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 Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 7:51 pm
His hand slipped away from her wrist, and he took a half a step in retreat, his head bowed. "...I'm sorry." He'd need to apologize to Isadora as well, after all her insistence that he never point a gun at himself again. Arceus, he'd never intended to do such a thing again... Alcohol was a dangerous poison.
Rather than meet her gaze, he further lowered his head. "...Hundreds of deaths," he answered. No, to call them 'deaths' was too kind, too detached. "Murders."
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:00 pm
Finally, finally he seemed to have calmed down. At least to the point where she didn't need to cling to the gun anymore, so with a soft click she turned the safety back on before gingerly placing it on top of the dresser. That done she turned her attention to his words, brows furrowing slightly. "You were..." Oh. Ohh, dear.. So he did remember missions, and... oh Arceus, the poor guy.. From what she knew of Lucas, hurting people, women especially, was not something he practiced ever. With the exception of some girls' ex-boyfriends, of course.
"Arceus..." She sighed, reaching a hand up to run her fingers through her hair, wondering if she should say it or not. ..no, probably not. She knew what it was now, and whether or not he told her the exact wording didn't matter quite as much. Regardless, she wasn't about to stand there and not do anything, so she took a step forward and hesitantly touched his arm. "I'm sorry, Lucas.."
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:09 pm
He staggered backwards and away from her touch, staring in startled confusion. "What do you mean, 'sorry'? Isadora said it too. I don't understand." A mild panic rose in his voice, "I did it myself. My own hands, my own will, my own damned guns! Why do you act like this life is worth anything anymore?" It was a curiosity that had been bothering him all evening. He firmly believed that his was an existence devoid of merit, and the fact that he had been told otherwise not once but twice was a source of confusion.
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:17 pm
Her eyebrows rose slightly at the mention of Isadora. Had he remembered this when in her company? Arceus, she could only imagine his reaction... It was something she'd have to ask the psychologist the next time she saw her. His recoil was expected, which was why it was merely a simple touch. He'd freaked out over a hug previously, so she wasn't taking chances anymore. Her hands turned over, palms up, as she spoke. "I don't know why she apologized," she started, her tone gentle despite his emotions, "but I'm sorry because Galactic made a horrible decision picking you for that job. There's a difference between killing because you want to, and killing because you have to. Because you've been ordered to, orders that have serious consequences if you don't follow them," she continued, hands clenching into fists. "I'm sorry they ever picked you for that job because it's causing you so much pain now. I wish they never had," the young woman finished honestly, feeling slightly defeated. Arceus, poor guy.. Regardless of everything that happened, she had a feeling that if they hadn't made him an assassin, she might never have met him at all, and he might never have escaped Galactic successfully.
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:27 pm
He took another couple of backpedaling steps, seating himself on his bed and bringing a hand to his swimming head. "I guess I'm sorry too, then." He leaned backwards, laying perpendicular to the length of the mattress. He gritted his teeth in a grimace, eyes tightly closed behind the arm he draped across his face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Arceus, I'm--" He broke off with a shudder.
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:32 pm
Her expression depressed into a sad, perplexed look. If this was how he was acting over finding out he was an assassin... What would he do when he found out about Morrison? It would completely and utterly break him. That was the only reaction she could think of, and it made her shudder. She didn't want to think about it, and again hoped he'd never remember it.
The defiant little voice in her head traipsed around again and chimed annoyingly that he most likely would at some point. She just wouldn't know when or where.
With a sigh she pushed the thoughts away and moved to sit on the bed next to him, though she didn't lay down. "Why?" She asked, hesitantly touching his arm again without thinking. "Why are you sorry..?"
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 9:36 pm
He didn't react to her touch this time. "It's all I can do," he said, his entire countenance that of an individual thoroughly trounced. "I can't do anything else. I can't make up anything to anyone. Can't do a thing to make it right. Can't--" He stopped himself again, turning his still-covered face away from the girl sitting at his side. "If apologizing is all I can do, it's what I'll do. For the rest of my life." His words were hushed, falling at a volume below that of his breath.
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 9:44 pm
Her brows furrowed slightly at his words. "What do you mean?" What did he have to apologize for? For the rest of his life? "Apologize for what - and to who?" He wasn't making much sense at the moment, which was completely understandable. That didn't mean she wasn't going to ask questions, of course. If there was one thing she was good at, it was poking the emotionally distraught man into thinking more about what was making him emotionally distraught. Whether this was a good idea or not, she never knew until after. That never seemed to stop her from doing it, however.
