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 Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:38 am
Eltanin Sadachbia I think my lack of personal motivation was one of my triggers for becoming so wrapped up with my husband... For me, I had always had people pushing me to what they thought was best for me... and I kinda got used to doing things to make others happy, and letting others' wishes become my motivating factors... I went after my Pilot's license for my father, not to mention becoming a pretty tough a** girl... learned how to work on trucks and airplanes even though I didn't have the slightest interest in them... I dressed how my mom wanted me to dress, so she wouldn't feel like I was unappreciative, even though the girls at school made my life miserable because of it... I stayed away from horses (and my dreams of owning them) because I didn't want my dad afraid for me (He had a ranch once, and watched the 9 yr old son of a friend get pulverized by a rouge stallion)... I played bouncer, body guard, and patsy for the few 'friends' I kept through school, because I knew I could take a hit where many others couldn't... I could go on... I finally rebelled against that for awhile before I met my husband, and when I did meet him, I was so happy just being with him, that it became my all-consuming desire to make him as happy as I felt... But I fell into the pattern of doing everything he wanted... or at least what I thought he wanted... but he wanted me to be me, not who I thought he wanted me to be.... and there really isn't much of a difference between the two, but there is enough of one that he noticed I wasn't being who I was meant to be. It was hard for me to separate myself, my wants, and my needs to the point of them being only mine again... I wasn't sure I was going to be able to function... And to be perfectly honest, there are days where I think it would be easy to fall back into that pattern, because I am not sure if being motivated for my own sake is worth the effort... but I feel better at the end of the day when I get up and get things done for myself. I feel like I am living again... I really didn't feel as alive when I was an automaton of other people's wishes... ..And I know now, that if something happens that I am alone again, I could keep going and find my own happiness again... and that I can make a life for myself that is worth living. I have found the freedom that I so willingly yet needlessly gave up for my marriage, and I can want things for myself, and go after them. My husband has the girl he fell in love with back, and he enjoys the opportunity to truly support me... We are partners again... It's not just him with me trying to prop him up... we get to support each other because we can, not because either of us is capable of getting anywhere without the other... and it's fun... and he enjoys knowing that he is capable of doing as much for me as I can for him... I have wants again, and he enjoys being able to fulfill them. You see, I tried to make myself conform to his needs, because I thought that was what would serve him best.In the end, I just became dependent on being needed. I would feel hurt when he didn't need me, and I was unmotivated to do anything for myself because I wanted to be completely available to him before he even had the opportunity to ask anything of me... I ended up needing him more than he needed me, and I became clingy, and actually pretty jealous... and not the normal jealousy, where he looked at another girl and I smacked his shoulder either... the kind that made me feel like I was being abandoned when he left for work, or made me feel nearly physical discomfort when he wanted to go somewhere without me, or where I had to be a part of everything he did because I needed to know I was helping... I was jealous of his time, and attention, because I felt that if I was willing to give all of mine to him, he should do the same... a very unhealthy mindset, that turned a beautiful loving relationship into something very selfish on my part... ...and I haven't ever really talked about this part of our marriage with anyone before... sweatdrop ... I was pretty unhealthy. Anyways... there isn't a person on Earth who is capable of that; of giving 100% of their attention to another... Even though I was trying, there were the necessary times that he would be off to work, or that I would have to take care of kids... but I was still expecting more of him than he could give... And he knew I was unhappy... and he knew that my unhappiness was completely wrapped up in him, even though I didn't... I thought that he was my happiness, but my obsession with him was what was making me miserable... ...and I am not saying this is all going on with you... but I think it is very important you find a reason to motivate yourself to find who you are, because I know where forgetting yourself completely leads to... I care about you, and if you ever want to talk, you can PM me. I know you can get back to your dreams... You might find that those dreams are not quite the same dreams you had when you were younger... but there is a satisfaction in finding the path your own heart desires, when you finally realize you have your own wants again... You will go for days, or even months feeling no direction, but one day, you will see something,or hear, or smell it and it will click... and from there you will remember the things you once wanted for yourself. You will temper those old desires and dreams with the experiences that you have had since you forgot your original wants, and you will find something new and wonderful ready and waiting for you to go after... Just hang in there.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:49 pm
