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 Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2016 6:14 pm
Michael shook his head, not upset by what Caspian was saying or the guesses that he was making, but it was difficult for him to really say if he even had a favorite color any more. He couldn’t remember if he’d had a favorite color to begin with. He was sure that he did, once long ago, but now…
“It’s not black and white any more. Not with you here,” he acknowledged softly, although it wasn’t clear if he was responding to Caspian or just talking to himself. He pulled his hand away from Caspian’s hair when Caspian sat back up.
“Alright, your majesty,” he said, but there was more amusement in his voice than anything else, doing as he was told and taking the time to sit more fully on the bed so he could lay down on his side for now, watching Caspian and trying to decipher the expression on his face.
“You should at least bandage your hand,” he pointed out, not yet forgetting that Caspian had drawn him away from the bathroom before he was completely tended to, despite Michael’s initial protest.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 4:52 pm
He opened his mouth, shut it again, and felt the heat once more in his cheeks. It almost seemed a permanent stain now, a hot flush that confused him; but the things that Michael kept saying -
You always know what to say.
Why do you always make me feel this way?
“I’ll bandage it later,” Caspian promised, kneeling down beside the bed. He folded his arms atop it, resting his chin on them to look at Michael. “Don’t worry.”
He wanted to reach out and smooth his own fingers through Michael’s hair, but resisted, instead just smiling at him. The cool glow from the moonlight stretched across the semi-dark room, casting a silvery glow to everything; he hadn’t bothered to actually turn on any lights, since he hadn’t felt a need to.
The room around them felt very quiet.
“Are you...happy, Michael?” Caspian asked softly, barely above a whisper. “I mean... I know you worry about me, and you take care of me...but are you...happy, being friends with me?”
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 5:29 pm
He couldn’t see the flush in Caspian’s cheeks, not really, not with how dark the room was. But he could hear something in his voice. That piece of uncertainty that seemed to come around every now and then when they talked. Even when they didn’t talk, Caspian’s expression would sometimes adopt a sad, lonely quality to it. Michael didn’t know why, but it always made his heart ache.
There was a frown of concern on his face as Caspian decided to kneel down beside the bed. He was being too accommodating for someone like Michael. Someone who didn’t know what they were doing, or if they were going to end up making things worse.
Michael wanted to say he was happy. He wanted to immediately reassure Caspian that this… new… unexpected friendship made him happy, because that was what Caspian wanted to hear. It was probably what Caspian needed to hear.
But Michael also wanted to be honest with him. It was the least he could do. He’d tried his best to not make things seem as though he was just saying things.
“I don’t know,” he said, and immediately regretted that he didn’t lead with an explanation. “I’m not sure what happiness feels like, Cas.”
Maybe it was happiness that he felt when he was around Caspian. He definitely liked being around him, which was surprising for Michael to enjoy doing just about anything other than sailing. Michael wasn’t used to the idea of having a friend, or being a friend, and had no idea if what he was doing was wrong or right. He knew he wanted to protect him and didn’t want him to be lonely, but…
“I like being able to see colors again,” he continued softly after a few moments, trying to understand his own feelings. He didn’t dare ask Caspian if he was happy with him as a friend, knowing he was probably pretty miserable at it. After all, he couldn’t even say that he was happy.
It made him feel ashamed, and he pulled his eyes away from Caspian’s face, not wanting to see the pain he was sure he’d caused.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 5:40 pm
He opened his mouth and then shut it again, because it was not an answer he had expected. In fact, it was like being doused with icy water, and for a few seconds, a mixture of hurt and stunned disbelief had crossed Caspian’s face as he lifted his head, visibly drawing back.
I’m not sure what happiness is.
Something twisted in Caspian’s stomach; he wasn’t sure what it was, whether pleasant or unpleasant, whether sad or something else, whether it was a mixture of everything all at once.
I like being able to see colors again.
He wasn’t aware of moving. He wasn’t aware of pushing himself up, of half climbing onto the bed, one knee beside Michael. Caspian bent over him, taking his face between his hands, forcing him to look up at him, and there was a blazing look of what might have been anger on Caspian’s face.
