Welcome to Gaia! ::

Does anyone want to pay me a million dollars to take the first photo of my babies?

No?

Okay, I was just kidding anyway.

Apparently I've gained ten pounds.

That's actually a pretty big deal for someone small like me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about gaining weight. I'm not so self-conscious about my weight that things like that send me into hysterics.

That said, a lot of people probably think my weight is unhealthy. Last year I was 98 pounds. As of today's weigh-in, I'm 108.

I used to weight more back when I was 16 or 17. It seems ironic to me since I was doing a bunch of unhealthy things back then, yet my weight was more normal, whereas now I'm in a good place and my weight is below normal.

Once I joked that I started losing weight after I met Chris.

It hurt his feelings a lot. I still regret saying it.

But, seriously, it's kind of true. He's gained 40 pounds since then, and I've lost 15 to 20. I've had a lot to handle though. Dad getting sick, me dropping out of school, juggling a fledgling ballet career while maintaining my dad's shop, dad passing away... it was a lot going on all at once.

Since then I've had a hard time gaining the weight back. Sometimes I'm scared there might have been a part of me that liked how thin I'd gotten because I looked like your stereotypical ballerina.

In my head, it looked a little bit like success.

Nowadays I know better, so the extra ten pounds comes as a relief.

Enough about my weight.

We are now on week 24!! 16 more weeks to go! Our mangos are now ears of corn.

“Is it safe to go to a rock concert when I'm pregnant?” my phone app asks.

What????

Every once in a while one of my phone apps tells me “Do something nice for yourself.”

So I finally went out and bought my new car.

Now I have three vehicles. My scooter, my bug, and my Lexus. Good thing Chris and I have enough space for them.

Week 25!! 15 more weeks to go!! Our ears of corn are now rutabagas!!

Also, happy Fourth of July!! I'm spending the day with my in-laws and going to see Chris's game this afternoon!!!

Chris is in the hospital.

He won't wake up. I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's been two days. Still nothing.

Three days.

Four days.

Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers and words of comfort. It really means a lot to me.

Six days.

He's finally awake. Thank you Jesus.

We're on week 26 now, by the way. Our rutabagas are now the length of a green onion. 14 more weeks to go.

Now that Chris is awake and I can stop stressing out as much as I was, I can finally get into a bit of what happened. Chris was electrocuted and ended up in a coma for a week. He's doing fine now, but his memory's shot and there's a lot about the last four years that he doesn't remember.

The doctor's say he'll probably get better, but it's obviously been very difficult for both of us.

Chris and I went by the house today. I think he's starting to feel a little cooped up at his parents' house. I don't really blame him. I mean, it's nice to be able to stay with my in-laws, but it'll be great to get home.

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO MY POOH BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the birthday party at his parents' house this afternoon, we're going to move back into our own place! Things are slowly going back to normal!

WEEK 31!!!! 9 MORE WEEKS TO GO!!! WE'RE IN THE SINGLE DIGITS NOW, GUYS!!!

I FEEL SO PUMPED!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, for anyone still interested, our babies now weigh as much as coconuts!

According to Gallo Family Tradition, Chris and I are supposed to host Thanksgiving this year, being that we will be New Parents.

That's right. Newlyweds and New Parents get to experience the torture of hosting Thanksgiving for Chris's large a** family the very year they become Newlyweds or New Parents. (If there are two or more potential couples, they engage in a bit of coin flipping to see who the unlucky souls will be.) And it is torture. Hosting Thanksgiving two years ago was awful. I can only imagine how bad it would be this year if my mother-in-law wasn't such a sweetheart and didn't offer to host Thanksgiving at her house instead.

Thank you, Momma, you are a Saint.

All the back-to-school stuff is out at all the stores. It feels really weird not having to go back-to-school shopping this year, but it's also a huge relief to be done with school and back to focusing on my career instead.

Chris's little brother Peter starts high school this year. THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! (/weeps) Can you believe next year he'll be getting his driver's license??? I remember when he was just a bratty little eleven year old blackmailing me after summer camp.

Don't ask. Long story.

WEEK 32!!!! 8 MORE WEEKS TO GO!!!!!

