|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:13 pm
As soon as Evren got back from the library, at 3 o’clock in the morning, he sent off an email he’d told himself he would never write. When he woke up a few hours later, much to his surprise, there was a response in his inbox. Even more surprising, it asked him to show up at a cafe in Barton West at noon. He was to bring information about his request, a small object with sentimental value, and… ”An appetite? Seriously?” He reloaded the page, just to make sure it wasn’t some kind of bug, before looking at Max. ”Seriously?”
Max, blissfully unaware of the situation his human was dealing with, just rubbed against his ankles, horns catching on the hem of his pajama pants. For some reason he couldn’t quite explain, Evren found this comforting. He would have even stuck around, since the apartment wasn’t quite as empty as it used to be, and he didn’t feel the pressing need to be out all the time. But he’d slept in after his midnight excursion, and it would be rude to be late to a lunch date he’d sort of requested.
So he showed up at Bistro Bisque five minutes before noon, got a table, and didn’t look up from his menu until Lumi Blanchard sat down across from him five minutes later. ”Ms. Blanchard, thank you for responding to my email so quickly.”
“Lumi is fine. And may I call you Evren?” She waited for him to nod, taking in his attire for the day (one of his Neo Masque shirts over a blue turtleneck and under a red plaid jacket) before continuing. “I understand you wish to consult me further in the matter of the East Barton Library contract?”
A waiter came to take their order. Without consulting the menu, Lumi ordered the lobster bisque and a cup of coffee. Following her lead, Evren opted for lobster bisque as well, but with hot apple cider instead. There were a few moments of silence after the waiter left, while he tried to figure out what to say. ”The spirit is the books, I think.”
He’d expected to surprise her, this time, but she turned the tables yet again. “Yes, I suspected as much.”
”You knew?” How much wasn’t she telling him?
“I suspected,” she repeated. “The branch in question is home to a number of old documents and books, correct?”
That really wasn’t his area of expertise, but he vaguely remembered hearing something to that effect before. ”I guess?”
Lumi frowned at him. “You should be more educated on this matter, if you would interfere in it as you have.”
He knew that much without her scolding him for it, and the reminder made his response sharper than he’d meant it. ”That’s why I asked you here. You’re the expert, right?”
“No. I know more than many people on the subject of ghosts and spirits, thanks to my work. I know how to send restless spirits on their way, and negotiate with those who share their space with humans. But I am not an expert on all things spiritual, and I never claimed to be. Nor would I do anything outside my ability, without knowing the risks and the consequences.”
Evren knew she was just telling him this to teach him a lesson, or to prepare him for her not having an answer. Maybe both. His frustration ramped up another several notches. “Well, if you’re not an expert, what are we doing here?”
If she was offended by his tone, she didn’t show it. “We are having lunch. You can, if you choose, tell me about the situation. Then, we can go see an expert. If you like.”
He was quiet as the waiter brought their drinks. He remained quiet as she added sugar and milk to her coffee and began to take small, measured sips. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk. But he knew he’d managed things poorly, and he didn’t want to admit that to someone who already knew that, and wasn’t afraid to chastise him for it.
“You struck me as the sort of individual who put helping others above things like pride and fear,” she told him between sips. “Are you going to prove me wrong?”
Evren recognized the ploy for what it was. But she was right. If he couldn’t do this, he didn’t deserve the title of hero. So he told her everything that had happened since the exorcism: the library’s reluctance to compromise, his late night meetings with the spirit, the project he’d used to get it on his side, and his failed ideas for transporting it. ”But he said that if I found a way to move it without, you know, stealing the books, he’d find a place for it at the library he works at. So I want to make that happen.”
The waiter came back with their soup and a basket of bread. For a few moments, their attention was on the food. Then Evren couldn’t take it anymore. ”Well?”
“Well?” she echoed, her tone mirroring Evren’s perfectly.
”Can you help or not?” Was she being this obnoxious on purpose, or was she always like this?
“Right now, all I can do is finish my lunch. After that, we will go speak with the expert I mentioned. We’ll see what happens after that.”
He was grateful for the possibility of help, really. But he had to ask. “Why did you ask me to come here, if you’re not the expert?”
Lumi swallowed a particularly big mouthful of bisque. “It’s better to make important decisions on a full stomach. I thought it important to know the story first. The expert isn’t far from here.” She scraped the bowl with a piece of bread, grinning. “And I like their soup.”
Evren still didn’t know what he thought of her, or her reasons. But she didn’t seem to be pulling a fast one on him. She knew more about what he wanted to accomplish than he did. And, well… “You have good taste in soup, at least.”
“Does that mean you trust me?” she asked, her expression more amused than grumpy, for once. Maybe it was the bisque at work.
He picked up the bowl and slurped up the rest of his soup, partly because it was good, partly to stall for time. But when he put it down, he was smiling too. “We’ll see what happens, won’t we?”
That made her chuckle. “I suppose we will.”
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:16 pm
They strolled through the the neighborhood towards Zen Gardens, a popular tourist spot even through the Animated siege, and during the current Kindred issue. Evren found himself wishing he’d brought Max along as he saw other people walking with their Kin, but supposed it was just as well. This wasn’t really a Max-friendly matter, and they could always come back later.
The gardens themselves were a bit dull, thanks to the season, but the temples and shrines were still little hubs of activity. He wondered if one of them was their destination, but Lumi hadn’t said a word since they left the restaurant, and he didn’t want to distract her if she was trying to navigate. She probably wasn’t leading him into some sort of trap, since it was broad daylight in the middle of a tourist destination, so he would just go with the flow.
The flow was, in fact, a river, running through the gardens and still flowing even in the cold weather. Several small bridges crisscrossed it as it meandered through the area, making the whole place even more picturesque. Taking a casual jaunt through them, even in winter, was more pleasant than he’d expected. All the same, he was relieved when Lumi stopped short in front of a small temple, built in the same style as all the others. He’d been beginning to think she was lost or something.
She was looking around, like something was wrong with where they’d ended up. Cautiously she stepped through the gate that marked the entrance, beckoning Evren to do the same. “Hello?”
Someone came around to the front of the temple structure, an elderly woman in the same traditional attire they’d seen on other shrine attendants during their stroll. She had grey hair pulled into a ponytail, not so different from how Evren’s was styled, and she carried an old-fashioned broom. At first he was afraid she would hit them with it for intruding, but her smile as she saw them eased his fears. “Lumi, my dear!”
“Grandma!” Until that moment, he’d thought of her as formal, mature, even a little stiff. And annoying, but that was a separate matter. Now she was laughing, delighted, even a little giddy, as she ran forward and embraced the older woman. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it for New Years. I had a job-”
“Yes, yes, of course. Works too hard, this one,” she said fondly, looking more at Evren than her granddaughter. “And who might you be?”
Before he could introduce himself, Lumi jumped in. “A client. He called me in to deal with a haunted library, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
Though it wasn’t the first time she’d said as much, though it was something he’d freely admitted to others, that stung. He felt a little better when the older woman clucked her tongue and said “I’m sure that’s why he called you. And, I assume, why you’re here. No one person, no matter how skilled, can handle everything on their own.”
Then she turned to Evren, with one arm still around Lumi. “You may call me Misao. Please, come inside and have some tea, and let’s sort this mess out.”
The structure was larger than it looked. He was led into a room with a woven grass mat on the floor and asked to remove his shoes. Once he got over the oddness of that request, though, he found Lumi’s grandmother much more comfortable to deal with, as he told his story for the third time in two days. This time, he had to deal with frequent interruptions from Lumi, until Misao told her that listening to a client was an important skill. That shut her up for a while.
But she spoke up again when he talked about his interactions with the spirit. “You see? He’s got it, so why has he been doing so poorly?”
”What have I got, exactly?” Other than a headache from dealing with this. It was hard not to be offended by someone constantly telling him how much he sucked, even when she kin.
Misao put one hand over her mouth, as if suppressing a laugh. “Please don’t misunderstand, Evren. Lumi is actually complimenting you.” Evren opened his mouth to argue - that had to be a joke - but shut it when Misao shook her head, clearly not finished. “She understands that you have the ability to communicate with spirits. Not everyone does, you know. If most people tried what you did, nothing would have happened. Yours is a rare gift.”
Evren knocked over his (thankfully empty) teacup in shock.
When he was younger, he’d tried for weeks to fly, or shapeshift, or do something magical. When he got two magical sisters, he’d branched out more. He tried breathing underwater at the beach and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. He’d given himself serious blisters when he tried to control fire. And he’d been grounded for two whole months when he broke his mother’s favorite teapot and had been unable to make it whole again, even with the added incentive of the harsh punishment he knew would await him.
Which was why, in response, all he could manage to spit out was “I’m not magic.”
Lumi rolled her eyes. “Nobody said you were.”
”But… but what you do is magic. Spirits are magic-”
“Ah, no,” Misao interrupted, her voice still kind even though she was correcting him. “Spirits are natural. Life and death are part of nature. Trees and animals and rocks are part of nature. Though some spirits may be able to perform magic, they are not inherently magic, and neither is the ability to communicate with them. Yet that does not make it a universal ability, just as perfect recall is not universal, or seeing in all colors, or being able to roll one’s tongue.”
Having ghost sight equated with rolling your tongue was just weird, and Evren didn’t know how to react to it. Or any of this.
“Wait,” Lumi cut in, her scowl even more pronounced. “Do you honestly mean to say you didn’t know?” He didn’t - couldn’t - answer, but that only seemed to add more fuel to her fire. “You called in an exorcist without bothering to check how to communicate with the spirit you wished to pacify? How could you be so careless?”
”I called in an exorcist because the library wanted one, and I figured I could get a recommendation. And in case you haven’t noticed, the place I do research is kind of a mess right now, so what else was I supposed to do? I never expected any of this. Getting this involved was never the plan. So stop blaming me for stuff I don’t know and didn’t ask for!” About to get up and storm out, he felt a hand on his arm. Misao’s grip was weak, and he could have easily wrenched his arm away, but that would make him feel like a jerk as well as an idiot. So he settled for glaring at Lumi, wishing he’d tried anyone else on Mr. Fisch’s list first.
Once he’d calmed down a little, Misao patted Evren’s arm gently. “I can see this is a lot to take in. And reprimanding someone for events they cannot understand is not helpful,” she warned Lumi, her voice still completely even and calm. “If you would like, we can discuss what this means for you and how to prepare for future events, but I feel we should prioritize this spirit’s condition for the moment. From the sound of things, our time is limited.”
“I think it’s a kyōrinrin, Grandma,” Lumi said quickly, eager to make up for her behavior. She let Evren win their staring contest, shifting her attention to her grandmother. “If it is-”
“I think you’re right, my dear.” Misao stood up, stretching her back and legs before offering Evren her hand. “Lumi, would you be so kind as to put on another pot of tea? The two of us are going for a walk.”
