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I'll color her later btw. XD <33 <3 <3

HALLO CRIT




There's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm just being picky - with the range of weirdness in the world of Halloween, it's kind of weird that even the Japanese demons would think blue hair is something SO CRAZY they would try to experiment on her for. It just doesn't really feel like it makes sense, when we're not talking about humans (which we're not). I like her being wary of magic users, but the reasoning behind it is weak, so you might want to think about it. This really isn't a game breaker, though. Just important to keep the setting in mind when writing these up.



Demons don't harvest souls, this was pointed out previously by Maru, they harvest FEAR. Basically all that means is a one word change in this sentence for you. XD


Attempting to use her techniques on others as 'testing' is a good characteristic because it works well with the whole 'you're here to learn' aspect. She's learning how to use her abilities, and the student body make excellent test subjects. XD


And this isn't a crit as much as it's my curiosity - is there any particular reason she likes the plushies? I'd like to know more detail, what is it about plushies that has a demon like her collecting them? Does she do anything with them, like cuddle when she's alone, or does she like fabrics, or is it colors, etc, there's a million reasons and I'd love to know exactly what it is about plushies that attracted her from the moment she got her first one from her mother. I can see there is an emotional attachment, but is there anything physical as well? There's just a lot you can do with that if you think about it.


The "Why Enroll" has the same issue with the blue hair thing - blue hair is definitely not something normal for Japanese HUMANS, but demons.. it's a little iffy. Though, Junko would disagree, and probably agree with you! Still, I just think using hair as a reason for everything can get a little shallow and leave you with little room for character development. There should be something more deep down as to why she's here. Not why her parents sent her, but why SHE's here - what's she looking for in her future? She wants to prove to her father she can be a better demon - but what does she want for HERSELF, specifically? These questions are the ones that lead to development in the future as she is played out in Amityville and surrounded by students with all their different goals and abilities, and has to find new meaning to her life rather than just doing things because that's what's expected of her.


The natural ability is kind of cool - is that from the TiH information thread, or did you make it up? When stating something with 'All ___ can', you want to either make sure there's nothing conflicting with it, or if there's nothing in the official thread, that you add it! But if you FOUND this in the official thread, then good on you, excellent use of the information available XD

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Now, I've read a few of the crits you already got, and instead of editting my own crits I'm going to amend them. I understand WHY she has blue hair now, and why that is unnatural - and therefore don't necessarily think you should change it. Especially the part in personality, I think that should stay. HOWEVER, I think that the "Why Enroll" SHOULD definitely get worked on because I hold true to the idea that using hair as a reason for everything can get a little shallow and leave you with little room for character development. So basically you can ignore the first part of my crit, but the "Why Enroll" still stands. (: I striked out the part you can read, but then subsequently ignore and not act on. XD

Hope this helps~

When I had this set up, there wasn't much in the way of information as to what exactly they harvested, as I'm sure you can see she has been up here for quite some time by the first post. I just forgot to change it when I found out more, so thank you for pointing that out. ^^

The plushie thing stems more from the fact that it was one of the things her mother brought her as gifts.. which for some reason I thought I had up there already, but apparently not lol. Since her mother showed her more affection than her father, it became something she was attached to even as she grew up. Though part of it is the different fabrics and such, which would give her an attraction possibly to some of the fluffier students. But that is still up in the air atm since it seems to be a somewhat popular trait.

The blue hair, at the time, stemmed from the fact that the demons seemed to be sticklers for being elite, old families that followed the rules and traditions. So for someone to be outside of their 'norm' could possibly be a problem... though it seems that once again the views and such have shifted from when I created this.

Her natural ability comes from the information I could find online, because it seemed that none of the species information was set in stone until an actual character of that species was made. I double and triple checked the official list to make sure there wasn't anything there before adding that in.

I'll see what I can do to make her hair seem more of a annoyance, or maybe just a family issue instead of something that seems to be a bigger part of her now. I'll look over the enrollment thing and tweak that a bit as well... though I'm pretty sure that the color issue will be more of a family thing and some issues to do with her father. Which needs to be worked into her history.


Thanks for your crit guys. ^^

Bump <3