EXCEPT IT'LL PROBABLY BE LESS THAN THAT I AM SO EXCITED GUYS I CAN'T BREATHE IT'S HAPPENING SO FAST AND THE FINISH LINE IS SO CLOSE I'M GOING TO CRY!!!!!!!!!

Our babies weigh as much as a pair of jicamas for anyone still keeping track!

This morning my phone app presented me with “A Complete Guide to Baby Bottles.”

Because bottles are also serious business.

I'm really worried about Chris. Outwardly he seems fine, but I still get the feeling something's wrong even if he won't talk to me about it. I think he's afraid of upsetting me.

I started this blog with every intention of writing about things of substance, and yet somehow it's turned into little more than a place for me to squee about my babies.

NO REGRETS!!!!

WEEK 33!!! 7 MORE WEEKS TO GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Our babies now weigh as much as a pair of pineapples.

Owie, can you imagine pushing a couple of pineapples out of there????

I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to remove my tongue ring and/or my nose ring.

I had both of them done years ago when I was all young and rebellious and I'm trying to decide if they're still me or not.

Thoughts???

Have I gone over this before??? I feel like I've gone over this before, but I can't remember.

Whatever.

Today one of my phone apps presented me with “10 Signs That Labor is Near.”

Way to make me impatient as hell.

Reading about perineal tears really makes me kind of glad I don't have to do the labor and delivery part, though.

Ow.

WEEK 34!!!!! 6 MORE WEEKS TO GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our babies are now the size of cantaloupe melons.

Imagine carrying two of those around inside of you. Olivia is a badass, guys. There are no other words.

We've reached the point in the pregnancy where it's not uncommon for twins to be born. Obviously we want them to stay in as long as possible for their health and development, but it's kind of exciting that it could literally happen ANY DAY NOW!!!!!!!!

Chris and I keep watching Olivia with bated breath.

Today is going to be a beautiful day! A nice breeze, highs in the mid 70s. Seems like it'll be the perfect day to do some apple picking.

Don't get me wrong, I love summer, but after a while it just gets to be too much.

Awww, Chris is already planning for another baby. Isn't he cute?

I don't know that he's thinking practically, though. I think it might have something to do with the whole electrocution scare. This happened after the hotel fiasco over New Years, too. He suddenly got more enthusiastic about having a baby.

I don't think I'd mind having another. I just think we should wait to see how things go with the twins first. Having two is going to be a lot to handle. Not that I don't think we can manage it, I just don't think we should be getting in over our heads.

TMI, this time around the twins are both Chris's children. I think that's been obvious from the beginning. Next time, if there is a next time (and Chris seems pretty insistent that there will be), we're going to have one of mine, which is entirely possible thanks to sperm banking. My mother encouraged me to do it before I transitioned.

I never really thought I'd end up using it, but here we are.

Today on my phone app there's an article talking about baby showers for Dads, otherwise known as a “Man Shower,” because we all know how fragile masculinity is.

There are three weeks and four days left of this pregnancy. We are less than a month away from our original October 18th due date!!!

“For first time moms, labor takes an average of 15 hours.”

Can you imagine being in excruciating pain for more than half a day?

I can't even.

One of my phone apps has a section that asks “Has baby arrived?” and then you have to click on “I had a boy!” or “I had a girl!”

BUT WHAT IF I AM HAVING BOTH???????

It is actually really frustrating that this thing doesn't account for twins.

Since Chris has been on the disabled list since being electrocuted and having his memory fried (and, let's face it, it's doubtful the Comets will make it to the playoffs anyway), Chris and I have the chance to take a short Babymoon this weekend. We're just going to his parents' mountain cabin, but it'll be nice to get away from the city for a little bit.

If only the rain would stay away. More than likely we'll end up stuck inside all weekend.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. ;D

WEEK 37!!! 3 WEEKS TO GO!!!

Our babies are now the length of a stalk of swiss chard.

Okay, I really think they're getting lazy with the fruits and vegetables. Not cute. Not cute at all.

My little swiss chards.

But 37 weeks is considered full term for twins!!!! I'm happy we've made it this far but also really impatient for them to be born.

Any day now, guys.

Any day now.

