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 Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:11 pm
"I know," Jordan admitted, "I do, I want to," and leaned briefly into the embrace, saying, low-voiced, "I ******** miss you," before he swallowed hard and pulled away again. "We can't, you can't," he reminded himself. "I won't, I won't do this to you. To him. I'm sorry."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:19 pm
Rep looked stung again as Jordan pulled away all over again, left with an empty hand which he slowly clenched. "It wouldn't be a bad thing." he said weakly. "I ******** miss you too." And the warmth from the embrace lingered and somehow that made it worse, that he'd had it for a split second. "I can." he said. "But if you can't... if you can't then...then I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just. I don't know."
He took a slow shaky breath. "I just don't want you far away, I pushed you away so many times and you let me, can't you just let me bring you close?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:35 pm
Jordan braced himself against the bar, his mouth twisting miserably. "I want to and I'm lonely and tired and it hurts because I can't have you any more," he said shakily. "I'm afraid I'll ******** things up. I'm afraid I'll want too much." He reached again for the bottle and tried to chase the choking grief away with the burn of a mouthful of whiskey.
"I just. I just want a hug." He laughed, painfully. "********. I made it weird again."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:45 pm
"You are allowed to want things. You are allowed to want too much." Rep said, his voice slightly slurred around the words. "I want things all the time, all the ******** time, you never asked for much. What's wrong with taking it? What's wrong with doing what's best for you?" He reached out again and had to fight the urge to pull Jordan into his lap, to hug him again and bask in that warmth, but he settled for keeping it open, for encouraging him rather than pushing him away.
"You can still have me you know, just consider it part of that s**t I owe you, chalk it up even."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:51 pm
"s**t, I, I," and Jordan's voice failed him. He tried taking a deep breath to regulate himself, to get back under control. He couldn't think, couldn't wrap his mind or mouth around the right words. He gave in and let himself lean on Rep again, warm and solid and real, and said into his shoulder, "I can't want things. Whenever I want something it gets taken away."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:58 pm
Rep wrapped him in a broad firm hug, burying his face against his neck and inhaling deeply, still drunk enough to fall effortlessly into habits he'd never really fallen out of. "You can though." he said. "What's worse man, what's worse, to want something and just sit on it and make yourself miserable or to go for it anyway? Even if it ******** gets taken away later, you had it, you owned it." He moved and kissed Jordan's throat, trailing up to below his ear, still in a very significant habit and when he spoke it was much quieter and softer. "If I didn't go for the things I thought would be taken away, given my track history. I'd never do anything."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:13 pm
"I couldn't, couldn't be what you needed from me." Jordan took a quick, sharp breath at the kiss, his hand coming up to curl firmly over Rep's shoulder, and he bit his lip. Mistake, mistake, and he didn't know what part of it was a mistake. He did know. Don't lie to yourself. "I can't," he said, "if, if when we're not drunk," and choked off the words, swallowed hard. "I'm not coming back. I miss you and I'm not coming back and I won't be the guy who screwed it up for you and Harrison."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:20 pm
"Who cares what I ******** need? No one." Rep said, still in that same quiet desperate voice. "But you did, you just ******** up a few times, I ******** up a few times, everyone ******** up a few times." He let his hand drop to Jordan's hip. "You can let me ******** up one more time, what's just ******** one more time?"
He kept his lips at Jordan's throat, breathing every word against him. "You don't need to come back if you don't want to, but it won't be you that ******** things up."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:36 pm
Jordan swayed into the touch, breathing roughly and fighting himself, wavering on the edge of giving in. Just one more time, just once, and he remembered, suddenly, if I cheated you'd find out from my suicide note, and he made a low noise of unhappiness and frustration and pushed himself back, regretting the action even as he did it. It was never just about the sex.
"I can't," he said, and took a step back, found the room rocking crazily around him and stumbled, catching himself against the bar. "I want, I can't. I'm sorry. Don't -- don't avoid me, I still, when we're not drunk," and he lost track of his sentence again as he tried not to fall. "Please."
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:46 pm
Rep was left ruffled and flustered as Jordan pulled back, once again closing his hands on nothing at all, the smell of Jordan in his nose, his senses full of the other man and denied so close to the prize. He was breathless as Jordan stepped back and this time when he leaned forward it wasn't to pull him into an embrace but to try and support him, to stop him from falling.
"I... " it was like someone had thrown cold water over him, still drunk but suddenly and starkly aware of what he'd been trying to achieve. "I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm so ******** sorry. I won't... I won't." And it was a desperate mantra, panicking as he realized he'd probably set back whatever chance they had of being friends again a hundred miles.
"I'm sorry." and he'd been afraid of making things weird, he should have been afraid of Rep himself making things weird, because it was so easy to assume sex would solve everything when it never really solved anything at all.
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:57 pm
The room looped and spun and it was hard to focus on anything at all, but Jordan saw the realization dawn in Rep's eyes and hated himself in the same moment that gratitude warmed him, knowing he'd done the right thing and wishing desperately that he could afford not to. "I'm sorry," he repeated, and steadied himself again. His knees felt watery, and he slid slowly down to the floor, curling up into a miserable, frustrated knot.
I love you. I can't, because I love you.
"Can I, you said there's water," he asked, muted.
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 7:10 pm
Rep poured himself bonelessly off his chair and made his way to the sink, filling up a glass with water, his hands shaking the whole time. It took him a few moments to reach Jordan, sinking to his knees alongside him and holding it out carefully. He looked away, ashamed, flustered and deeply deeply sorry.
"I don't know what came over me." he said brokenly. "I just missed being near you, having you there, holding you. I wanted to pretend nothing was different so much." he wilted. "Talking to you I was like, maybe everything could be ok. I'm a ******** idiot, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."
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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:28 am
Jordan took the glass and sipped slowly, concentrating on keeping it upright. He leaned back against the wood of the bar and looked up at Rep. "We've never been very good at not hurting each other," he said sadly. "I hurt you just being myself." He looked into the water again. "It's why, that's why I won't try to come back. You... d'serve better than an a*****e boyfriend who feels like he has to make excuses for you."
He smiled painfully. "Still ... wanna be your friend if we can."
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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:43 am
Rep shook his head. "You did prrty ******** good at not hurting me, even when I was trying to hurt you and chase you away." He looked at the floor. "When you said you'd never leave me I took it as a challenge, it was scary, I felt smothered." He put his face in his hands. "I don't do well with consent s**t, and when I feel threatened.. all sense just...just.. flies outta ******** window."
He parted his fingers enough to look through them at Jordan, mumbling into his palms. "I don't know what I want. I don't even know what Ace wants. He's been really sad about s**t you know. I think he misses you. I miss you too."
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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:00 am
"You need, you need all of me, if I'm there. Even the parts I can't give you." Jordan rolled his head to the side so he could look at Rep more easily. "I tried," and his voice was distant.
He swallowed and hung his head, struck by a sudden wave of guilt. "I didn't want to hurt him either, but I did. I was ... so jealous," he admitted, soft and slurred. "You're a good team. He catches you every time you fall. He goes after you, but he just, just told me not to run away. It shouldn't have mattered." He sighed deeply.
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