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 Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:44 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 11:12 pm
I keep seeing this thread and feeling an intense need to join in, but I am unsure what to say. I have only ever talked about my experiences in this vein in detail with my best friend - and even then only after many years. I have hinted at it on occasion when someone has said something I took offense from - if only to denote that I knew what I understood the feelings.
I think it is harder for men who are raped to get adequate help. All too often people focus on women in these situations and forget that men can be sensitive and hurt too - that men are "strong" and just get over it or something.
I am going to try to speak of some of my experiences, if that is alright. They might come out brief and clumsy, but I tend to zone out a bit when I think about it - like I am somewhat on auto-pilot.
I think I can say it all started when I was 6. I was at a friend's house and we were playing in his room. We were playing with his hamster when his dad busted into the room, knife in hand, and started screaming at us. The next thing I know, I am lying on the floor beside the bed as Josh's dad held him up by the neck and stabbed him over and over again. He threw Josh aside and came after me. I remember struggling and him calling me a term i do not think I can say on our forums - a derogatory term for a homosexual that shares its name with a small log with the suffixation of -boy.He then proceeded to rape me and as I was pressed down into pools of bloodied gore on Josh's bed, I saw Josh, crumpled and dying, strewn across the shelves in his room, watching as the life drained out of his eyes. Somehow, I managed to get away and I ran to a neighbors house and they called the police. Later that night, Josh's dad was shot down by police when he tried to attack them with a knife.
After that, I spent several months in the hospital, both for the damage done to me physically and psychologically. Since that time, my mother has referred to me as perverted and soiled.
In the years that followed, the abuse worsened across the board - psychological, physical, and sexual. My body was sold at least once along with many pictures being taken, I do not really want to go into details anymore as I am already shaking and crying as I write this - I just want to get it over with.
In the 5th and 6th grade, there were three boys who raped and beat me nearly every day in the boys' lavatories and the equipment rooms. But by that time I was too ashamed and too scared to tell anyone. I was afraid of being punished further.
By the time I was 18, I was fully sexophobic and when a doctor molested me, I could not even say anything then.
All those experiences and all the abuse, then add to it that I have lost so many friends over the years - even the one girl who ever loved me, and it is little wonder I am so messed up.
Twenty-nine suicide attempts was the result as the strain built up. My friends say I am still alive because I have things left to do in life - death just won't take me until they are done.
If there is one piece of advice I have for anyone who has suffered, it is to find a special friend who knows you better in the first moment you meet than anyone else will know you in an entire life, that special friend who can pick you up, dust you off, and bandage the deepest of your wounds no matter how old and rotten those injuries became. It took me 23 years to find him, but in the four years we have known each other, he has turned my life around and I am finally starting to heal and grow. I finally have hope in my life because of him - hope for happiness, health, and to be whole again in a good life one day.
Thank you for listening to this rambling elf. It does feel a bit better to just say it.
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 11:02 am
Exxos... If I could I would reach out to hold your hand or hug you if that were okay... I am so very happy that suicide was not the end of your life's story. I much prefer the happy endings in life. And with your good friend in your life it sounds like you are well on your way to getting your happy ending. I am sure there will still be many ups and downs in this roller coaster we all live through but have faith sir... somehow... there is a happy ending for us all.
On another note and really not all that far from topic I was just wanting to say that I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I've tried to stop in just to check in every couple of days but the months have just pushed me to the brink and having the time to sit and vent really isn't there right now.
Suffice it to say I am okay for the moment.. I will probably come back to fill you all in more at a later date.. but my kids need supervision as always.. so off I go... *hugs to all the strong survivors and friends*
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:08 pm
ErinsChaos Exxos... If I could I would reach out to hold your hand or hug you if that were okay... I am so very happy that suicide was not the end of your life's story. I much prefer the happy endings in life. And with your good friend in your life it sounds like you are well on your way to getting your happy ending. I am sure there will still be many ups and downs in this roller coaster we all live through but have faith sir... somehow... there is a happy ending for us all. I do not even accept hugs from my little sister or best friend, but I appreciate the thought immensely. Thank you for the words of support, I was half afraid of being verbally ravaged and jettisoned from the guild for saying anything. I am glad I found my way here (to this guild). ErinsChaos On another note and really not all that far from topic I was just wanting to say that I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I've tried to stop in just to check in every couple of days but the months have just pushed me to the brink and having the time to sit and vent really isn't there right now. Suffice it to say I am okay for the moment.. I will probably come back to fill you all in more at a later date.. but my kids need supervision as always.. so off I go... *hugs to all the strong survivors and friends* I might not have been here long, but I get the definite feeling that you are a good and supportive person that brings a lot to this place when you show up. We all get to be there for each other. When we are weak, we have a lot of people who can lend us some of theirs. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 10:00 pm
@Exxos - I'm so sorry for what you have been through. The reason I've not been on for a while is that right now we are dealing with the aftermath of my husband being raped at gunpoint by two men. I totally agree, it is very different for guys and I am shocked at the attitude of so-called professionals and those on rape crisis phone lines who completely change their attitude when they find out the victim is a man. Even our family doctor could not look at him when he went in for the STD/AIDS tests and internal exams to find out what damage had been done.
It was very brave of you to post on this thread, and I hope that you find help and healing as time goes by. Each day, one at a time.. that's about all we can do.