We’re back home with the babies now. Two days later and everything is running smoothly. Olivia is doing very well and was also released this morning. We spent some time with her making sure she was comfortable before coming home to settle in. It seems a very strange thing to go through all we’ve gone through with Olivia in the last nine months and then just… separate. Not that we’re not going to see her all the time, but I don’t know if I’d adapt as well if I were in her position.

Maybe it’s because I can’t have children on my own? So I imagine it’s completely heartbreaking to carry two babies around for nine months and then watch them be taken away? Because I wish it could be me who carried them, so I can’t mentally come to grips with the idea of having that experience and then being separated from them? I know this is why they do psych evals when you go through surrogacy, and Olivia passed with flying colors, so I’m probably thinking too far into it and she’s totally fine and the weird guilty feeling I have is just me projecting something I don’t entirely understand, but I can’t help it.

Our family’s been around for most of the day, which is a huge relief because I’m still not 100% sure I know what I’m doing and Chris was starting to look really overwhelmed when we left the hospital. His memory hasn’t gotten much better since his accident in July, which pretty much wiped the last four years out of existence. Adapting to life these last few months hasn’t been as easy for him as I wish it was. I can tell he already loves the twins, but he doesn’t remember any of our conversations about having kids or our decision to give it a shot, so it’s pretty much like he got saddled with something he didn’t agree to.

I don’t really know how to feel, honestly. On the one hand, I’m so happy and excited to have the twins, and they’re so beautiful and perfect; but on the other hand, I keep thinking of all this stuff now that they’re here, so I feel conflicted and afraid and guilty, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I was so caught up in the twins being born the day after Momma Gallo, I didn’t realize how close they were born to my dad’s birthday until today.

My dad would be 50 today if he was alive. I wonder what he’d think of the twins.

Happy birthday, Old Man. I love you.

I’m so glad I had a terrible sleep schedule as a teenager, otherwise I don’t think I’d survive half as well as I have over the last few days. Everyone says it gets easier once you get your baby on a schedule, even if they don’t sleep through the night, but getting two babies onto any type of schedule is not as easy as I was imagining it would be. I don’t even know why I thought it’d be easy. I suppose I was being extremely over-confident. Everything about the surrogacy process and the pregnancy went amazingly well, so I guess I just thought everything that came after it would be a piece of cake.

Not that it’s hard, per se. Ultimately, it’s not terrible. Feed them, change them, rock them, repeat. It’s scary, definitely. They’re so, so little, and when they’re in the middle of crying and you can’t immediately figure out what’s wrong, you begin to seriously question your abilities to keep two tiny human beings alive, and then you feel like total s**t.

There’s been a lot of crying on my part. I suspect Chris has cried some, too, but he hides it well. He’s not much of a crier to begin with, but I can only imagine how difficult this must be for him. He gets anxious a lot, and I can tell he’s completely exhausted. Coffee after coffee after coffee only goes so far.

So his mom’s been staying with us since we got home from the hospital. It’s been a huge help, especially since she’s taken care of all the cooking and cleaning so Chris and I can focus entirely on the babies. Sometimes it makes me feel like a failure, because I want to be able to do everything on my own, but it’s also been a huge relief. I just have to keep reminding myself not to get used to it!

Not that Momma wouldn’t just love to be around all the time.

Today, Momma and I put up some of the Halloween decorations while Chris and the twins were napping.

Roll your eyes all you want, I love decorating for the holidays. It’s very obviously something I picked up from Momma since the only time my mom and dad ever bothered with decorations was around Christmas, but for me it really amps up the excitement. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to enjoy fall and winter a lot more than spring and summer, and as much as it annoys 16-year-old me to admit it, it’s because of the holidays.

I’ve always loved Halloween. As a kid, it was about the candy. As a teenager, it was about the skimpy costumes. But the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve grown to appreciate Thanksgiving and Christmas, too. Probably because I have a family to celebrate with now, whereas when I was a teenager Thanksgiving and Christmas reminded me too much about what things were like before Mom left, so I started to resent them.

Now, I think about the holidays and I start coming up with ideas to make them fun for the twins when they get older. Obviously none of it’ll mean anything to them this year, but next year they’ll be a year old, and even though I doubt they’ll really be aware that Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas are special days, they’ll at least start developing an interest.

