Welcome to Gaia! ::

Ah, so much easier to read! I like how you've condensed things, and her hobbies seem more intuitive to a girl going through foster homes; though I'm wondering how she gets the money for the books and movies.

As for her attacks, why not try to do something where its [At it's core: She summons a gate that allows things in, but has no control over what comes out. Limited to demons, ghost, etc,] in the beginning of each description of what they do, so people who read it get what the bare bones of the attack, and don't have to shift through all the information, esspecially with her final attack, to get the bones of it. That way, people can look into it more if they need to, but they have the jist of what each attack does. I used it in Terpsichore's attacks, and for me it seems to read better. (Dunno about everyone else, but that's to be seen.)

Everything seems okay to me, but I might not be the best person to ask. ^^;

I think that her last attack will probably be too OP to pass. XD; It seems like you want to make her AWESOME in summoning stuff but that could cross into other spheres. The whole summoning demons and hellhounds thing seems to relate less to the sphere and more on SUPERSPECIAL attacks.

You should probably make a power more related to gateways (like locking someone temporarily on the other side of a gate or refer to mel's power help thread!) instead of "gates of hell" aspect. Honestly, summoning ONE type of animal to help you is okay but not like four different kinds because that makes a character way too powerful and interferes with their spheres that may be similar to it.

@ Random - On her final attack, I really am doing everything to stick to the lore of the goddess along with her dealing with gateways. Just because Hecate (goddess) keeps things from coming in, she also can turn around in a very much bi polar of ways and send s**t right back out at you. I can understand the fact she has four types of creatures that can come out is a bit much, I might reduce it down to just hell hounds due to their connection with the lore again, though I'm waiting for a bit of official critique on it before I change it around for the third time.

So I AM aware the attack has problems, and am still working on it, just lookin' for a bit of official say on some stuff at the same time =3


@ Holy - I like mine right now, but maybe I'll get inspired when I take a peek at yours later, haha.

I actually have... in very excessive detail XD;;; I've been drawing out her fuku in it's various potential stages, just haven't finalized an exact design/details to then scan them in and post them. I personally like the floating collar though? So... yeah =x;;;

That was one big reason for debating if I should make it a big quote like that XD;;;
...it's ironic you say that, because in her original, full on OC form where I have too much creative license with her, she has a large tattoo on her back that's of the gateway to Hell with that phrase on it XP;;;
If challenges can change through the stages, I'd love that challenge for her last stage though o 3o <333


Long winded to answer your last questions:

Kailey's personality was always a lot more optimistic than her brother's. She is also a great deal more external than he is, meaning she has a much easier time expanding her "world" to include the one around her, while her brother is very focused on only himself and her. He's also pretty messed up in the head >>;;;

It's already planned though that once Kei's in the Negas, he'll at first not realize the threat it posses to her. It just won't connect in his head that she has a starseed and he must take it. Once this rather horrific realization hits, he starts separating himself from her, to the point that he will eventually leave home. It'll be later in his plot when he does this, but still. Should the order come up to kill her, he would most likely try to convert her instead. He's obsessed with her. Killing her is, currently (though this might change via Rp), not an option for him. Converting her to the "right side," is. Finding out she's a Senshi would just push him more into trying to convert her into becoming a corrupted Senshi.

For Kae, she won't know for a LONG time her brother is a Nega/killer. When she does though... it'll be a big hit on her. By that point, plots with Paynes Gray has her in very strong friendships with a group of friends. Yes she'll be trying to talk him out of being a Nega, but when it's clear it ain't happenin'... her respect and love of life and the people she wants to protect will make her openly fight him. She doesn't want to kill her brother, but it's looking like that her mindset would have it it'd be better for her to kill him than someone else. Kind of cliche, "my brother, my problem," sort of deal.

YEAH it's a drama plot for the twins, but it's one that also has a lot of potential to change due to Rp and whatnot. It'll be fun for me no matter what, haha.


And I'll try to get to the crit sometime this week? @.@;; I'm slow when it comes to critiquing someone, but I'll make a note to get back to you with one <3

Hey - reading over your profile I have a few worries about a) your sphere and b) what you seem to be focusing on that I think will give you long term hang ups when trying for stamps.

