The Potato: 9-13-06 The Final Issue?

[Lar Gand]

The Potato

I've seen a wind torn sky
And I've felt the river cry
And I've seen the old ones have their say.
I've known the Constitiution
And I've seen a revolution
And I've seen the birds all fly away.
I've climbed in the back and I've hung from the rack and I've died more than once on the way.
And I've sat there in awe and seen myself fall and I've felt the full light of the day.


Lar Gand, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer

Phyla-Vell and Moondragon Assaulted on Titan
The Annihilation Wave's activites have been isolated to the Andromeda Galaxy and the Greater Magellanic Cloud, or at least they were until last Thursday. As Phyla-Vell and Heather Douglas, aka Moondragon, were visiting the graves of the Vell family, Thanos, ally of Annihilus appeared and b***h-slapped the lesbian couple. Moondragon attempted to fight back, but was put down by Thanos' servant Skreet. Moondragon struggled against the Mad Titan, only to have her ear ripped off and given to Vell, who was told to find Drax the Destroyer and tell him of the abduction of his daughter Heather. Vell went to her relatives, the Eternals of Titan, and rested before leaving the galaxy in search of Drax. Before she left, The Deadpool showed up to taunt her, chanting "You a b***h, b***h b***h b***h, loser b***h, b***h b***h b***h".

Freedom Ring Murdered
Chris Doyle, the hero known as Freedom Ring, was killed in action after having a run-in with an alternate-universe Tony Stark, known here as Iron Maniac. Chris had just recovered from a shooting ony months before, using his reality-altering ring to restore himself. Teaming up with Skrull turncoat the Crusader, Doyle and the Crusader engaged Iron Maniac after weeks of training together. Doyle revealed during the battle that his powers came from his ring, and Iron Maniac cut his ring finger off and slaughtered the young gay man.

Considering what fates have befallen other gay and lesbian heroes in the last few years, Runaways member Karolina may need to look out for super-heavy pianos and anvils falling from the sky from now on.

Spider Jerusalem Kidnapped
Columnist and gonzo journalist Spider Jerusalem has found himself in another sticky situation. Given up by his filthy assistants and his editor, Jerusalem was taken hostage by the might-be-lesbians-but-won't-say-so-they-don't-offend-conservatives-looking-for-an-excuse-to-hate-comics-again duo of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. The ransom demands were for all super-powered primates. Since the demands cover about 70% of Kapow!, Jerusalem is still a prisoner.

Black Adam Marries
Teth Adam, ruler of the nation of Kahndaq, has married Isis, the goddess in a ceremony presided over by Captain Marvel and attended by Captain Marvel Jr. and Mary Marvel. The wedding was almost ruined by a suidie bomber from the Marvel Zombies, a cult dedicated to killing anyone who's a friend of Superman. The bomber was killed before she was able to set off the bomb she had in her backpack by Renee Montoya, globetrotting alcoholic. Aided by the Question, paranoid city shaman, Adam and Isis were grateful. Montoya celebrated by going on a bender and hunting down the only lesbian in the country for "puff-puffs".

Ion's Reputation Tarnished?
Kyle Rayner has bben hunted by several planets for atrocities he claims to have not commited. Rayner hasn't been able to clear his name...until recently. Hal Jordan confronted Rayner in space and beat him, only to discover it wasn't Rayner at all, but Virgil, his evil twin brother. Virgil then drew his katana and Rayner showed up just in time to fight! Rayner drew his sword and his twin handcannons and the two sons of Sparda battled each other with Awesome and Sweet moves. Rayner emerged victorious, and Virgil fell through space, disappering into the void.

Mon-El Returns
Daxamite explorer Lar Gand can no longer ignore the longing inside him. Our publisher is returning his love, outer space. It has been a pleasure working with him and we wish him the best in his adventures.