I want to give them every experience I’ve ever wanted for myself.

Yesterday night was Momma’s last night staying over. She’s been here for two weeks helping us. Slowly but surely I’ve been taking over the cooking and the cleaning again, and we’ve been doing a lot better at night these last few days, so I think we’re ready to tackle things on our own.

Fingers crossed that we’ll succeed!

Last night went very well! We’re still as tired as we have been, but I think we’re getting the hang of it!

Slowly, Chris and I are adapting more and more.

The twins are absolutely perfect. I’m extremely biased, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen such pretty babies. (Except for my little sister, of course.) For two squishy little things that came out looking a bit like wrinkled aliens, they’ve really gotten extremely cute, and it’s only been three weeks.

Henry is definitely a Gallo. He looks just like Chris when Chris was a baby. I am 110% sure he’s going to end up with the Gallo auburn hair. What hair he has is already dark, it just doesn’t have as much of a reddish tinge as Chris’s does, but considering Chris was the same way when he was a baby, I know it’s probably going to change.

Abby is a little different. She looks a little like Chris, too, especially around the eyes, but her nose and chin look different. I’ve seen pictures of Momma when she was a baby, and I really think Abby takes after her. Abby’s hair is a really hard color to describe. It’s sort of blonde, in a really dark blonde kind of way, but it’s also sort of not. I really don’t know what color she’s going to end up with. I suppose it could go either way.

They’ve both got the blue-ish gray newborn eyes. I’m excited to see if they end up with Gallo blue or Merlo goldenrod, or if there’s something different hidden in the Gallo-Merlo-egg-donor gene pool!

I’m starting to get an awful pit in my stomach.

Everything’s going as well as can be, but the closer it gets to the end of the month, the more I just start feeling this absolute sense of dread.

The source? I only put in for four weeks of maternity leave.

I go back to work on Tuesday.

There is a teeny, tiny part of me that’s sort of excited, but that’s only because we’re gearing up for Nutcracker season and there’s always been a part of me that gets super pumped every time Nutcracker season comes around (I doubt that’s ever going to change), but this year that part of me is buried beneath all these new Mom Feelings.

How am I supposed to pull myself away from the twins for hours and hours every day? How am I supposed to pull myself away from Chris when he’s still getting used to being a dad on top of his missing memories? How can anything else possibly be as important to me as they are??

I’ve spent my entire life dancing. For twenty-one years, it’s been one of the only things keeping me together. For a while, being on stage was the only thing that made me happy. It helped me through a really rough period of my life. I still feel so elated whenever I’m on the stage or in the studio.

But I’m so nervous. Even if Chris doesn’t always believe in himself and he’s really struggled with adapting, he’s already such a wonderful dad, but I still feel awful about leaving him on his own, and the thought of going for so long each day without seeing the twins…

I expect there will be a lot of tears involved on my part.

Trick or Treating is about to commence!

My mom’s not really big on Halloween, and Cal’s often out of town, so I’ve made it my thing to come over and Trick or Treat with Lilah while she’s still small enough to enjoy it. Naturally, she is dressed up as her hero Queen Elsa. I, being the loving and supportive big sister that I am, have donned a ginger wig and the appropriate attire for Princess Anna.

We both look super cute, if I do say so myself. I didn’t think I’d look good as a redhead, but I’m actually kinda digging it.

Henry and Abby are our Sven and Olaf, which basically means they’re in nice comfy feetie pajamas with appropriate reindeer and snowman accessories, snuggled up in the stroller where they will likely sleep the entire experience away.

Lilah very sweetly asked Chris to dress up like Kristoff. Being the big softy that he is, there was no way he could refuse.

He looks so ******** cute, holy s**t.

I am one tired Mommy.

Between class, performances, and taking care of the babies, I’m feeling a bit dead on my feet.

Chris, the twins, and I went back up the mountains again today. This time Momma, Beau, Rhiannon, and Lilah joined us. We got several more Christmas trees (I’m not the only one who goes crazy with the trees, I swear; Momma gets four or five of them, too), then Lilah, Henry, and Abby got their pictures taken with Santa. Lilah also got to ride one of the ponies, which she then talked about for the rest of the day, as is her way.