If it had been Lumi saying that, Evren would have combed his brain for a sarcastic comment. Instead, he followed meekly, wordlessly, too confused and too shell-shocked to say anything at all. Maybe some fresh air would jump start his brain, so he could understand what was going on. Right then, he was beyond clueless.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:20 pm
They skirted the temple building and walked towards the river. Even though it was still early afternoon, the sky was already beginning to darken, and in the distance he could make out figures with torches, lighting the many lanterns that made Zen Gardens such a postcard-worthy spot.
“You have never had reason to suspect you could do anything special, or out of the ordinary,” Misao guessed, taking Evren’s hand and squeezing it gently. “I would even say you have never interacted with spirits before now.”
”Never.” It wasn’t so much doing something special that fazed him. His physical fitness was pretty special in his book, but it was the result of years of training, and he knew how to handle it. But spirits? How could anyone think he had some kind of spirit-talking power? He only saw this one through the effect it had on the books and papers around it. That didn’t really count, did it? The librarians had all seen that too, so it couldn't be anything special on his part.
“And this one is not trying to remain hidden, so of course you assume that if you can see it, in some fashion, you can speak with it. In some fashion,” she added, before he could correct her on the mode of communication.
”I guess.” He couldn’t help but think they were mistaken in all of this. Not that he thought they didn’t know their business, but he must have said or done something to lead them on, bring them to the wrong conclusion. Funny, how a trip to the library led him to hurt everyone with his ignorance. Except not so much “funny” as “dangerous and demoralizing.”
Misao nodded. “And now that you know, what do you want to do? Are you frightened of this ability? Do you want to stop, or pretend none of this ever happened?”
Evren was still stunned speechless, but that question bothered him in a different way. It was so against everything he believed in that it put words into his mouth to help explain how he was feeling, before he knew himself. ”Of course not. If anything, this makes me more responsible for everything that happened, so I have to fix it, no matter what.” Sure, he may have used the not-really-my-problem excuse in front of Lumi, but he didn’t believe it for a minute. He had escalated the situation through his meddling, and the only way to resolve it lay past accepting that and forging ahead.
“I wouldn’t put all the blame on your shoulders, Evren. This spirit must take some responsibility as well, though that’s hard when it’s in your nature to fight.”
How could it be in a book’s nature to fight? What exactly was he dealing with? “What’s a… a kyo, um…”
“Kyōrinrin. I think we should start at the beginning, though. Have you heard of yōkai?”
The term was vaguely familiar. “I think some of the monsters in the shows I work on are based on yōkai. So they’re monsters, I guess?”
Part of Evren couldn’t help but hope that Misao would ask if he was an actor, or better yet, somehow recognize his name. Instead, she tilted her head to one side, then the other. “Yes and no. Yōkai is a catch-all term. It can describe monsters, demons, spirits, strange phenomena, and almost anything that lacks a rational explanation. But the most well-known are the monsters and spirits, and it does not surprise me that they are still influencing art in modern times.
“Next, we have a subdivision of yōkai, the tsukumogami.” Evren shook his head, having no memory of ever hearing that word before. “It is said that when tools are used for a long period, and achieve a great age, they can obtain souls. Some people would throw out their old tools before they reach that threshold, but this can make the tools angry, causing them to become yōkai in another way. This latter category is almost always malicious, seeking revenge on those who abandoned them at all costs.”
Uh-oh. That was just like what the spirit had told him. But none of the books in the library had been thrown away, so why was it so angry?
“The tools who become spirits naturally, through the passage of time, are neither good nor evil. They may play pranks on humans from time to time, but because they were cherished enough to see steady use and live, in a manner of speaking, to a old age, they are generally calmer and more open-minded than their discarded counterparts.”
If Evren hadn’t been confused before, this really would have done it. Everything Misao was saying seemed to indicate he was dealing with an evil spirit, but that made no sense. What was going on here?
“Which doesn’t mean they can’t be hurt by the actions of humans. The kyōrinrin, for example, is a spirit of knowledge collected through the ages. But if they aren’t given sufficient attention, they become angry, seeking to punish those who would ignore their wisdom and counsel. One could call it tough love, in a sense.”
”Oh!” That was it, on the nose. How it didn’t want to be forgotten. How it was willing to help the person who helped trap it. It all it.
“Tell me, Evren. During the exorcism, did you get a good look at the spirit?”
”I saw the books it was moving. I’ve never seen a body or anything, though.”
Misao nodded. “Its body is the venerable books it was born from, though it can use others for this purpose as well. Did an image come to mind when you looked at it? Maybe you thought you imagined something?”
Evren thought back, closing his eyes and picturing the mass of books as best he could, as Misao steered them in a new direction. It always moved in a steady stream, he remembered that clearly. “A river, or a snake, or…” The image shifted slightly in his head, taking on new attributes: long, sinuous body, short arms and legs, pronged horns. He opened his eyes, but the image was still there, carved into the stone pillar in front of them. “A dragon?”
It sounded like nonsense when he said it, but Misao looked pleased. “They like to take that form, kyōrinrin do. And other kami as well. I wouldn’t mind it myself. It looks like fun, doesn’t it?”
”I… I guess?”
“This is called a yorishiro. One of many on our grounds. They are vessels for spirits enshrined here, for when those spirits choose to grace us with their presence. Despite what may look like, or what you see in movies, no living being can exist on this plane without a body. Those who lose theirs must inhabit something - or someone - in order to remain here. This is why there are exorcists like Lumi, who help when something has been overtaken by outside forces. And why we have vessels created for just this purpose, to welcome spirits we want to have around.”
Something clicked in Evren’s brain. ”How do you create them?”
Running one hand along the carved dragon on the pillar, Misao’s expression flickered, just a bit. Before Evren had time to wonder what changed, she was off again. “The best yorishiro come from nature. Spirits are natural, remember? So we have trees, rocks, and so on, as well as ceremonial tools.” She touched the rope that encircled the pillar, hung with paper streamers. “These shimenawa help protect the vessels, and their inhabitants, from spirits who would do them harm. Both the rope and the paper are made from natural materials, reinforcing the connection to nature.”
”Would making one entirely out of paper be possible?”
“I don’t see why not. As long as the spirit is willing, anything can work.” She took both of Evren’s hands in hers and pulled him down a little, so she could look him straight in the eyes. “The spirit must be willing. It must choose to leave its body behind and start anew. No one else can decide on its behalf. Do you understand?”
Her gaze was intense, and a little unnerving. Evren swallowed and nodded. ”Of course.” Considering how desperate the spirit was to get out, how badly it wanted to share its knowledge with the world, he already knew what it would choose.
Misao let go of his hands, grabbing onto his arm instead. “Then let’s go back inside. Lumi must be wondering what we’re up to, and you’ll need her help with this plan of yours.”
Ugh. Evren didn’t feel that he had the energy to deal with Lumi after all of this, but had to trust that her grandmother could keep her in line. He managed a tired smile as he headed back towards the temple building. ”Don’t you mean this plan of yours?”
“Nonsense. I merely gave you information. You decided how to use it. And it will be up to you to see it through, no matter what happens.” She sobered again, squeezing his arm tightly. “It won’t be easy. Are you sure this is the answer you choose?”
”As opposed to what, letting someone else take the fall because I was too scared to commit? That’s not gonna happen.” Evren squeezed back, more forcefully than he meant to. “It’s okay if it’s not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is, right?”
Smiling wistfully, Misao reached up to touch Evren’s cheek. “You’re a good child. I will be praying for your success.” Then she pulled away, heading back inside the temple and calling for Lumi to bring more tea, because didn’t she know it was freezing outside?
Evren took one last look at the dragon pillar before following her inside. He was confident in his choices, and pleased to have found a solution, even if he’d needed to be dragged by the ear to it, kicking and screaming until he figured things out. In spite of his earlier failings, or perhaps because of them, he’d found a way to fix everything so that no one would be hurt. Sure, the whole process had been more involved and more difficult than he’d expected, but it was worth it in the long run.
Nothing felt better than knowing all your problems were about to be solved.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:24 pm
When Evren got to the library that night, the remaining glass in the window was gone. They were probably putting the new panes in soon. If he wanted to keep sneaking in, he’d need to find another route, or risk being locked out. With any luck, he wouldn’t need to have many more midnight rendezvous, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Now that he’d figured out his endgame, he didn’t want anything to mess it up.
He was nervous as he approached the lab, for reasons that had nothing to do with the fact that he was trespassing. The night before, he’d promised to let the spirit out the next time he came. Now he had to break that promise in order to guarantee its safety. If only he was more confident that he wouldn’t have to sacrifice his safety in order to accomplish this.
The light from the ward had dimmed substantially, adding to his worries. Was something wrong? Lumi had said it would only last for a few days, so perhaps the power was fading. All the more reason to get in, get through his pitch, and get the ball rolling.
Inside the lab, the storm had calmed. The typical swirl of papers and books didn’t start until Evren tapped on the door, seized with terror that he was too late. Even then, they moved slowly, sluggishly, and as letters peeled off the pages, they hovered unsteadily in the air.
heLLO evREn
wiLL yOu ReLEaSE uS NOw, AS yoU pROmISed?
Something was definitely wrong here, but he was too relieved that the spirit was still there to ask about it. Maybe he could bring it up later, after he fielded its favorite question. I’m afraid I can’t do that just yet. Unsurprisingly, the tornado picked up speed then, pressing ragged scraps of paper against the glass. But we’re going to do the next best thing. Just give me a few minutes.
If anything, that seemed to make it worse. The message melted away, and nothing came to replace it, while the force of the wind kicked up another few notches. Only the glass between them saved him from getting his face slashed open. What would he do when that barrier was gone?
His hands shook as he pulled out the strips of parchment Lumi had given him, with strange symbols drawn on them in purple and black ink. She’d assured him, somewhat grumpily, that these were primed to be used by anyone, regardless of spiritual power, and they would provide everything he needed to carry out his mission.
She had given him ten strips in all, carefully labeled with post-its and clipped in like bunches. He had used four of them already, before even entering the building, slapping one on each of the library’s main walls. This, she had told him, would form another barrier, keeping rogue spirits out - and in. The next two went on either side of the lab’s door frame, tinting the light that leaked through the glass a bright, cheerful pink that looked so out of place he couldn’t help but laugh, and that gave him the courage to open the door and walk into the lab.
The world turned white. Evren threw his arms up over his face and shut his eyes as he was buffeted by what felt like an ocean of paper. Though the pink glow clung to him, protecting him from the worst of it, he was hit from every direction, and if he wasn’t bleeding, he was definitely bruised.
As bad as the pain was, the pressure in the room was far worse. After stumbling through the ward, he could hardly move an inch without feeling like skin had been tossed in a blender, or his bones were smashed against a reinforced steel wall. With what little thought he could spare for anything beyond how unbearable this all was, he had a shred of surprise that the contents of the lab hadn’t been completely destroyed.
Then again, for all he knew, the whole world had been destroyed. He had no way of knowing for sure.
All thoughts of why he’d entered the room in the first place were driven out of his mind. He couldn’t think of anything other than the pain, and the pressure, and how to make them stop. But how could he have any control over the situation when he couldn’t even move? When it was becoming increasingly hard to just breathe?
