out a way to fix it. But. Well, I’m not a professional, I only know from my own experience. It’s a heavy burden to carry by yourself. So if you ever want help carrying it, I’m strong. And I’m not going anywhere. I can’t promise to understand, but I can promise to try. Maybe if you talk things out, you’ll find some sense in them. Or maybe they won’t feel so heavy once you get them out.”
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2022 7:18 pm
Michael stayed silent as he listened to Devyn talk, to his assessment of things, his opinions and suggestions. His experiences.
“No, they don’t have x-rays that can see that kind of hurt,” Michael verified, the corner of his lip twitching into a small smile. “You’re pretty perceptive. I guess you’d have to be after everything you’ve lived through, yourself. Maybe you should look into being a therapist.” He was only partially teasing.
He knew Devyn was right, but stubbornly he didn’t want to try to change. It was safer not to shake things up. Easier to keep himself from being hurt later.
There were things he could say, but he was also still worried about saying too much. And he wanted to be there for Devyn too. He deserved that after being alone for… who knew how long.
So instead, he gently nudged his elbow against Devyn’s arm. “You’ll end up carrying the whole world if we let you, I think. Maybe we can split some of the burden. If you’ve got anything you need to get out, I hope you can count on me. Because Devyn?”
He paused and chewed on his cheek again as he looked at him. “I’m counting on you. I don’t want to put too much on you, but… I do feel better when you’re around.”
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2022 7:56 pm
Devyn glanced at their touching elbows after Michael nudged him and another smile settled on his features. Relaxed. Comfortable. Relieved.
For a brief second, his mind seemed somewhere else, but the smile reached his eyes by the time he looked to meet Michael’s gaze.
“I feel better when you’re around, too. So it’s mutually beneficial for us to look after each other, I think. I don’t know if you can put too much on me, though. I would try to carry the world if someone let me. I tried for my world. Almost had it. I got pretty close, before things fell apart. But I was alone back then. Now I’ve got you, and you’re pretty strong. And if it’s not presumptuous of me, I feel like I could count on you for anything. You owe me no obligation, and yet you haven’t said no to anything I’ve asked for. And you always make an effort to accommodate me, or to explain things. You never had to let me stay with you, you don’t have to keep feeding me, or make sure I fit in. But you do. I don’t want to be a burden. I think about that a lot, if we’re being honest. I’m not usually the one who needs help. But you don’t make me feel bad about it. And I want to repay you, but it’s not just out of obligation.”
He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and let his brows wrinkle just a bit as he tried to shake out thoughts and feelings.
“It’s because I want you to know that you can count on me. I’m not here to just drain. Not you, not your time, not your resources. I want to be a good…well, not investment. I don’t know the words for it, I don’t think. Or if I do, they just sound silly when I try to put them together into one collective thought. I’m a prideful person. I hate not being strong enough. I hate having to ask for help. But I can’t help but notice, you haven’t made me ask for anything. You’ve offered. Everything. And the only things you’ve asked in return are things that benefit me. Caution, awareness, secrecy. They’re the same things you do to keep yourself and those around you safe. So, really, you’re just asking me to look after myself.”
He was tapping his finger on the ground behind them while he spoke, and it seemed to keep him focused.
“You’re already helping me carry my burden. When I need to get something out, I worry you’re going to need a lot of context. But, I won’t let that chase me away from the idea if you’re willing to sit through it. And I suppose, if I’m more honest about everything now, maybe it won’t be a tidal wave coming out when I do need to talk about something. So, I’ll make that commitment. I trust you. Enough that it doesn’t even seem daunting to talk to you about any of it.”
Most of it. There was a small portion of things that he kept tucked away because he didn’t know how to talk about it. Things he couldn’t handle, in any capacity. Things he didn’t want to accept about himself and didn’t want to ask anyone else to have to.
“The point is, I don’t think you could ever put too much on me. So I hope you keep me around, because I like being here with you. I want to be worth keeping around.”
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2022 8:06 pm
Once again, Michael couldn’t help but think of how perceptive Devyn was about… everything. It was… a relief, really. He didn’t feel as though he needed to explain himself multiple times, or remind Devyn of things to the point where they got frustrated with each other. And if Michael did have concerns, such as Devyn’s injuries and him being honest about them, Devyn took what Michael said to heart and adjusted.