Once we got home this afternoon, the Christmas decorations went up. There’s Christmas music playing, and the house smells wonderful (and looks pretty bangin’, if I do say so myself).

This year, it’s really hit me how quickly the holidays pass. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working on top of taking care of the twins or what, but the days are just flying by. Sometimes I wish life would slow down so I could have more time to enjoy everything.

Today has been an uneventful day off. Just me and Chris, lazing around in bed with the fireplace on, watching Netflix and snuggling the babies.

This is the life.

On this day four years ago, Chris and I got back together after our first break-up.

On this day three years ago, Chris proposed to me.

It’s amazing how much changes in so little time.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Chris and I are on our way to Midnight Mass. Neither of us have ever been before. The Gallos go to the Children’s Mass in the afternoon instead, but I couldn’t make it since I had two performances today, so Chris and I decided to go tonight. Just the two of us. We’re staying the night with his parents, so Momma and Beau are on baby duty.

I’m not really religious at all, as I’m sure you already know (pretty sure that has been the topic of a post), and Chris has been forced to question a lot of the things he’s always believed, but we both still really enjoy going to Mass. For me, it’s very peaceful. I love it for the time it allows me to sit and truly appreciate things. The rest of life is so hectic. Mass is a good opportunity to be together as a family and just slow things down for a while.

Merry Christmas!

We’re a little less than a half hour away from eating dinner. This year, some of Momma Gallo’s family have come to town to celebrate with us. It’s a lot different than when Beau’s family’s around. Much quieter and not nearly as chaotic. Henry and Abby have been meeting the other side of their extended family. I think they’ve really taken to their Great-Grandpa Miles. They’ve smiled quite a bit for him!

Mom, Lilah, and Rhiannon are with Cal visiting his family this year, so there’s been a much smaller gathering around today than there usually is. Chris and I decided not to exchange gifts this year since we’ve both been busy adjusting to our new life with kids, which is a pretty big gift in an of itself. So we spent the morning watching Peter open presents, and opening the gifts for the twins (which there were a lot of, considering they’re still so small). The rest of the day’s been spent resting and relaxing.

Back to the grind today.

Yesterday was a nice break. Too bad it couldn’t last longer!

Chris and I are trying to decide if we want to do anything for New Year’s.

I only have one performance early in the afternoon on New Year’s Eve. That’s it for performances for about two weeks, so even if I still have class during the day, it’ll be a nice break.

Theoretically, we could make it downtown for the New Year’s celebrations. The question is, do we want to?

We’re young, so I kinda feel like we should. Use the opportunity to celebrate and enjoy our youth, you know? But I also would not be against watching the ball drop at home while snuggled up in bed.

Decisions, decisions.

Happy New Year!

Chris and I did end up going out last night. We haven’t had a date night since before the twins were born (Midnight Mass doesn’t count), so Momma and Beau watched Henry and Abby for us. One of our favorite Italian restaurants had a special New Year’s Eve dinner event, so we went there and had a wonderful time. The food was delicious, and we might have had a little bit more wine than we intended to at the start. We didn’t stay out all night, but we made it passed ten PM, which I happen to think is an accomplishment.

Henry and Abby are three months old today!

This time last year we were getting excited for the embryo transfer. It’s so surreal looking at my posts from back then and thinking about how it’s only been twelve months.

I’m trying to decide on resolutions. I met all of my resolutions from last year, so I’d like to see if I can repeat my success.

Let’s see…

#1 - Record all of Henry and Abby’s milestones.

#2 - Be kinder to people. (I happen to think I’m a pretty kind person to begin with, but a little more kindness in the world never hurt anyone!)

#3 - Gain a little more weight.

#4 - Censor my swearing before the babies start talking.

#5 - Give a damn about politics for once.

#6 - Travel more. (I want the twins to see more of the world than I have, but I’d also like to see more of it, too!)

#7 - Be more social.

Being away from the twins has gotten easier, but not any more enjoyable.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to wonder if this professional gig is really for me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love ballet and nothing is ever going to change that. I think, if Chris and I hadn’t decided to have kids, I would have had a long (hopefully successful) career on the stage, and I’m sure I would have been satisfied with that.