The individual scraps of paper meshed together, forming an arm of sorts that wrapped around Evren's throat. He tried to pry it away, but just when he pulled one page off, another would close in tighter. As if angry that he would dare try to escape, the arm threw Evren against the table. He collapsed flat against it before he was grabbed again and tossed into a corner like a rag doll.
Every part of his body hurt. More than that, his mind hurt. His heart hurt. He couldn't help but feel that everything leading to his being there was his fault, and even this wouldn't absolve him of his guilt. Maybe that was the real source of the weight he felt on his shoulders, threatening to flatten him like a pancake.
Another sheet of paper blew into his face. At first, it barely registered. But it helped to shield him from the worst of the storm, enough that he could almost think. Enough that he could open his eyes a crack without fearing he’d lose them. The blizzard was gone, though he could still feel it. A red, cream and black blur swam in front of his eyes, before solidifying into a recognizable image.
It was the photo of the soul bottle, and it reminded Evren why he had done all of this in the first place. It gave him enough strength to speak, his voice muffled and strained from pain and paper in his face.
”... please.”
The pressure eased a fraction. Not enough to feel bearable, or to stop every inch of his body from aching, but enough to force a few more words out before his lungs were totally empty.
”Please… let me… help…”
Everything froze. The papers halted in midair, the books fell to the floor. The pressure vanished in an instant, and the lack of it started a new kind of pain. Evren blinked as the photo fell away from his face, and was promptly buried in dingy confetti.
For several minutes, all he could do was lie there, trying to breathe without choking on wood pulp. Protective ward or no protective ward, everything hurt. But it was the sort of hurt that felt temporary, superficial wounds that would heal with rest and time. After he managed three deep breaths without coughing, he managed to roll over on his back, exchanging one set of ouches for another.
wHy dO YOu wAnT to hELp?
The question floated above his head, black and bold and larger than life. Evren stared at it while his brain started up again, then laughed, the sound a stiff, broken echo of what it had been before. He broke off almost immediately, as his lungs protested the harsh treatment.
”Because... you need help. And if there’s… if there’s anything I can do… and there is.”
The letters blurred. Or maybe that was his eyesight. Either way, the message scrambled, then rewrote itself.
wHy dO YOu cARe AbouT uS?
That was an easy one too. ”I want to help everyone,” he croaked. ”You’re everyone.” And that was the basic, honest truth. There was so much more he didn’t have enough energy to explain: the way he’d messed everything up, this so-called ability he had, the fact that he knew the spirit’s days were numbered. But if he had to pick one reason he was lavishing attention on this spirit in particular, he had to go to one conclusion. ”I love books. And I think… you have a lot to offer. I don’t want your knowledge to disappear. I… I don’t want you to disappear.”
The message shattered, letters raining down like rain. It finally clicked that the spirit was actually able to hear him, now that they were in the same room. ”Please wait-”
Paper surged at him again. This time, instead of swamping him, it came up from underneath, creating a backrest and raising his feet to a level that made him almost comfortable. His breathing eased further, and this time, when a new message appeared, it was clear and solid.
whAT dO YOu wAnT To dO NOw?
Finally, it was time to lay out his plan. It suddenly occurred to Evren that this might have been better to do before entering a room with an angry spirit, but hindsight was 20/20. Before he could kick himself, he launched into an explanation, starting with a summary of the exorcism from the human point of view, then the follow-up discussion with the librarians, and his meeting with Lumi and her grandmother. He glossed over the details of that last one, since he barely understood them, focusing on the yorishiro and the possibilities it unlocked.
”So even if you can’t stay here - and you really can’t, because they won’t listen - you can use this vessel as a new body. My friend already promised there would be space for you at his library. And that way, you can keep teaching people, and you can learn, and nobody will try to hurt you there. You’ll be appreciated for who you are.”
The spirit had kept quiet and still while he talked. No flurries of paper, no floating messages. From something that was so active, the calm was a little unnerving, though it beat the storm from earlier by a mile. ”So? What do you think?”
It took a few moments for the spirit to cobble together a response, one reluctant letter at a time.
wE aRE ThE kNowLEdgE bETwEeN ouR pAgES
WiTHouT tHaT, wE aRe NoTHiNg
”That’s not true!” Evren countered automatically. But did he really have the right to say that? So far his track record when it came to making assumptions about spirits was kind of terrible. If he was going to make this claim, he needed proof or a logical argument, and he was fresh out of proof. ”You’ve been able to do all sorts of stuff while you’ve been stuck in here. Moving all the paper, and talking to me, and helping me with my research. There’s so much you can do, even without the books that made you.” So what if it changed a little in the process? Even in a new form, it would still be the same spirit he’d come to know.
wE wOuLD LoSE OuRSeLvEs
Evren sighed, trying to come up with a new argument. Before he could, the message changed of its own accord.
TheRE iS No oTHeR WAy?
”None that I can think of. I mean, not before they bring in another exorcist. If we do this tomorrow, if you want to get out of here, I can promise you’ll be safe. For real, this time. Otherwise, I can only see things ending badly.” And he couldn’t bear that, not when they were so close to the end of the tunnel.
YOu HAvE NoT kEpT YouR pROmISe yET
Rather than get irritated by this reminder, Evren actually smirked. Finally, a development he was actually prepared for. Maybe he was learning something after all. ”I can let you out now, if you like. But only if you let me put this binding on you.” Reaching one sore hand into his pocket, he pulled out the paper strip labeled “7” and held it out. ”It’ll keep you from messing up the library out there, so neither of us gets in more trouble. I know it’s probably not exactly what you were aiming for, but if you want to stretch your... whatever, you can do it now.”
A tattered tendril emerged from the chair-like mass he was ensconced on, wrapping itself around the paper strip as if absorbing it into its body. Since this was what he’d been warned might happen, Evren groaned as he got to his feet, feeling stiff and sore all over. His steps were wobbly, and once or twice he almost tripped over his own feet, but he made it to the door and ripped off the ward Lumi had put up several days ago.
The spirit was off, racing along newly-repaired bookshelves and doing loops and spirals in the open air of the reading room. He leaned against the wall, watching it wind its way down every corridor. With most of the papers comprising its current physical form ripped to shreds, it somehow resembled a dragon even more than it had before, rough blobs marking out a distinct outline. Sometimes, he almost got a glimpse of something shining on its head, beneath the massive horns, but it moved too quickly for him to get a good look.
After a half an hour or so, he reluctantly called it back to the lab with yet another parchment piece. It glowed blue when he set it on the desk over the identical strip Lumi had placed there earlier. This time, the breeze that flowed into the room was calm and warm. He could only hope that indicated acceptance. Once it was fully back in the lab, he fished out the binding ward and tucked it back in his pocket, knowing that the summons strip would keep the spirit stuck there for a few more minutes.
”I need to go now,” he said reluctantly, backing out of the room. ”But I’ll be back tomorrow, so we can finish this and get you moved to your new home.” About to replace the door’s ward, he saw the photo of the soul bottle lying on the floor - one of the few papers that was still mostly intact - and stepped back through the threshold. ”Before I go… do you have that information I asked you for?”
Still bound to the table, the spirit could only manage a small message, one that Evren had to lean in to properly read.
YOu sEEk A SOuL fRom SomEoNE wHo CaNnoT objEcT
That wasn’t what he wanted. But it also kind of was. Before he could object, another line formed underneath the first, and then another..
wE muST SeE tHE TRue boTtLE To kNOw fOR SurE
ToMorRow YOu wiLL HavE youR ANswEr
It wasn’t an ideal solution, but maybe the spirit knew something he didn’t. Heck, even if it had never heard of Raevans before this, it probably knew tons on the subject that he couldn’t imagine. And he wanted to hear its conclusion, if only to confirm for both of them that it could and would have a good life after taking a new form.
”It’s a deal. See, you help me, I help you. And then everybody wins!” That was how everything ought to go, Evren thought. It felt so good knowing that this mess would have a happy ending in spite of everything he’d screwed up.
uNTiL toMoRRoW, evReN
”Good night. I’ll see you tomorrow” Once he was out of the room, he put strip #9 on the door, resetting the ward. Then, instead of leaving, he got to work, taking down unnecessary paper scraps, putting up fresh ones, and making his final preparations for the final night of his career as a real life ninja.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:27 pm
Bright and early the next morning - too early, for someone who regularly took nighttime jaunts, and who hadn’t yet been to bed - Evren found himself back at Bistro Bisque, nursing a cup of cocoa and a bowl of cinnamon sugar oatmeal. ”Doesn’t this place serve solid foods?”
“A few,” Lumi replied between swallows of custard, “but I wouldn’t recommend them. Did everything go well last night?”
In response, he took an envelope out of his pocket and pushed it across the table. ”This is the one you told me to bring back.” He hesitated for a moment, reluctant to display more of his ignorance to someone who clearly enjoyed berating him for it, but curiosity won out in the end. ”What are you going to do with it?”
Her eyes narrowed, but the comeback never came. “Since it was was used on your spirit, it has a sort of resonance. It is an important component of the yorishiro. Necessary, if your plan is to succeed.” She took the envelope and put it in her purse, then returned to her breakfast, apparently content to keep her scorn at a low boil. “I’m surprised the spirit agreed to this,” she admitted grudgingly. “Kyōrinrin are said to be quite attached to their physical forms, moreso than many other tsukumogami. I did not truly expect one to willingly abandon its shell, even to save itself.”
If they were being exact, Evren would have told her that the spirit hadn’t exactly agreed. Not in so many words. But it knew the plan and hadn’t objected. It knew what would happen, and seemed to accept it. So all he said was “I’m glad it’s not going down with the ship. That would be a terrible way to go.”
Lumi’s frown deepened. “These matters look different in the grand scheme of things. It is not your place to inflict your human morals on issues beyond your understanding.”
That was an invitation to fight. Rather than take it, he decided a change of subject was in order. ”Is there anything else you need me to do? With the preparations and everything, I mean.” Yes, he was out of it, but he had to ask. If there was anything he could possibly do to up their odds, he would stuff his exhaustion for a while longer. He’d pay for it when filming started up again in a couple of days, but it would suck to come so close, only to fail because he wanted a nap.
She shook her head dismissively. “The creation of the yorishiro requires an expert. My grandmother is already working on it, and once we are finished with breakfast, I will bring her this vital element and assist with the construction.” Her custard was gone, along with her appetite, but that didn’t stop her from tearing a piece of bread into progressively smaller chunks. “To be honest, your presence is not really required for the invocation, but I have no doubt that you would show up even if I told you not to.”
”So you’re not just an exorcist, you’re a psychic?” A bit of a snarky question, but considering all the venom she’d sent his way, he didn’t feel too bad about it.
Rolling her eyes, she brushed breadcrumbs off her hands. “It doesn’t take a psychic to see that you’re a fanatical do-gooder. And I know that this isn’t what you hired me for, but I have to tell you, you can’t always fix things. Especially where spirits are concerned. They play by their own rules, and if you interfere without knowing exactly what you’re doing, you will be hurt. Or worse.”
