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 Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:08 am
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Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 10:47 am
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:00 pm
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:50 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:19 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 8:36 am
Parker : Photo Capture : Bad boy, bad!Parker has begun to document all the Negaverse and Senshi that he can with the intent of exposing them on his blog. His first victims are Sailor Polaris (whose name and power he knows) and Lt. Torbernite (whose weapon he saw).
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Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:23 pm
Parker : Solo : Journal Entry - January 15thThe Entry January 15th
It’s been three days since I went to dinner with Dani. I can’t stop thinking about how normal it felt just to be with her. She makes everything easy for me, and she doesn’t hate me for saying the things that I want to say. I don’t make her cry like I used to make Natalie cry. I had resigned myself to a solitary existence for high school. I can make friends in college, friends who read the books I read and like the things I like. Where we are all poor because we are college students and that’s what college students are: poor. But now she wants to see me, and I want to see her. It’s like I have to rework my entire life just to include another person in it. I go to the library every Thursday, but if Dani wanted to see me, I would change that. I would go Friday. I would cancel work to hang out with her. And that isn’t healthy. I’m not used to wanting to change anything.
Isn’t everyone lonely in high school? I never felt lonely for a girlfriend, but now that I know Dani, I feel like I am remembering a whole side of myself that was lonely. Hillworth is not a place to network, unless you want to become a hired gun or a drug dealer. Or if you want to have friends like Franz St. Germaine when you end up at the asylum. Dani took me to Jaimie’s girlfriend’s birthday party with her. I would have never gone to anything like that if she hadn’t asked it of me. I keep changing things for her.
It’s going to be Natalie all over again.
I don’t think Natalie and Dani are the same person, not at all. Dani is a lot more secure than Natalie ever was, and she doesn’t say things that she doesn’t mean. At least I don’t think she does. Natalie was a constant source of frustration. We met at the music store, we hit it off, we started hanging out. I kissed her under the awning outside of The Book Mine because she knew who Kant was. She was the only person my age who would talk about Kant with me. And when I kissed her, she kissed back, and that was it. I was done. I was young and stupid and willing to believe we could care about each other. And then all she did was call me mean and cold and uncaring. Why didn’t she see how much I cared? I racked my brain over that for years. “How can you be so cold?” How was I ever cold? I answered her calls. I bought her dinner. I walked through Destiny City at all hours of the night just to see her.
Looking back, I know that I did all of the step-taking. I was the one who initiated everything. Maybe I came on too strong. She told me I seemed “desperate to see her.” What kind of girlfriend says that to you? What kind of person calls your affection for her desperate? I don’t want to think that Dani could end up like this, but when I met Natalie, she seemed amazing too. Dani has a lot of strengths that Natalie didn’t have, but I can’t see what is lying beneath the skin. I don’t know what she is like when no one is around. She could be an entirely different person when I’m not around. Other than Tallulah, I haven’t met anyone that she knows. She’s probably ashamed of me. She probably doesn’t want anyone to know she is hanging out with a kid from Hillworth.
All relationships are doomed anyway. I am a man. Biologically, I am designed to sleep with as many women as possible. Dani and Natalie are the ones who biology tells to form relationships. Maybe I am just trying to fight a biological imperative and that is why all of my relationships turn to s**t. Maybe I should just be the kind of guy who sees every girl who will have him.
Maybe.
I’m seeing Dani tonight. I still don’t know what to think. I hate that. I always know what to think. I never have to question it. But looking at her, seeing her crack that slanted smile, I can only think about how much I want to kiss her.
Goddamnit, I’m trapped. Again.
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Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:24 am
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Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 5:54 am
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Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:24 am
Journal Entry February 1st
I hate February.
It makes me think of Dad's trial and all the resulting bullshit. It was the start of my time in foster care. My time in the system was brief, but long enough to tell me I never wanted to go back there. I didn't get a suitcase. All of my things were kept in garbage bags as they moved me from house to house, each one more horrible than the first. By the end of it, all my stuff smelled like garbage bags, that faint metallic, plastic smell. I threw away most of the stuff from that time, but I still have this one sweatshirt I kept. Only I can't wear it. Because I pick it up and all I can smell is garbage bags. You'd think the system would do everything they could to keep foster kids from feeling any more like trash than we already do. Well, actually, I guess you wouldn't. The system doesn't care about the individual kids, just their end of term numbers.
