Welcome to Gaia! ::

ON THE CIVILIAN:

Jewelry-Making is a great hobby and will provide opportunities to RP with others. So kudos to that.

I would recommend making "reading" a little more unique. That is a hobby on pretty much every other profile that I read. It would be more interesting and eye-catching to title it "Library Aficionado" and instead focus on how he loves libraries and researching (and then mention how he likes reading in general too). It's all about making your character feel different from everyone else's! That will help increase your odds of standing out in a competition.

Running is also fairly common, but I enjoy the spin you put that he competes for his school with it. That takes the solitary activity and opens it up for RP opportunities.

Baking is fine to me, too. So! Hobbies are pretty solid.

Moving on to virtues/flaws, to summarize, Arian is a polite, trustworthy, and hard-working guy with a penchant to be selectively lazy, easily distracted, and a forgetful mooch.

As it stands now, I think that he is still missing that fatal flaw at the core of his being. The three that you have assigned to him are relatively surface things. He doesn't try on things unless he personally cares them, he sort of zones out and can be forgetful, and he might try to suck a few bucks off his friends. These are definitely things that can cause annoyance, but they are not exactly life-defeating issues. When you think of Arian, what is his greatest downfall? Is all of his politeness and trustworthiness just hiding the fact that he is actually quite selfish? He would much rather be working on his own jewelry or his own projects than devoting any of his time to the interests/concerns of others? This might butt heads with your "trustworthy" virtue -- so I would just make sure to point out that he keeps people's secrets, even if his own are infinitely more interesting to him.

Of all the flaws, I think the first one is the weakest, and of all the virtues, I think the last one is the weakest. You establish in his virtues that he is a big believer in doing things well, and then in his flaws, you say this only applies to things he is personally interested in -- but if that is really core to his being, then why would it be a selective thing? What I mean to say is that these virtues and flaws should be the most significant attributes of his being. If you give him a virtue that is only true some of the time, then perhaps it should not be one of the 2-4 virtues you highlight on his profile? This is more or less food for thought as you begin to fine-tune your quest. In general, I think this would be acceptable!

FOR THE SENSHI:

I like the concept of your attacks. Would it be possible for someone trapped in his barrier to break free by smashing the beads with a weapon, one by one? You should add in the ways that his attack could be avoided/prevented. It's always good to include the weaknesses! Also, instead of defining how often he could do it in a single day, I would stick to define it based on how many times he can do it in a single battle.

For the super level attack, the same concerns apply. One minute is a long time to keep someone from moving entirely. While they are frozen, can they be attacked? Or is it a barrier that prevents them from being hit too? I would definitely add more parameters on this. It would be a touch overpowered to have an ability capable of 100% restricting all movement from any level enemy for a full minute. That is enough time for them to be killed!

While I like his eternal attack, it doesn't seem to keep in line with the previous two. His other attacks where about stopping an enemy from moving -- so why would his eternal suddenly be a strength boost to his allies? I would restructure it so that this attack follows the power build-up that the first two attacks had begun to establish.

Perhaps his regular attack casts a ring of beads on the enemy that slows down their movement. The super attack is able to physically stop them from moving (though for a short period of time). And then the eternal attack is a ring of protection for Athene + 2 allies? I could buy the barrier to barrier move more than barrier to strength boost. Or maybe the eternal attack involves affecting the movement of more enemies? This is up to you! But I don't think the strength buff fits with the rest of the powers that you have outlined.

I hope this helps!

After bouncing some ideas off a friend, I finally nixed Arian's lazy/ slacker flaw and added in a new flaw. Have slightly tweaked virtues and flaws to fit new flaw in better and modified his senshi attacks.

Have finally posted for a mark on this quest, but would still like crits (it's the nitpicker in me xd ), if there's anything that seems out of place or needs further explanation/ expansion

Hi Akina,

Thanks for the crits. All edited smile

I've gone with trapping targets within his beads for a connected attack, but not actually immobilising them.

I've also written into attack notes that people on the outside can break out someone who's trapped by smashing half the beads (hope the approx numbers are ok).