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 Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:25 pm
"I don't claim to set the standard," she parried. "Nor am I so ashamed of the person I am that I would throw it away so frivolously." Besides, what good was it to throw away identity when memories, knowledge, and experience would remain? It was no better than wearing a mask. One could change how one would be viewed by others, but one could not change how one viewed oneself.
"I am not so selfish to request any more of life. I asked for the opportunity to kill my brother. I was given that. The fact that I failed doesn't give me the right to ask for more." In all honesty, she had always expected that her life would end shortly after that of her brother's. When she had lost - or perhaps given up - that desire, though, she did not lose nor give up responsibility for the atrocities she had committed in the name of that desire. She had achieved the opportunity to complete her life's wish; the fact that she had passed it up did not mean that she did not have the same price to repay.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:08 pm
"It's not about shame, it's about not being discriminated for your old record," the informant tried to reason with her. "Are you really so prideful that you can't see that? People turn over new leaves. Start fresh. If that's not for you, that's understandable, but don't act as though you see no point in it. Or benefit." Stubborn as always. Had she always been so adamant about living with her crimes? It was self-punishment, same as her workaholic attitude. This girl couldn't seem to get enough.
Now the man was beginning to look irritated. He sunk his hands deeper into his parka pockets. "You know, normal people would interpret 'not so selfish to request any more of life' as a fancy way of saying you have no reason to live. Dangerous statement, there." He regarded her with a hard gaze.
"You asked for the opportunity. You were given that, along with a lot more knowledge that I'm sure changed your mind. If you hadn't allowed yourself to reason through what you were doing and forced yourself to kill him anyway, then I would call you void of the thought process and moral sense of right and wrong that many would say make us human."
Izaya's expression softened. "I've met many people who have come to me telling me they want to die. That is, until we have a little discussion about it. Some are casual believers of the afterlife, but I, personally, think that we just cease to exist. Nothingness, nothing more, forever. How could anyone willingly accept a fate like that?"
He had done terrible things, too. Told people he would die with them online, met them in real life, drugged them, revealed he'd lied, then allowed them to wake hours later, just to see how he'd made them change their mind. It had been a common hobby of his before Team Rocket, experiments on human psychology like that. Eventually he'd gotten bored of it, but never once had he met someone who had been entirely calm throughout the whole situation.
"I've always wondered what drives people into taking their own lives. They say that no one really wants to die...they just want to be saved." He tilted his head. "Do you believe that?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:57 pm
"I may not be proud of everything I have ever done, but I am proud of my life, and I am proud of who I am." Call me prideful if you will, her words invited. I would rather live in pride than in shame. She wouldn't judge the people Izaya spoke of, though. Her circumstances allowed her to live as pridefully as she did, but her circumstances were not the norm. "I have no control over others' lives nor any place to judge them," she admitted, "but I will not claim to understand any who would discard themselves."
The hardening expression went without response, and she matched his gaze with her same adamance. "My reason to live was to avenge my family name. Now it is to serve my team. Were I without purpose, I would not work as diligently as I do." Or 'bury herself,' as he seemed to think.
"I could care less for theories regarding the afterlife," she said, her tone carrying the verbal hints of a shrug. "You can theorize and surmise and believe all you like. It's no different from predicting next week's weather and has far less impact on one's life. You call it 'fate,' but fate is a part of living. Whatever follows is ineffectual."
Her expressions soured at the topic of suicide. Cowards and quitters, those without pride enough to face the consequences of the life they built for themselves. "Perhaps some. Perhaps others merely think of death as a vehicle to achieve happiness. Who are we to surmise the motives of dead men?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:44 pm
"Sometimes the sole purpose of working for a team is not enough. Unless you were a bee or an ant or some other hive-minded creature, there's no way you can be content with just that." he answered, frowning. "Humans are selfish, individual creatures, whether we want to admit to it or not. We need our own purposes. Seeing yourself as a part of something else doesn't make you any less of an individual than you are. You need to look out for yourself too."
