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 Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:04 pm
midnashadow: It's a good effort, but I'm going to say denied.
First of all, it's not quite... Meaty enough. Paragraphs are six sentences, and if you're going to divide your sample up into multiple sections, it's best to make sure that each paragraph has at least six sentences, otherwise it shouldn't be indented. Also, just write MORE. It seems a bit too short and rushed.
Second, the writing seems a bit bland. It seems as though you use descriptions to simply fill space. If you're going to use descriptions, you want them to be beautiful and fit. Simply describing your character's hair and eye color isn't very interesting to read and looks as if it's only filling space. This may just be my writing style, but if you beef up the descriptions it doesn't seem as though it's just taking up space. You don't have to write like me, but here is my rewriting of your first description: "Sam brushed her pink hair out of her eyes... Her serious green eyes scanned the dark alleyway..." Note that I don't know what color of pink your RPC's hair is, so I'm just improving a bit.
"Cherry blossom pink locks obscured her vision. With a slender hand, Sam brushed her hair out of her solemn lime eyes, scanning the eerie alleyway to no avail."
Notice how it describes, fills space, and seems as though it fits?
Also, you sentences seem to fit a pattern of starting, and overall your sentence structures aren't very varied.
Also, short sentences are nice for building up suspense. However, your sentences are all very short and not very interesting to read. Some sentences are longer, but the majority are very basic. An example of when it would be good to use short sentences:
"A clang from the alley. Something moving. A scream."
Notice how these sentences still seemed well written, though they are short? Some of your sentences just seem short and basic. If you're going to use short sentences, it's best to have them seem more like my above example then just as though you are not trying hard enough.
And most people have this problem, but watch for typos. It just seems as though you were going to quickly.
By the way, you don't have to use my advice. As for the samples I gave, that's my own writing style so I don't expect your writing to be the same or even similar to mine. In fact, I want you to take my advice in your own style. I'm just trying to help inspire you.
Since it was denied, you will have one more chance to submit your application for consideration. If it is denied again, you will have to create either a witch or meister character.
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:08 pm
i thought i would try making a weapon as well. i hope this is good enough. i typed it up in word but its buggy sometimes so sorry if i missed anything hope you like it. Username: Kitiara_Fox
RPC Name: Seirinia Sayaki
Weapon Type: Sword whip
Weapon Picture: 
Weapon Description: When Rini changes into her weapon form she starts out as a broad sword, about 4 feet in length and average weight of a broad sword. From there she can take the other form of the blade where the blade splits apart into a bladed whip. The length increases into 14 feet in length. The blade is silver in color while the handle is a crimson color with gold design.
RP Sample : Wind howled through the empty streets, tossing the leaves about. Shadows danced across the ground, heels clicking against the stone. The woman moved around the streets, looking for a target. The wind carried the evil cackle on the wind as it stalked to the park. The moon bathed the area in the silver glow, the area almost empty except for a couple on the bench. Their sweet whispers floated out as they cuddled under the lover’s moon. The peace and quiet was soon disturbed as the cackle ripped through the air. The figure loomed over them, talons outstretched to grab the two. Screams echoed through the night.
“Hey witch! Get your claws away from those people” The young voice called out before the figure rushed forwards. The young boy gripped the sword in his hand before swinging it towards the witch. The witch hissed in anger before leaping away from the meister. “Insolent brat” it cackled before feathers whistled through the air. The couple screamed and bolted from the fight, the sword splitting the bench in half.
The boy gasped as he stumbled forwards a bit. “Hey!!! Get back here and lose…. No use running I am gonna get your soul” the boy yelled and stomped his foot, swinging the sword over his head. You look like an idiot…. Better word an uncivilized caveman swinging his club…. His weapon told him. She was not happy about how he handled her. She shook her head and sighed in his mind. The witch laughed at the boy. “Aw little boy gonna throw a tantrum? You aren’t even worth my full skill. “he hissed before blasting more feathers out.
The boy gave a cheesy grin and swung his sword. “Now Rini…” He called before the blade split into the whip form, a whistling sound echoed as the bladed whip slashed the feathers. “is that all you got?” He taunted before flicking his wrist and sending the blade at the witch. Pay attention and get ready… She warned him as they fought off the first attack. The witch gave an angry hiss as the first attack failed before smirking a bit. “Ha kid… you will regret messing with me” he warned before firing his next attack, a dozen energy birds blasted out.
