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 Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 5:28 pm
The night is yours, Butterfly.
Twisting a strand of wet hair between his fingers, he muddled on that, and everything Sajahka had told him. He tried to anyways, but was having a difficult time of it. This wasn’t the right time for something like this: decisions that were important. He didn’t feel prepared at all to handle them, not with his central core off balance every time a gentle wave merely bumped into him. And he didn’t trust himself, not with Sajah standing so close, with so little clothes on…
He’d gotten himself into enough trouble recently: time to make a responsible choice for the evening. Even if it was a hard one.
“I think…” he began, taking half a step back. “It would be best if we didn’t complicate things anymore than they already are. I know I make mistakes, and I’ll keep making them, especially with you around. But...I don’t want to be the kind of person that people can’t trust. And right now, I’m bound to someone else: I should at least give them the courtesy of cutting that tie before I try slipping away again.”
He rubbed at his arm, blushing. “But like you pointed out; the night is beautiful, and we are here. I think we should still enjoy it, but as friends again. So…” Looking over at the shore, and then back at Sajahka, he proposed rather sheepishly with a small smile, “Let’s do what boys do: want to comb the beach for cool seashells?”
[16/20]
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 6:25 pm
Sajah supposed he knew before he heard it what he was going to get at this point. And in all honesty, he didn’t know what he was hoping for anymore. Leukos had said he wanted something serious, but how could that be true of anything going forward if he carried on with what they were doing? Even though he himself had said it wouldn’t do ‘more’ damage—if this boyfriend was going to find out, he likely wouldn’t be pleased regardless—that didn’t change that in truth, it would still affect whatever they had, which was…
Nothing, at the moment. No, more than that—a tentative and building friendship and complicated history.
If he ever wanted to even begin to entertain the thought of being anything more than a friend to Leu, ever, it wouldn’t put them on good ground to begin this way. Somehow, knowing all that, it did not feel anything less like a punch in the gut for no explainable reason. Perhaps that was just what rejection always felt like, no matter how reasonable.
His throat hurt. He was tired. He was still—physically interested in everything that might have been instants away if either of them were just a little worse at decision making, or better. But nothing was changing, and he could not sit and do nothing. He wanted to sleep and not lie in bed alone. Instead, he rolled his shoulders, and managed a nod.
«Lead the way…I think you already have a head start…»
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 7:06 pm
Feeling that old vein of tipsy playfulness tickle at him again, Leukos puffed his cheeks, having had quite enough of this dour energy. “Wash that sour look off your face; you’re cuter when you’re smiling,” he chided as he reached back, cupping his hand into a deep scoop and splashing a full handful in Sajah’s face. Dancing around the sopping mess he left behind, Leukos grinned, quickly wading closer to shore once again.
Things had taken a turn he hadn’t expected. Nothing about tonight had been expected. But to linger on what might have been instead of what they had now would only make it more painful later. Sajahka had offered to keep it clean between them, despite the obvious temptation Leukos hadn’t even tried to keep from him, and he was grateful for that. Not so many men would have had as much self control.
So he set himself to the task of searching for interesting finds buried in the sand, trying to ignore and move past the tension from earlier. And it grew easier as the minutes rolled by, so long as he focused on seashells and NOT on the continuously naked state they were both still in.
He’d been exposed to shells in the past, but never in this raw quantity. The wealthy simply hadn’t ever placed much value on the disposed outer skeletons of marine life, more intent on harvesting the shining pearls trapped inside. But he could still remember the first time he’d ever seen a large white conch resting on the lacquered shelf of one of those many painted hallways, fascinated by the almost mathematically calculated spiral blossoming from its tip. And in a rare moment of softness for their kind, the Oban noblewoman had taken it down from the shelf and placed it into his small hands, telling him that if he listened closely, you could hear the ocean trapped inside. As he’d brought it to his finned ear, he remembered being shocked silent, as sure enough, there was the hollow hiss and whirl of something beautifully exotic deep inside.
But now, as he stood with arms laden in colorful shells looking out at the roiling sea, he knew he’d been wrong.
It hadn’t come close to capturing the real thing. This was better.
[17/20]
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 7:39 pm
You’re cuter when you’re smiling…
The pinch in Sajah’s gut pulled, and he didn’t want to be frowning—but he wasn’t happy, and it was more difficult for him than Leu to shake the feeling, apparently. Maybe this was all the ‘right’ decision, but he still felt deflated and lead on and defeated. He knew it wasn’t fully fair to be angry with Leu — was it? — for they’d both just been having drinks and fun, he didn’t owe him, he hadn’t done anything to discourage him. But he had been alright. He had been fine. He had been doing what Leukos had wanted and asked before all of tonight: leaving him alone, expecting nothing, not bothering about his boyfriend-
And somehow over the course of the night, all his reserve and calm and concentration had been washed away. You make me so happy and confused and lost… still twirled in pivots through his mind and he didn’t know what to do with himself.
