Welcome to Gaia! ::

This. Please don't give up. ;_;

Mouse and everyone else aren't here to rend your quest limb from limb - they seriously want to help, and if they didn't, they wouldn't be in your quest thread in the first place. Like I told you before, Christa/Kallichore went through three or four major revisions, four pages of crit (and trolling) and took nearly a year to get accepted. These days it's much easier to get concrit and work things out and it's easier to get a character. All in all a better shop, I'd say.

But just because it's discouraged that he be blind doesn't mean he can't be a great character otherwise! You still have an excellent semi-snotty religious dude with a penchant for reading and manipulating people. He can still be the same guy with similar/revised traits, the same weapon, etc and he's still good that way. What Mouse is trying to do is explain what she thinks could use improvement, not that you suck or anything, but it is hard sometimes to take crit on something you worked very hard on. Goodness knows I've experienced it before - 5 years as an art major gets your s**t ripped to shreds despite you working a month solid on it. And it stung when Christa got torn up (and trolled) too. I had to replace, revise and outright scrap virtues and flaws until she became something workable. She was too negative and too internal to interact with most anyone, which wouldn't work in a shop devoted to people interacting with others. She's still kind of an a**, but has softened into something that works because people were willing to help me with her.

That being said, I don't know everything about Youma so I apologize if I gave you an idea that didn't end up working. But that's okay, we all make mistakes.

But if you did wish to start over, that's okay too. Just know that the people here want to help as best they can, and if they didn't like your character, they wouldn't be in the thread to help you out. heart

Crit away!

I admit right off I'm going to be aggressive with the drug habit, it's a dangerous trait and a personal hot button with me, so please bear with me.

This 'hobby' will, weather or not the character chooses to accept it or not, have an impact on his health. No drug, from caffine on up, including the much lauded marijuana, comes side effect free, and if someone says otherwise they're in denial and need to do some more research.
Since he almost died from heroin, he seems likely to be aware, however unconsciously, that his hobby is dangerous. Did he switch to other drugs as a response to trying to swear off heroin? Is he in conscious or unconscious denial that he's still in danger every time he samples a drug recreationally?
How does he explain their detrimental effects when they crop up, as they would, in the rest of his life, potentially impacting things like the running that he loves so much?
Did he take drugs while he was in high school? Did they relate to his use of dirty tactics, or did they come afterward?

Reading his 'indulgent' trait makes me think that he is indeed in a subconscious denial about his indulgent behavior danger to his person, in favor of paying attention to the pleasure it gives him. It would be really cook to see this deliberate set of blinders detailed out into a clear flaw of their own, and would work well in a new Negaverse agent who isn't yet hardened enough to shrug off the darker aspects of the Negaverse.

I don't know if it would count as a flaw but there's also potential to cause himself, and others trouble if he goes into withdrawal from his hobby in the line of duty. Drugged out soldiers are bound to loose some of their edge, and on drugs or in withdrawal, he has an open window to hard lessons and mistakes. Could make for some interesting rp if you roll with it.


I'm not entirely sure that I personally see 'indulgent' as a virtue the way it's written, but maybe thats because of the implicit flaw aspects of it. It could be done up as a trait that sits on both sides of the virtue/flaw line, but it would take some rewriting and separating the positive and negative traits.


Those are the things I see right off that I'd love to see detailed, hopefully it helps a bit? He could definitely be interesting to play across from, which is part of the reason i'd like to see those two traits explored more.

Also as a random question: I feel like the challenge hints at something personal for him but it wasn't immediately obvious what it was? Could you tell us more about it, just as a point of curiosity?

I'll refrain from debate on its military use, but one of the reasons I tend to be hard on it is because especially in rp it tends to be treated as though it has no side effects or consequences, which is a bit ridiculous and seriously over glamorized in an 'instant bad boy/girl' just add drugs and teh LULZ.

Hopefully the crit overall wasn't too obnoxious and helps lead to some fun ideas down the road!

I may be in the minority on here who'd say there's nothing terribly wrong with controlled recreational drug use, but I'd caution about playing with drugs like cocaine and meth, which are mentioned in the profile. When you're tossing in drugs like those, which quickly go from recreational fun to really screwing your life up, you may be digging a hole for your character.

It might be very tough to roleplay a character who is messing around with drugs at that level of seriousness that can so quickly form into an addiction. Unless you have some experience with the drugs or addiction, it might be playing with fire a bit depending on how you represent it.

I'm saying this more as a friendly tip more than a crit.

I just want to comment on his appearance...

It seems unrealistic that, as someone who has been playing with hard drugs for years, his body is unmarked by it.

Alois has a horrible diet, stays inside, and there's no real mention of any exercise or counter measures to the fack he'd have developed horrible skin, and various other issues. You specifically mention that he has no real scars or marks, when he should likely have track marks from his ordeal with heroine, and all sorts of issues, at this stage from the meth.

Meth ingredients include ephedrine or pseudoephedrine, red phosphorous, hydrochloric acid, drain cleaner, battery acid, lye, lantern fuel, and antifreeze, none of which do pretty things.

The drug literally changes the brain in fundamental and long-lasting ways. It kills by causing heart failure (myocardial infarction), brain damage, and stroke and it induces extreme, acute psychiatric and psychological symptoms that may lead to suicide or murder.

Short-term effects, and physical effects include: pupil dilation, respiratory disorders, dizziness, tooth grinding, impaired speech, dry or itchy skin, loss of appetite, acne, sores, numbness, and sweating. irritability, extreme nervousness, insomnia, confusion, tremors, anxiety, aggression, incessant talking, hyperthermia, and convulsions [that latter two can result in death].

In general, once you do meth a few times, it's hard to stop, which is the issue teens run into from trying it at a party or two. In fact, one hit IS really all it takes, and eventually, your body stops producing feel-good chemicals for itself, so you grow to need that drug in order to not feel completely worthless.

I am perfectly comfortable listing my background with drugs, which is that I graduated as the top 1% of my law enforcement training, where we had a large emphasis on meth, in particular [followed by marijuana], due to the specific drug problems in our county, as well as working with the public [and many, many drug users] in the past three years, including many, many teenagers.

Hope this helps in your quest to make a realistic drug addict character!

Someone that starts with heroin, nearly dies, and then also uses meth, coke, LSD, and so on is no longer considered a 'dabbler.' Since he'll have been using these drugs over a number of a years at this point. Of course, if he HASN'T been using them over several years, he's even worse off, since that would suggest he's run through all these drugs in a far shorter time-frame.

Bump, cuz stuff changed!