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:03 pm
Laying horizontally made him dizzy, so Lucas pulled himself back into a sitting position, setting aside his glasses, resting an arm against his raised knee, and hiding his face in the crook of his elbow. "For-- Everything." He tensed at the thoughts. "Everyone I killed. I can't... do anything for them. I can't even live for them. Apologizing is empty but-- Damn it, I have to do something." He drew further into himself, the hand at his side seizing a fistful of bed sheet in a veritable death grip.
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:12 pm
It was mildly distressing if she thought about how quickly he went from a jerk to pissed off to terrified and now distraught. Good thing she wasn't thinking about it too much. But still, the sight of him so distraught worried and saddened her, but she didn't know what she could do. "I don't know.." She admitted, biting her bottom lip gently as she watched him sit up again. Instinctively she reached a hand out to place it softly on his shoulder. She had no idea what he meant, what he could do.. did he mean to make up for everything? How in the world did he expect to do that? She had no idea, and could therefore offer no help, no comforting words or suggestions. But, dammit, she wouldn't just sit here and do nothing. But should she hug him again? ...sure, why not - if he freaked out again she'd just let go, but she really was at a loss of what else to do. So, with that thought in mind, she lifted herself to slip a leg under her to boost her height a good two inches before slipping her hand away to drape over his shoulders, and moved the other to touch his arm. His position made hugging awkward. "I'm sorry, Lucas.."
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:22 pm
As averse as Lucas was to showing tears to the girl to whom he had preached chivalry and the universal man's code, he couldn't help the quiet sob of a breath that escaped him at the sudden contact. He couldn't help the intermittent quivering of his shoulders, and he couldn't help the warmth that seeped into his sleeve. All he could do was hope she didn't hold it over him later. "I'm sorry," he repeated, as if refuting her own similar claim, and instinctively leaned towards her. "I'm sorry..."
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 3:52 pm
Arceus. Was he crying? Holy freaking Arceus, he was crying. It made her feel even worse, but part of her wondered why men were so stubborn and ridiculous. Punching walls when they were angry, and that obsession with the idea that real men never cried or showed any sort of weakness like that. Absolutely ridiculous.
The only thing that mattered right then, however, was that he was distraught enough to shed tears over these issues of his he finally remembered, and she was the only one there to comfort him. That thought in mind, her hand found his shoulder and squeezed it gently, her arm more firmly around his shoulders as her other hand reached around his elbow to overlap her other hand. Awkward positioning wouldn't stop her from hugging him tightly, and she laid her cheek on the backside of one shoulder. "It's okay," she murmured softly, a hand slipping down to rub his back gently. She really was at a total loss of what to say, so she instead opted for those two words and a hug. What else could she do?
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:04 pm
"...It's not. It's not okay." He remained unmoving in her grasp, his breathing quickly returning to a normal pace despite the quieting of his voice. "It can't be okay. I just-- I just want to try again. Live a life that I have control over. The only way to do that--" The only way to do that was to walk that unacceptable path, and he had sworn twice now to never do that.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:27 pm
Her hand slid back up to overlap its twin, and she lifted her head slightly when she heard his words. He had stopped crying obviously, but he was still rather quiet... "The only way to do that - is with a bullet?" She asked a bit ruthlessly, a disapproving frown evident on her face and in her voice. That was absolutely ridiculous. Hadn't he opened his eyes yet? Why couldn't he see what was in front of him? "Lucas, don't you understand? A life that you have control over... So what does that make this, now that you're remembering things? Isn't that exactly what this is? What do you think the return of your memories mean? Did you ever actually stop and think about it?" Honestly, what had he been doing ever since Luke had left his mind? He obviously hadn't had another memory lapse since then, and he never would again. At least, not from Luke, at any rate. Ever since Luke left, Lucas had full control of everything. Except for his memories, of course.
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BlackFireKitsune Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:58 pm
"I don't know." The bite of her words caused him to lower his tone even further. "A bullet would help... I think." He knew immediately that he would probably be berated for those words, but they were his honest thoughts.
"This is..." - what was this, exactly? - "...a life that someone else had control over and then handed to me. Can't exchange it. Can only scrap it and start over. If this is what comes with those memories, it'd be great to give them back."
A certain alter ego would have been very upset to hear this, had he still been a solid entity.
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