The diary of Seraphine Mariele von Renata

[BlackFireKitsune]

This solo takes place the day after the roleplay Hard to Handle.

xxxWhile Seraphine had begun to wake up from her short coma through the early hours of the morning, it wasn't until a few hours later that she regained full consciousness; until then it had been just fleeting moments of cognizance, usually just a couple minutes at a time. Now, though, she was awake, despite the heavy, pervasive fog that clouded her mind and blurred her thoughts. Thinking remained a difficulty for a while longer, and her responses to simple questions were quiet and curt, consisting of maybe a few words at most. Still, the staff had been completely confident that she would recover from the coma, insisting it would be short-term and last maybe two or three days at most, though luckily she recovered much earlier than their estimation.

xxxWhenever she had asked about her mother's persistently depressed and weepy countenance from the moment of her waking, they had denied that anything was wrong, and she had let the matter drop in favor of sleeping more. She almost couldn't help but fall back to sleep so easily. Eventually, though, she woke up and stayed awake long enough for them to break the news to her, so that at the very least she'd be aware of her father's passing, even if she wasn't fully aware of herself yet.

xxx"He passed away in the car accident you were in yesterday. He died instantly; he didn't suffer..."

xxxA nurse had said those words, because her mother was too indisposed to do so herself; huddled over in a chair, her face buried into her hands as she wept bitter tears. Something moved Seraphine, and she made efforts to try and rise to go to her mother, though the ache throughout her entire body, as well as the still heavy fog in her mind, prevented her from doing so - the nurses weren't having any of that, either, as they encouraged her to stay horizontal. An odd sort of dull aching pain in her arm confused her, though, and she shifted her gaze to the ceiling, confused. Moving her head that far over that fast was a bad idea, so she settled for attempting to shift the arm.

xxx"Ah, there's something else, too," one of the nurses said quickly as soon as she noticed the girl move.

xxxIt, too, felt heavy, though, oddly, not as heavy as the right arm, she noted, hardly registering the fact that she was being spoken to.

xxx"Your arm was severely damaged in the accident --"

xxxSeverely damaged. She'd at least heard that - but what did it mean? With a growing feeling of dread, the brunette made one last effort to shift her gaze and at least partially raise her injured arm.

xxx"-- because it was crushed between the two cars. They--"

xxxThe nurse could not finish her sentence, because a blood-curdling scream erupted from the room and echoed shrilly down the halls.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

You don't even know what she's rambling about in this entry, but whatever it is, she sounds rather angry about it.

xxxJune 17th, 2013

xxxbullshit bullshit bullshit everything is made of so much bullshit right now I can't even ******** stand how much bullshit is going on right now

xxxIs this all just a dream? Some ******** ridiculous nightmare? Am I high or something? Maybe I'm hallucinating. Really, really realistic hallucinations. For several days.

xxxA car accident, the day before Father's Day. Father died the day before Father's day. That is such a joke. Who the hell's idea was this? What the hell kind of sick joke, what the ******** kind of goddamned irony is that bullshit?

xxxI can't even ******** think about the other thing because I'll just have to scream and break something again because I literally cannot stand any of this

xxxholy s**t I need a drink

xxxor maybe all the drinks

xxx~ 27 ~

[BlackFireKitsune]

This solo takes place immediately following the roleplay Are you still mad?

xxxHer bitter, biting thoughts only sent her mood spiraling faster into the abyss, and the fact she had upset him did nothing to help except hasten her downfall. It was with a heart that grew heavier with each passing moment that she deposited her phone on her bed after he hung up, and she clung to her Umbreon with both arms, burying her face into the dark fur as the tears started to slide down her cheeks.

xxxWhat was wrong with her? What had she said – what had she done wrong? She had obviously done something wrong to elicit such an angry, frustrated response – it would’ve been incredibly foolish to think that she hadn’t upset him when he clearly admitted that she had done so – but she just couldn’t pinpoint exactly what that had been. Where had she gone wrong? She’d only answered his question, wasn’t that what he wanted? Was he upset by the answer? No, that couldn’t have been it.