”Yes, Mom.” That earned him a glare, which he shrugged off. ”Look, I’m not trying to make your job harder. I don’t want to make trouble for anyone. But if someone needs help, even if I’m not the right person, even if I don’t have all the answers, I have to do something. That’s just who I am. If this game has new rules, I’ll learn them. If I get hurt in the process, I’ll heal. To me, it’s worth it.”
“You can’t always heal,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands. She spoke carefully, trying to keep her voice level. “I’m not telling you to give up. But I am telling you to be careful. Not just with this, but with any other spirits you may come across. This will not be your last encounter, and not all problems are so easily resolved.”
Evren digested this, and his oatmeal, for a few moments. ”Are you sure you’re not a psychic?”
“Merely observant. A skill you could stand to cultivate.” But while sarcasm had crept into her voice, the venom was absent, and she flashed a smile that was neither mocking nor sarcastic.
”I’ll do my best.” He couldn’t stand the idea of doing anything less. ”Maybe one day, you’ll even be able to tolerate me and my do-goodliness.”
Lumi snickered. “Don’t hold your breath. And don’t be late tonight. I want you to see how this is done.”
”I wouldn’t want to miss a second of it.” This time, he wasn’t joking.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:31 pm
The smart thing to do would have been to go home. To nap, get cleaned up, and prepare for the night ahead. But Evren was too tired, and too hyped up, for that to be a viable option. Once he finally wound down enough to fall asleep, he’d probably stay that way for a week, no matter how many alarms he might set.
Still, most people probably would have found the gym an odd plan B for someone who hadn’t slept well in a week, and at all in the past twenty-four hours. It was a natural choice for Evren, who felt best when he was doing something physical. And it was just as well, since when he arrived, he was reminded about a workshop that he’d volunteered to help with.
This whole spirit thing had really blown through his life like a hurricane, leaving wreckage in its wake. While he warmed up, he spared a few thoughts to other promises he had broken, other people he had let down. If the show hadn’t been pre-empted that week, he might have even lost his job. It wasn’t the first time he’d let himself get so distracted by someone else’s problems that it created problems for him, but it had to be the last. If he was going to be totally responsible for someone else, he couldn’t let anything get in the way of that.
In a way, then, this was his last hurrah. Not that he would stop helping people anytime soon, but he had to stop letting that consume him. His life - or rather, the life in the making - would have to take priority. And his final act had everything he could have asked for: magic, mystery, new friends, old books, and a whole host of people he was helping in a whole bunch of ways. There was no way he’d be able to outdo himself on this one.
Which, he reminded himself, wasn’t a reason to not try.
No, the fact that he was going to be a… Evren braced himself before thinking the word. The fact that he was going to be a parent, or something like one, was the reason he couldn’t keep throwing himself into these situations. This was what he wanted - to be able to guide and protect someone all the time, not just when there was a problem.
But if he didn’t fix these problems, who would?
Before he could come up with a satisfactory answer, the first student arrived, giving him something and someone else to focus on for a while. He shelved the pressing existential issues and threw himself wholeheartedly into his work, demonstrating obstacles, helping kids with their positioning, serving as instructor and referee and timekeeper and playmate. Evren loved all his volunteer gigs, and all of the people he worked with, but if pressed to choose a favorite, serving as ninja teacher would win, hands down.
It was late in the afternoon when the workshop finally wrapped up, leaving Evren more exhausted than ever, but it was the good kind of exhaustion that came from playing hard and getting a good workout. He leaned against a stack of mats and took a swig from a bottle of water, watching as the parents came to pick up their kids. Since this wasn’t his first rodeo, he knew a lot of the kids, and a lot of the parents, but one took him by surprise. ”Eriol? What’re you doing here on Kids Day?”
Eriol had been chatting with the gym owner, but turned around when he heard his name. ”Hey, Ev! I didn’t know you were such a good teacher. I mean, you can’t even beat me across the Cliff Hanger.”
Scowling, Evren smacked Eriol on the shoulder. “It’s about timing, not speed. And you didn’t answer my question.”
”Timing is speed, man.” But he was laughing as he reached through the crowd, fishing out a young girl Evren had seen at workshops a few times before by her wrist. ”I just came to pick up Vivi. Don’t go too far,” he added, though this last bit was obviously meant for the girl.
”You never struck me as the babysitting type,” Evren commented, eyebrows raised.
If that surprised him, Eriol’s next words floored him. ”Nah, she’s mine.” He ruffled her hair fondly, looking around the room. ”Where’s Outcry?”
The girl must have said something in response, but Evren didn’t even hear it. ”You have a kid?!”
”Obviously. What, you didn’t know? This isn’t the first workshop Vivi’s been to.” He bent down so he could exchange whispers with the girl, clearly enjoying Evren’s shock and discomfort.
They didn’t really look alike, but that meant nothing, especially in Gaia. Evren didn’t look a thing like either of his sisters, and neither did his parents. He could have asked what their deal was - if she was adopted, how long they’d been together - but that wasn’t really important. Nor was it any of his business.
Instead, the knowledge that his gym buddy was also a… parent, gave him an idea. ”Hey, Vivi. Can I borrow your dad for a minute?”
She had a solemn expression for a kid who was supposedly there to have fun. After staring wordlessly at him for what might have been a full minute, she nodded and pulled her arm out of Eriol’s grip.
”Thanks. Eri, do you mind? It’s important?”
Recognizing the tension in Evren’s voice, Eriol let himself be pulled off to the side. ”I’m gonna take a wild guess that this is about the library thing again.”
”I’m sure you can be wilder than that,” Evren quipped. ”But yeah. You know how you said that if I found a way to move the spirit without moving the books, you’d have a place for it?” Wouldn’t he look like an idiot if that had been a joke?
But Eriol nodded seriously. ”Does this mean you figured it out? I didn’t think you’d find a way so fast, but I know you were on a deadline. I guess I underestimated you.”
It wasn’t the first time, but he kept that thought to himself, wanting to stay on-topic. ”Yeah. It’s happening tonight. I know this is kind of out of nowhere, but do you think you could come along?”
”Me? What for? I’m no good with spirits, Ev.”
Evren shook his head impatiently. ”Not for the spirit part. An exorcist is gonna take care of that. But I’d feel a lot more comfortable if we could get the vessel someplace safe right away, and when it comes to book stuff, you’re the only one I can think to ask. Please? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”
His expression serious, Eriol folded his arms and thought for a moment, while Evren held his breath. ”Is this gonna involve anything illegal?”
No matter how much he lied to himself about the legal issues of breaking into the library, he couldn’t lie to someone else. ”Yes.”
”Okay.”
Blink. Blink. ”Wait, what?”
Eriol shrugged. ”I just needed to know what we’re dealing with. If it’s something of… let’s say ‘questionable legality,’ we just need to not get caught, right?”
”Right. Okay. Barton East Library, eleven PM. And then I’ll stop bugging you about this.”
”What are you talking about?” Eriol frowned, though he looked more puzzled than upset. ”Look, man, I offered to help. If it was gonna bug me, I wouldn’t have done that. I mean, you’re doing what you’re doing to help too, right?”
Evren nodded, but he wasn’t entirely convinced. ”That doesn’t give me the right to involve other people. I really meant to handle it myself-”
”Whoa, Ev. You didn’t involve me. I involved me. And I could go on about how no man is an island, but if you need me at eleven, I need to get Vivi home and fed and into bed. So just take my word that it’s cool with me, and I’ll see you later, alright?”
Eriol melted back into the crowd, leaving Evren alone with his thoughts. Though he had no trouble putting his neck on the line for others, he had a hard time believing anyone would want to help him with that. There was some kind of logical inconsistency there, but he couldn’t quite figure it out, and he didn’t have time to deal with it right then. Or, hopefully, ever.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:35 pm
Five minutes before their designated meeting time, Evren scaled the wall of the library. As he’d expected, the new windows had been delivered, robbing him of his favored entrance. Fortunately, he’d been expecting it. The night before, he’d unlatched one of the windows in the reference section, covering the lock with electrical tape. It swung open easily when he pushed the top, making him wonder why he hadn’t gone this route in the first place.
Once inside, he paused by the computer lab long enough to write a quick greeting on the door. Then he headed for the back, letting his accomplices in through the employee entrance.
”Show-off,” Eriol accused in a stage whisper. ”Like I couldn’t have climbed up the walls.” Like Evren, he was dressed in black, form-fitting athletic clothes. Unlike Evren, he had decided to ramp the ninja effect up to eleven, adding a black ski mask, though that may have been due to the cold.
Lumi glared at him, then at Evren. She was clad in her usual black trenchcoat and hat, and was carrying a parcel wrapped in butcher paper and string in her arms, which she shifted anxiously. “Why, in your infinite wisdom, did you bring someone else? This is not a cabaret show!”
”I know that,” Evren snapped. He’d been about to introduce them; why couldn’t she just be patient? Why did she have to assume the worst from him? ”Eriol, this is Lumi, our exorcist for the evening. Lumi, this is Eriol. He’s the librarian who’s going to take charge of the book once the transfer is done.”
He’d hoped that would get her to stop questioning, but that was, he supposed, too much to wish for. “Thank you for agreeing to assist with this matter,” she told Eriol, very politely, very formally, before turning her wrath back on Evren. “Haven’t you heard of next-day delivery?”
”I thought completing the process tonight would leave less room for something to go wrong,” he hissed, wondering for the umpteenth time why he hadn’t picked literally any other exorcist from Mr. Fisch’s list. Surely they wouldn’t have felt it necessary to bite his head off like he was a Teddy Graham.
“Having excess people here will make an error much more likely! I think the both of you should wait outside.”
Eriol rolled his eyes. ”Oh, come off it. Ev and I aren’t gonna get in your way. We’ll do whatever you tell us - except wait outside in twenty degree weather, because to heck with that - so quit complaining and let’s get on with it. Please.”
Evren gaped. Why couldn’t he find the nerve to say stuff like that?
Opening and closing her mouth a few times, Lumi scowled and pressed her package into Eriol’s arms. “Very well then, Mr. Librarian. If you would be so kind as to handle the yorishiro while we set up the space, I won’t kick you out.” Though she clearly really wanted to.
She kept Evren busy, tacking up more paper strips, marking out a pentagram on the carpeted floor in masking tape, lighting candles and setting them in specific places throughout the room. It was a much more involved setup than the exorcism had involved, and he was curious what each step meant and what effect it had. But whenever he tried asking about it, he only got glares and barked orders in response.
Seriously, did this girl even have a right side of the bed?
Once everything was in place, she checked her watch. “Ten minutes until midnight. I will finish the preparations from here. Evren, please speak with the spirit, but do not release the ward yet. Inform it of what will happen, and…” She hesitated, the bite going out of her voice. “You should give your regards. In case…”
”It’s going to work. There’s no point in saying goodbyes to someone I’m gonna see again in a few minutes.” Everything was perfect, so there was no reason it wouldn’t go according to plan.