”This,” he said fervently, ”This, right here, Michael. This is happiness. Being on that boat, I saw you. I saw your smiles, and the fact that you let go enough to actually laugh. That’s happiness. Feeling the way I do when I get to be around you, that’s happiness. You not shutting me out - you continuing to see me, continuing to be friends with me, even though you weren’t sure in the beginning - maybe it’s not happiness yet, but if you let yourself, it could be.”
The fingers on either side of Michael’s face were trembling ever so slightly. Caspian felt removed from himself, as though someone else had taken ahold of him, his face flushed.
“It’s okay, you know,” he said, and his voice was quieter, almost desperate. “It’s okay to let yourself be happy. No one’s going to punish you for it. No one’s going to say that just because you have...whatever it is in your past, that you can’t be happy now.”
Caspian swallowed hard. “It’s okay to let me in, Michael.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 6:40 pm
Michael might have expected Caspian to withdraw from him, to maybe ask him to leave since he was unable to feel happy around him, so clearly it was a bad decision to be around him. He might have expected Caspian to look hurt and closed off, maybe yell at him for being pathetic.
But what Caspian did, Michael had no way to predict it. He should have known, seeing as he often thought about how unpredictable Caspian could be. Michael realized that unpredictability was probably only because Caspian had closed himself off from who he really was, afraid of being hurt. Not wanting people like Michael to break his heart.
Blue eyes widened in alarm, not just at the movements, but the expression on Caspian’s face. For a moment, Michael wondered if Caspian was going to hit him, despite not having ever shown any violent tendencies before, but he didn’t know how far he’d pushed him. He didn’t think Caspian would be capable of that, but he also didn’t know him as well as he would have liked.
And then Michael’s face was between Caspian’s hands, and he stared up at him, his heart beating much too quickly in his chest. He made no movement to stop Caspian, but instead let him do as he wanted, although his eyes were still wide with shock.
This is happiness.
The words Caspian was saying hit him harder than he could have ever anticipated. Caspian pointing out how he’d very clearly enjoyed himself out on the boat with him, being friends with him, how Caspian felt when he was with him.
And then that quiet, desperate reassurance.
It’s okay.
To Michael, it felt as though those quiet words, and the firm but gentle, trembling grasp of Caspian’s hands on his face, was enough to absolve him of his sins and his failures.
Something broke.
He couldn’t stop it. With Caspian there above him, his warm hands on his face, there was nothing Michael could do to stop something from breaking inside him. He could feel his chest tighten, and his breath hitch, his expression shifting from surprise to something he didn’t want Caspian to see, but also couldn’t bring himself to pull away.
He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this care and concern and quiet understanding, this determination to stay by him. In the darkness, the image of Caspian and the room around them blurred, his eyes suddenly feeling too moist. He was scared that he wouldn’t be able to live up to whatever it was that Caspian saw in him.
Michael couldn’t bring himself to do anything or say anything, afraid his voice would give away the sudden overpowering emotions he felt, hoping that the darkness would prevent Caspian from realizing just how much those gentle words had affected him.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 6:51 pm
The air around them felt thick, felt tense; as though one wrong movement would send them falling off the edge into nothingness. Caspian’s breath was stuck in his throat, and breathing felt painful; his chest was too tight for his heart, which kept slamming violently against his chest in erratic beats. His hands were shaking a little more obviously now, but he kept them where they were, framing Michael’s face.
A myriad of emotions shifted across. Stunned disbelief, followed by surprise, followed by several other things that were a little more painful, a little sad, a little softer around the edges.
The silence stretched out. Moonlight fell in silvery shards around them, little flickers of light from the mobile above their heads as it swayed and bobbed beneath the ceiling fan. Every now and then, a little moonbeam of silver would fall across one of their faces, shadows stretching out. A glimpse of emotion, a heartbeat of feeling, a whisper of happiness that was so fragile it ached.