xxxFrustrated by the dead ends her thoughts kept running towards, Sera released her dark-type and practically threw herself back – sideways, really – onto the bed, reaching for and pulling her pillow over her face with an exasperated sigh. She hated being upset, she hated crying; so why was she crying now? No, she knew the answer to that question already. Instead of focusing on that more, though, her mind drifted back to the last time she’d cried because of – or around – Akira. She’d been upset by everything then, too, but mostly the aftereffects of her accident. And then Akira had only wanted to help, to cheer her up – he had only good intentions that day, and yet everything he said and did only served to frustrate and upset her further. It wasn’t his fault. He had no idea a Leafeon would remind her of her long-lost Umbreon she’d never told him about. He had no idea she’d been in a fatal car crash that had killed her father and robbed her of every sense of normalcy she’d come to be accustomed to after the past year. He had no idea that she’d lost her hand, her father, her confidence, her sense of self – everything.

xxxIt was kind of funny how life worked, now that she thought about it – funny in a miserable, ironic way. She’d lost everything physically last year, and this year she’d lost everything emotionally, plus a few physical things that weren’t taken from her the year before. Funny.

xxxAkira didn’t know any of that, though, and how could he? She’d never told him – didn’t even entertain the thought of telling him until that day, though she couldn’t exactly remember everything she’d said now. Nothing good, she was sure, and likely only awful things to bring him down. He’d only been trying to help, that’s all, and she’d yelled at him. How could she have? He only wanted to help. Even when he didn’t have anything to say, he still tried – by sitting with her, by not leaving her alone, by playing a song for her… What song had that been again? That had helped somewhat, though she couldn’t recall the words now…

xxxDesperate to push away the sadness and tears her thoughts forced on her, she rolled over under the pillow and reached for her phone to pull it under, then proceeded to slowly tap out a text. Texting with one hand had been nice when she had to do it before, but now that it was her only option, it was nothing but cumbersome and frustrating.

xxxxxxxxxx[What's that song u had me listen to on your mp3 player last time?]

xxxAfter waiting a few moments, her thumb hovering over the ‘send’ button – why would he even answer? She’d only upset him, he wasn’t going to answer her now – she finally bit her lip and pressed the button, watching as the phone dutifully sent the message. With a sigh, she lowered the phone and shook her head at herself. Why was she even asking? There was no way he’d—

xxxThe vibration in her hand startled her as her phone’s screen flashed a new message notification. He.. answered? But she’d upset him, why would he…

xxxxxxxxxx ['Odd One' by Sick Puppies. Hope it helps.]

xxxShe read over the text a couple times before tapping out a simple response, having far less difficulty sending this one as opposed to the previous one:

xxxxxxxxxx [Thank you]

xxxAfter sending it, the brunette dropped her phone onto the mattress so she could wipe her eyes with her now free hand, then picked it back up before navigating back to his text to read it again. Sick Puppies… What kind of band name was that? None she’d heard of before, surely, and not one she would’ve even considered listening to a few years ago. Especially coupled with a song title like that.Now, though, she took the distraction he offered and clung to it like a lifeline, pushing the pillow off of her with a sniffle as she pushed herself up to a sitting position. With the pillow shoved unceremoniously back to its typical spot – or the general area of it, anyway – and her phone sitting forgotten at her side, the brunette reached for her bedside table and pulled her laptop over. Thankfully the device wasn’t heavy and was easy to move with one hand, and thus she moved it with little trouble and set it down in front of her. Opening it with one hand – and her short arm, of course – had become a trivial task that was almost second nature by now, lifting the screen with her hand while she held the bottom half down with her other arm, and a quick tap of the touchpad brought the screen to life.