Lumi’s expression looked pained. “Nothing in this business is certain. I do not want you to have any regrets.”
What did she care? Wouldn’t she think it served him right if he messed up somehow? Evren gave up on trying to understand her and headed for the lab. ”Whatever. We’ll be ready when you are.”
The lab was even quieter than the rest of the library. As Evren put up the strips that would allow him to pass through the ward, the usual rustling of paper started. But it was slow, subdued, even when he passed into the lab proper. ”Good evening. I’m sorry for not coming in to talk earlier, but I was helping with preparations.”
He had to wait for a while until an answer materialized from the few papers that were still intact. The letters were blurred around the edges, and Evren had to squint to read them, as they kept hovering unevenly.
GooD EveNiNg, evReN
iS iT TimE?
”Almost. My friends have made a new vessel for you. In a few minutes, we’re going to start the ceremony to transfer you into that. Then my other friend will take you to his library, with all sorts of neat books for you to enjoy. Won’t that be nice?” He didn’t know much about Eriol’s library, but if it was uniquely qualified to handle magical books, it had to have neat stuff there.
iT wiLL NoT bE THe SamE
wE WiLL noT be wHO We ARe
Given everything that Evren had heard about the process - how other spirits didn’t want to give up their bodies, and that it had to be chosen - he couldn’t disagree. But he couldn’t let the spirit back out now, not when they were so close. ”Look, maybe it won’t be the same. Maybe you won’t be exactly the same. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be just as good. I’m sorry that you can’t stay here, but you can’t let that stop you from taking your chance to make a new life for yourself! Most people only wish they had this kind of opportunity to reinvent themselves. You can’t pass it up because you’re stuck in the past. But this has to be your decision, so here’s your options: you can stay here and cry over how everything turned out, or you can grab this chance and use it to make your life even better!”
His voice echoed in the (mostly) empty room. He hadn’t meant to shout, but he was terrified that the spirit would change its mind, and all of this would be for nothing. At this point, he didn’t think he could bear that.
YOu cARe So MuCH AbouT tHiS?
”Of course I care!” After everything he’d done, how could it even ask? ”Look, I know we haven’t exactly known each other a long time, and you’re probably not my biggest fan. And I don’t care. I’m saying these things because I like you and don’t want to see you disappear over something so stupid. Not when you can keep being you - maybe a different you, but still you - and we can keep being friends.”
wE aRE fRiENdS?
It was really hard for these questions to not hurt. ”I thought we were friends. If you don’t think so, that’s your business. But I’m going to keep on believing we’re friends. And friends can do anything they set their minds to.” To Evren, that wasn’t a cliche. It was the absolute truth.
The letters in the latest question shot off in all directions like fireworks, surprising the heck out of Evren. When the new message formed, it was bouncing, almost giddy.
wE aRe LuCky To HAve SuCh fRiENdS
Suddenly, the questions didn’t bother him at all. ”Hey now, I’m the lucky one, buddy,” Evren mumbled, actually blushing a bit. Nobody had ever told him that before.
There was a yell from the other room, accompanied by some sort of background clatter. “Evren! It is just about time to begin the ritual!”
”It’s now or never, buddy. Are you ready?”
The papers swirled approvingly, slithering around his ankles in a way that reminded him of Max. It also tickled, even through his pants.
wHaT aBouT OuR dEaL?
”Deal? Oh, right!” Evren had nearly forgotten the project he’d set the spirit on, even though that was his whole raison d’etre. He fumbled in his pockets, carefully extracting the precious soul bottle. He’d had to lock Max in his bedroom again while he got it out, and the kitchen plants for good measure, just so it didn’t suck up anything he didn’t want it to. ”Here’s the bottle. What do you think I should put in it?”
AfTErwARdS, wE wiLL TeLL yOu
Though he was dying of curiosity, the idea of there being an afterwards - of the spirit consenting and looking forward to its new form - made Evren grin excitedly. ”Promise?”
pRoMiSE
“Good. Then I’ll see you soon.” Since there wasn’t anything for him to touch, to give a handshake or a high five, he ran his fingers through the scraps of paper at his feet. As if in response, the paper gathered together, wrapping around him like a cocoon. Or a hug.
“Evren, we need to start! Remove the ward and hurry back here!”
He didn’t want to let go, but he knew it was only temporary. Patting the paper one more time, he pulled himself away, snatching the paper strips off the door and sprinting back to the reading room, where Lumi was standing, tapping her foot impatiently. He caught a brief glimpse of Eriol in the back of the room, near the door. ”Where do you want me?”
”Outside,” she grumbled, then shook her head. “Behind me. Stay put, don’t say anything, and only move if I tell you to. Understand?”
In response, Evren took his place in the background, not speaking, barely moving. If anything went wrong - not that anything would - it wouldn’t be his fault.
Lumi began chanting in that same, strange language she had used during the exorcism. The knife from before was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she held the newly crafted book in one hand and a stick of incense in the other. Through the smoke, he could see the spirit, or at least the papers under its control, flow into the room in a long, flowing stream.
The papers washed over him like a wave, and he would have laughed if he wasn’t scared it would somehow ruin things. As the spirit raced around the room, it picked books up from the shelves, as well as signs, maps, and other documents. Scrolls with tassels flew to the head of the winding line, while a particularly large map wrapped around it like a cape. Two small volumes in the front glowed with a steady gold light.
Papers flicked over the light, then rolled back, and Evren realized he was looking at the spirit’s eyes. It was a dragon, just like he’d suggested to Misao, and it almost filled the room. He thought briefly about how the library staff would take the mess that would surely result, but that wasn’t really where his concern lay right then.
Books began to fall from the spirit’s form, like shed scales. It was mesmerising, beautiful. Then, as two and three books became ten and twenty, he started to feel anxious. Surely, this was part of the process, a natural effect of the spirit being put in the book, but it was a bit scary to watch. From the way Lumi’s chanting ratcheted up in pitch, she seemed startled too, and that made Evren even more nervous. Didn't she know what was happening? Why was she speeding up?
No, that was probably just a normal, natural part of the ceremony. He had to trust that she knew what she was doing. She seemed confident, and she clearly knew her stuff. Everything would be fine.
The scrolls tumbled from their perch, the maps into falling into crumpled heaps that were soon buried by books. Soon, all that remained were the glowing eyes and the scraps of paper it had used as its body during its imprisonment. Lumi was chanting frantically, brandishing her incense stick like a weapon, in a way that looked truly alarming to someone who didn't know the routine. Somehow, this all had to be part of the spirit being drawn into the vessel, right?
The eyes dimmed and drooped, collapsing at Lumi’s feet. The papers swirled, much like they had in the lab whenever Evren was nearby. But they lost steam, turning from a tornado into a light breeze, which settled all too soon. Nothing and no one moved, and there wasn’t even the sound of breathing, as everyone waited until they were sure it was all over.
With great reluctance, Lumi turned around and handed the book to Evren, not meeting his gaze. He took it gently, patting the cover. ”So it’s over? It’s done?”
It took a few moments for her to finally speak. When she did, it was the words he had been afraid to hear, that struck at him like swords. “... I am so sorry, Evren.”
”What… what do you mean, you’re sorry? What happened? Why didn’t it work? Are you sure it didn’t work? Where did it go?” He looked around frantically, hoping for a rustle or a breeze, some sign that the spirit was still there with them. ”Hey! Hey, where are you hiding? It’s all okay! You’re safe, you can come out!”
“Evren, I’m sorry, but the transfer did not take hold.” She bent down to pick up the books that had been the spirit’s eyes, though they now showed no sign of the light they had held before. They were small, old books, with dark red covers stamped in black ink. “I suspect it was born from these. But its presence is no longer within these volumes, and it was not picked up by the yorishiro. It is gone.”
”But… but that doesn’t make any sense!” Evren pulled at his ponytail, trying to find something, anything, that could prove Lumi wrong. ”It can’t just be nowhere! If it’s not here and it’s not there… it, it must be hiding!” It couldn’t be hard for something with no physical form to hide. They just needed to find it, and try again.
About to argue, Lumi shook her head and gave the two books to Evren. “If you wish, look for it. Mr. Eriol, if you would please help me clean up the signs of our trespassing?”
Evren had almost forgotten that Eriol was even there. His friend looked shaken, but he nodded. ”Yeah, just tell me what you need.” Then he looked at Evren, looking crestfallen. ”Ev, I’m really sorry-”
”It’s okay. The spirit’s probably hiding. I’ll find it. But, um, could you take care of these for me?” He unloaded the old books and the yorishiro, heading back into the lab before anyone could stop him.
It wasn’t there.
It wasn’t anywhere.
The reading room was a mess of books and dingy confetti. The reference room window was still open, letting frigid air inside, as if he needed help to feel cold from head to toe. The children’s section was abnormally quiet, the colorful books dull and lifeless in the darkness.
Evren tried not to panic, to think rationally. He knew he hadn’t lost anything personal, that he was in over his head and doing his best with limited resources. But none of that mattered. The spirit had been counting on him, and in spite of finding a perfect solution, of making every arrangement he could think of, they had still failed.
He had failed.
He kept replaying their last conversation in his head. How he had encouraged the spirit to embrace its new life. Practically led it by the nose, if it had one. He had sounded so sure, even cocky. Where did he get off, trying to tell someone to claim a life he couldn’t even deliver?
Where did it get off, promising to see him in a later that would never come?
”You promised!” he yelled, knowing it was useless but too hurt to care. ”You said we were friends! That we’d see each other later! Well, it’s later, so where the hell are you, huh?”
Eriol and Lumi appeared at the door, the former perplexed, the latter angry. “Do you want to bring the police here? If so, by all means, keep shouting!”
But Evren didn’t even hear. ”Where are you hiding? You promised, remember? What happened to our deal? I did all of this for you, so you would have another chance! And, and what about your end? Afterward, you said, you were going to tell me what soul to use.” He reached into his coat pocket, fingers closing around the soul bottle. ”Well, it’s afterward! So where’s my answer?”
He pulled out the soul bottle and waved it around, hoping, madly, to shame the spirit into showing itself. Then he froze, too stunned to move, to think.
The bottle, which had been empty and clear, was full of a strange, thick mist. According to the letter, this was what it would look like when a soul had been captured. But the bottle had definitely been empty when he’d showed it to the spirit before-
”No. No, no, no.”
Evren dropped the bottle, letting it fall to the floor, where it rolled onto its side, showing off the cloth covering. Red, like the covers of the books. Cream and black, like the pages. It was a perfect match for the last soul he wanted to trap, worse than the worst-case scenario he’d imagined.
”No, no!” he repeated, each successive “no” louder than the last. ”No, this isn’t what I wanted! This isn’t what I meant! You know this isn’t what I meant!” Panic had morphed into outright hysteria, and he whirled around, trying to find some sort of explanation. His eyes lit on Lumi, and he dashed towards her, grabbing her by the hands. ”You can fix this! Put it back where it belongs! It’s not, it can’t be too late!”
