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 Posted: Fri Dec 01, 2006 2:59 am
It was broken.
That thought came unbidden to the zombie's mind, unbidden and rather belatedly and completely pointlessly because really, what could he do at this point in time just standing here frozenburnedbroken why was Zanis doing this to him why did he do this why was he crying why was he angry why..??
Butter's pale eyes slid downwards, somehowsomewaywhy drawn --can'tlookaway-- to the brightbrightbright pearly white sheen of the bone again, dark pinprick pupils barely waveringflickering as they followed the trail of blood down the curve of his arm around into onto Zanis' handfingers grippingclutching onto his arm, and it burned blisteringhotuncomfortable on his skin and the bone was showing and-- and it was broken he was broken Zanis had broken him it was broken...!
And when he looked into those yellowgolden eyes again they were happy, they were happybrightshininghappy and.. and somehow all of a sudden it didn’t seem so burning anymore, didn't burn so much didn't hurt so much because somehow breaking Butter breakingshattering Butter's handarmwrist made Zanis happy and if Zanis was happy, then Butter was happy.
..Somehow.
Because Zanis was perfect and he had been anyryannoyedenraged at Butter because.. because Butter had lied --how could he lie he couldn’t lie what did he lie about he didn't know whatwhyhowwhat-- and.. and Butter didn't didn't want Zanis mad he wanted Zanis perfectperfectnotburningnothurtingnotmad at Butter and.. and somehow, breakingshattering Butter made Zanis happy.
"....." Butter couldn’t answer that, couldn't answer any of the thingswords Zanis said couldn't counter any of the things Zanis said and he should because not answering was just.. wrong.. and.. and Butter didn't want to be even more wrong than he already was he didn't want to make Zanis even more angry than he already washadbeen at him Butter didn't want that he wanted Zanis happy.
The dark-haired zombie merely tilted his head uptooneside slightly, the palepaledeadcold neckskin exposed so pale so cold sosososo so very wrong just wrong and Zanis' touches felt like kissesbutterfliessnowflakes onover his skin and they seemed to meltseep into his skin into his very core of being and it hurt slightlymaybesuddenly to have someone tracingretouching the burn marks, the warmburning fingertips trailing a tinglinghot path downaround the swelling swollen raw redpink flesh, and it hurt but it was okay because Zanis was happy and that's all that mattered Zanis being happyhappyhappywarmyellowgoldenbright and not not darkangrymadcloudhurting and.. and Zanis being happy was sosososo very much more important than the hurtburning pain inside Butter the woozydizzyweirdstrange pain inside at the hotheatangrydark stare and so Zanis needed to be kept happy..!
"--No," the zombie whispered, pale eyes meeting gold and catching the nextanother darkhotangry gleamflicker of those beautifulbeautifulperfect eyes and Butter couldn't have Zanis mad couldn't couldn't couldn't..! His fingers shiverfluttered softly, drew away from Zanis' coldcoldwet cheekjawface and drew back in slowlysoftly again, the touches in-and-out like cold snowflakes overon the dark snake's skin and why did it burn when it was so cold..?! "..you didn't say that."
But he had moved away.
The next words could have been specially made for an answer to that unspokenconfusedpuzzled question inside Butter's head just behind his lips.
"It doesn’t count if I didn't say it."
Butter nodded slowlylightly, feeling the burnmuscleflesh pull at his every movement, eyes scarcely daring even to look away from the dark snake's eyes too close they were too close heButter could feel the other's heat his anger his burningangerhatreddisgust it was all because of Butter he was so wrong Butter shouldn't couldn't be here couldn't..! "I can't go." His voice sounded hollow, ringing emptily in the space between them around them floating aimlessly helplessly hanging by its neck above them breathing out its last gasp scattered emptyblankdead in the air.
The zombie didn't resist when Zanis pulled him --why so gently why so carefully whywhywhywhywhy Butter was so wrong he should't handletreat Butter like.. like that-- towards the table again, the gougechunk marks now apparent on the surface of the furniture. Butter was decidedly deadpalecoldsilentblank when the snake pulled him into a sitting position, he merely blinked slowly, once, almost mechanically and the blank sort of puzzledconfused look on his facepaleeyesface and it was merely a slow sort of nod that was given as answerreturn at the pat on the head; it could have been just slumping.
But it was okay.
Zanis had smiled.
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Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 1:56 pm
Everything was gonna be fine, right?
Everything will be fine because they had gotten rid of the assistantpersonthing and Armand was here and people were scared of Armand --though for what reason, Elis couldn’t possibly fathom-- and so having Armand here at the nick of time wasgood and Chou wasn't scared any more because there wasn't any freakyannoying peopleassistantdoctors to be around and make Chou not happy and.. The green experiment's eyes darted across the faerie's face and flicked over to Armand, pursing his lips slightly at the doctor.
And files made Chou not-happy not-shiny again.
And numbers. Numbers.. Numbers made Chou not happy. And not-happy-Chou was.. was bad. Because.. because not-happy-Chou meant not-glittery-Chou, and not-glittery-personpeoplethings were.. they weren't as good as shinyglittery thingspeople, but.. but there was something different about this kind of badbadbadnotgood feeling that went somehow beyond just being not-shiny, because somehow it it didn't matter if Chou was shinyglittery or not shinyglittery just.. just that it was bad numbersfiles were bad and..
