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 Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:32 pm
The silence between them was terrible. He wanted it to end, wanted to do a lot of things, and yet he couldn't do anything for fear of pushing her too far and her running away. She was so very fragile; a baby bird wrapped in layers of protective clothing, clothing to not just hide in but also to conceal.
How much longer would it take for her to break?
He didn't want to find out.
Gale took a sip of tea, and the heat of it scorched his throat; a familiar, reassuring feeling, something that reminded him of himself. Tea was such a simple thing, small and quiet, but it was also a comfort, one that he'd hoped would do the same for Stormy.
He wanted to understand.
He wanted to help, but she didn't want him to.
Patience patience patience
He lowered the cup back into the saucer, his fingers curling around the handle, pressed against the heat emanating from the inside of the porcelain teacup.
"Why are you trying so hard to push me away?" Gale asked, his voice quiet; a gentle brushing aside of the diverting question she was attempting to use.
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:49 pm
Which of course meant he had to be.
Stormy flinched at the question and pressed her hands a little tighter against the cup, trying to take its warmth into her like she might have with Gale's hand. It was artificial and temporary, like many things felt inside her; it ought to fit right in, sustaining her in a way food couldn't.
"You have a right to be angry." It wasn't an answer at all, but the proper words were hard-pressed to leave her. She gave her cup half-lidded, somber look, watching steam rise and tickle her nose.
"I wanted to protect you, that's all." Her voice was calm in the way a voice operator's was, a synthetic clone that was neither similar nor disimilar to her own. "I'm not well. It happens sometimes, when things happen and it's too much. But I was getting better," Stormy assured the cup. "I was. I am."
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:28 pm
He was direct because he felt as though if he wasn't, they would never actually get around to talking about the important things; that they would simply go back and forth with the issue until it dissipated into nothingness and all meaning was utterly lost within the chaos of their own minds.
She sounded stiff, the words almost rehearsed. It was like a knife cutting into his heart, leaving an open wound behind, and Gale set down his teacup with a clatter, tea sloshing over the rim and splashing onto the pristine saucer and staining one of the sugar packets a dark brown.
"Don't talk to me like I'm some stranger," he said, and while there was no anger in his voice, there was a sharper edge to it than his normal calmness. "I'm not a superior you have to reassure that you're still fit for duty. I'm not a lab tech you have to report to."
His head hurt, and so did his heart. His voice softened.
"I'm Gale Gentry. I've been your boyfriend for the past eight months. You know me, Stormy, I know you. At least," he amended. "I'm trying to."
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:52 pm
The clatter gave her a moment of deja vu: Christmas Eve, crisp and snowy, steady hands losing their dexterity for one second of restrained emotion, hurt but masking it. Fancy meeting you here, Ursalina Ortega.
It was painful, though--holding hands, Celine Dion, pressure against the counter, make him smile, find his humanity, do you l--so she scurried away from the memory.
"It's not a report. I'm talking to you." Well, she was talking to the cup, but at least it was directed at Gale, which she considered a great step forward after completely no communication followed by all the yelling. She didn't like yelling. She wanted to avoid further conflict.
"You are Gale Gentry, born December 12th, a Death hunter who blushes easily," she listed. "And who you want is who I'm trying to find again. What sits here is just a disappointment that didn't want to be seen." Stormy attempted the tea again and was relieved not to be burned again by it, though her tongue still stung and the taste had yet to be found.
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:02 pm
She wasn't seeming to understand what he was saying, and it was beginning to frustrate him. Gale twisted Jinhai's ring around his finger in an effort to not reach out and grab her, because not only would she shrink away from him, but he couldn't help but feel she would break beneath his hands.
"You're talking at me," he said quietly. "There's a difference."
For a few minutes the silence stretched between them, terribly tense and horribly thick with everything that was supposed to have been said but wasn't. The space between them wasn't just physical, but mental now, a wide enough gap that had become alarming to him.
"You're making assumptions," said Gale. "Based off of what you think that I think, and what other people think. You may see yourself as a disappointment, but I don't. Who I want is still the person sitting beside me, even if that person isn't the same as who they were when we first met."
He looked down at his cup, staring absently at the stained sugar packet and the spoon with its little drops of tea still sticking to it.