Caspian smoothed his thumbs over Michael’s face, slid them down to his jaw and back up again, feeling a faint roughness there.
“Michael,” he whispered, and he bent his head, his forehead resting against Michael’s, his eyes closed. It was too close, he knew this, but he also knew, on some instinctive level, that Michael would not want him to see the expression on his face, of which Caspian had caught only a brief look of.
It hurts when you hurt.
His breathing was unsteady. Caspian bit his lip, his eyes staying shut.
“It’s all right,” he whispered. “I’m here.”
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 6:20 am
This was stupid. He was a grown man. He shouldn’t be feeling things as powerfully as he was feeling them now. He hadn’t felt these things in years, if ever. He wasn’t used to this. Part of him didn’t want this because he was afraid he would break it. He would fail again and he didn’t want to have to find a way to pull himself back up. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to handle everything that was suddenly coming to the surface, as if the dam keeping his emotions in check had suddenly broken down.
Michael couldn’t move. If he moved he might not be able to stop himself. And yet, Caspian was still there. Gentle and understanding, a little unsure about himself, but stronger in ways that Michael couldn’t help but admire.
Caspian, the most unlikely person to make him feel the way he did, to forgive him for things that he didn’t even know about, to open himself up to the possibility of being hurt, but still willing to take that risk.
Why? Why hadn’t he been able to push Caspian away all those weeks ago? Why did he have to be stubborn, and reckless, and obnoxious, and unpredictable, and so very kind to someone who was a complete jerk to him? Why did Caspian have to be so trusting and compassionate when he didn’t know anything about him?
Michael felt Caspian shift closer to him, their foreheads touching so that Caspian was too close to be able to see the sudden shifting of expressions on his face. His fingers gripped into the sheets below him, stopping himself from reaching up to Caspian, stopping the urge to put his arms around him and pull him close.
He was afraid. He was a coward, and his breath hitched again on a silent sob, his heart beat erratically in his chest, and, to his horror, a few tears slipped out to pool against Caspian’s hands as he gently grasped his face. Michael squeezed his eyes shut then, as if that would somehow stop any more, but he was so overwhelmed with this open, pure acceptance from Caspian that he couldn’t help it.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 7:22 am
He was not about to move.
Caspian wasn’t even sure he could move, not when he could sense the shifting of emotions inside of Michael, not when he was afraid that the wrong move would result in him being pushed away or rejected. There was a rigid tension in the man below him, as though he was trying desperately not to let himself be washed away with whatever emotions he was feeling.
Something warm and wet dropped onto Caspian’s fingers. They fluttered slightly, but Caspian kept his hands where they were, biting his lip, refusing to back off just yet. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest, painfully hard against his ribcage, and he wanted to make this go away.
He wanted to make all of the pain and whatever else Michael was holding inside of him go away.
Like the morning after the boxcar, words were at a standstill. Caspian’s thumbs smoothed again over Michael’s face, and his breathing trembled; he could not ever recall being this close to anyone before, and he was suddenly startlingly aware that he wanted to be closer.
His thoughts - a messy tangle of them - were pushed aside, quickly, because this was not about him, it was about Michael.
“Michael,” Caspian whispered again, and his voice shook a little. He swallowed hard, biting his lip so hard now that it was almost painful. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Everything will be okay”
I’m here. I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere.
Let me in, let me help you find your happiness again.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:43 am
Caspian still wasn’t pulling away. Even after Michael was sure he could feel the tears on his hands, he still wasn’t pulling away. The very fact that there were tears at all was completely beyond Michael’s comprehension. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried. All he could remember is the feeling of utter hopelessness, threatening to devour him alive, but even then there hadn’t been any tears.
He didn’t cry. He’d been trained to keep his emotions in check. So what was it about the gentle words and touches from Caspian that made him feel both completely afraid and liberated at the same time?
It’s okay.
How did Caspian know it would be okay? There was no guarantee. There never was. And yet, hadn’t be promised to try? Hadn’t he told Caspian that he trusted him? Hadn’t Caspian told him things that he probably never told anyone else?
