Welcome to Gaia! ::

Chillin with my homies

Facebook Jokes and Grotesque grammar, all-in-one package.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a great deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

Girl: "Dad, I'm pregnant."
Dad: "...Who's the father? Imma kick his a**!"
Girl: "It's Justin Bieber's"
Dad: "Oh, hahaha! It's okay, you're not pregnant!"


Blonde: WHO WANTS TO DATE ME AND HURRY?!?!?!
Boy: Why do you want someone to date you?
Blonde: Because in 2012 every SINGLE person would die!!

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"
"No I'm a blonde", she replies.
"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

boy:you wanna hear a joke?
girl: ok
boy: women's rights...lol
(couple a people laugh)
girl: wanna hear a joke?
boy: ok
girl: your p***s size...
(everyone laughs at him)

Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Aww, here's $5."

Best Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Good, you were getting fat anyway."

Teacher: were's ur homework? Boy: my dog eat it,and my chineese neighbours eat my dog.

3 men were drunk,they stopped a taxi.The taxi driver figured that they were drunk,he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, 'we ve arrived'.The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.The taxi driver was stunned coz he was hoping that none of them must ve realized that the car didn't move an inch.So he asked,what was that for? Control ur speed next time,u almost killed us

man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours? SON: At school*Robot slaps Son* SON: OK,I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again* SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star. DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad* MOM: HAHA! After al hes ur son * robot slaps mom*

Conversations Elsewhere.

"ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
wtf? begets isn't a word. quit trying to make up words, ********}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
...men.
GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

next person to talk after his line will be kicked
*this
* Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide (12‹61912›)

This cake is soooo good
it's like sex, except I'm having it

Josh: QUESTION FOR EVERYONE....
SecureXeC: IT'S TO THE LEFT OF YOUR 'A' KEY.

on one of those speech-to-text programs my friend ripped a** onto the mic.
and it typed out "France"
we were like, wtf?

do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
who?
center for disease control
i said WHO
what? i'm asking you
World Health Organization


omg i love this song
Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
blazemore: yeah, that's a bad a** song

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

uber geeks:
Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's a**s in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an a**s Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses.
a vampire's a**s is present, but non-working.
like a network card without the appropriate driver.
Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
And you're GMing an rpg with a**s Shades.

dftpnkezln: For all of you reporting a score more than 100 as you iq lol @ you. How can you possibly score more than 100%?
dftpnkezln:I'm very happy with my score of 89.

Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
Why does it seem like every time you join this channel, you end up talking about the weather?
Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather?
Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather.
I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
I'm a meteorologist.

this one happens in pw too much:

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

can you guys see what I type?
no, raize
How do I set it up so you can see it?

Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
well, you can stil get one from a strange country razz

I think the people above me are having sex
either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the f*****t.
Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the ******** s**t out of him.
So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he ******** had:
8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
Dude, you ******** killed McGuyver!

: Best suicide plan ever
: what is it?
: you go up to the top of a roof
: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
: then you put super glue on your hands
: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
: And some poor b*****d will be traumatized for LIFE.
: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

a sprite is anything not static
a sprite is a variable object
be it 2d or 3d
a sprite is a ******** soda
you god damn geekass bastards

Thank you for listening to me.
You know your a really good listener.
Sweety please say something.
Ok I'm back.

* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
he shot his girlfriend?


at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
rapc?
...
Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
oic
Though you could also say it's missing an e
wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

classic:
HOW THE ******** CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?
Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession
Kk
I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
?
Now what?
Don't worry. It's done

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

67% of girls are stupid
i belong with the other 13%

IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

Hey Mike
what?
p***y.
er?
p***y.
and?
p***y.
...
p***y.
i dont get it
AND YOU NEVER WILL.
b*****d

and the best for the last:
DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
Too Much Scrolling?