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Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:42 am
Exxos, i'm at a loss for words... your past is something i can only imagine happening in movies or bad dreams... if i could, i'd take away all that pain, especially when you were a child... these are the times when i wish i had super powers...
and Erin, i admire your courage, and the way you turned your previously unhappy life into something wonderful--by helping others. heart you are great! heart
have a blessed Christmas, guys! heart heart heart
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Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 3:56 pm
Exxos.....Its taken me two days to respond because that is how long it has taken me to unshaken myself for what you went through...I wish with all my heart i could take away that.... I can only hope that some sort of peace can come to you in time and i hope that you realize that you can always find it here with us.
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Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 11:28 am
Exxos I think of you as a friend, brother, and as part of my family. All the members of this guild seem like family too me. Everyone here is so wonderful. I've been in several guilds but I think I'm here to stay. I can't understand exactly what you went through but I am glad you are still here. I enjoy your posts because you are such an interesting, kind, and thoughtful person. I am glad everyone here is mature enough to understand that crap happens and that it is healthy and healing to talk about it. I want to hug you too but I understand how some people just don't do hugs so instead I just want you to know we are here for you.
Viridian Rose I am sorry for your husband as well. That crisis phone line is totally a waste of time when it comes to men I am sorry to say. I've had friends who've discovered that as well. Maybe someday things will change. Here is some love for everyone who has posted here. <^_^>
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:02 pm
i have been through quite a bit with abuse/sexual assault...the works...
the one place/thing that helped me when i really needed help was CAASA. i felt like they understood and listened.. rather than judging..
i still have a lot of emotional problems because of the things i went through, and probably always will to some extent... the only thing that helps when you have been through something so traumatic is time...well, for me anyways. and it just dulls things...
everyone out there that is or has gone through something deserves a big hug, just for surviving...
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:44 pm
yes, here's a hug for everyone...
*HUGGLES*
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:25 am
My ex boyfriend tried to call me last night. I didn't answer. For the first time I was able to not answer. It felt good.
I think anyone who experiences this type of thing will always remember it. The thing we have to do is let our experiences guide us in the future. Think of them not as fate hating us but as fate trying to teach us something. An example would be because of the way I was treated by my ex I can now more deeply appreciate the wonderful relationship I am in with my husband. He isn't perfect but I can even appreciate the flaws he has because of the flaws he doesn't have. Does that make any sense?
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:52 pm
that totally makes sense. my ex was an abusive jerk. it really makes me appreciate my husband that much more. the thing that really sucks is i have a daughter with my ex so i am gonna have to deal with him forever.
when my husband and i got married we went to minneapolis for our honeymoon, my ex called and harassed us and threatened us the whole time we were there. it was really annoying...
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Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:01 pm
Thanks everyone for the supportive words. I have even managed to do actual hugs, when I left Florida I managed to hug both my best friend and little sister. It was awkward and felt really weird, but I did it after over a decade with no consensual, physical contact.
Craftymama, you did good. The first time is almost always the hardest.
Viridian Rose, I am sorry to hear about your husband. When someone or something does something to someone one loves, one is most often deeply hurt by it too. I wish there was something I could say to you, to him, to anyone here who has suffered to bring them a kernel of peace... But I do not have such a thing. We are all unique and the strings of one's soul can be touched, hurt, or passed over by the subtlest of variations - so I do not think that there is a single thing that one could say to make things better.
Though, I think I can say one thing. Something a dear friend of mine use to say before he left this world.
"You don't have to carry your pain alone. That's why friends have shoulders - to carry some of the load for you."
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Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:08 pm
I feel a little silly for posting in this thread since it sounds like everyone else here has had to endure so much more than I ever have. Although I believe that the repercussions of verbal abuse can be just as life altering as physical attacks, I often feel guilty for even suggesting that I have suffered anywhere near as much as someone who has been accosted in such a way. Not only have I myself experienced verbally abusive relationships, but I have had to watch my mom be a part of them as well. I think that is one of the reasons why I have trouble connecting with people romantically at times. Anytime I encounter someone who actually compliments me or what have you, it is difficult for me to determine whether their interest is genuine. So, I have become inherently mistrustful of anyone who tries to get close to me out of the fear that they will eventually turn on me somehow.
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Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:31 pm
Verbal abuse itself is not exactly major. But from the way you speak of it, it is not just verbal abuse at all, it sounds like emotional and psychological abuse. It is not just name calling and put downs, but that slow, repetitive wearing down of someone to the point where their spirit starts to die back and you can literally feel your soul breaking - just within the bottom of your heart. That seemingly endless cycle of trying to figure out why they say those things, then beating yourself up over it in trying to "make amends."
It is just as serious as physical abuse, the scars are just inside - where they are often harder to heal and tend to linger far longer. Scars on the skin will eventually fade while a scar on your mind, heart, and/or soul can deepen and grow more severe. So they can be more damaging in their own right. Being called a "#@$boy" and since having my mother treat me as a perverted, soiled beast has caused me more damage than the act or the beatings since.
Well, we're fine. It is those awful people who abuse us who are messed up. We're not worthless, we're not horrible, we're not burdens, we'll always make something of ourselves, and so on - all they say are lies or perversions/spins to match their horrible, petty, little, myopic world. They may have any number of reasons to say what they do - more often it is control by keeping one down or lifting themselves up by pushing others down, but it does not change the fact that they are the sick, evil ones.
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