"Haaai, it's okay!" The redhead barely gave a glance towards the green experiment, his eyes watching Chou-chan closely --but hopefully not too close-- and reaching out to pat the glitteryshiny pink hair lightly. What had happened to him? Yamagawa had met plenty of experiments with that kind of negative fearful feelings towards being tagged or.. or numbered, but not as much not as worrying not as.. not as bad as Chou-chan.
Sure, that could always somehow include that they were not as pure as Chou-chan would be but god don't think that don't ever--
"I'll take care of everything." Yamagawa stilled his hand with effort, suddenly conscious of the fact that he was patting the pink faerie's head a little too fast, perhaps only just a little, and simply rested his hand on the soft pink locks of hair, a smile easily slipping onto his face as he looked down at Chou. "Don't worry about it."
"Neee~ Armand! Can we hurry so me and Chou could go? It's coooold.." The wyvern reached out and tugged at the cuff of the doctor's gown, eyeing the glitter lying all over the floor and on the walls with barely-suppressed longing before his eyes flicked back up to the redhead again. Because it was, albeit only very slightly starting to be, it was cold and he wanted to go back and have fun with Chou and make Chou happy again and somehow the numbers and the files and the abrupt cutting-off-sentence thing they were bad and.. and Elis didn't want to have Chou feel.. feel bad..
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Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 6:23 pm
Yamagawa-sama said he would take care of it.
Take care of it? How? Elis said that the taggy things had numbers, and if Chou didn’t show Yamagawa-sama his number wouldn’t that make it a problem? Chou didn’t want to be trouble or anything, and wouldn’t that make trouble if Yamagawa-sama tried to get a taggy thing without Chou’s number? If it was going to just not cause trouble, then…Chou didn’t mind showing his number, he really didn’t.
But…but Yamagawa-sama said it would be fine, he would take care of everything, and he didn’t ask or tell Chou to show him number, which meant that Chou didn’t need to tell, right? Which was…it was good, because showing his number would only make it real, and if no one knew then he could at least pretend he didn’t have one.
Still finding the floor the most interesting thing in the world, he nodded slightly, hand tightening briefly around Elis’. If Yamagawa-sama said he would take care of it and it would be fine, then it would be okay and fine and good, right? Swallowing slightly, Chou absently rubbed the side of his neck with his free hand, nodding again as Yamagawa-sama’s hand in his hair slowed to a stop. The…the thing, the ruffling sort of thing had felt nice, but it would mess up his hair and that was just annoying so he was kind of glad Yamagawa-sama had stopped, even if it had felt good and warm and safeish.
Everything was going to be fine…
The thought sunk in, repeating itself quite a bit before burrowing into a part of his mind and laying claim. A second later, the faerie’s head was shooting up, strawberry eyes bright as he looked up at Yamagawa-sama, and he was positively clutching Elis’ arm, glitter practically flinging into the air as his wings waved ecstatically. “That’s right, that’s right, we need to go! I’m gonna help Elis make his room all shiny…sososo we have to goooo!”
It was like nothing had happened. Like the baddoctorperson hadn’t come and they had still just talked about glitter and other good things and the files and the number and the badbad burning hadn’t ever come up. Just like always. Which was good, it was happy and happy was good and if Yamagawa-sama said everything would be fine then everything would be fine so it was okay if he stopped thinking about numbersfiles and thought about gliitery goodness and making Elis’ room glittery goodness.
Giving a delighted, tinkling sort of laugh, he released Elis’ arm, taking one of Yamagawa-sama’s hands and one of Elis’ hands in each of his, tugging gently on both appendages. “Elis lost his rooooooom,” he tattled, brightbright happy hewasfine, and he tugged again on Yamagawa-sama’s hand. “So Yamagawa-sama needs to taaaaaaaake us there. And then we’re going to make it shiny.” He grinned expectantly at the doctor, swinging both captive hands, more glitter flurrying up from his wings. They were going to go and make Elis’ room shiny which would make Elis happy which was good, so Yamagawa-sama had to take them there now, because good was good.
Everything would be fine.
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Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 8:11 pm
He said it again.
Zanis laughed soundlessly, eyes glinting manicallyhappily even though Butter couldn’t see it, because Butter said it again. Said he wouldn’t go, couldn’t go and that was just good and if Butter tried to leave again then Zanis could make him stay and fix him again just like he was doing now and it was goodgoodsoverygood because if Butter was broken then he obviously needed to be fixed. Fixed up so he wasn’t broken anymore, not ever broken because Butter was the most perfect most beautiful doll Zanis had ever seen.
And beautiful perfect dolls were preciousspecialtreasured and should never be broken. So Zanis had to do his duty and fix Butter so Butter wasn’t broken anymore. That was all he was doing now. He was just fixing Butter.
And, completely rationally, he worked out that he didn’t hurt Butter, not really. No, he hadn’t, no ‘not really’ about it. Butter had already been broken, and Zanis hadn’t done anything beyond that. You couldn’t be broken if you were already broken.
And Butter had been. He’d tried to leave, he said he would stay he had lied, and that had been bad, had broken Butter and that meant that Zanis snappingtearing Butter’s wrist like that wasn’t breaking Butter. He hadn’t, Butter had already been broken, already been defective, and now it was Zanis’ job to go and fix Butter fix the broken parts and make Butter better and not broken and it would be good so very good.