Bewildered, Lumi pulled her hands away, peering around Evren to see what could have sparked this crazed behavior. When she spotted the filled soul bottle on the floor she gasped, covering her mouth, but not her horror. “Why would you bring that here? What could have possessed you?”
If he’d been more lucid, he would have explained that the spirit had asked him to bring it, that this project was what had bridged the understanding gap between them. Instead, he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook until Eriol pulled him away. ”Can you fix it or not?” he roared, his voice ragged from shouting.
“This isn’t exactly my area of expertise,” she shot back, though she was too shocked to do or say much else.
He needed an expert, then. Misao? But she didn’t know about soul bottles Raevans. He needed someone who understood, who had a chance of fixing his horrible mistake.
”Let’s go,” Evren snapped, snatching the bottle like it was a hot coal and dropping into his coat pocket. ”I’m not giving up yet. Not now. Not ever!”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:38 pm
Somehow, between the two of them, Eriol and Lumi managed to get everything packed up and out of the library. That included Evren, who had completely stopped responding to them, or doing anything other than staring ahead, his expression totally vacant. It was more than a little creepy.
Though he knew it was a fool's errand, considering the condition of the library, Eriol stayed behind to lock the door from the inside, taking Evren's route and leaving through the second story window he'd used. As he exited, he removed the strip of tape keeping the latch open. Maybe the library would find out someone had broken in, but they didn't have to find out how.
He landed on the ground again and took a bow, but his efforts went unnoticed. Evren was still looking totally blank, and Lumi was trying to hail a taxi, and being foiled by the total lack of cars on the street. When he tried to call to her, she simply ignored him and kept waving at imaginary cabbies.
After giving it five minutes, he chased her down and suggested they use a car service. They argued for a few more minutes on which one to use before Eriol gave up trying to make his case and made the call instead. As they waited for the car to arrive, a tired and frustrated Lumi tapped him on the shoulder. “Thank you for your assistance tonight, but I think you can go now.”
”Excuse me?”
“Your services are no longer required. Technically, they never were, but in this case…” She trailed off, then shrugged. “You can leave.”
Eriol snorted, but kept his volume low. ”Sure, I can leave. Ev and I don’t even know each other all that well. Which means I have no idea what he’ll do if he gets upset, and I’m not leaving him alone to deal with this.”
“He wouldn’t be alone,” Lumi pointed out. “I will stay with him until he understands what he has done.”
”And that scares me even more than seeing Ev flip out like this. So I’m not going anywhere until this thing gets settled. Got it?”
Lumi groaned, putting both hands over her eyes. “No wonder you’re friends. You’re sickeningly alike.”
Normally, Eriol would have taken that as a compliment, finding Evren a nice, fun dude to hang out with. Right then, though, he found it worrying. He was grateful for the arrival of the car, not just because it meant they were moving, but because it saved him from coming up with a reply.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:40 pm
As soon as everything was packed up, Eriol and Lumi dragged Evren out of the library. He gave them the address for their next stop, which got some eyebrow raising out of Lumi, and then he totally checked out of the conversation. Though he could hear them arguing, he didn’t care enough to try to make out the words, and wasn’t sure he’d be able to even if he wanted to.
A sharp gust of wind stung his face and hands, but he was too numb to notice much, for reasons that had nothing to do with the cold. He couldn’t see what was going on in front of him, or feel when he dropped the bag he’d been carrying, full of exorcism paraphernalia. All he could see was paper in his face, which turned into flurries of snow, which became strings of random characters that made no sense.
Nothing made any sense.
The wind blew harder, making Evren pull inside himself even more. He shrugged in his coat, thrusting his hands in his pockets. One hand hit paper, which was bad enough. The other hit the cold glass surface of the soul bottle. Shivering at the touch, he pulled the bottle out and held it in both hands. The mist was still there, swirling enticingly, promising everything he thought he wanted at a price he could never willingly pay.
It didn’t matter that the bottle was freezing cold, or that the spirit had no physical body in the way that humans did. To Evren, it felt like he was holding its beating heart in his hands. Like he’d been the one to rip it out of a hopeful, healthy person, putting an end to whatever their life could have been.
Hastily, he shoved the bottle back in his pocket, but that didn’t make the sensation of holding that once-living organ go away. No matter what he did, if he tried to make amends, or even got someone else to fix his mess, would he ever be anything other than a murderer? Could he go forward with his life, knowing that someone else had to sacrifice theirs for something so meaningless?
He didn’t know the answer, but it didn’t matter yet. There was time enough for him to figure it out, once he established exactly what the damage was. Until he had exhausted every possible means at his disposal, he couldn’t rest. He had to keep forging forward, even as he hated himself for doing it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:42 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:44 pm
He awoke on an unfamiliar couch, with no idea what was going on or where he might be.
For a while, all he could do was lay there, staring blankly at the ceiling. (It was blue. Who ever heard of a blue ceiling, anyway? All the ones he’d ever seen were white and boring. It had never even occurred to him to bother painting the ceiling.)
His mind continued to chatter away, protecting him from what it wasn’t ready to deal with yet. But slowly, one by one, fragments of the previous night began to enter his consciousness. He remembered talking to Mr. Fisch, meeting his Raevan. Lumi was there, and Eriol. And the library, lit only by the soft glow of the moon through the windows, and the candles used in the ceremony. He could see the spirit in all its grandeur, gathering books and papers from all over the library to create a form it felt truly satisfied with.
As he mulled this over, he casually turned his head to the side, trying to take in his surroundings. The couch was enormous, with plenty of room for him to lie down, and seemed to be made of green corduroy. The walls of the room were blue, like the ceiling, but painted to resemble a cloudy sky. There was an armchair nearby, brown and old and comfortable-looking, and a long coffee table in front of him, covered with books. On the very top, above a white cloth bundle, the soul bottle caught his reflection in its dark, swirling surface, giving him a clear look at his shock as it turned into horror and regret all over again.
His breath caught in his throat, and he had to work hard to start breathing properly again. ”Oh god,” he managed to groan, wrapping his arms around his head to spare him the sight of his failure. ”How the hell did it come to this?”
The memories streamed in faster now, pulled along by his panic. He recalled the well-meaning yet boneheaded choices he made, the way everything spectacularly fell apart, the apparent impossibility of fixing his mistakes. He heard himself at his most frantic, somehow finding peace in the hope for a brighter future.
Where was that peace now? Why did he feel, yet again, like he’d not only caused irreparable harm to a being he’d only been trying to help, but he’d stomped on his own values and beliefs just to make it stick?
”I should have tried,” he muttered to himself, his voice sounding muffled even to him. ”Trying and failing is better than not trying at all.” This was one of the tenets of heroism. Only those who tried were able to succeed. Those who didn’t have the courage to do that much were doomed to failure from the start. He only had himself to blame for this.
But if he’d tried, and failed, that would have been the end of the story, and a hell of a downer end at that. Now, maybe this story was over, but its sequel was already beginning-
”It wouldn’t have failed. Not if we tried!” This, too, was something all the hero shows he’d ever been in preached: that if everyone tried their hardest, miracles would happen. It was some sort of equation, he figured: effort times belief times perseverance equaled impossible outcomes, each part multiplying the others past what any would be able to do on their own. That was how the world worked, right? It had to be how the world worked, and he’d chickened out instead of following through.
Not that the world had been doing a great job so far with that little mathematical principle. Maybe it could be applied to his discovery of the Lab after every other adoption project had rejected him, but it had all been downhill from there. If effort and belief and perseverance were all it took to solve any problem, the exorcism wouldn’t have failed. Or at least it wouldn’t have left the spirit in such a precarious position, on a not-so-metaphorical executioner’s block at the mercy of people who seemed incapable of understanding it, or caring enough to try.
Maybe the choice was the best one he could have made, under the circumstances. But no matter what he told Mr. Fisch and Vesna, no matter what he tried to tell himself, he knew that nothing would take the bitterness out of it. He would always wonder, always question himself, always hate that it had come to that point at all.
Would he ever be able to get over this? Even if he found himself moving forward, would he end up pulling these burdens along with him for the rest of his life?
He thought about it. And thought some more. Before he came up with an answer, he was asleep again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:46 pm
The next time Evren opened his eyes, he found himself face to face with a whale.
At first he thought he must still be asleep. It had to be a dream, or some sort of stress-induced hallucination. Under the circumstances, that was totally understandable. Forgivable, even if none of his other actions were.
Except when he closed his eyes and opened them again, the whale was still there, and he let out a strangled sort of squawk. Apparently he’d gone straight past dreams into outright delusion. He reached out with one hand, expecting it to meet nothing but air. Instead, there was a moment of wetness, like he’d brushed his hand through a thick mist, and then smooth, slick skin.
Someone giggled, and Evren whipped his head around. Viviana was sitting in the armchair, her arms wrapped around her knees. She ducked her head when she saw him looking at her, but the giggles didn’t stop.
Before he could ask what was going on, Eriol came into the room, wearing a green apron with streaks of flour around the pockets. He looked at Evren, then Viviana, and finally at the whale. ”Is that any way to treat a guest?”
The whale didn’t react, but Viviana did, pouting and reaching towards the couch. As if in response to her movement, the whale swam towards her - through the air - and the two disappeared down the hall. ”Sorry,” Eriol apologized with a shrug. ”They were probably just curious. Didn’t mean any harm by it.”
”It’s fine,” Evren replied automatically, mostly relieved that he didn’t seem to be in the middle of a mental breakdown after all. ”Is this your place?” It wasn’t quite what he would have expected, had he ever tried to make a mental image of the place. What sort of real people had the sky painted on their walls?
”You passed out in the cab. Nothing I did got you to wake up, and I wasn’t about to dump you on the street, so…” He shrugged again and sat on one arm of the couch. ”How’re you feeling?”
There was no good answer to that question, so Evren remained silent.
Eriol’s exasperation was clear, from the way he sucked in his breath, the way he folded his arms crossly. ”You did the best you could, Ev. Stop killing yourself over this. You really can’t afford to. You’re not the only one you’ve gotta look out for now.”
Yeah, Evren thought gloomily. He was doing a great job with that so far. But Eriol’s words did spark a question, and since he supposed he couldn’t stay quiet all day, he voiced it. ”How did you know you were ready for kids?”
Caught off guard, Eriol looked blank, then thoughtful as he considered the matter. ”When Vivi was three, she got sick. I mean really sick. I was so scared she was gonna die, but I just did the best I could to take care of her, you know, keep her spirits up. I couldn’t show her how scared I was, or she’d be scared too, and then she wouldn’t be able to fight it. I mean, she got better in the end, obviously, but I was terrified. Afterwards, I figured, if I can get us through something like that, I can get us through whatever the world throws at us. That’s probably when I knew I was ready.”
”But that happened after you already had her,” Evren protested.
Looking at him like he was an idiot, Eriol nodded. ”Well, duh.”