It made things easy. Or at least easier. The tension wasn’t there, nor was the worry that maybe he was missing something important.
He didn’t feel as though he was doing more than what he would usually do, but it was clear that Devyn was grateful. Michael was grateful, too. And he was trying to be more open about things.
The only thing that maybe startled Michael a little was Devyn’s comment about wanting to be worth keeping around.
“You’re joking, right?” Michael had to turn more fully -- almost regretted it because for a moment he’d forgotten about his injury. He looked a little distressed, but only because it was the opposite of what he’d been thinking this whole time.
“Of course you’re worth keeping around. I’ve been afraid of… I don’t know. Scaring you off. Although,” he paused with just a small frown. “I guess if I didn’t have Percy’s starseed, or if I wasn’t Sessrumnir, you would probably want to be closer to them once you found them.”
It was sobering to think about -- that his primary value might just be his starseed. But he would take the friendship Devyn offered for as long as he could.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 5:27 am
Devyn tilted his head just slightly and seemed to be thinking deeply about this.
Of course, the necklace might have skipped a bit when Michael said he was worth keeping around, but Devyn’s expression didn’t change enough for it to be readable. He hadn’t been joking, but now he had to wonder what Michael could have done to scare him off.
He was, most certainly, his favorite person on this entire planet. Devyn didn’t scare easily, and even if he did he couldn’t imagine why he should be scared off by Michael.
But, if he hadn’t had Percy’s starseed…If he hadn’t been Sessrumnir...
“Huh. I hadn’t really thought about that. I suppose, yes. Looking after Sessrumnir was on my list of things to do.”
And yet, the idea of being further away from Michael seemed to displease him somewhat. “But if we’re talking hypotheticals, there’s a lot of other things that could have complicated that. Sessrumnir could be unawakened, still. Or whoever had Percy’s starseed might hate me. Maybe they wouldn’t even want me around.”
The necklace gave him away again; the idea seemed to distress him. “I can’t begin to describe how incredibly lucky I am that I found you. Well. Actually, technically, you found me. Which is, actually,” he seemed to only just now be thinking about it. “Improbably lucky. Unfathomably so. Out of all the places I could have been. All the places you could have been. We ended up at the same one, at the same time. If I’d been five minutes earlier or you five minutes later, we might not have crossed paths. I don’t remember what made me choose there. I just followed my feet. What were you doing there the morning we met?”
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 10:31 am
“Getting coffee with Peter,” Michael said simply enough. There hadn’t been much thought into being at that cafe. The only significance was that Devyn ended up being there too, and he happened to be Alastor at the time, and Michael could somehow still feel auras even when he wasn’t Sessrumnir.
He knew how unlikely it was that they would have crossed paths like they did. Somehow they managed to stop Devyn from being found by the Negaverse, or maybe he would have been found by another Senshi or Knight who would have done something to get Devyn killed because they didn’t give him enough warning about things.
Michael knew he should just drop the conversation, because he knew he would only prove himself right and be miserable for it, but he drew in a breath and continued.
“Talking hypotheticals… Let’s say you did find someone else who had Percy’s starseed. Maybe they were also Sessrumnir. And let’s say they were excited to meet you and wanted you around…”
Ah, maybe he should have just kept his concerns to himself. He sounded very needy when he said it like that.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 11:04 am
“Oh,” his brows narrowed a bit and he picked a spot across the room to interrogate with his eyes. “Well, I suppose I’d meet them. And I’d be around. And…”
His lips pressed together as he mulled over the possibilities, but it seemed after a few seconds he might have come up with an answer.
Except, his face didn’t completely relax and even though he hid it well it looked like there might have been a bit of concern hiding in the shadows of his face. He turned to Michael, “I don’t know. I can’t imagine it. I wish I could give you an answer, but when I try to imagine anyone else, it’s just you.” He exhaled, and then his lips pursed together and it seemed like he really couldn’t make up his mind.
“I suppose I’d ask if you could help me look after them? I’m having a hard time imagining doing anything here without you, Michael. I’m sorry, that’s probably not a very good answer. I’m glad you’re the one with his starseed, though. I like you a lot, so it’s made all of this easier. I don’t know what I’d have done if I found whoever had his starseed and they hated me. Or didn’t want me around. I feel comfortable around you, I don’t know that I’d have had that with anyone else. Or maybe that sounds silly? I don’t know. I didn’t really think about it before. People here are so much different than the ones I knew back home, but it’s just because your normal is so different here. I don’t know if I could talk to someone else the way I can talk to you. You understand me. Ah,” a faintly dramatic sigh, “I’m trying, Michael. I can still only imagine you when I try to think about it being anyone else.”