He was just fixing Butter.
He hadn’t done a damn thing to break the zombie.
A soft, slightly pleased sound fluttered in his throat at the realization, and he licked the last few traces of Butter’s blood off his fingers while his other hand searched through the various cabinets for the proper supplies he needed. He was sure he had some of them, and what he didn’t have he could probably substitute something else with.
But Zanis hadn’t hurt Butter. He didn’t want to hurt Butter and he hadn’t, because you can’t hurt someone who’s already broken. That was why he was so good at what he did. He just kept going until whatever experimentperson there was was completely broken, and then he killed them. That was just what happened, because broken things couldn’t be hurt anymore.
Pausing slightly in his search for supplies, he glanced over his shoulder at Butter, another pleasedbrightmanic smile lining his face before he turned back to the cabinets.
It didn’t work that way with Butter, did it? Because Butter was already dead, so he couldn’t kill him once he became broken. All that was left to do was fix him when he got broken, so that was what he was going to do. He would fix Butter and Butter would never go just like he said and Zanis would make it so Butter would never ever lie to him again and it would all be good.
Pulling out the last of what he needed, he turned back to the table, another pleased sound making itself known. Butter was so blank, so perfectly, wonderfully blank. And from this angle, with him just sitting still like that --ignoring the bright red burnsstains on his armsneckface-- he looked like some sort of doll, just sitting on a shelf waiting to be sold, and it was such a perfect look, a perfect pretty lovely look on him.
The dark snake settled himself on the edge of the table, dumping the stuff he’d brought with him beside him, and let his gaze trail down the study Butter’s wrist. Somehow, even that was perfectly lovely too, even though it was broken and bleeding and dolls shouldn’t bleed. But it was Butter who was a living doll and living dolls had rules of their own so it was probably okay for Butter to bleed like that, so violently bleeding redreddakrredpretty.
There was the faintest of urge to lean down and lap at the blood like a cat, but he resisted, instead just turning to the supplies he’d pulled from the cabinet.
“You’ll be perfectly fine soon enough,” Zanis said confidently, picking up a wood splint. This…let’s see, this was supposed to…hold the bone in place while it fixed itself, or something, right? In which case…
Gold trailed back down to the zombie’s wrist.
In that case, the bone needed to be put back in place. Because he might have twisted a little too much --hedidn’thurtButter!-- because the open ends of the bone didn’t seem to match up properly. Next time, he reasoned, he would just try to use less force. Or more, depending on the severity of the situation.
He put the splints back down, replacing them in his hands with Butter’s wrist. Without even looking up or giving any sort of warning, he deftly twisted the bone back into place, aligning the two ends with the skill of a pro. Not that he was, he was just so good at puzzles, and knew how things needed to fit.
“Something you should know,” he said conversationally, picking the splints up and looking at them for a long time, before glancing at Butter’s wrist again. What were these supposed to do again? “If I didn’t say, and if you didn’t head it, then it in no way counts. Understand?”
Butter had to get this. He just needed to. Zanis would never ever ever say something false --the truth was usually so much more painful-- but his body didn’t listen and Butter needed to understand that. Otherwise, Butter might do something stupid like try to leave again and if that happened Zanis might not be able to hold his temper quite so well --he’d only held it at all this time because it was Butter and Butter was precious-- and if Zanis lost his temper, really lost it then there was no telling what he’d do. And Butter was just so specialpreciousperfect that it would be such a shame to find out he was too broken to be fixed. That would just be a travesty.
That delightfully morbid thought lingering pleasantly in his mind, he hummed quietly --a stupid habit he picked up from a stupid person he hated with a passion-- and set about fixing up Butter’s wrist.
And just Butter in general.
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:33 am
He couldn't go.
He couldn't go because Zanis said he couldn't go couldn't go away even though he had wanted Butter to go Butter knew that because Zanis had he had moved away which meant he had wanted Butter to go away even though he said he didn't his body didn't want Butter could never ever want Butter because Butter was sosososo wrong so dirty so wrong so brokenfilthy against Zanis' perfectperfectbeautifulness and Butter had to go. Except..
The white pale eyes blankly watchedstared out in front of him, the sound of shuffling and sifting through from the direction of the cabinets lining one wall vaguely reaching the zombie. He looked almost almost like just like a doll, one of those life-sized but so blank so pale so dead so..so wrong, a crude imitation of the actual, real, breathing living people. If not for the brightbright red blood tricklingslipping down his arm and if not for the equally bright redpink marks over on his faceneckarms, Butter could easily have passed for a doll.
His eyes came back to rest once more on the palepalepalewhiteness of the bone, somehow fascinated with the jagged edge, the pure sheer brilliance of it, the curious numbness the lack of feelingsensation to be felt even though it should hurt. It should hurt but it didn't and it was so wrong.
But.. But somehow, somehow doing this to Butter breaking Butter made Zanis happy.
A small, half-something half-nothing flicker passedflashed through the white eyes at the realization, Butter's head turning oh-so-very slightly towards the dark snake as he made a soft noise --whywhywhywhywhy-- that Butter hadn't quite managed to catch, the blank calmness returning to his visagefaceeyes once more settling down like a soft ripple over a surface of water.