If I’d never thought about kids. Ever. At all. Instead, I have thought about it, so things are a lot different. And I think, having kids, the way I feel about other parts of my life has changed. I’m more self-aware, but also more aware of the world, what it has to offer, and what I want to get out of it.

Professional ballet is rewarding in its own way, but it’s also incredibly limited, and the people involved have the reputation of being a bit petty. In my experience, that reputation is not at all undeserved. I’ve made some great friends since I started doing professional work at 17. (I mean, for real. I never would have met Olivia if I hadn’t been doing professional work.) I’ve also met people I wouldn’t miss in the least. Some I’d even be relieved to never see again. Professional ballet is cutthroat. If you’re not ambitious, and if you don’t develop a thick skin pretty early on, you’re probably not going to get very far.

I’ve prided myself on being friendly and approachable in the studio. I suppose that’s been easy for me to do since I have “natural talent.” I’m ambitious enough that if I were less talented, I’d probably be easily frustrated and less friendly as a result. I’m lucky. I’ve been fortunate, and I’m incredibly grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had so far.

But I still have to ask myself, “Why am I doing this?”

And the only answer I have right now is, “I’m doing it for myself.”

Which is a really selfish reason to do anything, and not the sort of person I want to be at all. But that’s the truth. I’m dancing for myself. Sure, I get to put on a show for the audience, and it feels great when they enjoy it, but at the end of the day what I do is more for me than it is for them. I’m sure it’s like that for a lot of dancers. Most, I’d argue. You know, they’ll give you some bullshit answer about how they want to make people happy and blah blah blah, but they’re doing it for the applause and the adulation and the satisfaction that comes from a job well done.

I’m not sure I want that anymore.

Doing something for myself isn’t enough. I do want to make people happy. I want to watch my kids grow up. I want to teach them how to dance. I love kids. I don’t think I really realized how much I enjoy working with them when I was younger. When I take the time to look back, the best part of what I’ve done on stage hasn’t been a bunch of adults clapping, but a bunch of little kids looking absolutely amazed by what I can do.

And, ultimately, that’s where I see myself. I never really knew how long I was going to be on the stage, but I always knew what I wanted to do when I retired from it.

So, I guess it’s a matter of deciding how I want to move forward.

What am I going to find more rewarding?

Totally forgot to take the Christmas decorations down yesterday. Oopsie. So they came down tonight after I got home from class.

It’s sort of sad. The holidays are over and I don’t really have anything to decorate the house with until Easter.

I guess I should look around for Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day decorations.

Chris and I had a long, serious conversation last night about me and dance and what I want out of life, and it helped me come to a decision that’s probably been in the making since before the twins were born.

The afternoon of Sunday, January 31st is going to be my last performance.

I was a little sad when I finally came to that decision, because I’ve had some great experiences and I do love performing, but I think the fact that I also felt a sense of relief means it’s the right time for me to take a long break from the stage.

I wish I could say for certain whether or not I’ll return one day, but right now that possibility is completely up in the air. I suppose it depends on circumstances. Maybe one day when the twins are older, I’ll be in the right place mentally to make a comeback. I do regret that I was never able to dance Aurora, but even if I was able to do that right now, it wouldn’t mean as much to me as it should, because I’d still be living with the regret of not spending this time with my kids instead.

Right now, I plan on being a stay-at-home mom for at least the next year. I also intend to look into opening my own dance studio, with the hopes of getting it up off the ground either next year or the year after.

I want other kids to have the opportunities I had, and learn to love dance as much as I do.

Now that the decision’s been made and the date’s been set, classes and performances have become much less stressful.

I feel sort of bad, but at the same time I’m so excited to take a new step.

Happy 22nd Birthday to my cousin Rhiannon!!

When we were kids, we were a lot closer than we are now. That upsets me a lot, because I know it’s my fault we grew apart, and I know I really hurt you when I started pushing you away.

I hope I can make it up to you one day.

I might have put a lot of distance between us, but I never stopped loving you.

I use Pinterest to get ideas for decorating, but it’s really failing me when it comes to Valentine’s Day ideas.