Eltanin Sadachbia Eltanin Sadachbia I think my lack of personal motivation was one of my triggers for becoming so wrapped up with my husband... For me, I had always had people pushing me to what they thought was best for me... and I kinda got used to doing things to make others happy, and letting others' wishes become my motivating factors... I went after my Pilot's license for my father, not to mention becoming a pretty tough a** girl... learned how to work on trucks and airplanes even though I didn't have the slightest interest in them... I dressed how my mom wanted me to dress, so she wouldn't feel like I was unappreciative, even though the girls at school made my life miserable because of it... I stayed away from horses (and my dreams of owning them) because I didn't want my dad afraid for me (He had a ranch once, and watched the 9 yr old son of a friend get pulverized by a rouge stallion)... I played bouncer, body guard, and patsy for the few 'friends' I kept through school, because I knew I could take a hit where many others couldn't... I could go on... I finally rebelled against that for awhile before I met my husband, and when I did meet him, I was so happy just being with him, that it became my all-consuming desire to make him as happy as I felt... But I fell into the pattern of doing everything he wanted... or at least what I thought he wanted... but he wanted me to be me, not who I thought he wanted me to be.... and there really isn't much of a difference between the two, but there is enough of one that he noticed I wasn't being who I was meant to be. It was hard for me to separate myself, my wants, and my needs to the point of them being only mine again... I wasn't sure I was going to be able to function... And to be perfectly honest, there are days where I think it would be easy to fall back into that pattern, because I am not sure if being motivated for my own sake is worth the effort... but I feel better at the end of the day when I get up and get things done for myself. I feel like I am living again... I really didn't feel as alive when I was an automaton of other people's wishes... ..And I know now, that if something happens that I am alone again, I could keep going and find my own happiness again... and that I can make a life for myself that is worth living. I have found the freedom that I so willingly yet needlessly gave up for my marriage, and I can want things for myself, and go after them. My husband has the girl he fell in love with back, and he enjoys the opportunity to truly support me... We are partners again... It's not just him with me trying to prop him up... we get to support each other because we can, not because either of us is capable of getting anywhere without the other... and it's fun... and he enjoys knowing that he is capable of doing as much for me as I can for him... I have wants again, and he enjoys being able to fulfill them. You see, I tried to make myself conform to his needs, because I thought that was what would serve him best.In the end, I just became dependent on being needed. I would feel hurt when he didn't need me, and I was unmotivated to do anything for myself because I wanted to be completely available to him before he even had the opportunity to ask anything of me... I ended up needing him more than he needed me, and I became clingy, and actually pretty jealous... and not the normal jealousy, where he looked at another girl and I smacked his shoulder either... the kind that made me feel like I was being abandoned when he left for work, or made me feel nearly physical discomfort when he wanted to go somewhere without me, or where I had to be a part of everything he did because I needed to know I was helping... I was jealous of his time, and attention, because I felt that if I was willing to give all of mine to him, he should do the same... a very unhealthy mindset, that turned a beautiful loving relationship into something very selfish on my part... ...and I haven't ever really talked about this part of our marriage with anyone before... sweatdrop ... I was pretty unhealthy. Anyways... there isn't a person on Earth who is capable of that; of giving 100% of their attention to another... Even though I was trying, there were the necessary times that he would be off to work, or that I would have to take care of kids... but I was still expecting more of him than he could give... And he knew I was unhappy... and he knew that my unhappiness was completely wrapped up in him, even though I didn't... I thought that he was my happiness, but my obsession with him was what was making me miserable... ...and I am not saying this is all going on with you... but I think it is very important you find a reason to motivate yourself to find who you are, because I know where forgetting yourself completely leads to... I care about you, and if you ever want to talk, you can PM me. I know you can get back to your