He made Zanis happy.
If not by.. by leaving --but Butter said he would stay he would stay Zanis hadn't wanted him to stay yes he did noyesnoyesno if I didn't say it it's nothing-- if not by lying Butter.. Butter could he could he did made Zanis happy because somehow breakingButter makingButterstay made Zanis happygoodnotdarknot angry at Butter anymore and.. and Butter wanted Zanis to be not angry.
And it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt at all when Zanis twisted like that, it didn't hurt didn't feel at all.
And that was okay.
Anythingeverything was okay if it was by Zanis, just like everythinganythingallofit was okay if it didn't hurt, didn't feel, and.. and what Zanis had done was doubly okay because it hadn't hurt it hadn't burned and Zanis had done it it was Zanis no-one nothing none else just Zanis and.. and Butter was okay with it. Even if it hurt, even if it burned even if it was painful, Butter was Butter would be Butter will be okay if it meant Zanis was happy.
And he was.
His head turned just a fraction as the dark snake approached, a slow, raspy slightly scratchy breath seeping again into his lungs as the zombie blinked again, quietlyblanklysilently watching Zanis dump the things onto the table; some of those things he had seen, and.. and Zanis was going to fix him, right? Because.. because if he wasn't, Zanis wouldn't have bothered to bring all these things, bring all of it bring them come back to Butter if Butter didn'thadn't meant anything.
And.. and that meant something, right?
"--Hai." The blankblandpale eyes watched the doctor's movement, watched the slenderperfectprettybeautiful hands picking up the wooden splint, but just as quickly put it down and reached out and...
It was somehow oddly vaguely disturbingly fascinating, watching the pale warmtinglyliving touch of Zanis' fingershands on his own colddead flesh and the brightbrightness of the bone just sliding snapping back into his skin, the blood bubblinggurgling in a slightly nauseating way, but all that the zombie felt was a vague sense of clicking, as if two puzzle pieces had fit in together again. And.. and that also felt right, almost as right as it had felt when Zanis had been happy snappingbreaking Butter.
"--Understand?"
"Hai," the zombie murmured in a quiet, not-quite-comprehending sort of blank voice, almost watching the words slowly filter into his mind and creating small ripples on the darkdarkdark lakepoolwaterice inside him. Wasn't that strange, wasn't that just funny? He had never ever seen the words filtering in intoinside him before. That was different; Zanis was different Zanis was perfect Zanis was beautiful and perfect things were just that, perfect, and.. and so everythinganything that the snake did had to be good and perfect and beautiful as Zanis himself, right? And.. and of course it was it would be there was no way it could be otherwise because Butter was sosososososo very wrong. "If you didn't say it, it doesn't count."
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 9:11 am
“Haa…that is…” Tea was cute, so very very cute it was undeniable, and Tea denying it like that, like some…little…something was just so cute.
But somehow, Zix knew that saying that again would only spell out a death sentence, so he just grinned and turned back to the doors.
“Of course I lock them all,” he said brightly. Six keys down… “Otherwise people would come in and steal my precious…corpses.” Saying family would just make Tea glare at him, and it would probably be a plus if there wasn’t a trace of pity in there. After all, who had a family of corpses and zombies? No, much better to just not say anything like that.
Humming brightly, Zix slid the last three keys in and turned, the final locks tumbling open with a distinct sound. He gave another brightbrighthappy smile to Tea, pushing the right-hand door open and stepping inside, a small wisp of cold air curling out from the opening like some B-movie horror effect. A moment later, he pulled the left-hand door open, letting more cold air leak out, but at the same time letting the warmer air of the hallway seep into the main room of the morgue.
“Wipe your boots.”
The command, curt and sharp, whispered from the corner behind the doors, the dry, raspy voice belonging to a dry, raspy man. Without even looking up from whatever he was scribbling, he just repeated muttered something unintelligibly but decidedly annoyed under his breath as Zix, both doors now open and the warm air circulating, stomped into the room.
Had it been any other place, the man would have looked completely normal. The typical white coat, messy dark hair, thick glasses, all hunched over papers in an unnatural position that caused back problems. If it weren’t for the large hole in his chest, apparent even through the shirt he wore under his assistant’s gown, he would have been just another assistant at just another desk with just another bundle of papers.
But really, this was the morgue.
“Morning, Charlie!” Zix chirped enthusiastically, stomping further into the room. His birds would probably be somewhere…this way… The only downfall to having six huge rooms connecting to the main one was that there were six huge rooms to search in for his birds.
“It’s not morning, you buffoon,” Charlie grumbled, not even glancing up. His voice was the kind of dry rasp that made the person listening begin to long for a glass of water, bringing to mind images of deserts and oceans of sand. “Either use the proper greeting or don’t say anything at all.”
Then he did look up, giving an annoyed glance to the necromancer. “I would much prefer the latter, if you don’t mind.”
The annoyed gaze slid over to Tea, and for the briefest moments his face curled into a slightly disgusted sneer, accompanied by a muttered grumble that sounded suspiciously like, “A living person?” said with the same infliction carried by one who was highly prejudiced against a certain race or religion.
With a dry sigh and a rasp of paper-dry skin, Charlie pulled himself to his feet. “Don’t just stand there,” he said, annoyance already apparent in his voice. With Zix, many things annoyed him. And the assistant was with Zix, and therefore annoyed him already.
