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Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:03 pm
"Just wonderin...i think ive eveyone that question hehe." Memo said as he walked towards his room "Thanks for everything Jack..ima bit tired so i think im gonna rest up for tomorrow...G'night" Memo said as he continued towards his room while he fixed his hair
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Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 8:22 pm
MISSION- Poached Lightning
The Legendary Brilliance Gang has been spotted in Viridian Forest, capturing large numbers of Pikachu. Find their hideout in the area and rescue the Pokémon. (Fight 2-4 LBG peons with 1-3 Pokémon each).
Pokémon: Caterpie Weedle Pidgey Pikachu
Rewards: 800-1200
Jack was bored so he leafed through the mission folder he had. “Oh!” He exclaimed as he came across a mission titled ‘Poached Lightning’. He read the description and grinned. “Awesome can’t wait to do this.” He stood up and put on his blue jacket. He walked to the teleporter and well…teleported outside. He smelt the fresh sea air and hopped on his bike. He slipped his backpack on his back and stashed his Pokéballs in it. “All right to Viridian Forest we go!” Jack shouted. He started down the road, pedaling as fast as he could. He switched to the fastest setting and blasted down the route.
About an hour later he arrived at Viridian forest and heard the cries of the captured Pikachus. Jack’s heart sank as he heard the cries. “Don’t worry little guys I’ll get cha out.” He muttered. He rode into the forest and looked around. While he was looking for the base he slammed into something. “Ow…I think I found it.” He groaned. He hopped off his bike and hid it in the bushes. He took his watch out of his bag and turned it on. He blended in to the background and started to climb up the side. Jack spotted a small air vent. Well it was big enough for him to fit through anyways (That’s what she said). He slipped off the cover and crawled in. Jack crawled slowly through the vent and heard more cries. “Hm…” he muttered. He found a vent that was right above a hallway. He pulled the vent off and looked around quickly. “Wait what am I doing I’m invisible.” He said to himself with a slight chuckle. Jack slipped out of the vent and landed on the floor with a dull thump.
Jack heard more cries from the Pikachu’s and he hurried down the hallway. He skidded around a corner only to slam into a peon and have his watch fall off and slide WAY across the room. “Damn it.” He cursed. The peon turned around and glared at him, nostrils flared. “Eh…hehe.” Jack chuckled. “BLAZE GO!” He shouted, jumping backwards and throwing out the Pokéball containing Blaze, his Ponyta. The horse Pokémon threw her head back and neighed. “Go Voltorb!” the Peon shouted, throwing out his Pokéball. “Heh, Blaze use Ember!” Jack shouted. Blaze threw fire out of her tail and watched it fly to Voltorb. “Voltorb, use Self Destruct!” The Peon shouted. “BLAZE GET OUT OF THERE!” Jack shouted, both of them running down the hall. “Voooolll.” The Voltorb started. “:O VOLTORB WAIT!” The peon shouted. But it was too late. “TOOOORB!” The Voltorb shouted. It blew up in the Peon’s face. It fainted and so did the peon. “Wow…how unlucky for him.” Jack chuckled. Blaze threw her head up with a mocking look.
Jack grabbed his watch and saw that it was somewhat destroyed. He would have to remember to get it repaired. He ran down the hall, hopped over the Peon, and ran up to a door. He heard the cries of Pikachus coming from within. “Don’t worry, Jack is here.” He whispered, right before he reached for the doorknob. Right when Jack was about to open the door, it opened, quickly. It hit Jack in the face. “Oh come on. You stupid Peon’s have no manners.” He muttered, rubbing his now red nose. “Hey…what are you…doing here?” A peon asked. “Well you aren’t very smart are you?” Jack asked in a teasing voice. “RAH! DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME!” The peon shouted. “Go, Shinx.” The peon stated. “Let’s go Rio!” he yelled. Rio appeared in a flash of red light. “RI!” He shouted. “Rio use Mega-Punch.” “Shinx Dodge!” Shinx jumped into the air as Rio flashed past underneath him. “Shinx use Bite.” Shinx dropped down and ran after Riolu. “Riolu Force Palm!” Jack shouted. Rio turned around and charged at Shinx. They met and a giant yellow flash filled up the room. Jack had barely covered his eyes in time to not get blinded. The Peon was not as smart. He looked up and saw Shinx fainted on the floor. “Noooo. Shinxy!” The peon cried. He dropped to his knees and cried. “Wow…” Jack muttered. “Rio return.” He sighed. Jack stepped around the Peon and looked at the cage full of Pikachus. “Hmm. Oh I got an idea.” Jack opened the cage and they ran out. “BE FREE-E-HE!” Jack shouted. He watched the Pikachus run down the hallway as fast as they could.