Remember that even with Cash slots you have to comply to shop rules and without stamps you'll never be able to roll play your character.

Normally I start with personality but for right now I'm looking at your powers -

Right now you're coming off less as 'Gateway' and more like a shield... if you do some simple tweeks you can make them fir the 'gate' theme better.

A gateway is -
1. an entrance or passage that may be closed by a gate.
2. a structure for enclosing such an opening or entrance.
3. any passage by or point at which a region may be entered: New York soon became the gateway to America.
4. software or hardware that links two computer networks.


Ignoring the last one because software and hardware didn't exist.. she's not the door she's the opening in which doors are hung or framed.

This presents you another problem.
You can't use her to travel from point a to point b because Foramen already does that. So that's in the trash..


-amazing- things you could do with this power.

1) you already have it working where she makes something that -partially- blocks enemy passage.

But say rather than turning into a dome - not a 'gate' at all - do this.

Create a 'gateway' between yourself and the enemy that 'seals off' your enemies behind that gate - for 30 seconds they may not pass -through- this gate, they are unable to jump over it or dig under it. Neither side may attack through it.

Now you have tuned dome into a closed gateway and haven't lost your 'gate' theme.



Your 2nd attack - has a serious case of "Too much"
a) it comes -far- too close to close to ghosts. I believe that's already been addressed. Algol will be summoning 'stronger spirits' with her later attacks.

b) it's overpowered. I personally wouldn't touch RPing with her even if I was on the same side. Even princess serenity never did anything that powerful and she was one of, if not the most powerful senshi in the cannon universe. Trying to do something that summons demons, hellhounds and other things -strait- out of nightmares pangs rather of wishing you could summon Yoma I'm afraid and that's pretty much -right- out.
Spirits like that -really- don't have to do with the gate way so much as they have to do with witchcraft, hell and damnation.

TLDR - DEMONS do not equate to 'Gateways'


Alternates that are potentially amazing

Ultimate gateway!!
1) close the gates of reality - for 30 seconds the opponent becomes 'intangible' and ghost like. Still able to see and hear the real world but unable to interact with it or move beyond 1 foot from where they were made intangible.
If they try and counter their intangibility by putting an intangible blade through a tangible person they can not push said object within 3 inches of any other surface. Nor may they come within 3 inches of any given person with their hands etc.

Once this attack wears off they may move and attack as normal.
She can do this up to 3 times per day.


-- or

Upping the last gate way attack - she could block them off as before for the 1b attack holding them behind it as before for 30 seconds - but it may end in a surprising flattening attack where in the gate 'falls' on the enemy briefly flattening them and immobilizing them.
The fallen 'gate' would exert perhaps (X) lbs of pressure per square inch keeping each target pressed firmly to the floor for an additional 20 seconds before it dissipates

Any -one- of these 'interchangeable' hobbies is -exceptionally- time consuming and takes a long time and a lot of physical training to master let along getting to the point where she could 'display' skills for others.
Street fights aren't fun, she's a highschooler, and preferably not a gangster. If you focus too much on 'how much she is a delinquent' rather than how much of a person she is, she will drown in badass-itis and never make her stamp, let alone convince people to RP with her.

I would pick -one- of these '3' to focus on, I would make it something more common than Freerunning, as, although Casino Royale brought it more into the public eye, I don't believe its yet common enough to justify finding a class sorry.

Taekwondo OR acrobatics are one or the other a good idea though, but not both. She's still a high school student and you'll want something that she's likely to find regardless of where she is.






This is a nice simple hobby - any time anywhere. But you've kind of made it purple. Simplify, simplfy - as the famous quote goes. You can sum this up and make it far easier for people to read by just saying the following.

She's never had formal lessons but she very much enjoys singing just to amuse herself. While a few people have suggested she may be good enough to warent investing in lessons, it won't be done any time soon.