Scowling, the zombie turned and stalked to one of the other doors. “I suppose you’ll be wanting something hot?” he called sarcastically over his shoulder, pulling the large door open and disappearing inside. A minute later, he came out, holding what looked suspiciously like a Bunsen burner, which he slammed down at the edge of his desk.
“Well, whatever you want, I will not make for you,” he rasped, shooting another annoyed glare at Tea. “If you want it, have the idiot make it for you.” The zombie jerked a hand over his shoulder towards the open door he’d just left, revealing Zix being mauled by a cluster of birds while he flailed about rather unelegantly, a bright smile apparent on the necromancer’s face even while dead birds tried to eat his face.
No wonder Charlie called him an idiot.
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 10:15 am
"..." Okay. His precious corpses. Great.
Tea had a feeling that the other man was going to say something else, but switched at the last minute --did Zix even have the brain cells needed for such.. such feat?-- but all that the dark-haired assistant gave the necromancer was a muttered hmph and a quick glance with his equally dark eyes, as the door opened.
Pausing for a moment in the doorway --it was coldcoldcoldcold-- and eyeing the pale white frozen-air tendrils clambering out of the room as its --highly impractical-- double doors opened, Tea merely raised a dark eyebrow at the snappish raspy command, eyes sliding from Zix --happy and bright and just as idiotic as ever-- to another figure in the corner looking like ha had just died and been brought back by Zix --Tea mentally vowed to never die anywhere within the vicinity of the necromancer-- hunched over looking absolutely buried in paperwork.
The assistant's eyes slid over the very, very acutely apparent impression of the hole on the man's chest.
...Ah.
"Delighted." Tea replied monotonously, barely acknowledging neither the disgusted sneer nor the somehow racial undertone-like remark --how could you be racially prejudiced against a.. a living person?-- and instead casting his eyes about the room, watching his breath form white cloud-mist in front of him as Tea stepped further into the room.
"..." Well then. Something must have rankled him real deep. Some sort of inner frustration that never ever got to be released and the assistant --Tea couldn’t recall his face, if he had ever met him-- just went and died --but judging from the hole, it was probably an accident.. though it always could have been a more extreme form of suicide-- and now he was taking it out on Tea.
Because of course it just wouldn't work like that on..
Tea's eyes slid over to the other opened door, and to the scene that would have delighted Hitchcock to rubbing his hands gleefully and calling for a roll of film and 'That would be our grand opening scene!'. His lips twitched slightly at the corners as he took time, almost savouring the sight of the incessant pecking of the birds at Zix's face.
He somehow liked the birds already, somewhat.
"Personally, I wouldn't trust him with anything." The tanned assistant replied, shooting an equally-annoyed 'the-feeling-is-mutual' sort of look back at the zombie, even as Tea reached out and assessed the state of the.. Bunsen burner thingystuff.. before he set about doing.. doing whatever he needed because he needed his damn aspirin and now. "The only task he is fit to do would be to walk into a meat grinder."
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:37 am
Good. Good. Butter understood. Even if he was just repeating the words Zanis had said, like some mindless drone, that was okay. Butter said he understood, and besides, he said it all blanklike and so…so perfect so pretty so…doll like and it was just so pretty and perfect and beautiful and it was almost a wonder that Butter could change like that, go from hurtingpainflicker to blankdollnothingness and it was so pretty--!
Another smallsmallteenytinysmile slipped across his face, and the snake reached out, running his fingers through the dark coarse bangs. “That’s good,” he murmured, trailing the tips of his fingers down the side of the zombie’s face, over the cheekbone and just generally marveling and appreciating the way the palepaledead skin flared pinkredhot under his touch. “If you understand, that’s good.”
It was almost almost annoying how he could touch Butter like this, but he knew he hadn’t been able to touch him before. How only if he was hatehatehatedark he could touch Butter, because the coolcalmdark feelings spreadblanketedcovered everything hotburningfiery inside of him and made the hot feelings smother and roll over into submission, even if just for this little bit. But he couldn’t do that before, couldn’t touch Butter --not yet-- when he wasn’t hatehatehatedark, when the hot feelings rose up and tried to choke him.
And he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it again, not immediately at least. When the nicecalmcool dark feelings faded and vanished --they always did-- then the burning would come back and try to eat him from the inside out again and it would hurt hurthurthurt and he so didn’t want to risk that.
But…
But letting the burninghotfire take over for even that short amount of time had almost made him lose Butter, and now Butter was broken --nothurt!hedidn'thurtButter-- and that was just a bad thing because Butter shouldn’t ever be broken, not inside or outside so Zanis had to fix him. Fix him up so that Butter was better on the outsideinside and just all around good.
He’d have to fix himself up too. Have to somehow try and push past the burnfireheat so he could touch Butter, because he didn’t know why but he did know that he couldn’tshouldn’t everneverever lose Butter not ever. If he lost Butter, something bad would happen, and he wouldn’t get Butter back. And that was so bad. Zanis didn’t understand what was happening to his, didn’t get what these feelings meant or represented or anything, but…
He needed Butter.