xxxUsing the mouse and clicking had always, obviously, been a simple task, but typing was now tedious and cumbersome – moreso than always texting one-handed. Everything took so much longer, but thankfully she wasn’t as slow as she was right after the accident. In little time at all, the girl had navigated to YouTube, where she paused to pick up her phone once more to double-check the song’s title and band before typing them into the search bar. It took mere seconds for the results to appear, and she took a moment to connect her headphones to her laptop before placing an earbud in each ear, then chose one that looked like it included lyrics.

xxxThe song was just as she remembered it – or, well, as much as she could remember a song she heard once a few weeks previously – and now she had the benefit of having the lyrics laid out in front of her. It was still a little odd, she couldn’t help but think, that she could sort of relate to the song. Such a feeling wasn’t one she was used to; songs were for dancing to at clubs, or for chasing silence away in places where it wasn’t wanted. She never had any inclination or desire – nor any thought, even – that she could relate to a song like this. It hadn’t really occurred to her before, at least not on any conscious level, that she could or might want to do so. Now, though, she found herself drawn to the song’s instrumentals as much as its lyrics – the gentler parts of the melody balanced out the, as she saw them, more emotional parts, and the lyrics seemed to match both parts. It was an odd feeling, listening to this song – it sort of made her feel better, but it also reminded her a little of how she used to be and how much she had changed since then. Not concerned with acceptance? Bullshit now.

xxxShe sighed and leaned back a bit as the song ended, and a light frown came to her face before her pale eyes drifted along the right edge of her browser. Related songs… Well, that couldn’t hurt. With a curiosity that was more purposeful than passing – if she focused on listening to songs she hadn’t heard before, she couldn’t let her thoughts drift to painful topics that only stabbed at her own sense of guilt and therefore she wouldn’t cry – she clicked one of the other songs. Right away she disliked this one and, with another frown, moved the mouse to choose another one before her previous choice had even progressed half a minute. This one was a little better, but not a lot… Nothing about it really drew her attention, though, which wandered too much after a good minute or so, and so her gaze scanned the other songs this band had to offer. Her brows furrowed as her pale eyes settled on one in particular that caught her attention for some reason, and with an internal shrug she clicked it.

xxxxxxxxxxI walk the line of the disappointed
xxxxxxxxxxI celebrate when I'm in pain
xxxxxxxxxxMy heart and mind can be disjointed
xxxxxxxxxxI built a bed in this hole I made
xxxxxxxxxxI recognize that I'm damaged
xxxxxxxxxxI sympathize that you are too
xxxxxxxxxxBut I wanna breathe without feelin' so self-conscious
xxxxxxxxxxBut it's hard when the world's starin' at you.

xxxAlmost immediately the song struck a chord in her, stabbed straight through her thoughts and emotions right to the feelings deep down she never voiced, and her green eyes widened as they flicked from the screen to the end of her short arm and back again. What… What was this? It was almost as if the song was… mocking her, voicing her innermost thoughts and feelings of herself. Not all of it, of course, but it had barely even started and already it made her uncomfortable.

xxxxxxxxxxAnother piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit
xxxxxxxxxxYou throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you working for?
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you searching for?
xxxxxxxxxxLove

xxxHer eyes widened again, her brows raised. Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Seriously? This was almost ridiculous – no, it was ridiculous.

xxxxxxxxxxYou won't be thinking of cars when
xxxxxxxxxxYou're on yo—

xxxA strangled gasp escaped her as she suddenly and mercilessly slammed her laptop shut with a resounding snap, her eyebrows as high as they could go and her eyes wide as dinner plates as she stared at the offending piece of technology, as if it had personally wronged her. Cars. Why was it mentioning cars? Had she even heard that right? Surely it hadn’t said ‘cars,’ there was no need for it to. With a great deal of hesitance, Seraphine re-opened her laptop and carefully backtracked to that specific phrase.

