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 Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2019 7:51 pm
He looked at him and wondered if Fettelite took orders because it absolved him of responsibility and left him to simply out the burden if thinking up tactics and decisions to anyone else. The man was new to him and because if that, he couldn't take his personality and words at face value alone.
Still, there was something unsettling about the complete abandonment of his self. In most cases, he would be a great soldier, but if he was left without direction without a puppeteer, then he would be worthless. Wolframite felt a sick understanding for the general who was using him. There was something in seeing someone so easy to use and take from and yet in the same light the half-youma felt like it would be sick and boring how easy it would be. He liked struggles too much.
But he knew that he could press too hard and take and Fettelite might not ever challenge him.
What a miserable man.
"You are like a caged bird that likes the bars." He said out loud.
"Is there even a raw desire to fight for yourself or your life in you? Or is survival to the barest minimum the best you will claw for?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2019 8:04 pm
A caged bird....
Was he really? He always saw himself more like the beaten doll of someone who was unkind to their toys. He belonged to whoever claimed him, obediently serving them because that was his purpose.
Deep, deep down there was a desire to be free, but with that came the knowledge that it just wasn’t possible. The closest thing he had to happiness was with Nataniel holding his reigns, even if that control was shadowed by his general’s own hand against his throat.
“... I don’t deserve to fight for what I want.” Fettel finally said after a long moment. “My brother and sister were traitors... I am here because I am paying for their crimes. It is what I was told when I was brought in, and what my general continues to tell me. If I’m surviving, it’s more than I deserve... Even thinking about being happy feels like something I shouldn’t be doing.”
Again, Nat came to his mind, and he smiled faintly, a tiny smile, as if he would face punishment if ever caught wanting to taste that freedom that would come with being Nat and Nat’s alone.
“Maybe one day I’ll make up for what they did... For what they stole and how they rebelled. And... And you know, maybe if I see my other siblings one day, and they join us here in the Negaverse, I can protect them using what little I have. If I have to be caged so that they can be free... Well, I think I’m okay with that. Like I said, I don’t deserve anything more.”
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Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2019 8:38 pm
He stared back.
"You do not owe anything for the wrongs of someone else. If they aren't here then their punishme t doesn't get transferred. That's not how this family works." He rose up now and turned to Fettelite.
"Your general is the shittiest example of what this organizarion stands for. They are a manipulative piece of human garbage stroking their c**k with a inflated power trip and using whatever tactic they can to keep you down where they can step upon you to feel bigger. The vomit this person says shouldn't be what you just easily take as truth. It isn't. If anyone with a right mind knee what was happening, they would be beaten for it. We used to throw bastards like that out of castle windows on the regular. If you just take orders then, then here is one for you."
He leaned in. "Listen to your general, but don't take in the poison. Let's it wash off you. The more you drink that in, the more you won't have anything left for Nat to care about."
"I know what voice that says you shouldn't even dream of wanting to be happy after what happened in the past, but mi e was MY mistakes. You want to feel like that, feel like that for your own life and not for others. Whoever said you got recruited based on a debt is a liar. They tricked you."
"If you want to protect you need to want to live for them. If you want to protect, you need to be strong. Not just physically. But in here too." And he pointed in the man's chest. "People who can't love themselves will always have it hard to love others."
"He moved closer still and pointed that claw to his forehead. "What is the strongest animal you can think of? One you admire and love?" He asked.
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 5:57 am
"It's not...?" If that was the case, then why was he suffering like this? No. he shouldn't say that. This wasn't suffering, this was simply a contract that he found himself bound to. And he knew he couldn't say this wasn't what he wanted. He made that decision, joined the Negaverse, and made the arrangement with the General...
And yet he couldn't say anything against what Wolframite was saying. Everything said about the general was true, and even then, Fettel couldn't find himself imagining a way of escaping.
At some point, tears started to form in his eyes from the pressure of it all, and he pressed his hands against them to try to stop them. Tears only lead to scoldings, to more beatings... To more pain.
"It's... It's stupid, isn't it?" He finally spoke up, doing his best to keep his voice from cracking and forcing a smile as he finally looked back up to the man before him. "It doesn't make sense... And yet I'm here... The whole thing is... Is stupid... But I guess that just makes me really stupid for falling for those things... May always said I wasn't fit for making my own decisions.. She was right.. She always was right..."
She had been right about the only good thing about him was his body, and that no one really cared about what happened to him. For two whole years it felt like that was true... No matter how badly he didn't want it to be, it still felt like he was a living 'inconvenience' in someone's life. Even with Nat, he felt like he was on eggshells, one wrong step would land him in the street, alone...
For a long while he remained quiet, avoiding Wolframite's gaze by keeping his hands pressed to his eyes. And he thought long and hard about the animal he thought was strongest.
