Welcome to Gaia! ::

I hope your job hunting goes well too annd you get out of the rut. It's good your'e going to start school again. ^^ I'm sure it'll all be okay. Maybe the exam will be easy.
Today is my first appointment with a counselor, so I ended up getting up early because I felt nervous.

My first session with the counselor was awkward.. xD;
He would say something then being really silent for at least a minute and just stare at me. I guess he wanted me to say stuff... but I didn't know what to say. Then he tried to teach me a breathing technique but it didn't work well and I felt like I was gonna start having a panic attack right then so I told him it wasn't working, lol.
I have my second appointment in a couple of weeks. I've been feeling emotional lately.. Classes started up yesterday, and I don't feel ready... thinking I should have taken the semester off. sweatdrop
And most of the week I had a horrible headache, and it went away today but my head feels really tight and heavy.. and I'm still dizzy.

Umm Okay Ill introduce myself and open up about the things I have.
My name is Sarah :3 Im 21 years old, I live in New Zealand - Christchurch, The Shakey city, lol.
I have BPD [Boardline Personality Disorder], Bipolar and Depression.

I lost my mother at the age of 16, She had Lymphoma, Which is a type of Cancer the docters or the hospital couldnt cure for her. And she had left it too late and kept putting it off to see the docters.

I was close to her, Like superglue, It was the hardest 8 months me and her went through, I didn't have many friends at school or even someone to talk too. We did have counselors, But I saw them a few times and it was like they didnt know even how to help. So my docter set up for me to go to psychiatrist, I went for about a month, And I would leave feeling alright, but the pain and confusion always came back.

In school, I had hard time trying to control my anger, I would lash out, hit, beat up people that said nasty things about me, or my mother. I would see less of my mother every month, She always went back, stayed in hospital for a few days, to a week, then months. I felt like no one heard me crying, or screaming inside, I would do silly things as cut myself, hang myself etc.
The day I found out she wasnt going to live was one of the hardest days in my life, And I still remember it even now 5 years later like it was yesterday. I cried so much, But I cried even more the day she passed away, [16/07/2007.]

I still can't help but think about all those bad times. My mothers docter said to me a week ago, That its time I moved on, But I just can't, Not yet.
Maybe never.
I went to see my Grandma in hospital a week ago, and I started to feel the cold sweat coming, I felt sick and fainty, I cant stand hospitals but She has been so great to me since mum passed away, Shes like a second mother.

I wish I had the support I have now, back 5 years ago when it all happened, It ALWAYS runs through my mind.
I dont see my brother often, Hes 7 years older then me. Mum couldnt tell him as much as she told me, She always explained the pain she was going through...every little thing, She would tell me.
My father and mother broke up when I was 7-8 years old, Due to my father gambling and not giving up drinking to the point he became an alcoholic.

My mother was 50 years old when she passed away.
And over time, I thought things would get better for me, But they just keep getting worse, Ive been to the docters and they up my dose on meds all the time. Im currently taking two types of Antidepresents and Sleeping medication. When I was only taking one type of medication when mum got cancer- to when she passed away.

Just seems and feels like everything keeps getting worse, IM getting worse. Its like a huge circle. Neverending.
My mothers cat passed away last year, She was 17, which is a good age, It was very hard and sad to say Goodbye, The vet put her down in my arms. It was like another part of mum gone, And its almost been a year, She was put down the day after Valentines day.
Its just sad watching people and animals go.

I try my best not to let my past catch up to me, But its hard, Specially on the days they passed away, I hope someday I can move on and be who I was before everything happened.
I feel silly living in the past, I feel like I have to 'move on' Part of me really does, but the other part just wont let go.

Then we have the earthquakes here in Christchurch, Which makes things ALOT harder to deal with, I dont feel safe, But I dont want to leave Christchurch, because its my home town.

So many feelings and emotions, Its just hard, It really is.


Sorry for the sad long story, Its a hard thing to explain >_<
If you have read down to the bottom, Thank you for taking your time reading this <3 It means alot too me.

I haven't self harmed for a few years now, But I do think about it, But I have self control to stop myself which Im proud of myself for that.

As for Suicidal... Yeah, I think about it all the time, When I do think about it, the thought is always 'I want to be with my mum' When life is hard for me I think about it alot.
My moods are always up and down, Lately I havent been to good, Bills, The place I live in by myself is far away from family. So I just wish I had someone else here because it would make things a whole lot better.