Right as Jack turned to leave he heard a peep. “Oh poor little Pidgey…” He muttered. “You want to come with me?” He asked. The Pidgey jumped up and down and Jack opened the cage. It hopped on his shoulder. “Hold on little guy.” He said with a laugh. He sat it down. “Pokéball go!” He said, a little loud. The Pokéball ‘ate’ the Pidgey and bounced. Once, twice. It thank shook. One…two…three…boop! “I got a Pidgey!” He said with a smile. Jack walked out of the HQ, surprisingly encountering no resistance. Guess they had their hands full with the escaped Pikachus. Jack found his bike and rode back to the land closest to the island. He dove into the water and swam the rest of the way, his bike folded up in his backpack. He arrived at the island dripping wet and he stepped on the teleporter. He went to his room, changed into fresh clothes, and wrote his report on the mission. He ended it with, “I also got a little Pidgey on my mission. BONUS!” He laughed at the end and turned it in.
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Conservative Exhibitionist
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:43 pm
Cody popped into HQ, realizing he had a mission to grade. This would be number three!" he cheered. "By the way, is this your first mission?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:50 pm
Jack nodded a bit embarrassed. "Yes it is. I hope it's good enough."
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Conservative Exhibitionist
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:53 pm
"Oh, cool. Though I would reccomend a level one next time just so you have more experience with missions before you move on. You did just fine though!" Cody smiled and posted the grade.
PASS
Being a level 2, it would be nice if it was longer. At least 2-3 pages is what we usually look for.
Ok, first I would like to point out that even though you made an attempt, it was a poorly executed “That’s what she said” joke. I’m sorry. Good attempt though. Also realize that Aquos is an island in the middle of the ocean. Riding your bike to Viridian City in about an hour would be nearly impossible. I’m not gonna count those things against you though.
What I am gonna deduct for is the way your sentences flow. First, you seem to cut your sentences off to early and replace a conjunction with a period. You could easily connect many of your sentences with a comma and a word like and or but. Small deductions. Nothing major. Just realize that later on, your sentence structure will be fairly important as you advance through the ranks. Also, your first battle could’ve been better. I don’t think a Voltorb would use Self-Destruct that fast. Stay and battle a while. That’s what graders like to see. When we say 2-4 peons with 1-3 pokemon each, doesn’t mean take the easy route.
Good things: You capitalized everything that needed to be capitalized including moves and names. Glad I don’t have to remind you too. It gets old reminding everyone over and over again
Edit: I forgot to mention your storyline was great even though the length wasn't there. You had the basics down. Now, just take what I taught you and put it to good use as you do your next mission.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:07 pm
Jack smiled and nodded. "Thank you sir. I'll take your advice to heart."
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Conservative Exhibitionist
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:08 pm
Cody smiled warmly and replied, "Anytime bud. What was your name again?" Blushing he continued, "Sorry, I'm absolutely HORRIBLE with names."
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:10 pm
"I'm Jack. And It's okay I under Cody." He smiled. He looked up. "Sir, would you like to battle? I want to test out all my Pokemon." Jack said, holding Blaze's ball.
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Conservative Exhibitionist
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:20 pm
"Sure, in about ten to twenty minutes. Also, it will have to be an unofficial battle, meaning your pokemon will not recieve evo points."
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:26 pm
Jack smiled. "That's fine with me." He smiled. "I'm sure I'll be done with my second mission by then. If not message me."
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:34 pm
Sammy walked in, emiting a squeked yawn. "Hi, everyone!" She called out into the air, plopping down on the floor. She loved sitting on the floor, for some reason.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:37 pm
"Hi Sammy!" Jack exclaimed, sitting on the couch.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:42 pm
"Heya, Jack!" Sammy called, jumping over the back of the couch so she was sitting beside him. "What's up?" She asked, sitting indian-style.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:45 pm
"Nothing much, just finishing this mission report." He told her, pointing to the paper in his hand.
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:49 pm
Sammy grinned, nodding her head. "Congrats on your first mission, by the way~" Sammy chimed.
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