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 Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:33 pm
Jordan tensed up for a moment, caught off guard by the question and grateful that the light was dim enough that his sudden blush wouldn't be obvious. He considered his wording carefully, finally said, "There was a point when I realized ... just the idea of kissing a guy was much more interesting than actually kissing any of my girlfriends had ever been."
He looked up at the sky, half-smiled. "The second thought I had after that one occurred to me was well, that explains a few things. I'd been aware that there was something off about me, that I wasn't interested when I should be, but it just - well, it never occurred to me that that might be it. So it was a surprise."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:57 pm
Jerry swallowed, nervously brushing his hair back behind his ear, "Roar thinks... thinks my... my problems with Candace... why she... she felt the need to... to go to another man, I mean..." Well, it had been since before then but that was beside the point. "Because I might be... um. But. But I don't know.. I... I think about girls. But... but when I'm actually with them... with her... I just... shut down." How did he explain this without sounding totally pathetic? "Maybe... maybe my body's trying to... tell me something my b-brain doesn't... doesn't want to... to face?" he ventured.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:05 pm
Jordan blinked and ran through that again mentally, and got the same thing out of it the second time that he had the first. "Uh," he said, and then silently smacked himself for sounding like an idiot. "I - uh - wouldn't really know. Never actually got past the kissing stage." Sounding like an idiot was still on; admitting his inexperience to Jerry was just as embarrassing as it had been to Robert.
He hesitated, then added, "You might not want to ask me that. I'm. Er. Probably a biased source."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:15 pm
Jerry wished that he was drunk right now. But what he had managed to wrangle for his period of mourning was running low. And also back in his room. "Before... Candace," He wet his lips, shifting to sit up, "I hadn't really gone past cheek kisses."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:20 pm
"Oh. Er. Really?" Jordan sat up, suddenly far too aware of his heartbeat. Was Jerry going to - this was a terrible idea. He could name several good reasons why it was a terrible idea.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:50 pm
"I was thinking..." He started, but immediately started to back pedal, finding a pebble to fiddle with, "N-nevermind. Nevermind. That was stupid. I'm sorry. I shouldn't... shouldn't have brought it up, that was insensitive of me. I just. If... if I were to... I dunno. Um. If I was... um. Gay I mean. I c-couldn't um. I mean... with you it'd be... it'd be okay."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:04 pm
"I - " Jordan started, then stopped, completely unable to think of anything useful to say. He shouldn't. They shouldn't. Jerry was still hurting, raw from a fresh betrayal, vulnerable and in need of support. And right here, close, on the edge of offering something Jordan had wanted for months, had concluded he couldn't have. This isn't fair, he said to Ferros.
Ferros was quiet for long moments; Jordan could feel the dragon's thoughts moving just below the threshold where he could hear. What are you going to regret more? Ferros finally said.
I - I don't know. "Jerry," he said, a little shakily. "You - hell, you already know I want to, I just - you're still - " His usual eloquence and steadiness had departed to places unknown, and he wound down without finishing the sentence, made a small rough sound of frustration at being unable to figure out the right thing to say to make this go right.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:12 pm
"I don't know who I am anymore, Jordan," He said softly, distantly.
It hurt. And he didn't want it to hurt anymore. He didn't want his friend to hurt either, if he was wrong.... but how did he know? He didn't. In his twisted, fractured mind, there was only one way to find out.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:31 pm
Did you know before? If you don't know now, how will this change anything? Are you asking me to decide for you? Jordan swallowed hard, tried a deep breath. I don't want to make things weird between us. Things are already weird between us. I'm worried about you. You don't know what you want. He couldn't see much of Jerry's expression in the dusk. What am I going to regret more?
Ferros stayed silent, watching curiously.
"Just - just once," Jordan said, hoping desperately that he didn't sound as uncertain as he felt. He couldn't be this unsure; he was supposed to know what he was doing. "We - you shouldn't make any big decisions while you're still hurting."
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:38 pm
He just... wanted to feel loved. At this point he didn't care who it was. He had tried to kiss Clarice even, in his desperation. He couldn't quite remember the details of that evening in the alcoholic blitz but... for all he knew, he might have tried it with that red-headed Amazon woman as well.