The kid smirked as the birds circled around them. He spun in a circle, using the whip to create a spinning blade shield that slashed the birds to pieces. Once he stopped spinning he flicked the whip out at the witch. “Time to finish you” he yelled. The witch flew up to dodge, shifting to a bird. he hissed in anger when his wing was nicked by the blades. “This isn’t the end… I will get you for this” he cawed before flying off. The boy jumped up and down as the witch flew off “Yeah you better run. “he called out as his partner took her human form. She sighed and shook her head. “You…. Are such a kid” she mumbled before grabbing the back of his shirt to drag him back home.
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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:32 pm
I have an awful headache right now, but I skimmed over your request.
I'm going to say approved.
A couple things:
First, vary your sentence beginnings. It's very dull when all the sentences start with "the". Second, you RP'd more with your partner than with the weapon. I mean, you mentioned the weapon occasionally, but it seems as though you have a better idea for what to do with the meister's character while RPing than you do with the weapon. One of the important things is to be able to RP as a weapon more than a meister. Also, you did a lot of the witches RPing too and just the same thing as before, remember that you're the weapon. Finally, please hyperlink the image. It's not very pleasing to the eye to have a big image randomly in the middle of this.
I have a headache so I apologize if this doesn't make sense, but you are approved and please try to follow my advice and feel free to clarify with me if I ended up making no sense.
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Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:27 pm
username:Beckster007 rpc name:Jade (if its ok can she be an orphan?cause i couldnt think of a last name.) Weapon Type:Scythe Weapon Description: a blue scythe about 5 feet tall and the blade about 3 feet long. weapon picture:  RP sample:It was a hot summer night and Jade and her meister Sid were currently looking for a kishin whose victims were that of young girls between the ages of 5-14.It was a quarter past eight,not that late,but the streets were empty.There was no sign of the kishin until a faint scream eckoed through he streets. " Did you hear that?"asked Sid."Of course I heard it,I just can trace it down."replied Jade.Jade wasn't looking forward to battling a kishin but really what choice did she have? A few minutes later , they found the kishin in a slightly lit alley standing over his victim.The ground was splattered bright red. "We're too late.Can we go home now?"asked Jade. She never really liked doing hard work and she was always the one to give up first.She never really dressed or did her hair up because she was too lazy. Nevertheless,she was beautiful with her long blonde hair curling up wildly at the ends.Her partner was equally beautiful.They looked like siblings due to the fact that they both had dark blue eyes and curly blonde hair.The trait they had most in common were their eyes.They both had the light blue eyes that seemed to drift you away into the ocean everytime you look into them.They were the pefect team.Although it may not seem like it(especially for Jade),they were both determined to defeat the kishin. "Jade get ready" Sid said. "But its like a million degrees and I just want to go home!"complained Jade,but reluctantly turned into a scythe. Sid grabbed hold of her and swung the scythe at the kishins stomach.The kishin took advantage of Sids tiredness and dogded the attack with ease. " I missed!"yelled Sid. "I realize that. No need to state the obvious"Jade mummbled to herself. "Will you just be quiet.I'm trying to focus."Sid said.He ran towards the kishin again and with all his strength,this time the kishin stumbled backwards and fell to the ground.Now was Sids chance.If he moved quickly enough,he could finish the kishin off with a single strike. The kishin egg was now theirs.Jade tranformed into her normal self and swallowed the kichin egg. "Yum.the sweet taste of victory"Jade said with a smile. "You see that wasn't so hard now was it Jade?" " .Say~.Can we stop by the candy store to buy a box of chocolates?.Theres a test comming up and our teacher won't accept my money bribes anymore." Jade asked ."Sure,why not." Sid sighed as he and jade walked to the candy store.(its not my best work because I did it late at night. sorry)
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Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 2:53 pm
Kitara: Approved
Becky: Last time I tried to to look over a weapon's profile, people got mad at me, But I am a Crew member so I will ask this, how long have you been roleplaying?
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2011 4:59 pm
@Sage It's denied.
First of all, it's really boring to read. All of your sentence structures are the same and you have some run-on sentences in there. Not only boring, but hard to read. And not in a good way like Faulkner or Dickens. Hard to read in the way that it doesn't look like there was that much effort put into it and there are lots of silly grammatical errors.
Second, for how short it is, there's far too much going on. You put hardly any detail into any of the attacks. A sample this short should be no more than one demon killing. Not only is it short, but there's too much dialog for how short the sample is. With a sample this short, I'd say that there should be a lot less dialog and more action.
