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 Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:14 am
Here is the substitute for the flu shot.
*******************************
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he couldno longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
If you don't send this to five friends right away there will
be five fewer people smiling in the world!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:20 am
Smart Guy !!! NOT !!! LOL !!! ~sloweiser~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tight Shoes
**********
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans
feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:52 am
Mid Term Test
************
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last
>question was: "Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The correct answers
>will be worth 70 points or none at all."
>
>One student who had also partied a little too hard the night before, was
>hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote:
>1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
>2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
>3. It is always available as needed.
>4. It is always at the right temperature.
>5. It is inexpensive.
>6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
>
>And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell rang
>indicating the end of the test, he wrote...
>
>7. It comes in such cute containers.
>
>He got an "A."
~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:59 am
Baseball Lingo
************
> > >An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.
> > >The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and
> > >then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"
> > >The next batter hit a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd
> > >again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
> > >The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The
> > >fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk"
> > >and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman
> > >stood up and screamed, "Run, run ye stupid idiot, run!" The people
> > >around him began laughing.
> > >Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the
> > >man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run - he's
> > >got four balls. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
>laddie !"
~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:07 am
Vulgar Display/Comment
*********************
>In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged
>man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so
>her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
>
>She replies, "My head hurts."
>
>Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"
>
>"Yes," she says.
>
>Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
>
>"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her
>lips.
>
>"Is it better now?"
>
>"Much better."
>
>"Anywhere else?"
>
>She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
>
>Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young
>man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:25 am
Redneck Slang
*************
1) If something is hard to do, " it's like trying to herd cats."
2) A hectic schedule keeps you, " busier than a cat covering do-do on a
marble floor"
3) You're momma is so fat, when she got on the scale, it said " to be
continued"
4) He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
5) The wheel is still turning but the hamsters dead
6) It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs
7) Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit
cool I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style
9) Cuter than a sack full of puppies
and last but not least,
10) Gooder than grits
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:35 am
Brand New Dad
*************
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out
to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful
new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did
everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop
crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to
the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says
it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 5:56 pm
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 3:41 am
LOL !!! I will be adding more soon. ~sloweiser~
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Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 2:48 pm
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 7:28 am
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... Lol. All of them are great. xD ...although it can be distorted.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 7:35 am
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...
Makes You Go Hmmmm ???
***********************
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to
smile every once in a while.
...although it can be distorted.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 8:50 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:39 pm
"Wal-Mart trip"
************
>You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house, mowing
>the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
>You are hot and sweaty and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
>work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,
>old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis
>shoes.
>Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
>you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
>Depending on your age you might do the following.
>
>In your 20s:
>Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
>your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the
>mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
>know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
>lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
>
>In your 30s:
>Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your
>shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your
>hands and got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the
>smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to
>someone you went to school with.
>
>In your 40s:
>Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
>the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
>Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
>don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
>the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
>running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
>she is spicy.
>
>In your 50s:
>Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
>your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
>sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
>shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
>register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
>it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop
>and it says, "I Got Worms."
>
>In your 60s:
>Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
>crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
>50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
>your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have
>your glasses on so you are not sure.
>
>In your 70s:
>Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
>prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
>The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
>her grandfather.
>
>In your 80s:
>Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
>that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around
>trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and
>you think someone called out your name. The old lady that
>greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
>
>In your 90s:
>Stop what you are doing.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:55 pm
So, there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. and then the kids yelled, 'Hey Mom, come see the kittens.' 
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