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 5:42 pm
Maybe it was cruel of him to suggest someone else being Sessrumnir, or someone else having Percy’s starseed. For the short amount of time they knew each other before Christmas, Devyn had been just as enjoyable to be around as he was now. And that was before he knew where Percy’s starseed was.
It was sweet that Devyn could only think of him, just as it was that he would ask Michael to look after whoever else it might have been.
A small smile tugged at his lips, although maybe it was a little sad. Hypothetically, if Michael hadn’t been Sessrumnir… if he hadn’t had Percy’s starseed, the thought still pulled at his mind…
Where would he have been in all of this? Not going to Wonders and soaking in hot springs, for one. Maybe Devyn might not have been comfortable around him. Or maybe Michael would still be his friend and watch from a distance as Devyn got to know the person who inherited Percy’s starseed.
But that wasn’t the case. He was Sessrumnir. He had Percy’s starseed. And if that was where his worth to Devyn lied, then maybe that was okay. Maybe it would take something he couldn’t control to be the reason why someone was so kind and compassionate and honest with him.
“I know. Thank you, Devyn. I’m sorry I asked,” he said after a few moments. He was glad Devyn didn’t have an orb like Michael had for him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to share the quickened pace of his heart.
“You’ve been very kind to me. I know I shouldn’t expect anything less than that.”
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 5:55 pm
Once more, Devyn tilted his head. “You’re sorry for that? It was just a question.” Not even a personal one. Had there been any harm in it? He smiled for good measure, to make sure Michael knew he was sincere in such assurances. “You deserve kindness, you won’t get less than that from me.”
Maybe one day Michael would come to expect kindness from everyone, but Devyn was really starting to think that he just wasn’t used to it. It was a shame; Michael was kind. Considerate. Careful, but responsibly so. He was a good friend, Devyn couldn’t understand why anyone would pass him up for the position.
So, he patted his arm reassuringly.
“Well, there might be a bit of nagging, too. Make sure you eat something soon. I don’t know what it is about this water, but it always makes me hungry. So snack early so it doesn’t hit you all at once. The heat can make it easy to get a bit lightheaded. Sort of lulls you to sleep, too. You didn’t have any nightmares last night, did you? Were you able to sleep well?”
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 6:05 pm
The comment about nagging made Michael laugh -- and regret. He was still sore, even though he could feel the pain dulled from what it was before. Hopefully that meant the water was working.
“Alright, alright. I’ll snack. If you wouldn’t mind reaching it for me,” he sighed and glanced over at the towels and snacks Devyn put within reach, but that would also mean Michael had to twist a little more than he probably should.
As for the nightmares he was often plagued by…
Michael frowned as he thought about it. Had he had any nightmares last night?
“No, I don’t think I had any nightmares. None that I can recall.” Maybe it was because he’d been in pain and couldn’t sleep, but he felt rested enough. Devyn did a good job making sure he didn’t hurt himself. Then why didn’t he have any nightmares when he usually did after injuries and people he cared about getting hurt? Surely it hadn’t been because Devyn was in the same room.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 6:16 pm
Devyn almost laughed with Michael, but an amused–albeit guilty–expression crossed his face when he caught the flicker of pain Michael incurred from that laugh. “Sorry,” he said, but the smile lingered on his face as he adjusted positions so he could pick through their selection. Though they had sandwiches packed, he thought it better to start with the fruit salad.
That he’d made all by himself.
Which was a silly thing to be proud of, considering it was fruit he’d thrown in a glass container to go. He’d cut up a few different fruits into smaller pieces and tossed in a few different types of berries. Michael’s ability to stock his fridge with a variety of snackable things was more impressive than Devyn’s ability to use a knife or package them up to go.
He peeled off the lid and settled back into the water next to Michael before presenting the snack. He’d brought with him a water bottle of ice water, just to make sure Michael didn’t get thirsty and wind up tempted by all the water around them.
“No nightmares is good. We’ll hope for the same tonight. But if you do have any, wake me up. We don’t even have to talk about them if you don’t want to. We can play a round of cards or something. Make a midnight snack.”
