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"I know I worry Asher, it's the second time something has happened to me and he's been powerless to do anything for me. That bugs him...what if he gets fed up and leaves me?" Jay asked in a whisper, he'd refrained from saying anything on his feelings since returning from the sanctuary. He'd been little more than an emotionless husk, he had hidden behind smiles.

Tears bit at Jay's eyes, but he forced them away. Settling to just snuggle close to Raven for comfort, he closed his eyes and relaxed. Asher must have really loved Julianna to do so much for her, what if Koe felt the same way towards Jay? or even Reuben? he had been flicking others off to enjoy his own little world with Raven and Asher.

"I get it...it is an instinct right? to protect us? like what Koe was like when I was little..." Jay answered softly, he had tried to bury those memories to save Asher and Raven any hurt. Because he knew, deep down he still adored Koe.

"I feel worse, I can only help Asher by letting him feed from me. I'd never be able to protect him or you for that matter.....that's why....I..."

'kept you away from my past and the sanctuary, shielding you from my problems' Jay thought, he couldn't finish his sentence and he didn't know why. He snuggled closer to Raven, his hand gently clasping hers.

'is this what it's like to grow selfish when you find the one you love loves another aswell?' Jay thought, his face holding an unreadable expression as he let Raven's words sink in. It was a selfish feeling, to want the one you love , love only you.

And it hurt him to find out Asher's love as divided, Jay was trying to conquer his, so far,he had with Reuben. And with Koe, he slowly recognised that he was growing out of love for his demonic guardian.

"I get it...Raven i'm gonna go home and freshen up, i'll bring you some clothes and things okay?" Jay said, sitting up, placing his mask-smile on his face. He felt like a Noh Mask, smiling to hid something. And he was, he was hiding his tears, and his pain and everything he had kept bottled up over the past few weeks.

He slipped out of bed and shrugged his winter coat on, the beige one with faux fur trim and started to put his shoes back on. Gathering his school bag he kissed Raven on the cheek and left, hailing a taxi when he reached the street.

Jay arrived home and showering,changing aand gathering clothes and other things for Raven he left. taking his bike over to Neo's. Neo wasn't surprised to see his best friend standing at his door, but he was surprised at home quiet he had grown.

Neo left Jay alone as the blonde wandered into the room Asher was asleep in, he seated himself at the end of the bed, watching his immobile lover quietly. The room was dim, as the lights and thick curtains were drawn but Jay felt he could see clearly.

'it's not nice....being this selfish' he thought silently, his gaze wavering as tears pricked painfully at his vision.

Jay was staring at a spot past Asher's head, havign lost himself totally in thought. When Asher spoke, after hours of silence he jumped and stared with wide eyes at Asher. Before plastering a fake-smile on his face.

His mind was battling with itself and his heart stung.

"hey you're up.." he said, a tad croakily as he had not used his voice in hours. He stayed where he was at the edge of the bed, not wanting to move closer to Asher just yet, letting the vampire wake himself properly.

Jay got up off the floor and seated himself on Asher's lap, cuddling close to the vampire. He'd missed being near Asher, even if his heart still did ache with every thought he had of Raven's words. He stayed silent for a moment, his wounds had completely healed, he only had a small scar on the back of his neck from when his uncle nicked him when his hair was chopped off.

"they're fine, Raven's getting used to feeding the babies and they've been asleep most of the day" he said after a while, he didn't look at Asher, but rather down at the bedsheets. His arms wrapped loosely around the vampires neck.

"I love you Asher" Jay whispered softly, his eyes brimming with tears that he hurriedly blinked back.

Jay jumped out of Asher's hold when his head was touched by the vampire, okay maybe he did still panic when people touched his head, and was just too tired yesterday too care. He was sat against the bedhead, a startled look on his face as he breathed heavily, he reached his hands up to tangle in his shortened hair. He stayed this way for a few minutes before he calmed down, resuming his thoughts on their previous conversation.

"but....we love others aswell don't we?" Jay said abruptly, saying it softly and carefully so he wouldn't trend on the ground of this conversation too harshly. Asher had been in lvoe with a woman, and someone else, they must have held more appeal than himself.

He thought he was average and simple, he wasn't handsome, he had childish features still. He was growing out of them but he still hated how young he looked, people were visably surprised when they learn he is 20 not 14 or 15 like they thought.

"i'm trying to stop, i'm trying to stop loving other people....but it's hard....and it hurts" he whispered, his voice thick with oncoming tears.