He had been fine.
It was just harder to expect and want nothing when things like that were said between them while thrusting oneself naked into his arms and kissing him-
It all made him feel like a fool.
Leukos was just teasing. He was just having fun. And Sajah should have known better than to let himself be so easily lead in, no matter how sincere the other man’s wants might seem in the moment. He knew the man had other options and if he truly did want commitment, he probably always would be accounted for. He shouldn’t have let himself believe otherwise. He should have done something for his own sake to discourage Leukos sooner. It was still difficult not to be frustrated with Leu for pulling him so effortlessly along.
The splash to the face left him standing where he was for some time, and he let Leu move in first. It would have been so much easier to let everything roll away and collect seashells. He just…didn’t feel like anything. Eventually, though, he did move in, first to their things to push what water he could off his body before pulling into his clothes. Leukos may not feel like dressing, but Sajah felt well enough done with his own nudity, and after, he kept his eyes on the sand, following loosely in Leu’s wake as he made his own search. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was looking for, and he didn’t feel especially focussed on the task. But, the beach was generous enough that still, the occasional shape would catch his eye, and though he didn’t pull away with quite so many as Leu, he was rather pleased with his small collection—for all that it still felt like a pitiful consolation prize and he wanted a bed.
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:48 pm
Closing his eyes as he listened to the sound of the ocean, it began to change from relaxing ambiance to hollow background noise. A muddled cloud of energy slowly built around him, freezing his toes buried in the sand and forming a lump in his gut. There were no other sounds. His own pulse thudded dully in his ears.
He felt so alone.
Eyes snapping open, Leukos finally felt the chill that he’d been oblivious to all night, dripping wet with nothing to warm his skin. His head whipped to the side, looking down the beach. No one else…
He turned, nerves drawn like a shrill cord along violin strings.
There.
Throat cinched tight, Leukos felt a new wave of relief wash over him as he saw Sajahka picking up a shell. He hadn’t left. It had just been so quiet, the sand dulling his footsteps, that he’d thought…
He didn’t like this.
Feeling foolish in his nakedness, Leukos walked back in the direction they had came from, depositing his collection of finds into a pile as he began the process of getting dressed again. It was easier to get his clothes on, but his mass of wet hair was another thing entirely. It was easiest to just braid it tight and pile it atop his head, out of the way and hopefully dripping cold water down his neck as little as possible. Putting on shoes again felt like a lost cause, so he just opted to go barefoot, brushing off the shells as he dumped them inside his bag. He looped the strap over his shoulder, walking back towards Sajahka.
He never said anything. Ever. So why should Leukos expect anything else?
But right now, this felt more like an active choice: even if Saj had been able to talk, Leu got the distinct feeling that he still wouldn’t.
His inherent silence had never felt so uncomfortable before.
Leukos stopped a good few paces away from him, gripping the strap over his shoulder. He didn’t want to be here anymore.
He wanted to say something. Anything.
“Are…” his voice was quiet, a small thing tossed out into the dark. “...you ready to head back?”
[18/20]
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 8:32 am
Sajahka observed without comment as Leukos finally chose to dress, but immediately after seeing, put his attention elsewhere. Keeping his eyes on Leu had only brought him trouble tonight, and he felt suddenly peevishly against it, for however little to no good it did either of them. Leukos could manage it on his own, though, as was evidenced by his eventual return. Sajahka’s eyes were intent on a shell, observing the granules of sand he brushed from it with his thumb and still not looking up.
Are…you ready to head back?
Sajahka felt a stiff skirt of breath leave him, and mentally cursed his mood. It all felt so unnecessary. If he had just been happy like Leukos had been, if it had all just not mattered at all — and it shouldn’t have — then he could have been laughing off the moment and teasing the man about anything from sea shells to his prior state of dress. Evidently, though, for all that he would rather simply be content and appreciate the night, all the wind of his prior momentum felt knocked from him, and he couldn’t for the life of him seem to just yank it back.
Things would feel better tomorrow, perhaps. But for this moment, all he managed was a nod.
«Sorry…» He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, except perhaps for his inability to rebound so easily as Leukos.