Slowly, hesitantly, Michael released his fingers from where they dug into the sheets of Caspian’s bed. He’d been on his side as instructed earlier, but as Caspian leaned over him, his hands on his face, he’d slowly rolled over onto his back so it was more comfortable for both of them. He didn’t even feel the pain from the bruises any more. All he could feel was the warmth and trembling of Caspian’s hands, the pressure of Caspian’s forehead against his own.
Hands lifted slowly, almost instinctively, as if reaching for a lifeline. His palms gently smoothed against Caspian’s sides, before sliding over his back. Michael held Caspian then, his arms wrapped more securely around his back, trying to pull him closer.
He didn’t know why, but he realized he needed Caspian’s understanding right now. He needed him to be close.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:51 am
His heart was aching in a way he wasn’t used to; as though any breath would cause the fragile world around them to shatter. Caspian felt, for the first time, as though he had something open and vulnerable and raw in his hands, something that needed protection, safety, affection - everything that he so badly wanted to offer.
He wasn’t aware of Michael’s hands letting go, but he was aware of Michael shifting. Caspian leaned back a fraction of an inch, slightly startled, fingers on the edge of his jaw - but going anywhere else was immediately and utterly forgotten from the very first touch of Michael’s hands on his sides.
Caspian’s breath caught in his throat, a flutter of a sound, and Michael’s arms were around him, pulling him down. There was no hesitation, no resistance; Caspian went willingly, easing himself against Michael’s chest, and one arm slid lower, beneath Michael’s shoulders to hold him tightly. His other hand remained on Michael’s face, his forehead still against his, and Caspian’s eyes were shut, his breathing irregular.
His heart was crashing against his chest, against Michael’s chest. Caspian felt the fragility and the tenderness of the moment as though it was something utterly precious to hold onto.
His breath was shaking, a tremor running through him, but not out of discomfort or fear. Caspian slid his hand up, across Michael’s temple, and dipped fingers into his hair. He ducked his head, shifting, and pressed his face into the crook of Michael’s neck, a soft sound escaping.
If he’d had words, they were gone now, replaced only by a tender, tentative offer of support.
And more. And so much more that he could not put into words or feelings.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 5:41 pm
He didn’t want to let go of this moment. If there was a way to suspend time and stop the world from turning, he would have tried to do just that. Michael felt strangely tense and relaxed at the same time. He felt both safe and afraid.
Michael could feel the warmth from Caspian’s body as he let himself be pulled closer, resting against his chest. He could feel his warm breath against his neck, and the soft touch of his fingers through his hair.
Now, Michael Gallo was no stranger to physical intimacy. That being said, he didn’t have to be emotionally involved at all to partake in such interactions, and could not remember ever being emotionally attached to anyone he’d been with.
But this… whatever this… fragile bond he had with Caspian was… it was entirely different than anything he’d ever experienced before. The physicality and closeness only enhanced the strange, unexpected emotions he felt, overwhelming him and confusing him and making him very warm and feeling so very comfortable.
And what confused him the most was that he was entirely okay with it. Mere weeks ago, he would have never imagined anything like what he was feeling now. He didn’t know how to describe it. He didn’t want to know, because he felt that would ruin just how… special it was to him.
Caspian had broken the walls he’d kept up for so long. They weren’t all down, but it was enough to make him feel things he didn’t think he was capable of feeling. He wanted to hold onto this… whatever this was…
“I’m sorry,” he said as he took in a shuttering breath, opening his eyes to stare up at the star mobile above them, casting little flecks of light on the dark blue walls. He still had his arms tightly around Caspian as he laid on his back, Caspian comfortably against his his chest.