dreams... You might find that those dreams are not quite the same dreams you had when you were younger... but there is a satisfaction in finding the path your own heart desires, when you finally realize you have your own wants again... You will go for days, or even months feeling no direction, but one day, you will see something,or hear, or smell it and it will click... and from there you will remember the things you once wanted for yourself. You will temper those old desires and dreams with the experiences that you have had since you forgot your original wants, and you will find something new and wonderful ready and waiting for you to go after... Just hang in there. Most of what you're saying is true about what has transpired although the situations are different in my case. I usually don't share much about myself as you said you usually don't but... because you did I think I will share the truth. For me as a child... I never knew what I wanted to be. I had and still have a supportive mom who wants me to succeed at my dreams but I just can't find anything that I can't live without doing. Anyways... in the last two years I went to college for a Music degree because I thought I wanted to be a music therapist. I met my sisters old roommate and fell for her. I'll skip the complicated stuff and just say we got married about 5 months later. Of course I assumed that she was an adult who understood that love took effort. In the last year and a half it's been mostly me who put the effort into our relationship. I've been the one fighting to make things work and consequently I've been living my life around her. She feels like I'm her "highway to hell" and she's my "saving grace" as she expressed a few days ago to my mom. During our marriage I came to the conclusion that I was transgendered. She tried to support me but in the end couldn't handle it. we went through a breakup and I put my dream down to try to repair the relationship. Six weeks ago she got back together with me and promised to give us a shot. Two days ago she said she just wasn't happy being with me and that she had planned to tell me at the end of the semester but I caught the vibe and asked until I got an answer. Throughout all of this time, i've been exhausting myself in attempts to please her. I'm not sure that I've caused this to happen but it is possible and definitely something for me to work on. The problem I face now is that I never really had a firm direction before I met her. I was just going along with something because for my life I either have to be in college or have a job. Even though I'm now currently pursuing a degree in radiology I just feel like I don't have direction. When I was hell bent on being a woman I had direction and a reason to get a job and a life... but I gave that up for her which could mean that I wasn't serious enough about it. so now I'm back to square one. Alone and purposeless. but like you said... this needs to be a way for me to find me... whoever that is.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:50 pm
Having no direction pretty much explains me allot of times... Before I met Dave, and then for awhile not so long ago... I dreamed of being a professional educated vagabond volunteer. At first, I figured that I couldn't do it, I don't know why... But one day it snapped in my head I could, and then I was well on my way to doing so... I planned on finding the right degree to go after and volunteer around the world the rest of my life, living on what my sponsors could provide... I was planning on the Peace Corp, and several other less known programs that take you and your education and they room and board you where they need you... My other more unrealistic dream was to make something of my art.... I was brought up knowing that art didn't get you anywhere, unless you knew the right people, which I didn't... so I never really entertained it... This was all before everyone had easy access to internet, so anything I did required paperwork and a myriad of hoops... Plus, like I said, I was working 18 hours 5 days a week, and studying and training for my pilot license the other 2 days of the week... doing all the things I needed to do to make everyone happy enough with me that they would let me go. Anyway, I started to finally realize where I was headed, and I had gathered my paperwork and talk to a few counselors from the Peace corp, and started looking into the colleges that offered courses that would guarantee me a life of a globe-trotter, based on the recommends of the Peace Corp rep... In the meantime, I started dumping my prior activities at my dad's airplane shop, and I left a truck that he and my brothers convinced me I needed to rebuild in pieces... I joined a band that was in desperate need (according to them) of a female vocalist, and I filled in for a couple of other bands that were familiar with our group... and I tried to break it easily to mom and dad that I was ready to try to figure out my own way... it didn't go well... but I was 17, and out of school, so they couldn't do much to me but make me pay them room and board... Yet at that point, all the things I had ever wanted to try but didn't came flooding to me in opportunities I couldn't pass up, and I have a way of making opportunities for myself as well... So I spread pretty thin, and lost all