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 Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 5:54 pm
Where by 'something I can safely take it out on', she was sure he didn't mean Robert. Reine felt like she needed to talk it out, after all- the sooner they got over this stupid... thing, the better; she wasn't convinced that just hitting things would ever solve the problem. But what was she supposed to say to them?
"I'd be up for that, I guess, if you ever needed it, as well."
She leaned against him, though still tense- she wasn't completely used to all this touchy-feely stuff, and rested her head against him.
"I wish I'd met you earlier," she said wistfully. Half of her was imagining replacing Robert with Jordan altogether, but just the thought of Jordan and Petra somehow made her feel sick, and she chased that away.
"Why is he such an idiot I don't even know where to tackle this, anymore. This was supposed to be my escape, you know, from them. What do I do now, huh? If I'd known it wouldn't have helped, I feel like.. I wouldn't have taken the offer."
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:38 pm
"Good practice, anyway," Jordan replied. He could feel how tense she was, and responded by loosening his hold on her shoulders, just resting his arm there. He sighed. "I wasn't much before coming here," he said. "Determinedly average. Best place to hide is in a crowd, right?"
A small, amused smile. "He is an idiot, but a loyal one who tries to do the right thing, most of the time," Jordan said gently. Dangerous territory, considering how strained the relationship seemed to be, but he wasn't going to deceive Reine about his friendship with Robert.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:56 pm
"I wanted to stand out, sort of," she admitted. "But I wasn't really the crowd kind.. I felt like I'd rather be alone, so I spent most of my time in the labs, or the library. Typical nerd, I guess."
To be honest, she'd hated crowds completely. She couldn't stand the buzzing noise around her- all the mixed-up words and bits of sentences, none of them meant for her.
Crowds were the loneliest place in the world, Reine thought, shivering.
"Are you content with being average now, though?" That didn't seem like what she knew of Jordan, and that led her to another thought. They were hunters now, whatever had happened in the past- they were as good as different people, almost.
"I know," she admitted, her voice small, when he talked about Robert. "I grew up with him, I know.. but it's like things have gotten out of hand with just.. everything, and I don't know where to begin. He.. tries, but I hate that, now. I can't stand even the sight of him, because he tries too hard, and he never had to, you know- how can he talk about protecting me, or even consider trying to shove me back in a pod, when he can't even straighten out his own life? And his relationship? I don't know what they're like, now. I haven't seen Petra in years. Maybe they've fixed things between themselves, I don't know, they've had months to be together, but even so, how am I supposed to forgive him.. just like that?"
Her voice was growing increasingly squeakier, threatening to become hysterical again, as she spoke, and multiple times she stumbled on her words; it was getting harder to talk somehow.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:48 pm
"I watched people all the time, but beyond that, I preferred to be left alone. Or I thought I did, at least." Jordan shook his head. "Being A1 - that surprised me, when I remembered myself, after we died. Me, stepping up and doing things instead of letting it slide or letting someone else take over? Deciding it was my job to take care of the little group we had? That was something I didn't know I needed to be, but there it was. And if I just let that slide, I wasn't just disappointing myself; I'd be letting down all of you and breaking my promise." He sighed. "So I decided that I was done being just some guy. I was going to try to be the guy who wanted everyone to survive that test, and stood up and tried to do something about it, even if he screwed up or failed."
That's why you're mine, Ferros whispered. Because you quit giving up. I liked that.
Thanks. Jordan couldn't think of anything else to say to his weapon; instead, he just let Ferros share what he felt. There was a brief, silent, wordless exchange; then Ferros settled back again, letting him think without interruption.
He leaned over, just a little, and rested his chin on Reine's head the way he'd used to do with his youngest cousin Sarah. "You don't have to forgive him," he said. "You just have to be able to talk to him. Without punching," he added, with a tinge of humor.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 8:16 pm
She couldn't say anything back to him that she didn't feel self-conscious about; she wanted him to know how much it meant to her, what he'd done back during the trial. That he wasn't just 'some guy' to her, he could never be.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know I started that thing with A5, and I don't think I can be sorry.. to him, but you were putting in all that effort and I just.. did something like that, without thinking. I didn't always use to be like this," Reine murmured. "I thought I could face everything without, you know, all this being annoying."
All that pent-up rage had to go somewhere eventually, she guessed, but it didn't mean she liked it. For the longest time she'd channeled everything into being productive- that was how she forgave Petra for simply standing by when she'd been beaten up by their dad; because she had some semblance of a future she'd wanted to work her way towards.
But Robert..