Somehow, at his veryinnerdeepestdarkest core, below the coolcalmdarkhate and below even the burningfieryhotness, Zanis knew that. He knew he needed Butter. And he didn’t know why and it was so frustrating but not too much, really, because needing Butter meant that Butter had to stay and Butter couldn’t go Zanis wouldn’t let him go Butter had said he would stay he’d said it--
Without realizing he had been doing it, his fingers had continued strokingstreaming through Butter’s bangshair, long after his mind even registered what he was doing anymore. And it was good, it meant the coolcalmhatedarkness hadn’t faded just yet and he could he could touch Butter and that was a good thing. Such a good thing, and he would hate it when the burningfieryhotnesswarmth came back and tried to keep him away from Butter because this time Zanis would work better at…at pushing through it instead of skittering away from it.
Butter was on the other side of the fireheatwarmth.
“Mine,” he murmured, sweeping a thumb across the zombie’s cheekbone, the skin leaving a harsh comet after, marking his trail. “You’re still mine, and that means you can’t leave. Not yet. Not ever.”
Zanis would never give Butter up. Not even if someone came along who could hold him down while they dragged Butter away. If that happened he would tear them apart when he got the chance and reclaim Butter. Butter was Zanis’. No one else wanted Butter anymore, they had thrown Butter out and Zanis had claimed him as his own and he’s mine!
With little thought, he leaned over, resting his head on the zombie’s shoulder and absently nuzzling the paleprettyflarered neck, hand pausingflutteringresting in the darkcoarseButter’s hair. While he still could, while the coolcalmdark still lasted and smothered the firehotburning into nothing, while it still didn’t hurt, he needed to get close, needed to be close and stay close just for this little while and keep Butter close because he knew before too long it would hurt sososomuch just being near Butter, being beside Butter, not to mention touching Butter. So he just had to reap this for all it was worth, because no matter what he was feeling for Butter, it would take a bit of time to push past the burninghotwarmth.
If only…if only he never had to let the calmsweetcoolddarkness fade away. If only he could somehow keep this high, keep it and tether it somewhere inside of him and call upon it whenever the burning rose too fartoofast, and then it could just settle down and smother the heat. If only it didn’t fade.
Zanis had never understood why the cooldarkness faded, no matter how he tried his very best to just keep it. Why couldn’t it stay for eternity, just beatingsmotheringcovering the burninghot feelings into submission? Why?
So since it was going to fade, Zanis would keep Butter close now, keep him close touch him and make sure he doesn’t leave because as good as it had been, he really didn’t want to break Butter. He wanted to fix Butter.
He sighed slightly, tongue sliding out to lap at the edges of the marks his hand had left. If there were burns he had to…to cool them down, right? At this particular moment in time, it didn’t occur to him that licking the burns might just make them worse. No, if there were burns he needed to lick them and cool them down and make them go away because as pretty as they were they didn’t work on doll Butter, they only worked on not doll Butter. Doll Butter needed to be like a China doll, or a porcelain doll, with perfectflawlessuncracked skin and blankblankblank eyes and the burnedredangrypink skin just didn’t work so he had to make them go away.
The broken wrist was all but forgotten.
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 3:05 am
For a long minute, Charlie just watched Tea, eyes unreadable, arms crossed --not necessarily a good thing, as it tended to emphasize that hole in his chest, which by this time he’d pretty much forgotten-- and he pretty much stared at the living assistant. Not in any sort of wonder or bafflement or anything, just a calm, flat stare, appraising the other’s worth as a person.
Then his eyes trailed back to the doorway, where the idiot was still trying to feed his stupid birds, who would much rather eat his face off than munch on any sort of stuff he threw out. And…ohgod, he’d roped one of the smaller zombies into flailing about at the birds, trying to get the carnivorous little things away from Zix long enough so Zix could get the bag open. Charlie had never understood it when the little ones or the newer ones had such a deep adoration for the necromancer. Couldn’t they see he was an idiot?
He couldn’t even do his paperwork. What kind of person was that?
“Yeeeeees,” the zombie said slowly, gaze sliding back to Tea. Even if he was living, he was just like Charlie --even though he was living-- and as such gained some sort of credence. “A meat grinder…that would be good.”
His gaze trailed back to the necromancer, and he let out a dejected sigh. “Probably couldn’t find one big enough, though.” Shame, that. If they ever did find a meat grinder big enough, Charlie would be the first one pushing, and this…this other assistant would most likely be right there beside him. And Charlie might not even protest, even though he was living --it all came back to Tea being living-- if it got rid of Zix, because anyone who wanted a swing at Zix was good in Charlie’s book.
Idiot would probably be laughing as he was chopped to death, too.
Huffing, Charlie uncrossed his arms and settled back behind the desk, eyes already fastened to whatever paper he’d been working on before the two interrupted.
“There’s glasses on the other side of the room, in the dark brown cabinets, and I would suggest using the ice in the little freezer beside the cabinets if you want to drink it. Otherwise, just chip a piece off anywhere.”
That said, he went back to scribbling, promptly ignoring the other assistant. He acknowledged that, in this case, the two sides could band together against one common enemy, and he’d held a comrade-in-arms for this moment, but unless he was needed he had more pressing matters at hand.
Honestly, what kind of person can’t even fill in a cause of death? If it weren’t for the fact that the documents always needed Zix’s swoopy swirly stupidlooking signature, Charlie would have tried to kill the idiot off a long time ago.