It wasn’t that he wouldn’t have liked to enjoy the shore and the moonlight with the other man even without the promise of some sexual end game. He would have. And if it had been timed any other way, perhaps he would not have even minded to do so as friends. He had been fine with that much yesterday, and all of this evening up until—until the moment it was no longer fine, he supposed, still unclear on when that had felt certain.
But things were what they were, and so it was not easy, and returning simply felt better. He couldn’t foster much want to do anything more than sleep and start fresh. So, he tucked his shells carefully into a pocket, but left his gaze on the sand after as he rolled his shoulders, and then took first steps towards ‘home.’
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:50 am
He didn’t know what he had been expecting. Maybe hearing a puff, or one of Sajah’s trademark grunts, would have given Leukos what he wanted. But, he got none of those. And even when the other man signed, putting something out there for him, it didn’t feel like enough. Or much of anything at all.
“Alright,” he said, joining in beside him as Sajahka began walking off.
The return trip felt longer than hours earlier, every second dragging its feet on the cobblestone behind them. Leukos tried to work up the will to break the silence. But every time he thought he had found something to lighten the mood, the words died on his tongue, mouth clamped shut like a vice. He was honestly relieved to still have the buzz of alcohol flitting about his system; otherwise, he’d be aware of every empty moment. This was better.
And even when they made it back to the inn, down the halls, and into their shared room, the invisible presence was still there, following them. Leukos deposited his sandy bag on the floor, retrieving his other supplies instead. Holding a towel and other items in his arms, he exited again, offering little explanation for the obvious activity he had in mind.
He thought, perhaps, taking a bath might make him feel better. It usually did. But even as he scrubbed the ocean’s reisdue off of himself and emerged clean and fresh, he didn’t. The water had been just as cold and uninviting as returning back to their room: merely a necessity.
Without bothering to knock, he stepped back inside, depositing his used supplies in a pile next to his bed. He didn’t feel like cleaning up after himself. All he managed was to sit on his bed, tucking his knees up to his chest.
He wasn’t even mad at Sajahka. Not in the slightest.
He was disappointed in himself.
Turning his head limply, Leukos looked over to where he could hear the other man moving around. Breathing. Existing . In the same space as him, whether he wanted to be there or not. Life had offered him few other options.
Opening his mouth was like prying bars apart, but he refused to not at least put in the effort. He couldn’t sleep like this.
“Sajah,” he whispered, bunching his toes in the fabric of his bedspread. “If you don’t want to stay here anymore, I understand. None of this is your fault; I’ve been making your life difficult, for entirely selfish reasons.” His chest constricted painfully. “I’m sorry I’m not the person you’d like me to be.”
[19/20]
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:31 am
Sajah’s mind had far too much time to spend in its own space, and he regretted more by the moment not simply devising something to break the mood between them. This wasn’t what he wanted. But he didn’t know what he wanted, and no available option seemed more wise or even preferable. So, he settled with silence. It was at least familiar. He was grateful, in a way, to make it back within doors, and when Leukos bathed, he took the opportunity to strip and clean what sand and salt he could from his hair and body without the benefit of a bath himself. After, he pulled a loose, dry shirt on, and settled to where he would sleep.
Perhaps he intended to.
Instead, he laid where his weight fell, eyes on the wall, ears listening to the splash and fiddle of movement as Leukos bathed. He considered very briefly seeing to himself in other ways while the other man was out of the room and amending at least that itch—but he didn’t feel it in him, so instead it remained a distant, ignorable frustration. His back was still to the rest of the room when Leukos settled on the bed, and perhaps now they, or at least Leukos, would sleep.
He waited for further sound. He shifted on his bedding.
Nothing.
Sajah…
He grunted, an unasked for stutter tickling back into his chest like breathing life on a dying ember, and he probably shouldn’t have moved, but more than any other thought on the mind, he decided he knew in that moment that he did not like that tone of voice on Leukos. If you don’t want to stay here anymore… Sajah scoffed. He pushed upright, to a sit, shooting Leukos a look, and—he was sitting tucked up on the bed with his legs to his chest. Some unspoken tension knocked loose in his shoulders, and by the time Leukos got to his last words, I’m sorry I’m not the person you’d like me to be… Sajah was shaking his head, pushing to a stand — because this simply wasn’t an acceptable place to ‘speak’ from — and moving before Leu. He debated, weighing his words carefully before singing:
«You’re wrong.» His gaze flicked over Leukos, taking the full scene in again before letting out a softer exhale. «If you do not want me here, I will try to find somewhere else to be. But I like it here…and it would not be so ‘difficult’ on me if you were not already exactly the person I like you being. I was happy just to be your friend…but you already know I would want more than that given the opportunity and that I would not be picky about what form it took, it was just…especially difficult to be brought so near to everything I might want before being told that other things are more important to you. I think you have made the right choice tonight, in the end, to be an honest man with the boy you are with. And I enjoy so much more of your company than just your body, it is not being denied that alone which frustrates me…»
Perhaps he shouldn’t have been saying anything at all. Leukos had made his choices clear—hadn’t he? And so it could only be an embarrassment to further lay himself bare. But Sajah found he could not help it. The words were there in his mind, and it could only be better at least to have the truth between them.
