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 Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 12:54 am
The reassuring smile he'd been trying to keep affixed goes slack and vanishes into a look of puzzlement.
.....then one of realization.
.....wait, then....how....
His projections are perplexed, floundering as he grasps for what, exactly, it is he wants to ask.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 12:57 am
She then wraps her arms around herself, hunched over, not able to keep that little smile up anymore at all.
"I'm glad you're all right as otherwise I would have ruined two lives..." she whispers.
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:03 am
He wants to ask her why she didn't try to reach him.
And knows he can't because the same could be asked of him.
And that is, perhaps, the most infuriating part of all.
Blinking bewilderedly, trying very hard NOT to panic (please, not now. Not here...), he sags back in his seat.
.....they had told him that the bond had been ruined. That Baikou had recovered fully. He---he had never thought....!!
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:07 am
... Then Hitsuga figured that part out, too.
She rubs her eyes again... then drops her hand to her lap suddenly, her arm going limp. "I..."
Baikou...
"I wanted to see you," she says, lamely.
"... What should I do... ?"
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:19 am
and....
.....and he doesn't know.
He doesn't know.
He had prepared himself for any number of things when they met again, but this....had never even entered into his mind.
He thinks of all of the time she has kept this to herself. That she has been just as broken as he's felt, and all in the name of not wanting to cause HIM grief.
He's....
His jaw trembles as tears spill down his cheeks.
He's glad she wanted to see him. And he doesn't....he's not sure what they should do now, but....there's been little happiness for him in these years without her.
He doesn't want her to leave. Not again. crying
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:27 am
Hearing that response from Hitsuga -- and the relief of making a confession for which she had long waited -- seems to have given Baikou the strength not only to put a smile back on but to straighten up and reach towards his shoulders, murmuring to him, There there, there there.
"Here I am..." she says slowly, in between long breaths, "rushing off to a strange world... After I scolded Rika for chasing after that man's ponytail." She even laughs now. "Charging ahead blindly, no plan, just want to see him again..."
... But... But... There is...
"... I ruined Yuuto's life," she whispers, drawing her hands back.
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:35 am
And even as he allows himself to be soothed by her voice and her touch, it is just as quickly gone again, leaving in its place that sobering realization.
Feeling as if his heart is being yanked in seven directions at once, Hitsuga is not sure how he feels about what anymore and draws into himself a bit, breathing slowly, calming himself.
.....if.....if he may ask, what had happened...?
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:41 am
... Hitsuga will start hating her soon, she says, in a tone that suggests it was supposed to be a half-joke but is suffused with fear.
"... Yuuto," she says, softly, contemplatively, as if remembering, "I met him at the sanatorium... wanted to court, and--" She stops, turning her face again, biting her lip, but -- she can't keep anything secret, she really must not let herself -- "I said... I was already married, he could never be my husband. And--"
She rubs her face and breathes a second. "... He said he didn't mind, that I needed a child and he would... give himself up for that purpose."
And she laughs, more than ruefully, with a deep painful feeling, "And you know my problem, I always believe what they say..."
She looks down at her hands. "Matsuto's... He's healthy, but..." and she seems to lose track of what she was saying.
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 1:55 am
To that, Hitsuga really does not know what to say.
He doesn't know what he -could- say, really...
But having promised her he will not judge, he does his best to adhere to his word.
He's....he's never heard of such a thing, he admits. But....but if all involved were willing, if this was what Yuuto had wanted and had known it was what he would receive....
....then he cannot hate Baikou for that.
Behind the wall of his mind, his gears turn furiously. Any way he looks at this situation, it is not a good one. To stay with her now, to fulfill his end of something long left undone between them, would be to end her suffering and his own at the cost of a man who had been there for her when Hitsuga had been hiding, and had given her her son.
To deny her and tell her she should return to Yuuto....
His mind, just for a moment, contemplates her reaction to that, and he quickly banishes it. He doesn't want to watch her crumble again. Not because of him.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:03 am
Baikou shakes her head a bit, sighing sadly. "I hurt him... So stupid, not to see... just like--"
... Sorry, she's blaming herself, and it must not be pleasant for Hitsuga to hear.
She stays silent a while, gazing at the wall at first... and then turning her gaze to Hitsuga, fixing, for the first time since she's arrived, an intense stare on his face, his neck, his body draped in clothes, his long dark hair -- noting the things that have changed, the slightly more refined, adult lines, the longer look, the dark circles -- but so many things that have not changed.
"... But I am a bad person," she says slowly, her eyes coming back to his. "Because I can't...
"... I have to have what I want."
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:19 am
He squirms a bit, feeling pinned under her eyes as they scrutinize him, and...at length, his dark eyes dodge her own to look down at his hands.
Well...
....he does not believe Baikou would do such a thing maliciously. She wanted a child, and her--her husband...
he stumbles over the word, still having not quite swallowed it yet.
....was hiding in the Chemists' Tower in Rinkoku, not answering for anything he'd done, not trying to amend relations with his family, not trying to see to it that his best friend since childhood had recovered....just hiding. And hoping he could cover up for his transgressions with pretty bottles of fragrance.
If Baikou wants to look at it that way, then he's not a good person either.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:26 am
Perhaps back then, Baikou was just foolish.
But is it any better than malice to know the harm that one's actions can bring, but... not to care...
... She stops the hands that had been reaching, almost reflexively, out to Hitsuga, and presses them to the table firmly instead, looking down at them as well.
... Baikou thinks that the reason she had to come, to see Hitsuga's face for herself, was to be sure that things were as she felt them to be, not as the doctors told her they were... and now that she has confirmed that, she can't go home and pretend that everything is upright and normal and respectable.
She looks back at Hitsuga, her brown eyes suddenly sparkling with an intense energy that she had been lacking all day. -- She can never force Hitsuga, make him suffer for her sake, but -- Now that she knows she was right -- She can't -- It has to be either he or no one who is her husband now.
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:41 am
.........
He falls silent, swallowing through a throat that feels far too tight as his hands, once again, begin to worry at one another.
He still doesn't know what to think.
And the look in her eyes tells him that she will not think otherwise.
Feeling as if the entire situation has gone from being bounced between them to landing squarely in his lap to deal with, he, at length, reaches up with a slightly-trembling hand to rub at his eyes.
He wants to make her happy.
After all of this time of hating what had happened, he wants nothing more than another chance to do that.
.....but right now, he needs to get his thoughts in order, and needs to digest what they've discussed for awhile. And he begs her to please understand...
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:46 am
Baikou continues to look up at him, her gaze finally steady -- with a smile, this one, somehow, more sincere than any other she has worn herself.
Hitsuga can choose anything he wants; he can take whatever road leads to his happiness. But this is what Baikou knows and what she chooses.
It does indeed as if a tremendous weight has been lifted off of Baikou and shunted onto Hitsuga, as her whole person seems lighter and freer as she lets out a long sigh, closing her eyes briefly. She then reaches out, not quite so slowly, and touches his shoulder, enclosing her fingers around it if he will let her, as if to prove that she can.
"I don't mind."
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Imperial Princess Rika Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 2:56 am
He allows the touch, but seems to not register it for the moment. As if all of this, while it did not turn out as badly as he'd often feared, is much MUCH more complicated than he'd ever imagined.
After what seems a very long time, his own hand reaches up to place itself over her fingers, giving them a very faint squeeze.
....and then slips away as he rises from his chair.
Is there anything he can do to make her more comfortable? His home is, of course, open to her....as he does not imagine Rika and Setsushi have any room to spare.
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