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Rep had given similar advice, even if Otto had never told the man about his problems. Sleeping around only filled a void briefly, and it never stayed full. It just made you more empty. Otto didn't have the intention to sleep around, or become the sort of man who had sex like a horny animal. He'd never been that person. But that always changed. He changed a lot, from day to day. The man he thought he was, was a lie. A delusion to hide the fact he didn't truly know himself.

He'd never be able to promise Maebe anything anymore. She'd never trust him again, even if she never truly did. And what was more; he didn't trust his own intentions. He didn't trust his future self to uphold the promises he'd make now. Because he was always, unscrupulously, changing.

He wished he had sex with Maebe because he loved her mind more than her body. Because that was what he told himself. That was how he could justify being turned on by someone. But he realized after Zac, and after Maebe, he was perfectly capable of sleeping with someone simply because he was seduced, and enjoyed it. He enjoyed being pursued. Enjoyed the attention. He liked not having to make the moves, out of fear of rejection or insult.

"Then don't forgive me." He replied, letting his arms drop to his side after a shrug. Maybe he was sorry she loved him. Felt sorry for her. She loved him more than he loved her. He loved the idea of her; the idea of loving someone and having a deep relationship with them. That if he had that, he'd never be alone. That as long as he had a girlfriend, he'd never feel like an outcast, or unloved. Yes, he wanted to be loved. He didn't necessarily want to be in love.

But having someone love him brought pain. By simply being himself, and making this girl love him so much, he'd caused her unimaginable pain.

"I don't wanna hurt you, Maebe. But I also don't wanna hurt myself for you." Selfish. That's what he was. He should sacrifice his own wants and needs, and give her everything she wanted. Because she and Cami and everyone on the island were worth 1000 of him. Otto? Otto was not worth feeling hurt over. He wished he could be so selfless. He wished he could pretend for her, or suffer for her.

She'd let him off the hook of reliving the night with Zac because she loved him. But Otto wasn't sure he cared anymore. Why was a relationship so much work? Why was it so difficult? Why wasn't this easier?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do here." He felt stupid. Girls were complicated orbs of mystery, and Otto felt like a low brow ape trying to solve her. He couldn't even solve himself. "And I ain't sure I wanna do what I'm supposed to do, anymore." Doing what was right, when nothing was actually right.

It hurt. Not because of something he did, or because he was trapped. It was the trouble in her breathing, and the pain she displayed. That hurt to see, simply because it looked painful to bear.

"I'm sorry." Sorry that she wasn't enough, all by herself. Sorry he wasn't enough of a man to know what he was, or what he wanted. To be honest with himself and her. His eyes looked down into her eyes, empathy in his heart that shone ever so small in the blue within his own. He also wished he was the boy from so long ago.

"I miss when s**t was black and white to me." He admitted, holding a hand over one of hers, still on his face. The air was cold, and his face was warm with embarrassment, shame, and hurt. He missed things being so simple in his world.

He didn't mind that she'd wanted to bring him down, and make him burn, all that time ago. They were both different then. Besides, he'd had the feeling that's what she wanted to do, anyway. But he'd done it instead.

Maybe she would be okay.

He held her closely, warming her smaller body with his own. She was pleading with him, a request from her he could actually fulfill. He worried for her, hoping and wishing that no matter what, she would be okay. She was a pain in the a** as a girlfriend, but he still loved her enough to want her to be happy, and well. He wanted her to have something he wasn't able to provide.

He returned the kiss, feeling humbled to be given one after all that had happened. She was given one more on her cheek, and he brushed some of her hair away from her face.

"Okay... c'mon." He guided her carefully away from the site and back to the portal home. He held her like a fragile thing that might slip away at any wrong move.

He wanted to say he'd take good care of her, and make sure she was safe and okay no matter what. But of course, Otto was incapable of keeping his promises. He kept his mouth shut.