A moment later, Zix came back through the doorway, rolling the now-half-empty bag up as he pulled the door shut. A fair number of little claw and scratch marks decorated his face --mostly around the ears, they protruded and were easier to snag, in the birds’ opinions-- not that he appeared to notice or care about the little cuts that were almost bleeding. Almost, because he’d need to go out into the hall for the specks of blood to unfreeze. That was one good thing about living in a sub-zero climate. Any major wounds would just freeze over before loss of blood became apparent. Zix had once sliced his leg open and had been fine for days just walking around on it, because the blood just froze right up.
Come to think of it…it really hadn’t been a problem until he’d been called to a meeting…
“So, you’ve met Charlie? How did you two get along?” Zix gave a bright smile, still rolling at the top of the bag. Something…about the atmosphere of the room said that perhaps it would be better to take these two on alone and not in the same room.
Together, there was just that much more oozing ‘hate-Zix’ness.
Oh well. That just meant he had yet to win Tea over.
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 3:21 pm
It would all be fine. Armand was going to take them to his room --or alternatively, tell them where to exactly go because Elis could not find his way over to anywhere for the life of him-- and they won't be lost and not being lost was good because it meant that you were somewhere somewhere that you knew and knowing where you were where you are what you are was just good because knowing was good..
And if they got out of these hallways into his room, then maybe Elis could show Chou all his other shiny things and they could have fun and play and.. and it would be just fun and Chou won't be feeling bad..!
Because, for some reason, it hurt. It hurt if Chou wasn't happysmilingglittery and it was wrong because he never hurt, they said he wouldn't hurt anymore wouldn't wouldn't have to hurt anymore and he was hurting now and.. and it was bad..!
"--we have to gooo!"
The next minute, Yamagawa found himself being dragged along by his hand, clutched tightly within one of Chou-chan's, Elis looking equally baffled as himself and just more than a little quieter than he perhaps should have been-- His green eyes silently scrutinized the wyvern's face, over the bobbing happyhappyhappy glitterness of the pink faerie. Perhaps too quiet; Elis was never the one to miss the chance of whining at Yamagawa, after all.
Elis's eyes sharply refocused again, the irises that were narrowed into slits slowly readjusting back to the more normal rounded form again, as the wyvern met the redhead's stare and just gave a wide, cheerful-as-he-can-be grin. "Ne, ne? Andandandand-- You have to come by again! To.. to see how the glitterness went! Yes!"
"Hai, hai." The doctor merely shrugged, lips quickly forming a returning grin back at the green experiment --don'tdon'tdon'tshowhimyou'reworrieddon't-- his hand marginally tightening around Chou's as the taller male stirred them around a corner. Yamagawa straightened slightly, his eyes sweeping the area --stone wall, stone wall, door, door, door, wall, door, wall...-- and muttering to self. "Now, where are we..?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:28 pm
He had said.
He had said he would stay, then he had tried to leave, and he had made Zanis mad at him mad at Butter and it was all his fault that Zanis got mad because.. Because Butter had lied Zanis said Butter lied lied to Zanis and Zanis wasiscouldbe never wrong, could never be wrong could never be like that because.. because it was Zanis, and.. and so it was all Butter's fault so it was okay if Zanis got mad at him because it was his fault..
The zombie nodded slightly, eyes flicking from staring at the blankblankblank wall --so dolllike so still so quiet so pale so sososo dead-- to meet the goldenyellowbrilliant ones of the dark snake, the slightly coarse locks of hair giving little resistance under the pale slender fingers --so very hothothotwarmtinglyhot-- as they ran through Butter's dark hair.
Butter merely tilted his head slightly at the motion, feeling but not feeling the hotburningtinglyhurting touches, almost almost seeing the palered trailing down his cheekboneskinface but it didn't hurt it hurt it was strange wasn't strange so sosososovery right. His lips opened, bloodless pale lips tinged still with the faint mark of Zanis' lips, and the zombie blinked once more, eyes catchingwatching the other's face blanklyclosely Zanis had smiled again. "--I understand."
And he did; he did understand. He wasn't allowed to go, he wasn't allowed to go do anything against what Zanis wanted because alleverythinganything that actually mattered actually counted was what Zanis wanted. If Zanis wanted him to go, Butter would go. If Zanis wanted him to stay, he would. He.. Butter would do anything that Zanis wanted. Anything and everything all of it because it was Zanis.
And weren't perfectperfectbeautiful thingspeopleperson always to be obeyed?
But.. The palepale gaze flickered just so slightly, though his expression had not changed, as Butter tilted his head just a fraction of an inch, drawing closerawayyesnoyes to the fluttering light burningwarmth of the touches.
But what did he want...?!
Zanis had wanted him back; and that was good. Butter knew that, he understood that, it was a good thing. Because.. because if even Zanis hadn't wanted him, wanted Butter, then.. then Butter didn't know wherewhathowwhat to do, and if he didn't know what to do then he was a nothing, more than a simple nothing, he had nothing was nothing wanted nothing wanted by nothing..!
And now Zanis wanted him again wanted him to stay stay and never ever go because Zanis wanted him to stay and.. and at least Butter knew that, he knew what Zanis wanted, for the moment, and Butter would do what Zanis wanted and stay because.. because Zanis had said he has to stay and Butter he too he had said he would he would stay and never ever leave.
