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 Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 9:17 am
Alright! Here's another crit, special for you!! biggrin
While I really like that he's got a temper, I would love to see it a bit darker to set off how down right GOOD he is.
But you also mention if he isn't good at something, he dislikes it. Does that mean he's naturally good at everything else? I would think for someone like Chris, where it's so important for him to be the best that he might secretly train so the next time there's a shown down he'll definitely win.
Besides that, everything else looks rocking! I LOVE Glaucus. He's awesome and so set in his ways and I think he's totally rad.
You've written so much and put so much time into these characters that I really hope you get him! Erm, them?? XD
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Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 2:36 pm
Now for Glaucus
Hobbies:
WINE-ing- What got him into his love of wine? I can see this really well in all of his other hobbies, but not this one. So just throwing that out there. But the other thing is responsibility... Does he like... ever forget and get drunk? With his focus, it seems a bit unlikely, but if he has (because you should never assume, and for the sake of arguing) how did he react afterwards? Hating himself, or just whatever? Pretty much any time he messes up, really, because nobody's perfect. Is this when he gets mad, because the flaw said he mostly gets mad at others...
Virtues:
Guard dog-
Why is he so devoted to the prince? I can see several reasons why he might be, honor being the biggest. But why does he care? He seems to have shut off most of his emotions (it's a flaw of his, right?) and even if there was some compassion or something down in there, why would he even like the prince? It's obvious that he has a strong sense of honor, but I guess what I'm saying is that I really don't see a reason at all for him to be so devoted... you should add some, it's really fairly important.
And yeah. He's even better than Chris, almost perfect. Sorry I couldn't give you more crit, but it took me forever to come up with this much. Mostly I'm just asking why, about every single thing so far. so, yeah, this is a totally awesome character, and I don't see much wrong at all.
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Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:45 pm
Hey guys!! I just wanted to say thank you so much for the crits! They've been really helpful.
In response to Stari: I appreciate your comments about Chris playing baseball and thought about it for a bit, but decided to have him stick with it. I've had a lot of personal experience with baseball/softball, and it's my favorite sport, so I feel as though I can represent it better than something like basketball. Also, pitchers and catchers don't just play defense since they bat, too. My favorite major league player is a catcher and I love when he hits homeruns! (He's also captain.) So a little of that helped mold Chris's desire to come out on top.
In my own opinion (and experience), baseball is very much a total-team sport. Knowing what your teammates are thinking, giving each other signs, strategizing, etc. is all part of the game. (If you watch anime, give Big Windup! a look at to see just how intense baseball teamwork can be... and the show is absolutely adorable!) Also, I feel as though baseball will give him the body strength (especially arms, legs, and core) he needs to be a Cavalier.
For Donating Blood, I added another sentence/edited it a bit to hopefully make it more clear as to why Chris likes doing this as a hobby.
I also took the ideas from Stari, Sunshine, and Aye in dealing with the missing gaps in his virtues/flaws and decided that Self-Righteousness would hopefully be a good go-between.
Of course, now Sunshine has pointed out to me that he sounds like a p***k, or even a secret-douche... XD; Which I'm guessing is good? I mean... I want him to be a character who is willingly kindhearted to others, but he has standards set for them since he places expectations for himself so high. Maybe now he doesn't sound like such a goody goody still?? Maybe??
Also, thank you for your comments (or lack-thereof) for Glaucus!
I did look into Stari's comments on his Wine-ing hobby and edited it a bit.
And thank you for the comment about Glaucus's devotion. I looked into the history of knights and courtships more (and thanks to Sunshine's vast knowledge of the subject) and decided to leave his virtue as-is.
Here's my reasoning:
It is true that knights of history fight for glory and honor, as well as a way to promote themselves and their families in the court, and while it is ideal for them to fight for the glory of the crown, it's not always true.
But for Glaucus, he would have been chosen for his skills, his loyalty to the crown, and his ability to follow orders without talking back. He takes his duty very seriously, for it was placed upon his shoulders to carry. Even if he hated the Prince, Glaucus would die for him because it was what he was trained to do. It's his life's mission and he knows nothing else but to see the Prince safe.
Also, he has no purpose for gaining honor or glory for himself, and he has no family other than his Cavalier brothers and the Prince, which would mean that any honor he would gain would be for the crown and those he fights with.
I think that it's not so much honor as it is duty and loyalty he feels.
Phew! I think that covered everything! Thank you so much, again!! <3333
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