I was a temporary kid for those two months of my father's trial, before the decision was made to ship me off permanently to Hillworth. I don't know why they didn't just put me there in the first place. They acted as if they were doing me a favor putting me in the foster system, as if the "family" atmosphere would help me somehow. I can only assume that those in power have never actually lived in a foster home before. I got put in the kind of homes that temporary kids get put in, which are the kind of homes no kid wants to be in.
Today, I woke up and thought of Lionel Barkley. I don't know why. We only knew each other for two weeks. We were both in the McCraven house together. His mom killed his dad, and she was in jail. She had a sister, but the sister said she couldn't afford to keep Lionel. I'd never met any of Dad or Mom's family. If I did, it was when I was too young to remember. Either way, no one stepped forward to claim me, as far as I know. Lionel and I were placed in the same bedroom. There was only one bed, but Lionel agreed to sleep on the floor. I don't know why, but it made me like him immediately. He didn't even know me, and he was willing to inconvenience himself right off the bat.
Everyday, we woke up and did our chores together. I don't remember much conversation, but I think we both preferred it that way. Who wanted to talk about dead and jailed parents? It's not exactly friendly conversation. At night, we would sit out on the back porch of the house and toss dirt clods at the fence. The McCravens were old and had about 4 foster kids at any point, as well as their two kids. The McCravens weren't bad, but their kids were awful. The oldest was about Lionel's and my age, but twice as big as me. He liked to come into our bedroom and steal our covers. Or knock our drinks out of our hands. Or supervise us when we did chores. Stupid stuff, but the kind that would one day evolve into real cruelty as an adult.
That night, Lionel and I were throwing dirt clods at the fence and watching them shatter when the McCravens' son comes out. He tells us not to throw the dirt clods because they're his dirt clods and not our dirt clods because nothing in the whole house was ours. Then he looks at Lionel and says something, and I don't even remember what it was. Lionel was so passive, so calm, so peaceful. But whatever the kid said set him off. He was running across the yard before I could stop him. Even the McCraven kid wasn't ready. Lionel caught him by the collar and ripped him backwards off of the porch. The kid tried to punch him, but Lionel was fast and strong. He landed more blows than I could count before the McCravens' other kid -- a little girl around eight -- came out and saw them.
She ran to her parents, and they broke it up. By the time Lionel was pulled free, the McCravens' boy's face was unrecognizable, punched blue and black. I found out later his nose and cheekbone were both fractured, and he would need reconstructive surgery. Lionel was removed from the home that night, and I never saw him again.
But sometimes I think about him and where he ended up. He said he wanted to be a doctor, but I don't see how it could be possible. The McCravens pressed charges, which mean he would end up in a juvenile detention center. That didn't exactly look good on scholarship applications, and there was no way Lionel could afford it otherwise.
That night, I didn't do anything to help him or to stop him. I just stood there, watching a person who had been pushed too far. A person who tried to be good in a system that promised that good kids would make it out the best. A person who listened and obeyed. A person who watched every promise that had ever been made to him be irreparably shattered. I watched a respectable, honest person snap. And I can't even say I blame him.
I think about Lionel Barkley, and I wonder -- could I snap like that too? Maybe... maybe I just haven't been triggered.
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 7:44 am
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 9:01 am
Parker : Solo : Journal Entry - February 11thThe Entry February 11th
Valentine’s Day. What a cruel holiday.
When you don’t have someone, it just reminds you of how lonely and pathetic you are. And when you do? Then it stresses you out and makes you wake up late trying to decide what kind of flowers and what kind of restaurant and all the other things that have never crossed my mind before. I want to make it nice. I want Dani to be happy about it. But I’m not good at this kind of thing. I never have been. Natalie and I never made it to Valentine’s so I don’t even have the practice of a previous ******** asked Tate about it. That was… awkward. Involving her at all in Dani and me is kind of awkward. I hate having to discuss these personal things, but if I can’t answer the questions myself, then I have to find the answers somewhere. Last night, I spent two hours searching the internet for stories about perfect Valentine’s Day dates. Me. I did this. I didn’t look up the story on that windsurfer who got mauled by sharks (though I did get to that this morning) or about the bear that got out and attacked its trainer (though I’ve read that now too). I spent my free time worried about whether or not Dani likes lilies.