Third, what? In around 300 words you kill two demons, one powerful, and release your Soul Resonance? There are so many things wrong with this. First of all, Soul Resonance is really hard to obtain here and it's best NOT to use it in your sample, as many if not most RPers will not even obtain Soul Resonance. Then, of course, there's what I mentioned above. If you insisted upon doing your RP sample like this, I'd recommend around the following word distribution, to make the mods more okay with you basically godmodding from the get-go. If you put a hell of a lot of detail, you can be accepted without mods feeling as though you didn't do your overly powerful attacks enough justice.
First demon: 500 words
Finding Second Demon: 100-200 words
Soul Resonance Description: 100 words
Killing Second Demon: 200-300 words.
That's already over one thousand words. With how much, and what, you did in your RP sample, I'd say this would be reasonable.
You have one more chance to submit an application, and if nothing else I'd recommend only killing one demon using normal skills and making your application longer. Say, three paragraphs of that length for killing one demon.
On an unrelated note: Bio, I already approved Kitiara by the time you posted... >.>
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Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 9:36 pm
Username: Dainar Inferni
RPC Name: Bae Livas Lee
Weapon Type: Gauntlets
Weapon Picture: X
Weapon Description: Black Leather, Titanium Plates. Goes up to the forearms, medium weight.
RP Sample: The cool wind blew, they day was sunny but cloudy, making the temperature warm and with cool breezes. A teenager absentmindedly chewed on a piece of candy. His gray eyes staring at his sparring partners. His meister stood with him and motioned him to start. "Alright, let's go." Bae form shifted as he turned into a pair of black and red gauntlets. The shiny titanium shone, complementing the black leather."Let's go!" Bae's meister, a red haired youth, ran towards the other pair. They quickly got into battle formation as the red head threw a well aimed punch. "Rein, you have to do better than that, they use long distance attacks! Close the distance!"
The other meister, a blue haired girl with a bow dodged the first blow easily but the second blow was fast and unexpected. Rein had thrown a straight punch but turned inwards striking the girl in the stomach. She retched and fell down. She rolled away and shot a couple arrows of energy at Rein. The red head dodged but one of them had gotten the side of his stomach. Bae's form turned a bright red. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, return to the Earth where you hence came! Fire burst from the gauntlets and the girl froze. "I - I give up!" She sank to her knees. "I didn't know you would be that good." Bae turned back and bowed, "It was good spar. I'll show you some techniques to block someone from punching you sometime."
The girl nodded and both she and her weapon headed towards the Academy. Bae and Rein both stood there and Rein offered Bae some candy. The white haired youth grinned and took it.
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Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 9:56 am
I would have to say that a pair of Gauntlets would have to be two people. Also, your rp sample needs to be longer.
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Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:04 am
What Radio said, which means it's denied
But you alone can RP as two people if you want.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 10:49 am
Username: Rei Seshiro
RPC Name: Rei Seshiro
Weapon Type: Shield
Weapon Picture: Shield Form
Weapon Description: A dark blue shield. It is a diamond-like European style. The edge can produce small blades to damage melee strikes against it, or to weaken incoming projectile attacks.
RP Sample:
A slight palor hung low over the streets of New York. An eerie fog had rolled in from the ocean in the last few days, and there was a kicker to it as well: people had been dissapearing more than usual since the fog rolled in. Paranoid and superstitious leaders had called for a certain faction to come and investigate. Death City had done just that, sending out a young pair of kids to investigate the issue.
It had been a week since the team was dispatched, and no one had heard anything from them: the cops hadn't seen them, the mayor had been informed of their arrival, but had been given no discription of them or basis of what to look for in the pair. So it was that the pair roamed the city freely, usually around the bay area. One was a girl of seventeen, the other a boy of eighteen. They walked non-chalantly through the fog, the boy just barely behind the girl. It had been the girl's idea to be used as bait for this mission, and Rei, the boy, had reluctantly agreed. They had been trying to lure the culprit out of the fog and into combat for a week now; yet they had little success.
On this particular night though, a shrill shriek was heard from down by the water, a shriek like some wild beast without a mind. The pair instantly grabbed each other's hands and within an instant, Rei had become a deep blue shield, almost a cobalt color. the edges of the shield were razor sharp, well and sharp enough to cut with, yet within the instant it took for the two to react and form the shield, an attack lunged into the broad side of it brutaly, forcing the pair off balance. They countered quickly though, and dashed back and forth, drawing attacks and getting closer to the water's edge...