xxxxxxxxxxYou won't be thinking of cars when
xxxxxxxxxxYou're on your death bed and dyin',
xxxxxxxxxxYou'll—

xxxAnother ‘snap’ cut off the lyrics as the brunette quickly shut the laptop again. It did say ‘cars.’ Was this even for real? There was no way. Absolutely no way in hell.

xxxxxxxxxxYou’ll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
xxxxxxxxxxWhat you are praying for
xxxxxxxxxxLove

xxxWith a soft groan, Sera ran her hand over her face, staring at the shifting lyrics on her screen as the music floated innocently through her headphones, a sick feeling whirling in the pit of her stomach. This couldn’t be real. There was no way this was real – absolutely not. There just couldn’t be… This was ridiculous.

xxxxxxxxxxYou join the line of the getting richer
xxxxxxxxxxYou keep your pace but it's movin' slow
xxxxxxxxxxYou are defined by all that you have hoarded
xxxxxxxxxxBut you're surprised it doesn't fill up the hole.

xxxHer hand shifted to cover her mouth, feeling like she was going to be sick. No way. There was no way.

xxxxxxxxxxAnother piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
xxxxxxxxxxYou throw your arms up—

xxx “Damn right I do!” She shouted at her computer with a sudden spark of anger, acting just as the song said and throwing her arms in the air in her exasperation. This was the most ridiculous display of bullshit she’d ever heard in her life. Was someone playing a trick on her? Was this some sort of sick practical joke?

xxxxxxxxxx—you're so damn sick of it.
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you coping for?
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you hoping for?
xxxxxxxxxxLove

xxxxxxxxxxYou won't be thinking of cars when
xxxxxxxxxxYou're on your death bed and dyin',
xxxxxxxxxxYou'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
xxxxxxxxxxWhat you are praying for
xxxxxxxxxxLove

xxxxxxxxxxI'll never be what I see on the TV screen.
xxxxxxxxxxI just keep dreaming of what I'm never gonna be,
xxxxxxxxxxI can't think of a better way to waste my time than try.

xxxAt some point during the song, Sera had pulled her pillow over and hugged it to her chest, her head bowed and face deposited into its fluffy mass to hide her renewed. This wasn’t fair. This was complete and utter bullshit, that’s what it was. It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be real – and yet it was. It was like someone was playing some cruel, sick joke on her – pulling so many thoughts and feelings and wishes from deep inside her and ripping them out for all the world to see and hear in this song. Her fingers tightened on her pillow and her shoulders trembled as the song continued, blissfully ignorant of her blatant discomfort and upset at its lyrics. And yet, for how much it upset her, she couldn’t bring herself to turn it off. For as much as she felt as though she was being made fun of, being mocked and insulted and undermined, she couldn’t help but feel a deeper connection to this song than she’d ever felt before. Underneath the depression and tears it caused her, she couldn’t help but feel as though it understood her. That was ridiculous though, songs didn’t understand anyone. How could she even think something so foolish? Oh, that’s right; because she was an ignorant, ridiculous little idiot, one that hardly related to another person, let alone to something like music, which she’d never even taken the time or patience to appreciate before. She’d never taken the time to appreciate anything or anyone, for that matter. Awful. Just awful. How had she never realized what an atrocious person she was before?

xxxxxxxxxxAnother piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit
xxxxxxxxxxYou throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it.
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you hurtin' for?
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you searching for?
xxxxxxxxxxLove, love, love, love

xxxxxxxxxxYou won't be thinking of cars when
xxxxxxxxxxYou're on your death bed and dyin',
xxxxxxxxxxYou'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
xxxxxxxxxxWhat you are praying for
xxxxxxxxxxLove, love, love, love

xxxxxxxxxxYou won't be thinkin' of cars when
xxxxxxxxxxYou're on your death bed and dyin',
xxxxxxxxxxYou'll only be thinkin' of what are you workin' for,
xxxxxxxxxxWhat are you waitin' for?