"Nobody ever stays the same as they were," said Gale softly. "I'm trying to understand you, Stormy. I'm trying to be there with you while you go through this, even if you think that you have to bear the burden yourself. But there's nothing that says I can't at least stand by you while you carry it, but you don't seem to want me to do even that."
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:30 pm
She considered his response for a moment, her head tilting a little. Then something subtle changed about her, for Stormy risked a glance at him--or rather, his hands. "What's the point of that?" she asked quietly. "Why make you watch when it's only hurting you? When there's no heading, no direction, no idea I'll find her again?" Her gaze lingered for a few seconds, then dropped back down to her cup again.
"You don't like what ifs. You need something concrete. I can't give you either." Stormy inched her fingertips until they touched and made a full circle around the cup; it wasn't quite as warm anymore, to her dismay. "If the assumptions are wrong, they were made with the right intention. You deserve the best, and I can't give you that right now." Reaffirming it gave her a hollow sense of peace, but at least it was peace at all.
She was starting to think she shouldn't have subjected Gale to this at all. Have to stay calm, have to make sure nothing like the disasters with Ian and Evan ever happened here.
"I can stay the same," she assured him. "I just need time to fix it. Then I'll be better. Promise."
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:03 pm
He didn't see her looking at him, still staring at his own cup - or rather, in the direction of his cup, his eyes not quite focusing on it. After a moment, he said quietly, "You're doing to me what you don't want me doing to you - making decisions for me, taking away the chance for me to decide and deciding on your own that I shouldn't be around you."
Gale shook his head, a few strands of his hair breaking free of the tie and falling down over his neck. "That's true," he agreed. "I do like concrete things. I like having the facts. But you don't get to make that decision for me. I'm a big boy, Stormy," he said softly. "I can handle you when you're not at your best, and I want to handle it with you."
He tugged at a lock of his multicolored hair, blowing out a long breath. Stay focused, he thought. It's not about you. It's not about her, even.
Stay focused.
"There's nothing to fix," he said softly. "You're not broken."
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:36 pm
He had said that before: you're not broken. And the first time Gale had said that, she thought it was a revelation, something bizarre and foreign that had never occured to her. Apparently she had forgotten that too. It comfortable being this numb until she was reminded that reality existed and continued to move on without her, and then that state became a weakness.
But taking the decision away . . . Stormy felt a little chill go up her spine at the truth there. Was that what it was? Maybe without her usual zeal it was impossible to conceal that her inner machinations were dystopic: smiles on the outside, sorrows on the inside, destined to crumble by its own rules.
Metaphorically, the tub was too hot to stay in, but the air was too cold to stay out. Suddenly the spacious room felt as enclosed as her own, and her legs didn't remember how to take her away. Stay and it hurt. Leave and it hurt. Exist and become aware of everything again and it hurt. There was no reprieve, and she was starting to feel fear trickle in.
Stormy's hands trembled, unwittingly spilling some of the tea into her lap. "Maybe," she whispered, ignoring it for the moment. "Maybe. But if . . ." She stopped herself, pressing her lips together briefly before shaking her head. The shaking came to a stop.
It was clear: she'd have to start over.
"Not broken," she agreed suddenly. "Just tired." Stormy lifted the cup to her lips and drank the rest of it in one steady go, knowing how terribly rude it would be if she tried to leave without at least finishing; God help her if she was rude. It still just tasted like warm water to her, just like food ended up tasting like ash, but she was polite about it.
Standing up with a little waver, she smoothed out her clothes, noting the newly acquired damp spot to them, and made for the kitchen to wash her saucer and cup.
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 10:21 am
His eyes slid sideways, catching the rattle of her cup as her hand shook, spilling tea. A desperate need to reach out and take it from her, to put it aside and wrap his arms around her, hold her in his arms and keep her close overtook him, almost overwhelming him. His hands curled into fists, however, pulling himself back, reigning in the impulse.
It felt strangely sad to realize he couldn't even hold her hand without being afraid she'd pull it away.
"But if what?" Gale asked gently, his hand smoothing over the couch between them. "What..."
But then she had stood up, and had disappeared into the kitchen, and Gale stared after her in confusion, his expression bewildered. At first she had seemed fragile and uncertain, but now there was a strange formality to her words, the same terrible stiffness as before - like she was talking to an acquaintance.
He got up and made his way to the kitchen, leaning against the small door frame that separated it from the living room. There had never been a door, but there was space for one, and now Gale stood there and watched Stormy, arms folded across his chest.