As they approached the water's edge, the attacks grew more rapid and heavy. Rei's reflection could be seen in the broad side of the shield, his palms out in front of him, blocking the strikes. "Ok... that... is... enough!!" Within an instant, spikes and sharp ridges formed on the broad side of the shield, cutting the limbs that struck at the shield. Recoiling in pain, the creature ceased its attack for an instant. Just an instant and the pair was upon it. At close range, the creature was revealed as a large squid-like creature. Rei smiled from within his shield form and gave the creature a rather rude gesture. "Ok... time to die sushi!" A moment after his sentence ended, the edge of the shield cut down through the creature's skull, ripping it to bits and revealing the soul inside of it as the body vanished into the fog...
Rei and his meister both landed in the water with a loud splash, laughing playfully. They swam back to shore quickly, grabbing the soul along the way. They arrived on the sand, dripping wet and cold, yet they had won. They had killed their first foe together. As a team. Looking at the soul, Rei ate it slowly, enjoying the taste as they walked out of town, shivering slightly. They smiled however, enjoying their success, understanding the other just a bit better... The next morning, no fog could be seen, and it was one of the clearest, most beautiful days in New York's history.
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 10:06 pm
Username: ChaosBlack22
RPC Name: Skye Byanski
Weapon Type: Scythe
Weapon Picture:
Weapon Description: A black and red scythe with black wings and a handguard, three posts after the start of battle the blade can fire small waves of violent sound waves, causing damage to internal organs.
RP Sample: Two shrouded figures walked through the Sahara Desert, silently they walked through the heat like pariahs. Eventually they reached the pyramids of Egypt," Well, seems like we arrived", Skye said finally. He glanced at his partner, Tenkai, and took off his hood,"Good timing too, he also arrived", Tenkai said, the sand shifted infront of them and a giant serpent burst out. "Kishin...",Skye said as he stood emotionless,"You ready?", Tenkai said,"Sure", Skye replied. He shifted a bit and changed into a black and red scythe, the kishin's head shot towards them, Tekai jumped onto the head and dashed toward the neck," Tough Head", Skye said through the blades. The serpent thrashed around but the two reached the neck," As I suspected, the area behind the neckis soft", Tenkai said, immediately slashing. The kishin screeched in pain as the blade made contact,"Damn kishin, Die!", Tenkai said slamming the blade deep into the skin," Watch out, snakes are around you", Tenkai stopped and jumped into the air, scanning the area," On your legs", Skye said, the black snakes slithered up his legs, closing in his chest.
Tenkai yelled in pain as the snakes bit, he blindedly slashed around," Calm down, and concentrate", Skye said as he reverted to human form and ripped the snakes fron Tenkai's body, he through them into the air and created blades from his back, cutting the snakes," We will see to the damage later, but just hang on", Skye said as he pat his partner's back and changed into weapon form. Tenkai gripped the handle firmly and sighed," You are right, lets finish this quick", Tenkai said as he again dug the blade into the kishin's neck and used it as a lever," b***h Die!!!", the two said in unison. Tenkai wrenched off the serpent's head and jumped off, he panted as he watched the Kishin fade away, leaving a red soul. Skye reverted to human form and walked over to the soul, he grabbed it then swallowed it. Sighing in relief after the process," We better get home...", Skye said as he pulled his hood over his head.
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 5:38 pm
Bassoon... my profile has been here since thursday... Would you please look at it?
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Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:58 pm
Heaven forbid you wait five days...
Rei: Accepted, but we already have a shield and please do NOT post again to get my attention. PM me or something, but DON'T post here, that's just obnoxious and irritating. Sorry, I've been dealing with someone being a jerk in another RP and it's put me in a sour mood. Seriously, though, it's really obnoxious to post to get a mod's attention.
Chaos: Denied. Sample is too short and please don't make a scythe; considering the weapons in the series, it's just not that creative. Your grammar is a bit iffy, as well as your punctuation, and you're RPing two people which is frowned upon even in these samples, like with too much dialogue and such. Considering how short your sample is, it should only really be only your character at that length.
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 10:23 am
*bows* Sorry Basoon... I didn't mean to be rude... I promise not to be so... impatient, in the future ^^;
Also... if it's problematic for there to be two shields... I can RP a different weapon type... would that be acceptible?
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