“I… wish you didn’t… have to see me like this,” he said softly, his words hitching on silent sobs as he tried to control himself, to rein back the emotions that were pouring out. He felt weak and pathetic, and he wondered if Caspian would think less of him for not being able to stop himself.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 6:35 pm
He wasn’t lying entirely on Michael, his knees bent beside him on the bed; but the rest of Caspian was curled up on his chest, feeling each heartbeat, each shaky intake of breath, each shift of his hands or his arms or his head. Where there might have been self consciousness and hesitation before, an attempt at keeping Michael comfortable with whatever level of physical contact he wanted, this was different.
This time it was Michael who had reached for him, and Caspian could not have said no for the life of him.
He turned his head now, so that it wasn’t pressed into Michael’s shoulder, but nestled beside his head, his nose briefly brushing against his cheek. Caspian’s hand slid up and hovered above Michael’s mouth, ghosting above them without actually touching.
“Hush,” he said softly, and shifted his hand back down, fingers curling in the front of Michael’s shirt. “Don’t. You don’t have to apologize. Not to me.”
He wanted to do more, things he could not even begin to comprehend properly, his thoughts a mess. Caspian nestled comfortably against Michael, and eventually he would have to move before his back started aching, but for now, he wanted nothing more than to stay here like this, with Michael’s arms tightly around him as though holding onto him for dear life.
Michael needed this - and in a way, so did Caspian.
“You saw me...like this, didn’t you?” he said quietly, and his fingers brushed gently against Michael’s cheek, sweeping away some of the dampness. “I’m not going anywhere, either.”
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:06 pm
Michael’s mouth had opened, probably to apologize again, or to try and explain himself, but Caspian’s hand above his mouth, not touching him but just hovering very briefly, was enough to silence him. He knew Caspian was right. He had seen Caspian cry, open and vulnerable and lost and needing so much for someone to be there for him.
He didn’t understand what Caspian was doing to him. He shouldn’t feel this way. He shouldn’t feel so attached like this. It wasn’t fair to Caspian. It wasn’t fair that Michael wanted more of this, because he knew it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t last. He was barely good enough to be friends with him, someone who could be there but not necessarily able fill in all the broken pieces in Caspian’s life.
And yet, he didn’t want to let this go.
He didn’t say anything as Caspian lifted his hand to brush the tears away from his cheeks; only tried not to feel as ashamed as he did. He knew he was a hypocrite for thinking there was something wrong with himself for behaving in such a way, but not Caspian. He would swear up and down that it was completely different, him and Caspian.
When Caspian cried, it was innocent and beautiful. When Michael cried, it was just sad, and not in a good way. Or so he told himself. But the soft reassurance from Caspian, telling him that he wasn’t going anywhere, helped.
Michael held onto him for a while longer, waiting until he had control of himself and his emotions again before he slowly released his arms from around Caspian, letting him pull back if needed. Michael shifted on the bed, scooting over as far as he could to allow more space for Caspian if he wanted it. He reached up to smooth Caspian’s hair back, gently pushing it behind his ear.
Maybe he was happy, and just didn’t realize it.
“Would... it be okay if I stay with you tonight…?” he asked hesitantly, before he could think better of it and stop himself. His voice was still rough from the emotion that coursed through him, although it had been reined in for the time being. Meanwhile, the desire to stay a little longer was stronger than he realized. Ever since the night in the boxcar, and then the other night on his sailboat, Michael felt himself wanting more. It was dangerous and comforting, being with Caspian like that.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:21 am
There was no rush for Caspian to move; he stayed there, curled up against Michael, fingers gentle against the side of his face, his own head tucked beside his. The arms that were tight around him began to loosen, little by little, until they slid away, and Caspian felt the loss of warmth acutely, wondering if he should pull away now.
He didn’t want to. He liked this, liked staying close to Michael, liked feeling safe and warm and secure even if he was the one doing the comforting this time. There was something so incredibly reassuring about it; something solid and familiar, something that Caspian wanted desperately to hold onto.
Even as Michael shifted slightly to accommodate more room, Caspian didn’t quite move away. He felt fingers against the side of his face, tenderly tucking his hair behind his ear, and the brush of them against his skin made a small tremor run through him, Caspian’s cheeks warming. It felt...he didn’t quite know how to describe it, how to explain the fact that his pulse had just quickened, and that he had to resist the urge to reach up and tangle his fingers with Michael’s again.