xxxHer sniffles and quiet crying throughout the majority of the song had descended into shameless sobbing as she wept openly into the pillow clutched tightly to her chest, her knuckles white with the strength of her grip. Anastasia had gently laid her head on her trainer’s leg, her ears slicked back as she watched the girl with growing concern. She had no idea what Sera was listening to or just why she was so upset, but given her behavior when alone – now, anyway – unexplained tears were more than common. It was rather disconcerting, all things considered.

xxxOblivious to her Umbreon’s thoughts and concerns, Sera continued her weeping, her mind reeling from the song as it ended. As much as she wanted to deny it, the song was real. As hard as she wanted to be in blissful denial, she couldn’t. Not anymore. No matter how badly she wanted to simply dismiss or deny anything that wasn’t easy to accept – which was pretty damn bad, depending on the topic – she couldn’t. She couldn’t, and it was one of the hardest things to accept.

xxxDespite how dejected she felt, how hopeless and helpless she felt, how depressed and upset she was, despite how insulted and harassed and mocked she felt by the song, despite how much she felt it had ripped her fragile heart from her chest before dragging it through the mud and shattering what was left of it into a million pieces… She hadn’t turned it off – not for good, at least. She couldn’t have. It was like she’d been filled with a morbid curiosity to continue it and see just how close it was to her true feelings. Well, her curiosity had been more than sated, she thought to herself as she remained there, crying her eyes out. It quite literally felt as though the band had foreseen all of her innermost secret thoughts, dragged them out into the open and made a song of it. How? Why did this song even exist?

xxxIt didn’t occur to her that anyone had felt anything similar to this before. It didn’t occur to her that any of her friends understood – because as it stood, the only one she thought might understand was Luke, and she wasn’t about to pretend their situations were the same when they so obviously weren’t. What did occur to her, however, in the depths of her misery and despair, was that the song voiced all of what she worked so hard to keep secret. She had realized that throughout the entirety of the song, of course, but this time, it was as if she finally understood. It finally clicked.

xxxSo did her mouse as she moved the cursor over the ‘repeat’ button.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Text log between Seraphine and Akira directly before the roleplay Let`s Be Honest.

Akira: Hey, I get the feeling I might have upset you and I'm sorry about that.
Seraphine: you mean the last time we talked?
Akira: Yes
Seraphine: not really. I thought you were upset
Akira: No, don't worry about it. I was just being stupid.
Akira: As usual, heh.
Akira: I was wondering if...you'd feel more like going out or if you were still busy.
Seraphine: that depends what you had in mind, but no i'm not busy
Akira: Are you all clubbed out?
Seraphine: i dunno if I wanna go to a club honestly. haven't gone in ages
Akira: Sounds like all the more reason to. Hey, I'll even buy you a drink.
Seraphine: after you tried to take mine last time, i do not believe you sir
Akira: XD I promise I won't this time. I'll be entirely honest. All cards on the table.
Akira: I figure you're old enough to take care of yourself.
Seraphine: I wonder about that sometimes but still idk if i wanna go to a club
Akira: Why not? Since when do you turn down an invite to a club and a free drink?
Seraphine: since sometime because reasons
Akira: I'm not taking no for an answer.
Akira: Meet you at the Lime Light Lounge in an hour. Unless you want to stand me up ;P
Seraphine: excuse you i have not agreed to anything yet
Akira: Ha ha well I guess I'll find out if you have or haven't in an hour.
Seraphine: u srsly want me to go even though i obvs don't want to go, that's so nice of you
Akira: If you don't want to go, don't go. Simple.
Seraphine: so what if i don't go?
Akira: What if you did?
Seraphine: what if i did go, then lots of things. if i don't go, then nothing. except there is a certain someone fully expecting me to go and i am asking him what would he do if i don't
Akira: I would be fine. Honest.
Akira: I wouldn't want to make you do anything you didn't want to. I've already made you uncomfortable enough in the past.
Seraphine: for some reason I'm not sure i believe u
Akira: That's okay. You don't have to. Why not try trusting me instead?
Seraphine: it's not you I'm worried about
Akira: I didn't think so. But there's no reason to be worried about anyone else.
Seraphine: you know, it's kind of funny. I used to think that for years, but that is no longer the case
Akira: Want to bet?
Seraphine: betting means explaining specifics, so no, no I don't want to bet.
Akira: I thought I was supposed to be the party pooper
Seraphine: noooo stop iiiit. stop that. I don't need any guilting, especially about betting of all things
Akira: relax, it was a joke! Now you're trying to be more uptight than I am too?
Seraphine: nope, that's enough out of you sir
Akira: Stealing all my best features. Don't take away my insecurity too!
Seraphine: seriously
Akira: I don't feel like being serious. Are you gonna save me before I drink myself to death or what?
Seraphine: are you just going to keep asking and being ridiculous until i say yes
Akira: well I did say I wasn't going to take no for an answer, didn't I?
Seraphine: ugh fine
Akira: Can't wait ;)  

