The Potato: 9-13-06 The Final Issue?

[Richard Rider]

The Potato

Sometimes it's the truth, sometimes we make it up

Richard Rider, publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer

Where is Bigby?
Kapow! sheriff Bigby Wolf has been noticably absent in recent months. Also absent from his home title Fables, many have begun to wonder what has happened to the half-wolf. Some say he's been wondering the wilds of Canada. Others say he's left our mundane world for the Homelands, fighting the Advesary alongside the Wolf King of Manetheran. Calvin Rankin, formerly of the Exiles, has a different story. "I was going in for a contract extention, which didn't go so well. As I was leaving, I saw Bigby going into Dan Buckley's office! I talked to Blink later, and she said that Jack Russell's going to to get canned and Bigby's going to replace him in a MAX series!" Could it be true? Will Bigby abandon Vertigo for the siren call of a**l sex and excessive violence? We'll bring you updates as soon as they come in.

Thor's hammer found in Arkansas, FOX and US goverment fight over rights

Founding Avenger Thor disappeared during the Avenger's break-up several months ago, and hasn't been seen since. There were no clues as to where he had gone until now. Mjonir was found 50 miles south of the Missouri border in an Arkansas field. FOX News was on the scene four minutes after the hammer was found, and filmed the crash site for almost an hour before the Fantastic Four showed up to investigate. The Four then proceeded to give custody of the immovable object to federal investigators, which FOX strongly opposed. "We had a plan for that thing. We were going to get at least six hours of coverage of it just laying there, and then at least two hours a day afterwards. We already had a discussion with the Entertainment Divison to do a reality show called 'American God', that would involve bringing in potential wielders to come in and try to pick the hammer up. The winner would let us tape his life as a Norse god. Unfortunately, that all had to be scrapped to to goverment interference. Their facility that's being built around the hammer is a violation of our rights, and we intend to settle the matter in court." Valerie Cooper of ONE had this to say: "The FOX Network's claims are rediculous. How can they claim something that doesn't belong to them? They can't even move it! If a way to move it is found, and it's not too dangerous, we intend to give Mjonir to the people of Norway."

Brubaker's Uncanny X-Men

Last week, we previewed the lineup for Mike Carey's X-men. This week, we'll preview the other new lineup. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Marvel Girl, Havok, and Warpath will be starring in Uncanny X-Men come July, but Brubaker has said he plans to expand the cast. Reactions:

Kurt___Wagner: "Why have Racheal as the sole female? I find her to be lovely, but variety is the spice of life, no?"

Racheal Summers: "It should be fun. I really don't get a chance to hang with Uncle Alex that much, and Jimmy seems like a decent guy. I just wish Kurt would quit flirting with me. It's like having an uncle thinking you're hot."

A She-Rodent In Love

Doreen Green, the most capable mutant fighter on Earth, has been hit with Cupid's arrow. Squirrel Girl has been seen fawning over New Warrior and Loser Leaguer Speedball whenever he's on television. The GLX has been supportive of the young girl's crush. "I think it's cute the way she imagines kissing him and their first date," said fellow teammate Big Bertha. "She's done so much good, and she deserves to have a little fantasy." New Warrior Debrii: "She likes Speedball? Wonder-Boy over there can't even tie his shoes. That's why they're Velcro. I thought she was some bad-a** b***h, considering she took out Dr. Doom, but now I think it was blind luck. Seriously, Speedball? WTF?"

Wonder Girl in Trouble

The Secret Service is looking to question Teen Titan Cassandra Sandsmark about credit card fraud. A large amount of purchases were made on Wally_West's and KittyPryde's credit cards in a short amount of time. The credit card companies, suspicious of illegal activity, reported the activity to the Secret Service. "I don't think this is truly criminal enterprise," said Agent John Taylor. "This is more than likely a scared girl, buying things to comfort herself in these Crisis-filled days." Mr. West and Ms. Pryde had no comment at the time we went to press.

Stark Goes EXTREME!!!!!111

A leak inside Stark Solutions has let the news media in on Tony's Stark's most recent change: complete rearrangement of his organs thanks to a top-secret virus know as Extremis. Mr. Stark now has many of the functions of his Iron Man suit inside of himself, thus turning him into a cyborg. His sensory awareness has expanded immensely, which may explain his recent irritability, as he yet to adjust to all the new sensations.

We at The Potato would love to get some reader mail. Send it to us at potato_staff@witty.com.  

[Richard Rider]

The Potato

Richard Rider, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer

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The Mystery of the Super-Monkey
It started with a daring theft from the Fortress of Solitude of Superman's pet monkey, Beppo. Harley Quinn, former executive assistant of the Joker, managed this feat, and departed with Beppo to her bakery in Gotham, New Jersey. Mon-El came close behind her, and examined the premises, finding no trace of the Kryptonian simian.
Months later, Superman found Beppo outside the Fortress, alone and unharmed. He did a full physical check-up, and Beppo seemed to be no worse for wear. However, things have taken a strange turn, as Beppo has been seen with Harley Quinn again, and in the Fortress. What's really going on? Are there two Beppos? Is one a clone? Is one of them not what they appear to be? We at the Potato will get to the bottom of this intrigue.

Valentine's at the Manor
Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy, held a four-day party for Kapow! at his mansion. Much fun and enjoyment was had by all, except one: Selina Kyle. Angered over her rejection by Wayne, Kyle threw a tantrum. Richard Rider stepped in and gave Ms. Kyle a quick counselling session, and sent her off to engage Jason Blood. Will romance spark between the two? We'll have to wait and see.

The Argo Citadel: The Maid of Might's new home
A celestial body joined the heavens recently, in the form of an artificial planetoid now known as the Argo Citadel. Imagined by Richard Rider, and it's primary construction was carried out by Rider and Mon-El. It was designed by Lyle Norg, Invisible Kid of the Legion of Super-Heroes. the construction was funded by the United planets, Brande Industries, and the news show As The Earth Turns, who filmed a special on the construction. It was decorated by the Arthramites from Legion World, and the Habitat Deck was built by the Xandarian Engineering Corps. The planetoid was checked over by I.Z.O.R., Gear of the LSH, before it was transported back in time to be presented to Linda Lee Danvers, Supergirl of the Legion of Super-Heroes. We at the Potato hope Supergirl enjoys this gift for many years to come.


Brainiac 5: The New Legion leader
Querl Dox has been elected Legion of Super-Heroes Leader by a slim margin. His campaign promise of a COMPUTO for every Legionnaire may have had something to do with it. Dox must now chose a deputy leader from the runners-up. Karate Kid has said he has no interest in leading, thus leaving Supergirl or Saturn Girl. Considering B5's past association with Supergirl, she seems to be the one most likely, but we will have to wait and see who is chosen.


KittyPryde stalked by the Shadow
Shadow32X, raging idiot of the CDF, has a crush on KittyPyde. He has tried to send flowers to the lovely Ms. Pryde, but she refused them. What will Jaeger Ayers, her boyfriend do about it? Plenty, we hope.