«You just…so effortlessly make me into a fool for you. And I feel very foolish tonight. Not because you are not who I would like, but because you are…and I want to be happy near you. As a friend…or as anything else you would let me be, but I am not in the position of decision…so I would appreciate-» His throat tightened, and he breathed. «I would appreciate your best efforts at trying not to make me want you so badly if you do not also want me in return.»
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:37 pm
Leukos was feeling quite despondent in the little hole he'd dug for himself, an almost palpable gloom draped over him like a heavy down blanket. And then, in the quiet, he heard movement, and soon enough Saj was standing in front of him. It was his wish to not have to look at him, instead focusing on his toes, but seeing as Saj clearly had something on his mind and he needed Leukos’ attention in order to ‘say’ anything at all, he was forced to look up. And take it all in, whatever it was that came.
I would appreciate your best efforts…
Not for the first time that night, he felt guilty embarrassment cloud his cheeks. He had been awful. Looking back, it was obvious why Saj was so frustrated with him. Talk about mixed signals.
“I know, I'm sorry,” he said, fingers crimping at the fabric of his pants. “I said I would not lead you on, and then I turned around and did anyways. That wasn't fair, you have every right to scold me for it. I suppose it is just difficult, sometimes , to see the way you look at me, and not want to act on that attention.” He huffed, giving his head a slight toss. “But that is no reason to be a thoughtless tease, and I do not want to make excuses for myself. I will act on my word: you won't have me playing with you like that anymore.”
“If you still want to put up with me and all my stupidity, I am more than happy to let you make that mistake. Because even though things are more jumbled than they've ever been, I still want you around.” He extended his hand, offering the olive branch. “So…can we try to put this behind us, and take tomorrow with a fresh start again?”
[20/20]
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:23 pm
Sajah watched, and listened. And he still wasn’t sure how he felt. On the one hand, he appreciated at least that Leukos seemed to recognize the source of his upset, and seemed genuine in his apology. It wasn’t really, he supposed, that he thought Leukos was trying to make a fool of him, though, so the display of regret only went so far and still managed to inspire conflicting feelings. He didn’t want Leukos playing with him, but there was a niggling in his gut which refused to silence that insisted he still wanted…
Something.
I am more than happy to let you make that mistake… seemed only to emphasize that sense that the ‘wanting’ might only grow without recourse, and he felt frustratingly that he didn’t want to put it all behind them and start ‘fresh.’ But he had been down these mental paths already, and though tonight only exaggerated everything, there was no reason it needed to change everything in a night or destroy what was there already. He had said he would be happy being Leukos’ friend, and if he were truly honest with himself, he didn’t know what more he could possibly want of this moment.
Leukos to declare out of the blue that he had changed his mind definitively, didn’t want his pretty boyfriend, and instead wanted…what? To f—ck again without attachment? To date him instead? Leukos had been strangely insistent last time on being certain Saj knew he didn’t want ‘attachment,’ and now the idea that he was ‘dedicated’ to another so quickly was bizarre.
But it wasn’t Sajah’s business.
It didn’t matter what Leukos had with whoever he was with. That was their business, and Sajah refused to spend too much mental time on someone he didn’t care about. Leukos was here before him, accounted for, and if whatever he had wasn’t satisfying him, he would decide that on his own time by his own terms and decide what to do after that when the time came. For now, nothing else was especially plausible, realistic, or relevant. He was probably getting all he could want for in the moment.
He reached to take Leukos’ hand.
His pulse still beat faster. He had been dancing with this man not that long ago. He might never kiss him again, but he could still see it all play back through his mind.
It would be fine.
There was nothing else he could do, in any case. So, he gave the slightest squeeze of his fingers before letting his hand drop. «I am not certain it will leave me so quickly, but…yes, tomorrow is another day. Goodnight, and sleep well…» He hesitated, eyeing the man another moment before adding: «I did enjoy tonight. It is always a pleasure dancing with you…»
With that, he turned to move back towards his own bedding, and while it was not all perfect as he settled himself, he decided he did feel—better. And very, very tired. Sleep blessedly came upon him quickly after that.
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