”No! I mean…” What did he mean? What was he trying to figure out? ”Like… how did you know you wanted to do this?”
Serious again, Eriol leaned back a little. ”I think what you’re really asking is why I wanted a kid. And that’s something I can’t answer. For one thing, that’s none of your business. For another, I didn’t really get a choice in the matter.”
Something clicked in Evren’s mind. Eriol’s age, and Viviana’s, and the presence of the tiny whale. ”She’s a boomer.”
”A what?”
”Never mind.” It was interesting, but not really important right then. ”But you still had a choice, right? I mean, you could have found someone else to… so why…?”
Eriol snorted. ”Don’t think I wasn’t tempted, back then. I was practically a kid myself. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, and I figured she’d be better with anybody else.” He didn’t appear to be concerned that Viviana might overhear. Possibly this was all ground that had been covered before.
Holding his breath, Evren got to the heart of the matter: ”What changed your mind?”
”She did.” He grinned, the happy smile of a proud parent. ”I know it sounds like a cop out answer, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, it was tough. It still is tough. But she made me a better, more thoughtful person just by being who she is. How could I not want that?”
It sounded so wonderful. For a few moments, Evren was reminded why he’d started this journey in the first place. He didn’t want to just spend his life with a couple of houseplants and a magical reindeer. He wanted to give himself to someone else, to make their life better, and be made better by their very existence. No plant or pet could fully accomplish that, and no date would give him the fulfillment he sought.
Then doubt and fear clouded over his resolve, and he covered his head with his arms again. ”I screwed it up so bad, though…”
He was expecting criticism, or maybe well-meant but ineffective platitudes. He was not expecting Eriol to break out into huge, hearty laughter. ”Seriously, Ev,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. ”Being a parent is all about how you handle things when you screw up. That’s basically the entire job. I mean, yeah, you try your best - you’ve already got that part down pat - and then try not to fold when everything goes to hell. Because it will, no matter how well you think you’ve planned. Sometimes you can fix things. And sometimes, well, sometimes you gotta just pick up the pieces and keep going.”
It made sense. It sounded about right. But Evren still wasn’t convinced that this was something he could do. He was stuck in a loop, his anxiety over what had happened making him anxious about what lay ahead, and the fact that he was anxious making him more anxious still. If he’d failed this much, this fast, what did that mean for the future? Could he really be trusted to live up to the role he’d tried to claim for himself?
”I... “ How could he explain to someone who hadn’t botched their very first trial? Who was effortlessly doing what he would never be capable of? ”If I try my best, and it still doesn’t work, what’s the point? I just, it’s obvious I can’t do it-”
”Oh, shut up, Ev,” Eriol interrupted, scowling fiercely. ”I get it, okay? You ******** things up and now you think that’s all you can do. Well, you’re wrong. I can’t prove it to you, and you have no reason to believe me, but I’m right and you’re wrong, and you’ll save yourself a lot of headaches if you just accept that right now. Okay?”
There was total silence. Evren looked stunned, like he’d been hit. He felt like he’d been hit. His mind tried to wrap itself around this new idea, but even considering it threatened to rip apart everything he thought he knew.
So instead, he sat up, shaky from lingering exhaustion, and put his shoes back on. ”I should really go.”
Eriol’s expression shifted from anger and impatience to remorse. ”Ev, I didn’t mean-”
”It’s fine.” That was a lie, and a blatant one at that, but he couldn’t explain what the problem was when he didn’t really know himself. He just really didn’t want to be there anymore, and he had other matters to attend to, anyway. ”Thanks for all your help, and the couch and everything.” Carefully, he picked up the soul bottle and the bundle of books, placing both in his backpack.
”Ev, wait.” But he didn’t move, didn’t try to stop Evren from leaving. Maybe he didn’t feel he had the right.
”I’ll… I’ll see you around.” Evren smiled, obviously forcing it, to the point his cheeks actually hurt. Luckily, he only had to contort his face long enough to get down the hall and out the door. There, he could succumb to his misery in peace.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:48 pm
Misao was meditating, sitting with her legs tucked under her, in a pose Evren would later learn was called seiza. She was out on the wooden walkway that wrapped around the main temple building - the engawa - and was wearing a thick, padded coat - a hanten - over her everyday clothes. Everything about this new world he’d stumbled upon, he would find out, had a name and a meaning beyond what he knew.
Not that he cared about names right then. And there was no meaning he could discern in what had happened. He wasn’t there to explain, but to apologize. It was, after everything she had done to try to help him, the least he could do.
So he was surprised when she said, without opening her eyes, ”I am sorry.”
Evren hadn’t spoken yet. He hadn’t even joined her on the engawa. Now he spluttered, his carefully worded apology completely forgotten. ”You’re sorry? Why?”
”Because the information I gave you spurred you to take action, and those actions caused you great distress.” Now she did open her eyes, looking at Evren sadly, though she made no move towards him. ”That was never my intention, and I am sorry for it.”
If anything, the apology made Evren feel worse than he already did. ”No! I mean, I’m the one who should be sorry. I mean, I am sorry, that’s why I came. You did so much to help me, and I screwed it all up! I wasted all your effort, and your time, and-”
”Hush, Evren.” There was enough force behind her words that he did just that, yet in spite of that, she didn’t seem upset with him. That was a trick Lumi had yet to learn. Or one she didn’t care to. ”May I see?”
She didn’t specify what she was looking for, but she didn’t really have to. Evren put his backpack on the engawa and pulled the soul bottle out. As an afterthought, he also took the bundle of books, putting both in front of Misao for her to examine as she liked.
The bottle caught her attention immediately, and held it for several moments, but she didn’t reach for it. She did take the bundle, unwrapping it in her lap and carefully examining both the would-be yorishiro and the volumes that had comprised the spirit’s main body. Evren stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt, not knowing what more to say. Finally, she set the books down and held her hands out to Evren. ”I did warn you that the spirit would have to make this decision.”
”It did! I mean, they did. They told me that they would see me afterward. That means they wanted to live, and I-”
This time all she did was hold up her hand, and Evren stopped automatically. ”I know the basic facts of what happened already.” Lumi, it seemed, had beaten him there. Or Misao was psychic. He wasn’t going to put it past her. ”You do not owe me an explanation. However, I feel I owe you one. Please, sit.” She patted the space next to her, smiling approvingly as Evren kicked his shoes off before climbing up to join her. ”You pick things up quickly.”
”Obviously not,” Evren muttered, not wanting to contradict her, but unwilling - or unable - to take any kind of compliment right then.
As if she didn’t hear, Misao continued. ”Yes, you have many fine characteristics. You have a big heart, that much is clear. You try to make educated decisions, and are able to admit when you’re wrong. You’re not too proud to ask for help when you need it, and you are committed to helping those who need your assistance. All of these are wonderful virtues.”
Rather than bolstering his self-confidence, Evren felt every compliment stabbing into him like a dagger to the back. What did any of that matter if he couldn’t get the job done when it counted most? Trying wasn’t enough. Having a big heart just meant that there was more to hurt. And the talk of commitment was a laugh, considering the way he was backing away from the decision he’d needed to be led to by the nose the night before.
”But these traits will only take you so far.” That, at least, was something he could agree with. ”You can have the best intentions in the world, the best ideas, the best people. None of that will do you any good if the one you seek to help rejects your plan.”
If only it were that simple. Not that it wouldn’t have been heartbreaking, if the spirit had stubbornly gone down with the ship, but at least then it wouldn’t have been his fault.
No, that would have been his fault too. If alternate-Evren had been more persuasive, alternate-spirit would have been convinced that the plan was the only real option. And then alternate-Evren would be actual-Evren, totally responsible and totally incapable. There was just no escaping that.
It seemed Misao was waiting for some sort of response, so he sighed and shook his head. ”They told me they would answer my questions after the ceremony. That means they were going to go through with it, or there wouldn’t be an after.”
”Possibly. But not necessarily. It is hard to be certain of anything when dealing with yōkai, but given the circumstances, I can say with some confidence that, had the spirit truly agreed, the ceremony would have been a success.”
Evren felt his heart stop, then start beating faster. ”But…” That was impossible. It made no sense, it hurt to think about, and it sent his thoughts into a tailspin. ”Why didn’t it work?”
”That I cannot tell you for sure. Perhaps the spirit was having second thoughts, and this uncertainty made it vulnerable to your soul-gathering device. Perhaps they wanted to end their own existence, or were already dying, and you gathered their soul after they had succumbed. Or,” she went on, her voice shifting slightly, making Evren pay closer attention, ”perhaps they truly wanted what you were offering.”
”But they did, that’s what I was saying-” Once again, he was silenced by a raised hand, but the chatter in his mind didn’t stop. It was starting to make him feel physically ill.
”The yorishiro was not the only offer you made,” Misao said. The weight of her gaze was crushing him, but he couldn’t look away. ”You also spoke of another path forward. A new existence, one where they wouldn’t be persecuted simply for being what they were. An opportunity to make themselves heard by everyone, not just the few who can communicate with the spiritual world. Such an offer could tempt anyone.”
Evren still didn’t understand. He stared blankly, as Misao reached over and finally picked up the soul bottle. His eyes slowly widened as comprehension dawned, and he recoiled in shock. ”Are you saying that the spirit got sucked into the bottle… on purpose?”
She shrugged lightly, almost nonchalantly, as if such a thing didn’t matter. ”I am saying it’s a possibility. More importantly, I am saying that you don’t know what they decided, so you have no reason to take that burden onto yourself.”
This was where he had to draw the line. Granted, Misao knew way more about spirits than he ever would, but she couldn’t actually expect him to shrug off responsibility for this, could she? ”I won’t run away from my mistakes,” he said gravely. ”You don’t need to sugarcoat things for me. I know it’s my fault.” Odd, that she was trying to comfort him in that way. Certainly, Lumi made no secret of the fact that he’d royally screwed up.
For the first time since he’d met her, Misao looked annoyed. Evren wondered if she was going to yell at him, like Eriol, but when she spoke again, her tone was calm, conversational, even a little careless. ”What purpose does fault play here?”
As chastisement went, that was kind of… not it at all. ”Huh?”
”If the spirit did choose this path, would you blame them for it?”
”Of course not,” Evren replied impatiently. That was totally different. He would never fault them for making a choice, but all he had done was take that choice away.
”Of course not,” Misao repeated. ”And you did not think, even for a moment, that perhaps Lumi made a mistake, and that caused this to happen. Or your librarian friend. Or me, even.”
Was she trying to bait him? To what end? ”I’m not about to blame one of you for my screwups. You did your best to help, and I-”
Misao’s eyes narrowed, and she pounced on his words like a hungry cat on a mouse. ”Did you not do your best?”
Her meaning was obvious, and Evren couldn’t look at her when he answered, gazing out into the garden instead. ”Sometimes doing your best isn’t good enough.” It hurt, admitting that, but he couldn’t deny it anymore.
”But it was good enough for us?”