The hesitant, raw question, filled with emotion, made Caspian’s heart leap in his chest. Slowly he pushed himself up, and for a few seconds, his hands were braced on either side of Michael, hovering over him, their faces close together.
“As if I’d let you go home now,” he murmured, and it was barely audible, even to himself; a whisper of words, pulled from somewhere inside of his chest, half amused, half something else he didn’t quite understand. Caspian sat up straighter, and his smile was gentle in the moonlight.
“Don’t go anywhere,” he instructed, his voice quiet, but firm. He slid, somewhat reluctantly, off of the bed, and made his way to the door, slipping out as silently as a cat.
He was gone a few minutes. When he returned, just as silently, he was still wearing the ratty long-sleeved shirt, but had exchanged his jeans for a pair of loose, gray sweatpants with white stars up one leg. There was a bandage on his hand as he padded over to the bed, Caspian bending over and fiddling with the sheets, tugging on them a bit.
Wordlessly, he slid into the bed alongside Michael, for once not afraid that this was too much. It had been Michael that had asked, and Caspian was answering, even if it was not aloud. He pulled the blankets up over the both of them and curled up on his side; the bed was not quite large enough to allow for a huge amount of space, but it was enough for them to fit comfortably, nestled by one another.
Caspian hesitated, then reached out, his fingers smoothing tentatively along the front of Michael’s shirt, Caspian not quite looking at him. He curled them there, and then dared to inch closer, leaving a certain amount of space between them, enough for Michael to hopefully not feel too confined.
“You can stay as long as you like,” he said softly. “Just so you know.”
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 12:43 pm
While Michael doubted that Caspian would deny his request to let him stay, he still wasn't sure what to expect. He watched almost nervously as Caspian stared at him, and then slowly pushed himself up to lean over him, hands braced on either side.
Even in the dim moonlight, Michael felt like he was being submerged into the depths of Caspian's blue eyes, the air completely gone from his lungs. Caspian's was suddenly very close to him. Too close maybe. So close Michael could feel his breath ghost across his now burning face with the whisper of words he could barely even hear.
Michael couldn't move, even as Caspian straightened up to pull away, showing Michael that small, warm smile. He felt frozen, breathless, his face burning. There was that strange twisting feeling again, comforting and terrifying at the same time.
It was only after Caspian had quietly slipped out of the room that he was finally able to breathe again. He drew in a shuttering breath, and his hands shook as they lifted to his face. He placed his hands where Caspian's had been for a few moments, and then snapped himself out of his daze by scrubbing at his eyes and pressing his only slightly cooler hands to his cheeks to try and ease the heat pooled there, wincing as he pressed too hard against the bandaged wound he'd already forgotten about.
What the hell was he doing? He was getting way too in over his head. He knew this was a horrible, bad idea, but he was afraid that he was in too deep to get out. And he knew he should be more concerned that he didn't really want to get out. At least not until Caspian's pushed him away and no longer needed him.
He took the few minutes Caspian was out of the room to try and compose himself and retrain himself how to breathe properly. He was glad Caspian wasn't there to hear the pathetic whimper that escaped as he sat up and pulled at the sheets to get underneath them.
Caspian was back maybe a little sooner than he was completely ready for, but he didn't say anything to stop him from climbing back into the bed, where there was just enough room for both of them if they stayed close. He wondered if Caspian could feel the way his heart pounded as he curled his hands against his chest, or the way he tried to keep his breathing relaxed.
As Caspian told him he could stay as long as he would like, a small snort escaped him.
"You say that now, but what if I never leave?" he half joked, one arm folded so he could rest his head on it, and the other remaining against his side for a little while longer, before bending his arm to place his hand against the underside of one of Caspian's upper arms, the back of Michael's hand resting against Caspian's chest. It was much more comfortable this way, and he could make sure Caspian's didn't roll off the bed.
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