focus whatsoever... forgot about the Peace Corp with the excuse that it would still be there whenever I was ready, and I traveled the Eastern half of the country for awhile... I did a bit of volunteering in Mexico, and some inner city stuff... but I was too busy gigging with the band to get serious about anything... I finally woke up one day... my running had caught up to me, and I had fell asleep in my driveway as I pulled in... I slept almost 18 hours slumped in my seat... and I had to ask myself if I was really having fun anymore... I didn't do things that was illegal, in fact, I was known as a goody goody, but all the same, I had gotten out of control.... So, I started to find my own focus... It was really hard for me to learn to be decisive... I think that really was what my problem boiled down to... I couldn't make a decision and stick with it... even now, I still have that issue... I finally got myself reeled in, and set myself down a straight path, and was really happy, and I met Dave... We married in 3 months... It was after I had kids and had to stop working due to financial circumstances (yeah, confusing, go figure)... We couldn't afford another vehicle, or daycare, and we couldn't get financial assistance from anywhere, so I became a stay-at-home mom.... That's where I went spiraling back into the abyss of old habits... Anyway, it didn't start right away... I fought the stay-at-home thing as best as I could... I got a night job as a cook in a local bar... but the owner didn't give weekly checks, as she was in the hole very often... so after trying to trust her for so long, I went back to the house-wife thing... then I went to night classes and worked to get my Real-Estate license, but after making it through the whole process and getting affiliated with a good broker, I found I was too honest and sometimes too opinionated to do a good job... I have spent allot of time making business plans for businesses I will not be able to finance in this area ever, and the one that might have had a hope slipped through my grasp the very day I learned I could get financial backing, as a permit was filed by in the town that day for that kind of business... I have a shelf by my bed full of ideas for my life, and many of them will never see the light of day.... but I am Okay with that now, because I know that as long as I am working to stay true to me, I will keep moving forward, and eventually, I'll end up knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I have learned how to take one step at a time, and not worry about next year and where I am going to be then, that it is enough to know where i am going to be tomorrow when I wake up... Getting my life back into focus, art is the dream that is my forefront now, and I look forward to being a part-time volunteer when my kids are old enough to do without me... I always liked sports and fitness, so I have made that a part of my regular routine... I do little insignificant things I enjoy everyday, like Gaia and some gaming... and I make sure I ask myself everyday, what I want and need to do for myself... an exercise in focus, and practice in recognizing my priorities. Just try to focus on tomorrow Foxy...What do you want to do for yourself tomorrow? If you are always trying to see far ahead of you, you don't see the stumbling block that is right in front of your toe... Keep an eye on your immediate path, and you will end up where you are supposed to be allot sooner than you would if you are only concerned with what is just beyond your vision...
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Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:39 am
I know that I should live for tomorrow but I also think I should have a goal in life. I need a dream so that I can have a direction. I might end up trying to live as a woman because it made me so happy... idk. thanks for all the advice.
I had a serious talk with my wife and I feel a little better; though, I'm still devastated. Both of us still love the other and that just makes things tougher. For now I will finish school and try to be able to support myself. Hopefully I'll be busy and won't have time to think about my loneliness.
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:52 pm
hola, everyone. first of all I'ms orry for being away so long. I promise to be more active again starting this weekend. I'll backread later. for now I'm pretty exhausted and busy with something... personal.
anywho, I hope everyone is doing alright. best of wishes, and happy upcoming Halloween.
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Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:59 pm
Foxifyre I know that I should live for tomorrow but I also think I should have a goal in life. I need a dream so that I can have a direction. I might end up trying to live as a woman because it made me so happy... idk. thanks for all the advice. I had a serious talk with my wife and I feel a little better; though, I'm still devastated. Both of us still love the other and that just makes things tougher. For now I will finish school and try to be able to support myself. Hopefully I'll be busy and won't have time to think about my loneliness. :hugs you tightly.: Foxy, I'm gonna call you tonight. I just read all but the last two or three walls-o-text, and I'm pretty worried.