"Stormy," he said quietly.Ol-j-man omg I'm sorry if this tag doesn't make sense I am so tired cry
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 11:00 am
She carried on with purpose, as it was important to keep things nice and clean and in order. At the sink, Stormy turned on the faucet and soap-sudden the sponge and began to wash her cup and saucer with far more delicate motions than was necessary. Some material was easy to chip, after all. One rough collision and a crack or fracture could form, or too much hot water could create micro fractures that weren't noticeable until the cup was filled. She felt like that, honestly, even though her outward appearance no longer shined like these things would. No amount of water and soap felt cleansing.
It was partially why she started giving up on showering as much as she used to. Shortly after the failed mission Stormy had taken to scouring herself twice a day every day just to be sure nothing was there, that she was clean and not harboring something else under her skin. After the news of Nevada's death, however, the ritual seemed pointless.
But not for this cup or this saucer, no sir. They were squeaky clean and ready for use again.
She heard Gale's footsteps stop somewhere behind her as he called her name but didn't immediately react. Stormy first set her things out to dry, aligning them with each other carefully before turning.
He was occupying the only space out.
Her immediate thought was cornered, but she tried to shush the panic that threatened to go through her. He wouldn't do that. He wasn't Evan who forced her through things just to get it out in the air, even though it made her feel worse to let it go than it did to hold it in. He wasn't Ian, the blind leading the blind with splinters in their eyes they would not remove themselves. No, Gale had been mostly gentle in tone this whole time, the whole getting into her room thing aside; that was Thane's fault anyway. He probably had some other purpose, like--
"Do you need me to clean yours too?" Stormy asked. His own cup and saucer weren't evident on his person, but perhaps he had forgotten. Perhaps he was also very tired.
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:09 pm
He watched her movements, the way her hands moved around the dish, carefully and gently, as though she thought they would shatter at the smallest of gestures. Perhaps she thought that if she pressed too hard they would break - the same way that Gale felt about her.
Don't push.
Don't break.
Stormy didn't answer to his call, which he half expected. She was deflecting, trying to divert attention from herself and from the distance that had spread out between them and which left a terrible question burning in the back of Gale's throat, threatening to spill out.
The space between them had never felt so wide as it did now.
"Why did you come here?" he asked her, and his voice broke in the middle of it, Gale blinking rapidly. He didn't answer her other question. "If you're so determined to be alone, for me to leave you alone, to do this all on your own, then why did you even come here with me in the first place?"
Frustration, a desperate plea, laced every word. He closed his eyes.
"Do you even still want me anymore?"
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:39 pm
She stilled and seemed to lose a little color in her face. "That's never been a question." Acquaintances received no communication, friends the bare minimum, family like Evan some of the brunt of her worst. Gale had the honor of keeping her in his house when she had run away or been left alone other times, of talking with her even if it wasn't to his liking, of getting her to try and drink something even if it gave her no nourishment, when she had ignored other chances to. He was special. She didn't see how he couldn't know that by now.
But his voice was breaking, and Stormy had to wonder what else was to. She found it hard to swallow.
Gingerly she stepped forward, toe to heel, until they were within friendly conversational distance, much closer than she had been all day. Her hands were clasped before her, her eyes on his even though they were closed.
"I'm not well," she told him like it was a well kept secret, and it didn't sound like a machine for once but instead was infused with a heavy sorrow. "I've never been well, not on the inside. Just been good at hiding it." It was a test of her willpower that she didn't reach out to him, the very idea that she had been frustrating him that much frightening (though at the moment everything felt muted).
"I've done things recently I wish I could take back. Being here...Maybe it would help. I don't know." Her brows knitted, her head hurt, her heart hurt. "I don't know, I don't know anything...All I know is that I'm tired. Sleep helps when there aren't nightmares."
And there were always nightmares now.
"You're here; maybe that means so should I. Maybe I should've been here first, even though I wanted you safe. Maybe I can do both." Maybe she was wrong about everything again, what a surprise that would be. "But if you're tired too, I'll go."
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 6:46 pm
He raised his eyes to look at her, and where color seemed to leave Stormy's face, pale patches of pink seemed to appear on Gale's. "Maybe not to you," he said, biting his lower lip. "But for someone who wants to be together, you seem awfully concerned about keeping us apart."
