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He released her and it all came flooding back in a terrifying whoosh; and why had she missed this, why had she wanted to feel so badly when she couldn't? Didn't she remember how horrible this was? Didn't she recall how much she begged for the numbness when the terror clutched her heart once more at the idea of losing Dawson, even for that fraction of a moment?

Who would want this? Why would they want this? Why did this always feel preferable when the numbness set in?

He returned to scoop her up in his arms, and she curled up childishly within them. The darkness of the basement no longer registered to her; she'd been afraid of the dark before knowing what real darkness felt like. Now, even in the dark, if she could see a single shadow, she was assured. The threat of blindness had changed everything.

Her hands slid up to his shirt, and clenched the fabric, holding on with painful desperation. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't lose you. I'm sorry."

She never would have done any of that if she could only hold on to the numbness long enough when it came. She missed the ability to feel when she was numb - and she missed the ability to think when she was not. There were few precious moments in the middle ground - so few they did not register to her. She couldn't remember what it felt like to be just caring enough.

"It's not - I mean - I know you don't want to hurt me, it's just - " Her hands tightened on his shirt, and they tugged, as if somehow she could get her point across through actions, when her words failed her. "I want to keep you safe, but I want to do it so bad that I start to forget what I was doing, and then - I wish I could just let you inside my head for a minute. Just to understand."

Her hands finally let go of his shirt, and fell palm forward against the hollow of his neck. They traveled up it's length, with no motive or sensual tension, and cupped around it when she got there. There was never going to be a way to accurately express to him how important his life was to her.

"I need you safe. I need it so bad. And I'm still so scared that you're not. If anything happened to you, I wouldn't survive."

She wasn't speaking of suicide, or even depression. Without him, she was confident her life would veer down the path it was already headed on before the day he met her. That was her destiny. Sometimes she was sure it still was. Maybe not even Dawson could save her. Maybe nothing was strong enough.

She huffed out a hollow, breathless laugh. "I feel like such a leech. Even trying to protect you is apparently for selfish reasons. I just can't win anymore."

Permission to be selfish was a dangerous thing to hand over to Maebe so easily. Dawson was making a mistake telling her that it was okay, because it settled deep into her heart, they way everything he said did. It was okay to be selfish. Even with him.

"This fer me." She muttered, clutching at his neck again while attempting a terrible mimicry of his accent. The act made her crack the first smile she'd managed in a while, and she used her fingers to form a leech mouth, forcing suctioning sounds through her lips while her fingers prodded against his neck.

Her doorway loomed ahead of them, so she curved her body enough to grab her keys, and held them up for him to take. The door was already unlocked without them, however.

Setting Maebe down on that bed was more of a task than he might have expected. She clung, and fought to keep herself in his arms, all the way until she was lying in the bed and he'd pulled away to use the phone. Her stomach clenched with disgust when she saw it, because no matter what excuses he was giving her - no matter how he tried to delay - Dawson was talking to a clone. He was - and she had - and the situation was not getting any better.

That thing was still there.

She watched him, the open fear still apparently in her eyes as he typed. Her own hands pulled out her phone, but she should have known she wasn't going to see anything. What good would looking at the feed do?

Thoughtlessly, she started talking on it. She could tell at once that this was a mistake, but her instinct to lie through her teeth kicked in instantly, until -

Until -

Unfortunate, it might have been amusing to have your outside match your inside.

She put her phone down, curled into herself, and let that reminder vibrate deep within her, from her head down to her toes. He always knew just what to say, didn't he..

She crumpled into his arms, but it did not change the fact that she could feel his words under every inch of her skin. "He knows." She whispered, burying her head as far into his chest as she could.

"I thought I was getting better." She admitted into his clothes. She wasn't crying, she wasn't even shaking. She was accepting. "I really wanted to be better. With you, I swear I'm better, it's just - "

Her breath caught, and she looked up at him in worry. "I shouldn't have said anything in Twitter. I'm sorry. It was calling me out on my s**t - please tell me it's not coming here. Dawson, Dawson please tell me it's not coming to find you." Worry had turned to shock, which had in turn become terror. Was the clone suspicious of Dawson's alibi? Had she just made the man she was trying to protect, unsafe no matter where he was?

Maybe if she could just. Talk to it. No, Thaw commanded with a voice he never used on her. That was the same mistake Dawson was going to make. Trying to reason with a thing like that was just asking for your neck to be snapped. But she had to do something, anything -

Her hands relaxed against him, and she curled herself into his body once more. She'd gone quiet, but only because she was thinking. Planning wasn't her forte - and thinking did not come easy. She tried to glean strength from his protective hold, the same hold that had always been there for her when she needed it, and put her mind to work.

Maebe let out an audible shudder of relief. She couldn't feel an ounce of pity for a clone, but if she could have, she might have done so now. Instead, she let the relief flood her system, searing through the crippling weight Lawr's words had managed to sink into her. The clone was not coming to kill them, after all. It had just chosen someone else to possibly kill. And of all the people on Deus..

"I'm not going to even pretend that I'm not relieved." She admitted, without an ounce of guilt in her voice. "You're safe now. And I'm feeling more like an idiot with each passing second."

Despite how stupid she felt, she looked no less inclined to remain cuddled in his arms. "I don't regret it, though." She thought back to how hard she'd come down on the man for his decisions, and tried to just express the guilt. Every time she did, the first thing she thought of was I'd do it again if I had to. And again. And again. There was nothing that told her she wouldn't have stopped him. Nothing to say she would have been anything different.

She eyed her own phone, now out of reach, and then slowly buried her head back in his chest out of embarrassment.

"My Dawson bill's getting pretty high. I'm scared of the day you're going to collect."

It was the sound of his hush, leaving his lips in a gust of hot air, that blew the guilt into her face. She felt it warm her features until she flushed, and refused to pull her eyes away even if she thought she didn't deserve to look at him anymore.

"Scared. Sad. Needy. Desperate. Those are the main villains. There's probably a few minor characters but." She swallowed, and a comment she'd been ignoring until now suddenly received an answer, however hesitant. "I used to think the only important thing to me was staying alive. Everybody else could fall around me, but I was a survivor. Then I learned how to care, and love, and suddenly I'm the last person on my survival list."

She didn't even know how to survive, anymore. It was hardly her first option.

"I feel like I should want all that back. Like, caring about myself more than others. I feel like it would be so much easier. And then I think about you in danger and whoosh, none of that matters. It all gets wiped away in place of one super intense thought - I have to keep you safe. But keeping you safe was going to get me killed, and I was okay with that. So I'm, I'm really confused."

If her desire to keep Dawson safe had to do with her own survival, why was she willing to risk her life for him, time and again? Even she couldn't put the pieces together yet.