Or maybe he’d just try to find an excuse to fall asleep in Michael’s bed again tonight and see if that helped.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 6:27 pm
Michael had already given Devyn permission to anything in his house. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t just replace if it was broken by accident, or if something was used up. He wanted to give Devyn a chance to learn about things on Earth at his own pace, and with enough freedom to learn about the things he liked or didn’t like, without Michael hovering over his shoulder.
Of course, if Devyn seemed like he wanted, or didn’t mind, Michael being there to look over his shoulder, then Michael was happy to help.
He was surprised that Devyn took the time to put together such a variety of the fruits he’d had in the refrigerator, and he reached over to take some of the berries.
“This must have taken you some time. Thank you. I was going to try and get them cut up, but…” Well, they were there today and not at home thanks to their injuries.
But he did smile at the suggestion to wake him up. “Alright. If I do have any nightmares, I’ll wake you up. Same with you, if you can’t sleep.” After all, that was the promise they’d made.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 6:41 pm
“Not too much time,” Devyn promised. “I figured I should bring a few different things, so it was fast enough. I can grab you a sandwich if it’s not filling enough. I try not to eat anything too heavy when I’ve got stitches. You know, you laugh, you sneeze, you throw up–” he shook his head disagreeably.
“But you’ve been doing a good job, I didn’t want to tempt you with further hardships but giving you too much heavy food so early in the day.”
Although, he moved to get a sandwich for himself after he spoke, and then sank back against the wall of the pool with a contented sigh.
It wasn’t just the food, or the Springs, or being on Sessrumnir; it was the general ease that came with talking to Michael. He felt comfortable here, and maybe a bit proud because he could see that Michael didn’t talk about himself much. Or, at least, the things that bothered him. But, they’d talked today. And Michael promised to wake him up if he had any nightmares.
He didn’t know why that made him so happy. Maybe he just liked knowing that Michael trusted him.
Somewhere between the comfort of a good sandwich, or the warm water, or just having Michael next to him, his thoughts wandered from his head to his mouth.
“Let me sleep in your bed again tonight? Just in case. We’ll see how much you heal up today, but I don’t want to put any unnecessary strain on you to get up in the middle of the night to come find me. And, if we’re being honest, I haven’t slept as well as I did last night in a long time.”
And he was taking it easy too, right? All these bruises. He was going to have to relax, what if he had a nightmare in his room? He’d have to drag himself up to Michael, and he knew he’d be sore making that whole trip from his room, all the way across the house to Michael’s.
They should just make it easy on themselves. For tonight, at least. And maybe tomorrow.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 6:55 pm
Michael wasn’t used to being fussed over. It was… sweet. Endearing. He enjoyed listening to Devyn talk. About anything and everything. He said things in a way that made it easy to follow along, even if he was just talking to talk.
“You have a nice voice,” Michael said before he could stop himself. Had he told Devyn that before? Maybe. Maybe he just thought it.
But he cleared his throat before putting another piece of fruit in his mouth to slowly chew, thinking about Devyn’s question.
Just in case he said. Michael knew he would likely be more comfortable with Devyn so close. Maybe because it was nice to be so close to someone else. Someone he trusted, despite how little time they’d known each other.
And Devyn admitted he hadn’t slept as well as he did last night in a long time.
“Okay,” he agreed, because of course he wanted Devyn to be comfortable. And he didn’t have to be the one asking Devyn to stay with him. Maybe Devyn was what chased away the nightmares, or maybe it was just coincidence. But he could honestly say he was comfortable with Devyn.
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2022 7:13 pm
Once more, Devyn seemed pleased with simple praise. He’d already thought that Michael had a nice voice; he recited poetry in a way that made it feel like it flowed off the page, and he’d figured his students must be lucky to have such a charismatic teacher. It was easy to focus when you could enjoy listening.
Oh, or it was easy to get distracted. Either way, Devyn was happy to listen to Michael.
“Well, if you like that you should hear me sing. Maybe a lullaby before bed, then. I might remember a few.”
He smiled, in that way that he did when he was teasing but also probably meant what he was saying.
But, he was happy. He was in a good mood. He was relaxed and relieved and looking forward to tonight as much as he was looking forward to giving Princess a good squeeze and finishing off all these snacks.
Or, honestly. Maybe he was looking forward to tonight just a little more than everything else.
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