Your whole hobby has just been conveyed in less than half the space <3


Virtues ::

Quote:
Fun-Loving ~ Stress? Who wants stress? It kills your blood pressure and has been proven to kill you young. Best cure? Games! Fun times! And lots of them. All the laughter and smiles and endorphins just makes all the horrible things in the world just melt away, and everything's okay again~ This kind of mentality has easily been her biggest copping mechanism for dealing with the harsh life she's lived thus far, and one she very often tries to use to lighten other people's moods. Regardless if she doesn't expect any gratitude or kindness from the other person, her seemingly constant childish persona just makes it difficult for her to sit back and leave someone in the gloom without at least first trying to make them smile. Usually this includes her various stunts from Freerunning, or maybe just a big blast of enthusiastic energy from her that may or may not result in her falling flat on her face. Even if all she gets is a smile from them saying "You're a freaking idiot, you loser," she'll still take it and keep on grinning her own wide grin.


the better part of this doesn't read as part of the 'fun loving' virtue I'm afraid. - this is at least part 'easy going'
- Fun loving has nothing to do with 'expecting anything from another person' she just wants to go out and have fun, and I'm afraid that's not quite coming off as a merit the way you have it written.
If you change it to 'easy going' you can cover her pref for a stress free life style -and- her lack of caring what other people think, AND not caring if they give her something back.
Phrase it simply, don't get lost in personal history for these, focus on the framework of the flaw or virtue itself ok?



Quote:
Equality for all ~ Just because she expects almost everyone she meets to be a jackass, a lair, or other such horrible people she wouldn't trust as far as she can throw 'em, doesn't mean she's going to act like a complete and total b***h to everyone she meets on contact. She was taught better than that as a child, though even Kailey would admit her parents' lessons had long since been twisted by her experiences in the foster care system. Regardless, upon first introductions, she is very much the kind to offer a friendly wave or smile, as fake as it all might generally be. She doesn't expect theirs to be any more genuine to her, and so long as the first meeting goes along without the other doing anything she could translate as dishonorable, nasty, or otherwise showing behavior she would openly protest against, she'd see no reason to show ill behavior back to them. She hates uptight formalities, and when coupled with her moral code that states you've got to earn someone's respect, that your actions rather than your words must be used to determine if you're worth that extra energy for someone to show you that respect... she doesn't hold it against someone if they don't respect her, knowing that by her own code, she hasn't earned it. Which is fine by her, so long as she knows she did right by how she was taught - young or old, male or female, there's nothing in the book beyond the person's own actions that could ever make her treat someone badly.


Again - I'm loosing the core of this virtue in the history of it.

Rather than focusing on her 'distrust' of others focus on what you -really- seem to be getting at. You seem to be saying, rather than 'Fairness' that she is POLITE. Even if she doesn't trust them she won't be rude to them off the bat. This doesn't -counter- her lack of taste for formalities, it just means she's not going to be off the handle rude. Sum it up perhaps that she prefers to treat others as she would -like- to be treated.



Flaws ::


Quote:
Distrustful ~ Kailey and Kei have, for majority of their lives, been thrown around from foster home to foster home, each time thinking they've found a nice, kind person to take care of them... only to see that, deep down, they're as nasty as they come. From this, Kailey has developed into expecting the worst out of almost except her brother, not trusting majority of the world to hold up their end of bargains, have good intentions, or really mean it when they smile at her. Sure she keeps up her own happy, always smiling nature around others, but outside of those in her little circle of friends, it's nothing more than a show of her saying "screw you" as she quickly separates herself from anything that might lead them to think she's supporting their douchebags ways.

As time goes on, and she meets more people, spends time with them, realizes these individuals are becoming a constant in her life, she'll start to see that perhaps, not everyone is a money hungry b***h/b*****d deep down. That's not to say she doesn't expect them all to be until they prove other wise, however. Never will she lose her darker view of the world outside her eventual group of friends, she'll just... be faintly more able to open her eyes to good deeds others do. No promises she'll believe the acts run to the core though.