Why was she doing this? He wanted to leave, like he’d left Eriol’s when the questions became unbearable. For some reason, he found himself unable to walk away from Misao that way. Not that he had an answer for her. All he could do was stare at the greenery in front of him, wishing it would calm him the way it had during his first visit.
”Why do you hold yourself to different standards?” she persisted, not willing to let up. ”Why do you insist on shouldering this blame? What purpose does it serve?”
He didn’t mean to snap, not at someone who’d shown him nothing but kindness, but the words were out before he realized what he was saying. ”I have to recognize what I did wrong if I’m ever going to get things right!” He glared at her, though the one he was really angry with was, of course, himself.
Misao didn’t seem perturbed by his outburst. If anything, she was encouraged by it, and her questions kept rolling. ”So you don’t plan on learning from this experience?”
”Of course I do! That’s why-”
”That’s why you beat yourself up over it? Because you are unable to learn without torturing yourself?”
She was twisting his words, and he hated it. ”No, that’s not what I-”
”No?” she repeated, raising her hands in mock surprise. ”Well then, you have yet to sell me on what purpose this blame serves. It doesn’t shield your allies, it doesn’t aid the one you feel you’ve wronged, and all it brings you is pain and remorse. So why do you cling to it so tightly?” He looked away, unable to answer, but she didn’t relent. ”Why do you focus on this, instead of on the future? Why do you guard it? Treasure it? Embrace it?”
”Because if I don’t feel bad, that makes me more of a terrible person than I already am!”
Evren buried his face in his hands, trying not to let the tears he could feel welling up spill over. He didn’t deserve to cry over this. All he wanted to do was hold onto what little remained of his self-image. He was terrible, he knew he was, but because he accepted that, rather than denying it, he could at least avoid adding apathy and deception to his list of crimes. The only thing he could feel confident about was the fact that he recognized just how awful he was, instead of running away from it.
He tensed when he felt pressure on his back. Misao put one arm around him and leaned him over, so his head was resting on her collarbone. ”Shhhhh,” she murmured, stroking his hair. It was a little much from someone he barely knew, but he had no energy to pull away, and no real desire to. It didn’t make the guilt go away, but it was still soothing in a way he couldn’t quite find words for.
”I can’t tell you that you’re not this terrible person you think you are. Not in a way that you’ll believe me. That’s something you need to sort out for yourself.” Or she was just trying to be nice, trying not to hurt him more than he already was. That, he figured, was far more likely. ”You’ve constructed this image in your head, and only you can defeat it. But I can tell you this: no one else sees you that way.”
”Lumi does,” Evren muttered, before it occurred to him that Misao probably wouldn’t like hearing her granddaughter criticized. Though, was it really criticism, if he thought she was the only one who had it right?
He could feel Misao let out a long breath. ”Lumi has her own issues to deal with. Some of those have bled over into this case. I would tell you not to take it personally, but I doubt you’ll listen. So at least know that she has reasons for behaving the way she does, and her reasons don’t all trace back to you.”
As she expected, he didn’t really buy that. Not that it mattered. He was pretty sure Mr. Fisch thought he was awful too, talking big about finding a soul without killing anything, and then coming to his home in the middle of the night after everything went wrong.
”Accountability and blame are not the same thing,” Misao went on. ”By all means, take stock of your actions and learn from them. But don’t let this poison your dreams. If you spend all your time partaking in emotional self-harm, you will only compound your mistakes. And if you’re not careful, you will sabotage the rebirth of the one you were trying to help.”
That, at least, had some truth in it. He knew he had to look forward, to plan for who the spirit was going to become. But how could he do that when it was his fault things had come to this point? Did he have the right to make those decisions? To be the guardian for one whose life he had ended?
”I’m sorry,” he murmured, pulling away from her embrace. ”I can’t-”
”You can’t make any decisions right now. Not when you’re still upset, still confused. Think about what I said, and about what you truly want for the future. And know you can consult me anytime, about anything. I’m here to help.” She patted him on the shoulder, but gave him the space he needed.
”Why?” The question slipped out before he even thought about it, but he really needed to know. Why would she care so much for someone she didn’t know? Someone who made a mess of things, who would only bring pain?
Misao smiled gently, but it didn’t reach her eyes. ”Because we all make mistakes. And because I want to. What reason do you need for helping people?”
Did he really help people, or was he just kidding himself? Evren knew he needed to take a long, hard look at himself. Did this taint his other efforts, or had they been tainted for years without him noticing? What if everything he’d built for himself, and others, was a pack of lies?
”I should leave,” he announced, unable to do that sort of soul searching with an audience. ”But thank you for everything. Truly.” Even if he didn’t believe half of it, he was touched that she would go so far to try to help him. She was a real hero. He was a fraud.
She patted his shoulder once more before letting him go. ”Remember, you cannot make decisions for others. Think about what you want to accomplish, and the rest will come.”
It sounded good. Hopeful, even.
So why did he feel far worse leaving than he had when he’d arrived?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:50 pm
For the first time he could remember, Evren was actually glad to get back to his dark, dreary apartment. The gloom and solitude matched his feelings pretty well, and while it still didn’t feel good to be there, at least nobody would call him out on his stupid mistake. And if he didn’t feel too thrilled, well, that was fine too. He didn’t deserve to be happy, not anymore. Maybe not ever again.
Max was happy to see him, as usual, scampering over as soon as the door opened and running between his legs. Evren’s typical reaction to this was to drop whatever he was carrying and scoop the Kin up into a hug, or at least to reach down and give a quick scratch behind the horns. This time, he froze. Seeking comfort in any form felt wrong, like he was trying to escape his misdeeds. But denying Max affection and care was equally wrong. This was his problem, and he couldn’t make things worse by inflicting his issues on others.
In the end, he settled for giving a half-hearted pat on the head as he moved inside. Judging from the way Max followed him, it wasn’t enough, but he didn’t feel comfortable doing more. Maybe it was time to start thinking of boarding Max at the lake. Or maybe it was time to find Max a new home, with someone who was actually capable of taking care of others. If he was lucky, they’d take the plants too. Leaving anything in his care was dangerous.
He did give them water, though, and blow the dust off the essence jar. As an afterthought, he dug the soul bottle out of his backpack and set it next to the jar, wondering if putting the two together would have some sort of effect. In that respect, he was disappointed. The mist kept on swirling, the eclipse kept on eclipsing, and that was about all. Apparently, nothing would come of this until he returned both containers to the Lab. After which point, it wouldn’t be any of his business anymore. If he couldn’t be trusted with a plant, there was no way in hell he would be able to handle an actual person.
Everything he’d done in the past couple of weeks was all for nothing. The only results had been death, pain, and suffering, and the only silver lining, if one could call it that, was that now he knew just how rotten he really was. The whole hero thing was just an act, and a shoddy one at that. But now he knew, and he could salvage a tiny fragment of the image he’d aspired to by ending the charade before anyone else was hurt by his carelessness.
As he grabbed a snack from the fridge, Evren began to plan his new life. All of those volunteer gigs would have to go, for starters. Who knew what kind of damage he’d already unknowingly done in the name of helping others? It would be easy to avoid going back to the library; after all of this, he didn’t really want to set foot in there ever again. Ceasing his activities at the senior center could be harder. And the ninja classes - those would hurt. But he had to stop now, before he could make matters worse. It was only a matter of time.
And what about his job? Playing a hero now, after coming to this realization, would make him a monster. Even if it was all an act, he had no right to even jokingly assume that role. Not that he had any other ideas for how to earn a living. Most tasks he knew how to perform involved other people. Was there any way to support himself without having to see another human being for the rest of his life? In the age of the internet, of online shopping and free delivery, he supposed it was possible. He could find an online job, get everything he needed sent to his home… but even if they were separated by a screen, that still involved interaction with other people, and that could not be allowed.
His thoughts grew darker from there, as he went through the motions of eating, taking a shower, and getting ready for bed. None of which were important tasks, but he didn’t know what else to do with himself, and it was easy to get lost in routine and let his mind focus on questions he’d never considered before.
Wondering how to cut himself out of the lives of those he cared about, to save them from the menace he’d become - or had always been - without hurting them in any way. There had to be a way to convince them that they were better off without him. It was the truth, and even if it wasn’t, he was a deceitful, hurtful being who’d have no trouble bending words to get what he wanted.
Wondering if there was a way to get himself sent to prison for what he’d done, so that at least he’d be locked up, unable to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting populace. At least that way, the only people he’d have access to were other criminals, who probably deserved to be punished too. Maybe not as much as he did, since he was the lowest of the low, but it was better than any of the alternatives he could think of.
Wondering if there was even a point to living like that. If there was a point to living at all. Could the plans he was making for himself truly be called life? Did he need to go the extra mile, to cling to an existence that was fading by the second? Did he even have the right to try?
Sleep, when it came, was a relief, oblivion far less terrifying than his own mind had become.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:52 pm
Evren woke to sun on his face, the matter of curtains pushed aside in favor of Operation: Spirit Rescue. And how very well that had turned out. There was really nothing he could actually keep his word about, was there?
He waited for the rest of his consciousness to agree, for the ideas and concerns in his head to gang up on him again, as they had the night before. Everything he’d thought was true. He’d been all set to wake up and set about severing the ties that connected him to all the people and places and events he referred to as his life.
The drive for self-punishment that had been so strong the night before was almost completely gone. It wasn’t that he felt better about what happened, or that he thought he wasn’t in the wrong. But in the light of day, he could see that most of his brainstorms had been gross overreactions, and many were impossible to boot. There was no way for him to completely cut himself away from his family, not without hurting them, which was the last thing he wanted to do. And total isolation, to the point of only interacting with machines, sounded ridiculous.
But he wasn’t able to dismiss the ideas entirely. He remembered what it felt like, to be so convinced of his evil nature, his potential for total destruction, so even though he didn’t find it as realistic after a good night’s sleep, he couldn’t banish it to a corner of his mind, either.
The result was confusion, far more severe and far more encompassing than any he’d experienced up to that point. Evren didn’t know what he was supposed to do, what he wanted to do, what he was able to do. He didn’t know who to talk to or even if talking was something he was allowed to try. His own identity was shattered, and he had no idea of where to start picking up the pieces, or if it was a good idea to do so.
If he really was a monster, was this his chance to tear that part of him away and begin anew?
Was that even possible, without hiding and avoiding the truth of his guilt?
In some ways, this was worse than seeing himself as the worst human being in all of existence. At least then, he’d had some grasp of who he was, much as he despised what he saw. He’d been able to figure out some actions to take to minimize the havoc he wrought, and had almost come to a place of peace, albeit the sort of peace one finds after they give up hope. Now, he didn’t even have that. He had nothing but a vicious whirlwind of thoughts bashing into each other, none of which seemed to relate, none of which gave him the slightest bit of guidance.
What did you do when the world as you knew it was gone, and you along with it?
Evren stared at the ceiling. Then, for lack of any better ideas - lack of any ideas at all - he curled into a ball under the covers and waited. For what, he wasn’t sure. He still hadn’t figured it out when he fell asleep once more.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