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:12 pm
Sorry for the walls... I'm the worlds worst... sweatdrop
And once you find your footing, and get a direction, then you can start looking farther ahead... Goals are important, yes, but it is also important to get a direction first... otherwise you just walk in circles and find yourself at the same place over and over again...
heart
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Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:47 pm
Chieftain Twilight Foxifyre I know that I should live for tomorrow but I also think I should have a goal in life. I need a dream so that I can have a direction. I might end up trying to live as a woman because it made me so happy... idk. thanks for all the advice. I had a serious talk with my wife and I feel a little better; though, I'm still devastated. Both of us still love the other and that just makes things tougher. For now I will finish school and try to be able to support myself. Hopefully I'll be busy and won't have time to think about my loneliness. :hugs you tightly.: Foxy, I'm gonna call you tonight. I just read all but the last two or three walls-o-text, and I'm pretty worried. I'll be in class from 5:30 to 9 pm pacific time and then driving home for about 45 mins after that so either call before or after k? If I don't answer it's cuz I'm in class and not because I'm dead.
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:00 am
So... I was terribly nauseous this morning... have no idea why. Maybe dehydration. Wife is moving out this saturday. Sorry that I kinda killed the thread.
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:17 pm
The funny thing about this thread is that it is never truly dead... it just likes to sleep for awhile... I don't know how many serious conversations have been had here... but it is too many to go back through and count... I am sorry to here that things are moving so fast for you. ... and the nauseous thing would be more likely to do with stress... but it is easy to forget to take care of yourself in these situations... please try to be mindful of your health right now... I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if that is any consolation... and you keep us updated on how you are doing. OK? heart
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:44 pm
if it helps any for you to hear this, I've found that staying and feeling clean helps to make it easier to handle depression. when your stuck in a rut and your health and hygiene go down, it's easy to stop bothering. and when that happens it becomes a vicious downward spiral.
but it just takes that little extra effort to say "I'm gonna take this step." and it stops the momentum. and that makes it that much easier to take the next step after that.
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Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:49 pm
Eltanin Sadachbia The funny thing about this thread is that it is never truly dead... it just likes to sleep for awhile... I don't know how many serious conversations have been had here... but it is too many to go back through and count... I am sorry to here that things are moving so fast for you. ... and the nauseous thing would be more likely to do with stress... but it is easy to forget to take care of yourself in these situations... please try to be mindful of your health right now... I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if that is any consolation... and you keep us updated on how you are doing. OK? heart K I'll try to keep you guys updated for a while.
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:44 am
Elta's all purpley. o.o
I need to change my avatar. xp I've had it like this for too long consecutively.
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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:39 pm
So... as per your request here is an update. Wife moved out today while I was out of the house. I'm depressed an lonely and having suicidal thoughts but no plans. My mom is gonna move me in with her for a few weeks to keep an eye on me.
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Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:22 pm
Foxifyre So... as per your request here is an update. Wife moved out today while I was out of the house. I'm depressed an lonely and having suicidal thoughts but no plans. My mom is gonna move me in with her for a few weeks to keep an eye on me. That's good to know. I still suggest seeking professional help, considering the fact that you're still experiencing serious suicidal ideation. At least your mom's there for you in the meantime. 3nodding --------------------------------------- On a semi-related note (as in this is depression-related, not about relationships or Foxifyre's situation) I can't wait to start my bupropion (wellbutrin). I had to quit taking the Strattera because it made my depression worse. Wellbutrin is a good supplement to SSRIs like citolapram (which I'm currently on) and it helps treat ADD as well. It needs to get here soon (I have to mail order 90 day prescriptions with my insurance) because I can feel another major depressive episode on the horizon.  Asperger's+Chronic Depression+ADD=One very interesting person. xp
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