I guess as long as I keep things red, white, and pink, it should be okay.

I suspect a trip to HomeGoods is in order.

Maybe once I’m officially a stay-at-home mom, I should take up some arts and crafts???

Well, that’s it. This afternoon was my last performance.

I admit, I cried quite a bit. I think I’ve made it seem like this was an easy decision, but it wasn’t. Chris and I talked about it for hours and hours, and I agonized over it for even longer than that before ultimately deciding this is the best thing for me.

Now, the next stage (haha, that pun was not intended) of my life starts. I’m sad and excited all at once!

Mostly, I’m relieved to me home with Chris, Henry, and Abby.

They’re my world.

No pranks from me for April Fools. I wouldn’t even know what to do.

Driving back to Destiny City today.

I do not look forward to it at all.

Ugh, Mommy is so exhausted.

Once again, we didn’t get in until around one in the morning. The drive was as long and torturous as I was imagining it would be. Henry and Abby were having none of it this time. If they weren’t sleeping, they were busy fussing away. Poor babies. I feel so bad.

Next year they’ll be almost a year and a half when Spring Training rolls around again, so we’re probably not going to drive next time. I’ll just deal with the hassle of getting on a plane. I’m sure it’ll be a stressful few hours, and totally frustrating dealing with all the luggage, but it’ll be shorter than driving, and hopefully better for the twins.

OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT TO MARK THE OCCASION!!!!!

Henry and Abby are six months old today!!! I can’t handle it, they’re already half a year old!!!! It has been half a year since the day they were born!! Can you believe that????

My sweet babies, you’re getting so big!!! I’m excited to see how you continue to grow, but I’m also absolutely crushed that you won’t be small for long!!

Chris is starting the regular baseball season out in California. I miss him so much already!!

Today marks four years since my dad died.

It gets a little easier every year, but I still miss him just as much as the day I lost him.

I spent today with Mom. We took the twins with us and went to visit Dad’s grave. It upsets me that they’ll never get to know him. I like to think he’s proud of who I’ve become, and that he’d like to meet the twins if he could. He was 46 when he died. Way, way too young. Sometimes I’m angry I didn’t have more time with him. I would’ve liked to sit and talk and get everything out in the open.

I didn’t say it nearly enough when you were alive, but I love you, Daddy.

Henry and Abby had their sixth month check-up this morning! It was the first time Chris wasn’t able to come with us, so Momma Gallo came instead.

They are getting so big. Abby’s still smaller, weighing 12 pounds, 10 ounces. Henry weighs 13 pounds 1 ounce. 13 pounds!!!! How did he get so big so fast?????? I was so shocked when they weighed him!!!

They’re both 22 inches long and looking a little chubby. Those cheeks!!! Those thigh rolls!!!! Ugh, they’re so adorable!!!

They got some more shots again, so they both needed some snuggles with Mommy after the needles were done.

I was, of course, more than happy to oblige.

When I left Destiny City, the weather was frigid. I come back, and it’s absolutely gorgeous!!

Spring is definitely here!! Which means it’s time to start the garden!!!!!

Last year was a huge success, so I think I’m going to try doing a little more this year. I don’t have work to worry about, so it seems a shame not to.

Sometimes I do miss the stage, but this stay-at-home mom thing isn’t so bad. I get to spend more time with Chris when he’s in town, and I get to see all of my babies’ special moments. I have my own studio at home, so I haven’t quit dancing altogether. (I would never, ever, ever quit entirely. The thought of not being able to dance is horrifying to me.) I usually get a couple of hours in each day when the twins are napping. Not nearly as much as I use to do, but it’ll keep me in shape!

Abby’s got her first tooth!!!!!!!!!!

Stop growing, sweet babies!!! You’re going to break Mommy’s heart!!!!!

I keep getting asked how our pets are doing with the babies, and I realized I hadn’t written anything about it yet!

My sweet Sassy cat isn’t too enamored with them yet. She’s not a very social cat to begin with. She’s affectionate with me and Chris, but she ignores and/or avoids everyone else, so when the babies first came home she skulked around hiding from everyone and seemed a little out of sorts that Chris and I always had two tiny humans around.