The whole situation is stressful. And it’s made worse by the fact that I still haven’t kissed Dani. At this point, I’m sort of surprised she just hasn’t done it. Maybe she is awkward about it too? Or maybe she just knows that I want to be the one to initiate it? I don’t know. I know I want to kiss her. I think about it constantly. But when we are there, together, the moment never seems right. And if it seems kind of close to right, my mind won’t shut up long enough to just let me do it. Most girls believe that the first kiss will tell them a lot about the prospective relationship with the boy. I’m not saying that Dani buys into that same kind of crap, but – if she does, I really don’t want to blow it all on one kiss.
But it’s been a month. A full month. If it doesn’t happen soon, I feel like it’s going to mean something. With my first kiss, Natalie just kind of initiated it. I mean, I initiated everything else, but that very first kiss I remember. She leaned in and waited for me to come kiss her. I guess you could count Rebecca from middle school too, but that was hardly anything serious. I don’t count Truth or Dare. And Dani… means more than Natalie did. I care more about what she thinks. And because I am older than her, I feel like I should be the one who is composed about this. Instead, I am freaking out like some cheerleader who’s waiting to be crowned Prom Queen. See? That is proof that my head is messed up. When do I ever use similes about cheerleaders and prom queens?
I only have three months left at Hillworth. That’s it. Three months. Technically, I could’ve dropped out of Hillworth my senior year, gotten an apartment, and tried to attend Meadowview, but that would be so complicated. I’ve suffered this place long enough. I can last the final year. Besides, the government pays for my education, room, and board so long as I am here. I don’t want to kill the cash cow just yet. But I haven't been accepted to any colleges yet. I haven't heard back from the State college yet, but all the out-of-state ones denied me. I don’t get it. My SATS are good. Doesn’t it help that I come from an underprivileged background?
Damn, Jaimie is waking up. Don’t want him knowing about this journal.
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:39 am
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Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:20 am
Parker : Solo : Journal Entry - February 14thJournal Entry February 13th 14th
Today, I feel less pathetic. Because last night, well more like a few hours ago, I finally kissed Dani. Finally. Finally. It was bad enough that she thought I was gay when we first started to hang out. It was worse when I couldn't ******** man up and kiss her for a month and two weeks. But I did it. I did it.
I DID IT. I KISSED HER.
It was nice, even if it was snowing. She was wearing a kind of ugly massive marshmallow-pink coat, but her hair was all down and loosely curled. She looked pretty, almost prettier than normal. I like seeing her like that, kind of stripped down from her typical self. Part of me still can't believe she came to meet me. Well, I guess not. Dani likes adventure. I just didn't know how her parents would react, if she was willing to sneak out, or any of that. Not like any of that matters now.
Because I kissed her.
And I'm going to do it a ******** of a lot more from now on.
It's odd to think that it has been years since my own first kiss. I think I've missed that kind of affection more than I realized. I've missed a lot of things I haven't realized. Sometimes being around Dani makes me feel stupid, and my thoughts get muddled. I don't care in that moment, but sometimes when I'm home alone again I worry about it.
If she can make me this happy, then what will happen when we fight? I'm trying really hard not to poison this thing. Natalie told me I "poisoned everything I touch" before we broke up. Really nice of her to say. Really uplifting. The thing is, I never cared about how I acted around Natalie the way I do around Dani. Kissing Natalie was never a big deal. Kissing Dani felt like a culmination of something.
Who knows.
When I leave this shithole excuse for a school, I'm going to get an apartment in town. And then Dani can actually come visit me where we can be alone. I'm not exactly the type to sneak into a girl's bedroom, and if I went to her house otherwise, I'd have to meet her parents, which I don't want to do. Dani is kind of the type of girl who might be willing to break into Hillworth, but I don't want to take the risk. I don't know how Jaimie would feel about that either, and even if she did come in here, it wouldn't be private. It would be her, me, and Jaimie sitting around.
I'm just so ready to move on with my life: to graduate, to move out on my own, to finally be in charge of my own life. The computer repair business could be better, but I make enough to get by and then some right now. I looked into rent in Destiny City. I'd have to get another job, or maybe join up with an official computer company that could give me benefits. Would they hire a kid fresh out of high school? I wonder if there is an aptitude test that I can take...
I'll have to look into that on Monday. I need to sleep so I can wake up and get stuff ready for Valentine's Day with Dani. They'll come by to check our room soon too. I don't want to get caught and sentenced to yard duty all day tomorrow instead.
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