[BlackFireKitsune]

xxxIt was hard sometimes not to think about all of the friends she used to have, back when she was still in high school, but she tried hard to avoid thinking about them – she really did. But sometimes, such a thing was impossible.

xxxShe ran into some of them again today.

xxxFor some people, running into old friends from school was always a pleasant surprise. Not for Seraphine. For Sera, it was always an uncomfortable, unpleasant experience that usually left her feeling dejected and depressed, belittled and degraded, and a plethora of other synonyms she didn’t care to think about.

xxxWith a slow sigh, the brunette twisted the handle on the front door to her apartment and pushed it open, pale green eyes searching the interior for any sign of her mother. She didn’t see her anywhere immediately, but still… After shutting and locking the door behind her, the girl entered the apartment proper, and was almost to her room when she heard her mother’s door creak open. "Sera, is that you?"

xxx"Yes," was her curt response as she reached for her bedroom door.

xxx"How was your day?" Her mother asked, opening her door more to better address her daughter.

xxx"I don’t want to talk about it," she replied quickly, pushing her door open to step inside. Mentally she willed her mother to not press the matter further; the simple phrase had become quite a common one in their small household over the past nine months or so, ever since the accident, and usually her mother picked up on just why Sera didn’t want to talk about her day: It usually meant something had occurred that dredged up bad memories of the accident, or bad feelings about her hand. Not that her mother had any way of knowing which it was or what had happened, with her daughter’s reticent behavior and stubborn unwillingness to talk about anything, but it at least conveyed a vague explanation of her subsequent attitude and behavior.

xxx"You know, you really should think about--"

xxx"Not now, Mother," she hissed angrily, quickly cutting her mother off before she could get too far.

xxxMildly exasperated with her daughter’s response, the same response she’d gotten countless times before over the past nine months, her mother insisted in more firm tones, "Seraphine, just think about it--"

xxx"You know I don't want to!" The brunette turned and shouted, her single hand balled into a fist as she glared at her mother briefly, inhaled, then turned back and slammed her door shut behind her. Once inside the sanctity of her room, she shut her eyes tightly as she stood there, her hand still clenched in a fist as she held her breath for a few long, agonizing seconds, then let it out shakily. With it went her anger, her frustration and her flared temper, and the void they left filled almost immediately with sorrow, with regret, with crippling self-deprecation and biting criticism, and she leaned back against her door for just a moment before she sank to the floor. Her lips parted slightly as she stared at her knees, briefly overwhelmed by the sheer number of wholly negative thoughts that whirled through her mind like some fierce tornado, seeking out whatever little positive things it could just to viciously uproot them and tear them to shreds.