She was right. He could go on and on for hours about this, but that didn't mean she would change her way of thinking. She was who she was, and that was it. It was like trying to change the mind of a rock. Or Shizuo. At least she wasn't purposeless yet, but she seemed pretty darn close to it. Living only for the sake of others or one's team was pretty much the same as not having a reason to want to live in Izaya's book - particularly for someone who had the same view of 'friends' as he did.
If her team needed her to die, he doubted at this point that she would object to it, even if she had once held Marco's similar decision in sigh high contempt. It appeared she didn't consider her relationship to the criminal organization as personal as the one she had once had with her old band of young thieves.
"They're all idiots," Izaya said blandly. "No one respects or embraces death anymore like they should~ They merely go to it to end their pain in hopes of a better life, or simply out of fear. There's no respect for nothingness," he murmured. "Ah, me, spoiling the moment. Would you say it's about lunch time? We could go pick up coffee at that old place we used to meet at."
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:07 pm
"Sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes it is." And who other than herself could determine when those times were? "Not everyone is so selfish that their wishes are for their own benefit and no one else's. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who prefer to assist others before they see to their own needs."
There was a short hum that seemed unsure itself whether it was bored or amused, "You generalize an awful lot, don't you?" she observed. "If it makes you feel any better," since the subject seemed to have brought up some harder feelings, "I'm in no rush to find my end. I fully intend to create the most good from my life as time allows." Somewhat of an ironic way to phrase it, given her occupation, but the meaning was present. The offer for lunch was met with a silent sigh and a weary expression. A long moment passed in silent consideration before she gave her tentative response, "Fine."
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:03 pm
"At least they know they have their own needs," the man muttered under his breath. "You can't even remember to fulfill your own basic ones, like eating and sleeping." Which, of course, was why there were out there in Camphoreon on this mandatory day off. But of course Aila wouldn't see it that way. From what Izaya saw, her overwhelming sense of self-righteousness was clouding her responsibility to herself.
"Yes, I generalize," he confirmed. "I don't tend to take an interest in particular individuals, remember? It's the human race as a whole that I observe, as well as human nature. Anomalies like you are thorns in my side." He forced the corner of his mouth up in a mirthless half-smile. "You talk about creating the most good from your life, yet you're a highly-ranking member of a criminal organization. Haha, you were always something of a mystery to me..." he chuckled, allowing the topic to drop.
"No caffine, though. A day off doesn't mean you get to stay up all night working to make up for it."
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:28 pm
She shrugged off the murmured comment. She could have argued against it, but it was largely a moot point and she doubted Izaya would care for her argument anyway.
Another brief hum, this time easily identified as amused and tinged with a certain satisfaction. At the very least, her bitter anger ignited by the sudden meeting with Marcus seemed to have been subverted. "Generalizing can be a dangerous game anyway," she commented offhandedly. "I imagine you might come across more anomalies than you'd think. Not that I would call myself anything of an expert."
She replied with a sound akin to a scoff, "I have no intention of engaging in any activities that would indicate to the medical staff that I need more time off." Besides, she was tired.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 5:01 pm
"Aren't those the only kind of games worth playing?" Izaya mused as he offered an arm for her to take. He doubt she would, but it was always worth it to see her reaction.
"I imagine I would, too...if I made a habit of studying individual grains of sand on a beach," he answered metaphorically. "Me, though; I prefer to enjoy the view of the whole shoreline. The big picture. Why grow attached to a single speck when I have an entire beach of sand to play with?"
It was, of course, his way of saying 'Don't go thinking you're more special than anyone else in my eyes'. The fact that he had to establish that, though, probably meant something else entirely. He waved the thought away, now growing steadily more irritated with himself.
"Good. Glad to hear it. Because time off couldn't possibly be good for you or enjoyable."
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