He was trying very hard not to make it about him, because this wasn't so much about him and his worries as it was about Stormy and hers, and about the pain of losing someone that she had loved; but at the same time it was about him. It was about the both of them, because he felt as though they were breaking apart at the seams, barely holding it together.
His grasp was slipping and he was falling further and further away from her.
Stormy moving closer to him startled him, and he looked at her with wide eyes, but she still didn't reach out to him, didn't try to take his hand or hug him or do anything other than stand there in front of him, and she was only a few inches away but it felt like miles and miles.
"No," said Gale, and his voice was hoarse, laden with weariness. He still didn't move closer, his feet stuck where they were. "Don't go. Please don't go, don't leave me again. Can't you see that's the only thing I've wanted? I don't want you to go, I don't want you far away from me, I don't want to wake up and not know whether you're all right or not."
He dropped his head, shaking it from side to side, his hair falling into his face and obscuring his vision.
"Every time you didn't answer my messages or my calls I had to force myself not to run and see you, to make sure that you were still here. Every day that I couldn't see you is another space between us, and I feel like I'm missing something crucial."
His fingers curled into fists at his sides.
"I just don't want to be alone again."
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:35 pm
Every time, every day. Time had become such a blur to her, even without the times that she abandoned reason and attempted alcohol, that she wondered--
< < Twenty-two days at least, according to your texts. Or rather, his. > >
Her heart skipped a beat.
< < Perhaps more than that since your last meaningful contact, > > Thane added, simply reporting the facts.
Stormy wavered as if a physical weight had been put on her shoulders. Her gaze wandered down as she tried to process how a little over three weeks had already gone by, how she could have let it slip past without so much as a blink. The last time she had lost track of time had been shortly after Aria's exposure, when her future was up in he air and she didn't (couldn't) deal with the implications of being sympathetic to her former leader's cause. But that had been three days only.
Her expectations had planned for things to get better faster than . . . three weeks. Gale had been alone for three weeks, and she hadn't . . . She hadn't even . . .
"Oh," she exhaled in a very small voice.
Twenty-two days . . . close to a month . . . Stormy reached up and scratched under her beanie unconsciously, stunned and thought-delayed. It seemed an impossible amount of time for how much she remembered of it, and her mind couldn't completely grasp what it meant to be essentially cutting off a lifeline for that long, patient but never knowing. Now, she supposed bleakly, he did.
Don't leave me again, he said. Those words were enough to quash any further ideas of resisting or running today. They were enough to burn her spirit too, a well-deserved punishment given the separation.
"I'm . . . sorry," she said quietly, her hands falling back to her sides as well, one grasping at the edge of her uppermost layer to hide its quivering. Stormy seemed to deflate further. "I didn't mean . . . I-I'm so sorry I failed you like that." On top of everything else she had done wrong, this should have been expected.
She tucked her head submissively. "I'll stay. I'll stay here. We both need it. God, I need it . . ." But she wouldn't ask him for forgiveness because that was well out of her league now. The best she could hope for was that the fallout didn't immediately kill the rest of her.
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:56 pm
He had finally gotten it all out in the open, but where he should have felt relief at expressing what he had wanted to say all along, he only felt a strange emptiness, Gale's hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. His shoulders were slightly hunched, his hair still in his face (it had mostly fallen free of its ponytail by now), and he seemed exhausted down to the very bone, his face paler than normal, spots of pink still on his cheeks.
But maybe, just maybe, he seemed to have gotten through to Stormy, even if it was just a tiny bit, even if the crack in the wall she had built around herself was minuscule. It was still something, judging by the soft sound of the oh and the quiet note of her voice when next she spoke.
Gale lifted his head and sighed. He pushed his hair back out of his eyes (it fell right back again a moment later, when he lowered his hand), and gave Stormy a quietly contemplative look, his expression bordering on pained as he said softly, "You haven't failed me."
You left me alone and I thought you were gone. I thought you weren't coming back for me.
I thought you had forgotten me.
He didn't say it, but his eyes did, even if it wasn't vocalized.
"I need you," said Gale, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't even know how to explain it properly without sounding like a complete arse, but I feel wrong without you, and I feel..." He trailed off, closing his eyes, and inside of his head, Jinhai made a soft sound of reassurance.
"Being alone is frightening," Gale whispered.
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