xxxShe was startled out of her reverie by the sound of papers shuffling and something colorful invading the corner of her vision, and she glanced down to see several pamphlets that her mother must’ve pushed under her door. Not that she needed to look at them to know exactly what they were; informational pamphlets about prosthetics, specifically arms and hands. "Sera, please, you have to reconsider," her mother insisted, her tones almost pleading at this point. "Just--"

xxx"I said no!" Her daughter shouted again, angrily shoving the offending papers back out from under her door before she hugged her arms over her chest and curled up, her forehead nearly touching her knees.

xxx"Sera, please," the voice on the other side of her door literally pleaded this time, but only received a poignant silence in response. The conversation was over, and the eventual sounds of her retreat hinted that she'd realized that.

xxxA shaky inhale preceded a relaxing of her posture, if only to drop her knees into a more comfortable seated position, and the brunette opened her eyes. Tears formed as she did so, though she barely noticed them as she slowly dropped her arms to her lap, her pale gaze shifting first to her right hand, and then to the vacant spot where her left hand should have been – where it used to be – before she closed her eyes once again. It took no effort at all to will her hands to move – to flex her fingers, to clench them to fists, to relax them again and move each individual finger – but upon opening her eyes once more, the sight that met her gaze showed only a single hand responding, despite the fact she could so clearly feel and move both. It was such a strange feeling; ghost limbs or something like that she’d read about before. Her left hand hurt on occasion, despite the fact she hadn’t had it in nine months. Funny how that worked.

xxxAnastasia emerged from her spot under Sera’s bed and, concerned for her trainer, trotted over to her side with a questioning noise. Unfortunately the girl was far too wrapped up in her thoughts, trapped in the swirling vortex of negativity that spiraled infinitely downwards.

xxxWhat kind of person was she, to sit there and brazenly wallow in self-pity over the loss of her hand? She’d lost her father in that very same accident, and yet she didn’t mourn him as often as she mourned over her hand. What kind of person did that make her? What kind of thankless, ungrateful daughter was she? Her head bowed as she curled in on herself again, squeezing her eyes shut as tears began to slide down her cheeks unbidden. How dare she? What an atrocious, horrible, ungrateful, pathetic little person she was. She didn’t deserve how much he had cared for her; she didn’t deserve how much both of her parents had cared for her, how much her mother still cared for her. She didn’t deserve any of it. The only thing she deserved was the persistent feeling of loneliness that pervaded her thoughts and her life, that threatened to embrace her at every turn should she lose anyone or anything else again.

xxxIt had grown into a frightening thing, she realized quite suddenly. What would she do if she ever lost anyone else close to her? She couldn’t bear to lose Luke or Rosie, and the very thought scared her more than she ever thought possible. Luke was still there, too, despite his amnesia; he was still there, his memories were just buried deep within him, and surely, surely he would remember them soon and be back to his normal self. She didn’t want to even consider otherwise. So what about anyone else close to her? Her mother? Nate? Akira - though she wondered how close a friend he was now, given she still wasn't wholly sure where they stood. Regardless, she didn’t think she would be able to handle losing any of them, either…

xxxAnd there she went again, thinking of her own selfish needs before others. ‘How would I feel if something happened to them’ indeed, what a selfish little girl she was. What about what would happen to them? How would they feel, if they were even capable of feeling after that? What would they think if they knew she’d been thinking such things? And there she was, not even considering their feelings at all, let alone before considering her own. A selfish little child – that’s all that she was, and all she ever would be. How anyone ever put up with her, she had no idea. Why would they? Maybe they just didn’t realize how horrible a person she was, that might be it. Perhaps she just hid it too well. Would they leave her too, once they found out what she was really like?

xxxThe thought of losing more people only sickened her, and Sera pulled in a strangled breath as she flopped to one side on the floor, curled up as tightly as she could with her hand clinging so desperately to her other arm that her knuckles turned white, while quiet sobs wracked her small form. Her downward spiral of negative, self-deprecating thoughts continued long into the evening, but eventually sleep would overtake her, with Anastasia dutifully curled up at her side, worried for her trainer.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

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[BlackFireKitsune]

Solo part 2  

[BlackFireKitsune]

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