"... A grizzly bear." Fettel finally spoke up, looking at the Captain, curiosity quickly replacing his self doubt. "... Why?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 6:16 am
He wasn't good at comforting people, but sometimes people needed to break to move forward. Hearing Fettelite express distaste for his situation then just open acceptance was at least movement.
Kneeling down to make himself look up into Fettelite's face and make himself look smaller, he frowned in turn.
"Hey. We are all stupid. We can't be expected to know the answers for everything or know at the time what the right decisions are. We make due with what we got and hope we don't regret it later. I've made many horrible mistakes in my life. Many I regret. Many I was very stupid for believing. But I can't change what I did before. The only thing I can do is hold myself accountable for those I personally hurt with my actions and learn best I can. Does that mean I won't ******** up again and make a stupid mistake? No. Sometimes it takes a few times to get it right. I'm not perfect either. All I can do is try my best and that's all anyone expects from you."
He did not touch Fettelite, not sure how much if the abuse from his general night make him associate touch with bad things. He wanted to respect his space. So instead he kept his hand from touching his k we like he wanted.
"You are human. You aren't a god. You aren't all knowing. There are people out there who are monsters and grew up perfecting their skills and sharpening their claws on people as they grew. They had plenty of practice twisting people apart to get what they want. It's not your fault that someone took advantage of you. You are not to blame for their shitty actions."
And then he smiled. "And now you have a monster in your corner just as nasty as the rest of them."
Standing again, he pressed his hands to his back and cracked it a bit. "I ask because I am going to refer to you as that. You'll be a grizzly bear whenever I address you. I can just shorten it to Grizzly or Grizz. It's time you start seeing yourself as something stronger than what other people have been saying. If people have been calling you all this trash all this time, then I'm going to call you this over and over until I trump over all their names and words until it's the only thing in that head of yours"
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 6:47 am
Fettelite wasn't sure at all what to say. It was strange to think about; for as long as he could remember, no one really told him these things.. It just seemed common sense to believe he was beneath everyone else. Wolframite's words were kind but... It would take more than a single lecture to change Fettelite, and even Fettel new this.
After all, Wolframite was a captain, not his own general, and the trust between them was still growing.
But he appreciated his words nonetheless, and almost laughed at the nickname.
"I don't... I don't think Grizzly Bear suits me at all!" This time he did laugh, trying to hid it behind his hands. "I can just see the look on Nat's face now if you called me that in front of him! Maybe I should choose a different name. Maybe... Uh.. Honey badger? You can call me Honey then! That works alot better."
The thought of an old internet video came to mind, and he laughed a little more. When Wolframite stood up, this time Fettel did too. And quickly put his arms around him for a hug.
Despite the abuse, he was still one who craved that physical affection that came with no expectations. To be able to hug someone without knowing that in the next few minutes he'd be on his back was treasure enough.
"I really, really wanna thank you, Wolframite. Thank you for everything. For Helping me, for helping Nat, for just.. Being really nice to me even though you don't have to, cuz it's not your responsibility to look after me. I know you're not doing this because you really care, since we made a deal and all, but... It still means alot to me that I have someone trying to make me better. I'll do my best not to let you down."
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:02 am
He tensed for a second at the sudden hug but relaxed as he told himself Fettelite was not a treat. One hand went to rest against the man's back and then the other went to set like a cap atop his head.
"Who said I don't care." He said with a more serious edge. "The deal worked in my favor because I hate scum in my nice family. The Negaverse is precious to me and I don't like officers tainting our cause like your general. It just helps that improving it by bringing people with character like Nat in also my goal. We made a deal, yes, but I do care. I care about people in my family and you are part of mine, Honey. This is my home after all."
He patted Fettelite on the head with a smile. "Don't hesitate to call upon me whenever you wish. I will try to come as soon as I am able. You have my number in your phone and know my room number."
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:19 am
"Hmm..." Fettel was again left a little unsure of what to say, only taking that moment to hug Wolframite a little tighter and rub his cheek against the half-youma's.
He cared, and actually said it outloud.. Strange and foreign those words were, but still very much welcomed.
"Okay! I promise I won't overuse that number though! You must have alot on your plate! But I'll do my best to not keep quiet about everything. So... Thank you, one more time." Pulling away, Fettel went to the door, feeling like he was beginning to overstay his welcome in Wolframite's presence. It was nice to have a friend though.
"You should go rest now, okay? I know you must be achy... If it helps, I can bring you something to eat in a little while. That way you can just keep relaxing in your room til you feel better."
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:32 am
He moved to the door and nodded. "If you want. I'll leave my door unlocked then for you."
With one last nod, he waved goodbye and headed down the hallway. A nap sounded great. Fin .
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