There was a vague recollection of her ripping his pants off that sent a shiver down his back.
But... he knew Jordan liked him. Cared about him. Whether it was just as his team mate or Phoenix leader or as just the only friend he seemed to have that was always there for him, never judging him, never making him nervous or upset, always there to calm him down.... it was just Jordan. Jordan made him feel wanted, a part of things, accepted always.
He swallowed. "Regardless of how things go... um. Just. Promise me we'll always be friends?" Tentatively, he ventured scooting closer to him in the sand.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:48 pm
This was still a terrible idea, but if anything, the question made Jordan feel better about it. "Yeah," he said. "I don't want to screw that up. You're - you're one of my best friends." Maybe it was stupid, feeling closer to people he'd met under a year ago than people he'd once known all his life, but he didn't want to let go of that.
Are you sure, he thought about asking, then didn't, leaning across the space left between them to kiss Jerry, lightly, almost shy.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:02 pm
Jerry sighed, eyes closed as he leaned into the lips, goosebumps passing over his arms. He wasn't sure if it was Jordan or just another set of lips or what. He wasn't sure he was aroused. But he did like it. He leaned in more carefully, a hand nervously lifting to touch the back of Jordan's head. "You are my best friend," He whispered, face flushed. He felt drunk. Maybe it was the sorrow. Or just his faulty brain. But he wasn't... dissociating or whatever it was everyone kept calling it. And that was something right? Maybe he was... maybe all this time that's what it was... as simple as that...
His lips parted tentatively, his hands shaking as they moved to Jordan's breast- chest. Chest. Boys had chests. Right. Oh, bother. Just relax.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:21 pm
Had it only been that Jerry had been too drunk to react, before? Or surprise? He wasn't thinking about that too hard right now, Jordan decided. If he was going to do something stupid like this he might as well just take it as it was right now and not get too distracted with questions he didn't have answers to. Right now - right now it was good, it felt good, Jerry was kissing him back, touching him, just as lightly.
He put his arm around Jerry's shoulders, his eyes closing as he leaned into the kiss, taking the silent invitation but slow, careful, don't push, don't for God's sake freak him out, Jordan reminded himself. Jerry was uncertain enough to begin with.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:49 pm
Candace had always been... forceful. She knew what she wanted and encouraged him to meet those expectations. She had been patient with him, very patient, but even so it had been... not like this. Jordan was safe. Comforting. Didn't expect anything of him. Just wanted to express his love and Jerry felt it, he felt drunk from it, from the sorrow, from the comparison that kept racing through his head and all the things that had terrified him with Candace ... but Jordan seemed just as gentle, just as nervous as him.
Did that make him gay? Was he gay? He still didn't know. He wasn't sure what he was feeling, but he did know that he didn't want it to stop. His fingers tightened on Jordan's shirt, exhaling softly... he tasted different than Candace too. He wasn't sure if it was better or worse but it was different.
His chest and his brain felt like they were going to burst, but he felt... safe. He felt good. He felt... he felt loved as Jordan's arms enveloped him and before he could stop himself, he gave a sharp, tight sob, pulling back from the other man's lips to wrap his arms around him, burying his face against his chest, his shoulders shaking.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:16 am
Warm and gentle and good, not quite as hesitant now, and Jerry was clutching at his shirt and not pulling away, and it put a sharp tight ache in Jordan's chest, but somehow a good hurt. He hadn't wanted this like this, because of hurt and loneliness, but he'd still wanted it too much to refuse, and maybe that had been a mistake because it felt so good -
- and then Jerry was shaking, clinging to him and sobbing, something finally breaking somewhere in him, and Jordan couldn't breathe; was that his fault, had he done something wrong and ruined it, hurt Jerry in spite of how careful he'd tried to be? Jerry wasn't pushing him away, though, and Jordan just held onto him, shaken and confused and wishing he knew what he was supposed to say, because he was supposed to know what to say and how to fix it.
"I'm sorry," he managed after a little while, feeling the words utterly inadequate but not knowing what else he could possibly say.
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