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 Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:40 pm
Oh, I almost forgot; some extra details about her facial features would be appreciated. Aside from her coloring, I have no idea what her face looks like. What shape is her face? How big are her eyes, and is her nose delicate? Does it have an arch? That kind of thing. You don't have to do this; it would just be nice.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:24 pm
Dancing Princess indeed.
So. The whole 'on a good day thing' was, well, I don't know about you, but I fluctuate in height by half an inch or so on any given day. I'll make sure to clarify and edit a bit. I'll probably up the weight by a few pounds for the muscles. Do you think I should change the part about the arms?
Your eyes sound cool. Yeah, I couldn't think of any better word for green besides emerald and green. Thesaurus.com is not my best friend, but I will bond for this role-play.
Dashes- good. Got it. As for Quiet, I'm a bad proofreader. I'll look for comma places. I definitely skimped on the personality section. I'll add some more to that.
By fast I meant her childhood was easy for everyone, nothing dramatic or terrible. I should add a sentence or two about that. As for facial details, I think I skipped that because that just feels like the kind of place that ends up sue-ish for a lot of people, even when they try hard not to be 'perfect'.
Well, I'm waiting for my other computer to finish wiping so I'll fix those now. Thanks for the suggestions!
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 2:37 pm
You're very welcome.
Really? Your height fluctuates? O.O I guess that makes sense, depending on how you sleep, and on how your bones settle that day. Fascinating. I don't measure myself every day, so... Um... You don't have to do change that. I was just being dumb.
Arms- yes, but I would just take out the part about not being muscular in that area. You don't have to add anything in about her being able to lift trees with her bare hands, or anything. ^-^
As for the Mary Su-ish bit, I suppose that's true with certain types of RPers, but your character is already not a Sue, you don't have to worry about it. Just because I'm bored, a Sue might write something like:
'Marie has smooth, perfect skin that is a light, beautiful golden color from being out in the sun. Her lips are full and naturally pink, her nose is tiny and delicate, and her crystal blue eyes have an exotic tilt. Her face is a smooth oval.'
While a better writer might write something like:
'Marie's skin is lightly tanned from being out in the sun, but the same exposure has given her slight, premature lines at the corners of her eyes. Her face is roughly square shaped, with a hard, sharp jawline, a prominent chin, and high, clearly defined cheekbones. Her dark blue eyes are thickly surrounded by pale, almost white lashes, and her nose is of medium size, with a bump on the bridge. The mouth is a little thin for conventional beauty, but pleasant and well used to smiling.'
That sounds like an actual person, and it gives the other RPers someone much more concrete to picture. Even someone more beautiful would be okay, as far as I'm concerned, as long as they sound humanly possible. There are beautiful people in the world, after all. It's the personality and background that really concern me.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 2:47 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 2:50 pm
Goody! I shall go and read over it at once!
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 3:27 pm
Okay! The notes on Smorgasmorgan's profile will now commence!
First five sections: perfect.
How I normally look:
I would like a specific height for Anya. I know that she's short, but how short? 5'3 short? 4'11 short? Shorter? Specific heights just give the reader something more specific to work with.
As for the rest of it, I would like a bit more detail. Besides kind-looking, how would you describe her face? I mean, obviously I can just look at the picture, but this section is supposed to stand on its own. I can get an accurate picture of her hair, figure, and clothes from what you've written, but I can't picture her facial features.
Fairytale Appearance:
I think you are going to have to redo this whole thing, unfortunately. I probably should have made this clearer, but whatever transformation your character undergoes in order to become her fairytale self have to be strictly non-magical. If she wants to become taller, she'll have to wear heals, or something. If she wants to become more slender, she can get a corset. Contacts will take care of the color of of her eyes, and if they have to become wider, then she'll have to... I don't know. Use makeup tricks.
Any magical abilities she might gain as she learns how to become her character have nothing to do with appearance. In order to get a better idea of how this works, check out the original RP.
As for the actual clothing, I would like a specific description. What, exactly, does the dress look like? What kind of shoes is she wearing? What does this frog costume look like? Goddess of the Dream did very well for this part, so if you want an example for your princess costume, check hers out.
How I am: I really like this section; you've taken the basic 'quiet girl' personality, and you've really built a unique character from that baseline. That said, I would still like more. What does she like? Dislike? What does she do with her spare time? How does she react to attention when she is noticed? Just suggestions, but you get the idea.
How I came to be: More detail, please. Why did Vasilisa become her hero? How did she feel when she was chosen to become her? What does she think of the school? I'm sure you can think of more.
...And we're done. Questions? Concerns? Don't hesitate to let me know.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:04 pm
Whew. The re-write is finished!
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:20 pm
Wow! Very fast! Or... Yeah. I've been out longer than I thought I was. mrgreen Oh, the cleverness of me.
I shall look over it directly.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:30 pm
Okay. Much, much better. I really appreciate the effort. There were a couple of structural and grammatical errors, but I'm not going to bother you with those.
Only one question this time, and it's mostly a clarification thing. Is the Vasilisa who is a frog the same character as the Vasilisa who is the princess, or are they from two separate stories? That's a little confusing. If they're not the same character, than she isn't obligated to be both of them. For example, the Chinese version of Cinderella would not be expected to have glass slippers. Does that makes sense?
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:15 pm
Vasilisa the wise is a Russian character, who like Baba Yaga, appears in a couple of different stories. She seems to be the same person in all of them, as she is described in the same way.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:35 pm
*shrug* Okay. It's really up to you, anyway. Accepted, as soon as you give me the names of one or two of the main stories she's in.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:41 pm
Itis five hours later and my edits have been submitted. Unlike me to bed before I get up at eight to go to New York. I'll be back on tomorrow pretty late in the evening. It sounds like I'm leaving now, but that's actually a lie.
I shall sit here untill the lack of circulation in my feet turns them blue. Because blue feet are awesome.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:45 pm
>.> Until they fall off from lack of circulation... But, then, I've heard the 'footless' look is going to be very popular this spring. ^-^
Going to look. Should be done pretty quickly, if you want to wait up.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:47 pm
My feet say I should. They rule where I am and am not so.... Here I am!
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