"He deserved that punch, at least, for what he did to me." she said darkly. "But I'll try to.. you know, rein it in." His attempt at humour was appreciated, and she returned it with a joke she hoped he would catch, at least.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:37 pm
"I did screw up during the test," Jordan answered. "Because I was thinking too much and not thinking at all. Because I forgot that everybody else was thinking too." He rested his cheek against the top of her head. "It's okay," he said. "We're all on the same side now. And anyone who's still got a grudge ... well, I'll beat them up." He grinned. "Or they'll beat me up, or whatever. But we're Hunters now, and even with all the stupid that came from before, we can work together, because there's more important things now." He kissed the top of Reine's head, gently, remembering Sarah's nightmares.
"I won't tell you he didn't deserve it," he said quietly. "He probably did. I just hope you'd punch me, too, if I did something dumb."
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:21 am
"I guess we can," she said softly, nuzzling against him. "I don't.. think.. I don't know, it's all a blur now, I mean--"
Reine shivered when he kissed her on the forehead.
How strange, how different from Robert; it brought back memories of that night he'd forcefully kissed her, and how for just a moment she'd thought it'd be okay, that she still loved him and they could be together and happy, only to realise she didn't, and that this was all wrong.
That there was really nothing special between them, anymore, and she'd probably just clung on to the idea of Robert and love and everything because she hadn't had anything else, in her new life. It was books she'd turned to, not other people. But Robert had Petra, and he'd cheated on her, once again making Reine- no, Roberta his accomplice in a crime she never really wanted to commit. But if so, it was Petra that needed to forgive Robert; the only thing Reine could hold against the man was stealing- and ruining her first kiss.
Somehow, Jordan, with that gentle kiss on her forehead, had managed to simultaneously help her get over a mental block or two, and also completely confuse her. Tremulously she reached to hug him-- but why was there the feeling that she was doing something awfully wrong? She couldn't shake it, but she couldn't bring herself to let go, either.
"You held us together," she whispered. "But I guess it's okay to crack, sometimes, and whatever it means, I'm here for you. I'll punch you in the face, hard, if I think you're being stupid, but I-- l.. respect.. you, and.. and that means instead of leaving you on the ground, I'll stay with you."
Her arms curled around him a little tighter.
"Promise you'll take me with you, next time, if you ever feel like you need to beat things up. The shadowlings, I mean."
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:06 pm
"When someone cracks, we'll requisition some duct tape for repair purposes," Jordan said, straight-faced, and squeezed Reine's shoulders again, lightly. "Thank you. I really do trust you to let me know if I'm screwing up," he added, "and that honesty means a lot to me."
"Sounds good to me," he nodded. "It's kind of relaxing. It a weird way."
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:29 pm
"I don't know if duct tape is good enough.. it's not a permanent fix. And I trust you to be honest with me, as well."
She sat up, still leaning against him, and looked him straight in the eye, as if preparing to say something. For some reason it was tempting to just throw her arms around his neck and hug him, but she didn't- or couldn't.
Reine sensed she'd made some mistake, somehow, in offering to be there for him if he needed it; they barely knew each other, and he was far more guarded, she supposed, than she was. He wasn't completely open with her, but then- he really didn't need to be, did he? An odd feeling of helplessness was creeping over her again, but she managed to keep it away by scolding herself.
No more breakdowns. She'd let herself be vulnerable, today- that was her excuse for all this.. touchy-feely behaviour. The next time she saw Jordan it would be different, and she had to keep her cool around him; around everyone else, really. He'd just helped her sort out her thoughts, and that was enough- that was all there was to it.
Nothing else.
And yet, as she looked into his eyes there was a warm bubbly happiness, one she couldn't suppress. Tearing her gaze away, she flopped back down on the bed, and remained silent.
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:45 pm
"Good for keeping things together for long enough to work again, though," he answered with a smile. "Thank you."
She'd shaken his composure a little more than he liked to admit, even to himself; he'd drawn back instinctively, still painfully wary of showing his own weakness. Saying as much as he had had been part a careful, considered offer, trading vulnerability for vulnerability, but it had touched memories and feelings he couldn't deal with yet. Not now, not yet, not when everything was still so fragile.
He was suddenly aware of her closeness, of how personal it was to be sitting here on her bed, just the two of them; it was almost a relief when she moved away and flopped back down on the bed. "You okay?" he asked. "Should I let you sleep?"
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:52 pm
"I think that might be for the best," Reine said, her voice barely audible. She'd pulled her legs up and crossed her arms over them, resting her head there. Part of her wanted to say 'No, don't go-' another part wanted to ask if he'd mind staying the night, but she knew the implications of that, and she didn't want him to misunderstand.
Her skin felt cold, almost, now that she wasn't leaning into him anymore, but the blanket would suffice, and her night-light would remain on for a few more nights. She didn't really need his company, she would be fine.. on her own.
"Good night," she whispered, before she could regret it. "Thank you."
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:58 pm
"All right." Jordan got up and paused for just a moment, just looking at Reine - she looked so small and tired, and he wanted to help, somehow, get that lost look off her face. He didn't know how. "Good night, Reine," he said quietly, and went out again, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
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