Distrustful can be an -amazing- flaw, it really can. But you've really kind of gone overboard to me in how much suffering her and her brother have gone through. It's understandably an very 'easy' plot tool to use but if you focus too much on how much 'poor poor pitty me and how sad my life was' a character can have in her life to the point where they trust almost no one...
They start leaning into the realm of the dreaded Mary Sue.

Realizing that she's based on an OC of yours whom may have had a tragic past please keep in mind that it's always better to fit the character to the shop rather than trying to fit the past INTO the shop.
It'd be more reasonable for her to have stayed IN a foster care unadopted because she refused to be separated from her brother or that people were unwilling to adopt both and that she was teased or picked on for that than it is for her to have encountered repeatedly 'the scum of the earth'.



Quote:
Anger Management ~ Despite everything, all her games and judging of the world around her, one fact will always remain true about her - Kailey has a massive temper. Sometimes it seems she's got a good check on it, that it'd take a lot to push her over the edge. Yeah... not really. A classic hairline-trigger, very little instigating is needed for her to start seeing red. And once she's off... tends to take a good bit to bring her back down from her berserker high.


You're trying for a senshi not a nega here, and even if you must keep the berserker temper I will put out there that even with a twin brother on the other side, getting a corrupted senshi, if that's anywhere in your mind isn't going to be that easy. Especially with 'gateways' as her power. I don't see Charonite or Beryl perceiving that as terribly useful or powerful. Not when their star seeds are -so- much more useful.

That said - WHY berserker... that's an invitation to land her in Juvenile Jail with one snapped temper. Loosing your temper is one thing, as is seeing red but berserker is kind of pushing it into a 'my temper is special' area that will make it -very- hard for her to interact with others. I -strongly- recommend drawing this back to harsh words and -occasional- fisticuffs rather than a berserker state which could mean broken bones and jail time.


Quote:
Vindictive ~ Upon making a friend, as mentioned before, she becomes very protective of them. This quickly escalates to the point that, should anything be troubling them, she makes it her personal goal to set things to right. She hates seeing those she cares for in pain of any sort, believing their problems being a result of her inability to help or protect them from it... even if the problem has absolutely nothing to do with her in the first place. This tends to get her into a lot of needless fights, even sometimes with the friend she's trying to "help" in the first place. In her mind, she's just trying to make things right... so why do people get so mad?


Please just chop the red part to start with - what does she DO to try and be vindictive...why is it fights? Please remember that ANY physical action against another will have consequences. They may spend part of their time as Senshi but Jail here is -very- real, so are the punishments. Detention could end up as the least of her worries if she pushes this too far. If she's a smart girl why not find alternative outlets for her vindictive streak.

I don't know if you've considered this or if it'd be allow, but maybe she could have an attack called something like," Gateway to Power" that would temporarily increase her target's attack power? Obviously this would be used to boost a teammate.

@ Ende - For her Free Style hobby... I'm not personally seeing a problem with her knowing the basics of fighting, and acrobatics that evolved into Freerunning o___o;;; ....or how she has to have mastered all of it to enjoy showing off what she knows? She's athletic. Her acrobatics concise of flips (using her hands, she hasn't figured out how to do it "clean" without bouncing off her hands), splits, and other pretty basic things.

The only part of that she was traditionally taught was Taekwando, everything else she learned on her own or through movies and personal experiences. She's naturally very flexible, so picking up and making her own "style" of the three just kind of came... well, naturally as she found it a good means of entertainment. And yeah, showing off.

I can agree with finding street fights fun a little much, just the rest of it, I don't get from a personal point of view? I've seen people take traditional martial arts training, even what little they learn as a kid, and evolve it on their own into something else for personal use. Yeah they could most likely get their butts kicked by someone who really knew what they were doing, but at the same time they weren't too nervous if a random Joe picked a fight with them.



As for everything else... I can see the points I need to edit/rewrite. Again though, I'm kind of laughing at how after being told to put in character history into things... I'm now being told to take a lot of it out XD;;; -shrugs-

..."BOW"? o.o -thinks of bowing or a dog bark-


@ Holy - That sounds like something a different sphere would cover, personally =o
I'm liking the feel of Gateways being for guarding/sealing things off now xwx;; <3