She’s gotten better as they’ve gotten bigger. She doesn’t try to snuggle with them at all, but sometimes she’ll come over and sniff at them for a while, and she’ll curl up next to me and/or Chris when we’re holding one of them as long as they can’t grab at her. If we’ve got both of them at once, though, forget it. She’ll keep herself scarce until there’s more room for her. Henry’s eyes go wide every time Sassy comes close and he smiles real big. Unfortunately, Abby gets a little over-excited and starts getting grabby, which scares Sassy away pretty fast.

Anna’s been excited since the day we brought the twins home. It’s a good thing she’s been trained, otherwise I’d be afraid of her jumping on them. She always comes over to play during Tummy Time, and she’s right there to make sure they’re okay whenever they cry. They’re getting better and better at rolling, and Anna’s more than happy to roll around with them. She’s eight years old now and not a puppy anymore, but she still acts young, and the twins absolutely love her. They smile and laugh with her all the time.

Overall, the only problem we’ve had is Sassy jumping into the cribs and getting cat hair everywhere, but she only ever does it when neither of the twins are in there. When they are, I keep the nursery door closed just in case.

Chris is home!!!!

Only until his next series of away games, but still. I sleep so much better when he’s next to me.

Even if he insists I give off too much body heat to snuggle for very long.

Henry and Abby keep babbling more and more. It’s so sweet listening to all the different sounds they make. It used to just be quiet little sighs and coos. Then there were laughs thrown into the mix. Now they’re making all sorts of sounds. “Ma,” “mu,” “da,” “di.” I can tell they’re getting sooooooo close to saying “mama” and “dada,” even if they don’t quite get the meaning yet.

Yesterday was the Comets’ home opener! Chris pitches his first home game tonight, so my mom’s gonna watch the twins while me, Momma, and Beau head out to the game!

GO COMETS!!!!

Chris still isn’t in tip top shape, and now that the regular season’s started, the frustration keeps growing. The Comets won last night, but it was a close game and I know Chris feels like he should have done better.

He expects so much from himself. It’s really tough watching him struggle. I hate not being able to help.

Abby has been babbling “dadadadada” all day.

Henry has hopped on the “dadadadada” train.

It made Chris really happy before he had to go to the ballpark this afternoon.

Going through Pinterest, getting ideas for a playroom for the twins.

We have attic space upstairs that was finished when we did the rest of the house, so it’s walled up and insulated and gets hot and cold air, but it’s pretty much empty right now because we have enough storage space throughout the rest of the house.

That’s probably the best space for a playroom, though. There’s always the basement, but we’d have to rearrange the rec room, and I’m worried about them getting into the gym and hurting themselves. At least up in the attic there’s nothing to get into, and there’s plenty of room to run around up there.

I should call my father-in-law to discuss.

Today I realized I haven’t been consulting my day planner half as much as I used to.

After my dad died, I went to a really dark place emotionally. It ended a few months later with a hospital stay, a meeting with a psychiatrist, some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, appointments with a nutritionist and a therapist, and nutritional supplements to make up for what I was lacking.

One of the things I started doing to help pull myself out of it was filling up my days with things to do, because I always function better when I keep myself busy than when I don’t have any plans at all. So I planned ahead a lot and scheduled everything. Classes, work, date nights, dinners with Mom, homework, projects, appointments. My day planner was full of stuff. Even if I already knew what I was doing every day, it got to the point where I’d feel a little panicky without it.

Since the twins were born, I’ve been using it less and less. Not because there’s less for me to do, but because I’ve learned to take it easy and go with the flow instead of planning things out from start to finish. I still plan things ahead of time, but my schedule’s not nearly as rigid, and if something happens to change it, that’s okay.

Having the twins has taught me to take things as they come. It’s really been very freeing, in a way. I feel like I can really enjoy the moment again.

I like to think being a mom has made me a better me.

Chris pitched last night and had a bad loss. He looked so lost when he came home after the game.

Breakfast in bed probably isn’t going to help much, but I want him to take it easy today before he has to go back to the ballpark. He works so much and tries so hard. He really is amazing no matter what he might think.

Chris doesn’t get a day off until Monday.

He really, really needs it.