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 Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 10:52 pm
Shifting again, to pull his shoulder out of the uncomfortable angle it had tried to support him in when the Boyan-shaped weight had suddenly descended on him, he turns his head to fix his eyes on the oracle.
He....well, he does not suppose there's anything wrong with it, he admits. He just...does not feel especially deserving of it, is all.
People who fall ill through no fault of their own, THEY are the ones who ought to receive love and care. People who bring it on themselves and upset others deserve to pick up the pieces alone and try not to do it again in the future.
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 10:55 pm
Boyan thinks Hitsuga needs a hug. stare
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 10:59 pm
.......
Hitsuga is sure that isn't necessary.... sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 11:04 pm
Noooo, nooooo, Boyan projects, warmth and childish playfulness practically FORCING themselves on Hitsuga as he rearranges himself on the bed, throwing an arm haphazardly over Hitsuga's chest, and tossing all sense of manners out the window (as if he'd been adhering to them anyway).
Silly Hitsuga. Silly, silly Hitsuga. If he stops being so silly, maybe Boyan won't drool on his shoulder! rofl
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 12:27 am
His upbringing and societal norm have ingrained into him that some things are just unacceptable. Certainly on that list, though perhaps not topping it, is flinging onesself at another that they are not married to or at least related to.
As such, Hitsuga's reaction is to immediately tense, his body language seeming to say What the--you can't just *do* that...!! gonk
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 12:34 am
Silly Hitsuga, thinking silly things like being sick or hitting one's head is all his fault. Unless Hitsuga purposely hit his own head or made himself sick or walked into a place full of trouble and said "EXCUSE ME, BUT WOULD YOU PLEASE SHARE SOME OF THAT TROUBLE WITH ME?", then he's not to blame for anything.
Hitsuga is so, so, so very silly, to think that any of this is his fault or that he has a duty to make Boyan comfortable when Boyan is here to do that for Hitsuga.
Does Hitsuga think it's his fault for making Melody worry? Melody worries because she likes Hitsuga and thinks he's her new bestest friend, and she worries when her friends are hurt or sick or sad. And Boyan worries when his daughter's friends are hurt or sick or sad. But it's not Hitsuga's fault at all, is it?
Hitsuga never asked Melody to worry about him, did he? He never asked Boyan to worry about him, did he? Hitsuga never asked that of either of them.
But they worry because they want to.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 12:52 am
Boyan's words flutter about in the cage of his skull like a cloud of butterflies. All of them looking for that place in his mind that's a direct passage into his heart where endearing words and compliments from others OUGHT to go and be kept. They patter against the rusted-shut door of it, gentle but insistent in trying to get where they belong.
He....no....he didn't ask. He didn't need....
For reasons he doesn't really understand, the corners of his eyes begin to prickle even as he tries to steel himself against it.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 1:07 am
So really, Boyan continues, pressing his forehead into Hitsuga's shoulder, what, precisely, should he be finding fault in?
Even if Hitsuga thinks he doesn't need to be fussed over, doesn't need to be cared for, doesn't need help, doesn't need someone to tell him everything is going to be all right...
Doesn't Hitsuga think, maybe, it's okay to want these things? That just by virtue of having friends who are willing to do so much for him, that he deserves those things?
After all, Boyan thinks, everyone deserves good things. Even Grumpy, with whom Boyan wants nothing to do, deserves good things. Not from Boyan, since he will be keeping his distance, but from people like Yousei and even Melody. There are so many good things, after all, that there's no reason everyone can't have them, right? 3nodding
And even though there are a lot of bad things, nobody deserves them even Grumpy, unless they're crazy enough to really, really want them.
Hitsuga isn't crazy enough to want bad things, is he? He never really wanted them at all, did he?
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 1:26 am
And...
And no. No he never did. He NEVER did.
Privately, his mind touches back on today in particular. That look Nozomi had given him. Those things she'd accused him of. And for what...? For opening his home to a lost child?
All he'd ever wanted to do since his one big mistake was get beyond it and do well by others. And it sometimes seemed to turn out anything but favorably. Especially in this world where, though nobody knew of his past transgressions, they seemed eager to invent new things entirely to fault him for. ....and he hated it.
He begins to tremble, feeling something stirring. Something that's been too long-neglected that is not going to stand for being let out in spoonful doses of heavy sighs or a few shed tears any longer.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 1:34 am
Then...
Boyan pulls himself up; rearranges himself to better support rather than simply flopping all over Hitsuga like a dying fish. Boyan knows what that trembling means; he's done it himself-- recently, in fact. And knowing how therapeutic it is to simply let everything out, he gives one last, gentle nudge, as if to encourage Hitsuga to stop simply dipping his toes into the swimming pool and to just jump in.
Then...
...
Then Hitsuga never deserved those bad things-- ANY of those bad things-- at all, did he?
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 2:01 am
Boyan's gentle goading may as well be a stick of dynamite exploding itself in front of a rotting dam.
He...he didn't think....he.....
The thought tries once to complete itself, twice, and then the words go lax and dissolve as he gives up entirely. In more ways than one, apparently, as the tears don't just come, but overwhelm him.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 2:09 am
"Sssh, sssh." Boyan doesn't truly mean the words; shushing Hitsuga is not only likely impossible at this point, but it would be rather counterproductive. However, the soothing noise itself, coupled with Boyan throwing his arms around Hitsuga, projecting soothing, gentle feelings, would hopefully get his point across.
It's all right. It's going to BE all right. Everything, right now, is okay. Boyan will stay as long as he's needed -- or rather, wanted-- and just sit here, rocking, stroking Hitsuga's hair until all that needs to get out gets out..
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 3:05 am
It doesn't so much feel like crying as it feels like someone has taken his soul and is now wringing it like a wet cloth. Its as if it threatens to consume him entirely, and he can't stop the descent into it. Its a void that's beckoned to him before that he has shied away from...one that's offered a veiled promise of him feeling better if he'd just give himself to it for awhile.
.....but it had always been such a long way to drop, he'd thought. And too frightening to face alone. He'd always pulled back, tapped things down, jarred them away for a little longer.
He had not been given a choice this time. This time someone had watched him hesitating there and hopped onto his back, toppling BOTH of them into it.
And even though it hurts, even though it feels like its never going to stop, those reassurances, and comforts, and touches tell him otherwise.
Six years of self-blame, anger, frustration, regret, and a small variety of other things pour themselves out of him where they no longer have any power and die tiny deaths as tearstains on the bedding or sobs on the air.
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 3:14 am
And Boyan can't help but smile at it all, fingers working at tangles in Hitsuga's hair, projections remaining calm, gentle, reassuring. Almost fatherly, in a way, as it's the role Boyan has played for many, many years. Even if Hitsuga was far too old to be Boyan's son-- a little brother, perhaps, but not a son.
See? It feels so much better now, getting it out, doesn't it?
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 3:36 am
It does. Little by little, it does. Even if he can't really say that at the moment....
When the feeling of being squeezed unbearably has passed, when his eyes have stopped burning, when he can finally draw a full breath again, he finds that he is utterly drained....
....but that ugly deep-seated lump of dread and tension that has always been firmly foremost in his thoughts, badly-hidden with a candy shell of politeness, has dissolved itself for now. It is a good sort of tired.
The perfumer draws a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh that takes with it the last of the tension in him as he sags back against Boyan, exhausted for the moment. Not even being able to find enough of himself to be embarrassed to be seen in such a state of collapse.
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