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| Will you laugh with me or at me? |
| With you coz I luff you! |
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64% |
[ 11 ] |
| At you coz you are heaps funny! |
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35% |
[ 6 ] |
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| Total Votes : 17 |
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 Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:45 am
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants charging?
Here come the elephants. biggrin
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:46 am
What do Mice do when its really cold?
They light it!
biggrin
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:47 am
Why shouldn't you go into the jungle between the hours of 12 and 4?
Cause that's when the elephants practice their sky diving!
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:48 am
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:49 am
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants charging?
Here come the raspberries.
She was colour blind!
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:50 am
Why are crocodiles flat?
They went into the Jungle at 3!
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:51 am
Why were the elephants holding their noses?
They couldn't stand the smell of burning duck!
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:55 pm
Deniece Marry Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
'Certainly madam', he replied courteously.
'Is the restaurant open still?' inquired Mary.
'Sorry. no,' came the reply, 'but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?'
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. 'Hmmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please'.
'Certainly madam' he replied
'And can I have breakfast in bed?' asked Mary. The receptionist nodded and smiled.
'In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please.. poached' After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
'Morning madam.. sleep well?'
'Yes, thank you' Mary replied
'Food to your liking?'
'Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all' Mary replied truthfully.
'Oh... well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion' said the receptionist.
'Ok I will... thanks!' replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
Here it is.....
"Super califlower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!!!"
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 2:30 pm
Two Kentucky hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other 'think we oughtta help?'
'I reckon' said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked 'Kin yew breathe?' She shook her head no.
'Kin yew talk?' he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said.... 'Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time'
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Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:33 pm
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
work cocktail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As
all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring
so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said.......
"Clean my house."
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 3:07 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 9:45 am
Ahahahaha! Those are both really good! And I've been joking on vzones the last couple days with people about housework. xd
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Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:32 pm
Thanks Fawn! I was looking for jokes to cheer up a friend who just lost his uncle and this is one I chose because it made me smile. WickedUmmagine Deniece Marry Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
'Certainly madam', he replied courteously.
'Is the restaurant open still?' inquired Mary.
'Sorry. no,' came the reply, 'but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?'
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. 'Hmmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please'.
'Certainly madam' he replied
'And can I have breakfast in bed?' asked Mary. The receptionist nodded and smiled.
'In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please.. poached' After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
'Morning madam.. sleep well?'
'Yes, thank you' Mary replied
'Food to your liking?'
'Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all' Mary replied truthfully.
'Oh... well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion' said the receptionist.
'Ok I will... thanks!' replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
Here it is.....
"Super califlower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!!!"
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Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 4:39 pm
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet, and scrub the mirror......
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 4:44 pm
Bulletin Bloopers
Here are some actual problem sentences found in church and denominational bulletins and/or newsletters:
1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
8.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
9.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
10.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
11.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
12.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
13.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
14.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
15.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
16.Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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