He wouldn't leave.
Besides, the.. the notangry nothot nothurting notangrynevereverangry.. feelingtoucheslookfeel of Zanis was.. was good, because angryhotburninghurting Zanis was bad and.. and it was bad it was so sosososovery wrong so very bad ifwhen Zanis had cried those hotburningcoolstrange tears why did it burn like that why because Butter had done something wrong, said something wrong did something wrong and made Zanis cry and..and perfect things couldshould never, ever cry like that.
But he had.
And it was all all Butter's fault.
"--Yours." The zombie barely gave a flinch, barely gave a flicker painpainpainburninghurting eyes at the swipegentlehot touch over his cheekbone, feeling in a vague, misty detached way the deadcoldpale skin flaringburning up under Zanis' thumb. But it didn't hurt.
His hand twitched, the blood gurgle easily heard, and Butter's eyes flicked down again, looking almost quizzical at the broken wrist, almost almost wanting the whitewhite so white gleamshimmer of bone again, almost wanting the purity never pure Butter wasn't pure he was wrong--
After a little hesitation of sorts, the zombie carefullycarefully raised his other hand, his not wrong hand, coming to rest atop Zanis' own where it was stillpausedperched on the dark hair of the zombie. Another sweep of the eyelashes covering the whitepaledead depths of Butter's eyes came involuntarily as he felt the lightstrangeso strange nuzzlingburning, a light sound --but what? somethingnothing notquitepain notquitenothingsomething-- escaping his throat and it burned but it didn't it didn't hurt..
"What do you want..?" Butter whispered, spoken more to the empty unstirring air before him than to the dark-haired male resting against so close too close too much against his shoulder too too close..! His hand over Zanis' shivered slightly, wantingneeding to let go not yet not quite yet just a little more-- "What do you want..?"
Because Butter would do anything Zanis wanted, anything Zanis wanted anything Zanis wanted to have anything everything and Butter didn't matter because what mattered was Zanis and Zanis was perfect the perfectest beautifulest personthingsomething that Butter had ever known ever remembered and Zanis was something something differentspecialgoodperfect..!
And Butter wouldn't mind it, wouldn't mind doing anythingeverything for Zanis. Because he was perfect.
Even the burninghotwet feeling trailing aroundon the redswollen marks that the doctor's hand had left behind. Zanis' mark. Zanis.
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Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:26 am
Chou gave a mock gasp of distress, bursting into giggles the next second. “Does that mean Yamagawa-sama doesn’t know where we are eeeeeeeitheeeeer?” He giggled again, hands tightening around Elis’ and Yamagawa-sama’s.
“Thaaaaat’s okaaay,” he sang happily, resisting the urge to twirl --that would just jerk the others’ arms-- and instead just hummed brightly as he trailed along. “Cause we’re not loooooost. We have Elis and Yamagawa-sama and Chou, so it’s all okay.” He giggled again, grip shifting on Elis’ arm so that he was now clinging to said arm, rather than just holding the green experiment’s hand.
Because it was weird, but Elis was safe, safer than even Yamagawa-sama and even though it was reassuring to be holding Yamagawa-sama’s hand, it felt even more reassuring when he was holding Elis’ hand.
Which, in turn, meant that if he was holdingtouching more of Elis’ armhand, then it would feel even more reassuring. And reassuring was good, was safe. Reassuring kept all the bad thoughtsfeelings away and only left the good ones and didn’t make people worry about Chou, which was good because…because it was bad if people worried about Chou.
He didn’t know why…it was just bad.
“Yesyesyes, Yamagawa-sama will have to come and see the glitterness later, yes! We will make Elis’ room shiiiiiiiiiiiny!” Another happy spray of glitter weaved out, doing a dandy job of making everything else they passed shiny too. It was probably a good thing there weren’t any other people currently occupying these hallways at the moment. Some of them might not appreciate being bombarded with glitter like…
Ne, did Elis and Yamagawa-sama mind? Causecause they said they liked his glitter, butbut what if they didn’t like his glitter being all over covering them? What if they liked the shiny but didn’t like it touching them? What if--
The faerie’s face flickered only a little bit before he was clinging again, practically nuzzling Elis arm. Elis was goodsafereassuring and drove all the bad thoughts away and those ‘what if’s were definitely veering towards bad thoughts so if he got happyclose to Elis then the bad thoughts would go away and stop bothering him and just not be there. And that would be good, because one bad thought led to another and then another and then they were talking all about filesnumbersburning so the bad thoughts needed to stop.
And Elis was good at that. Just…just being close to Elis stopped the bad thoughts like nothing else ever had before. Not even cake, which was weird, because cake was so good that it seemed like it should just banish all the bad thoughts away, but it didn’t. No, cause Elis did that, and that just meant he had to stay by Elis so the bad things couldn’t try to eat him.
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 3:56 am
Butter understood. He'd said he did. Words were so important that it was imperative hat Butter knew that, that Butter understood. Because Butter had said he wouldn't go, said he would stay, said he was Zanis', and by saying that he had made them true, and even if he hadn't said the words "I promise' saying what he did was just as good as an oath. And breaking an oath was a kind of betrayal Zanis didn't easily forgive.
So it was a very good thing that Butter understood. It meant that Butter couldn'twouldn't try to leave again.
Because he'd said he would stay.
Which on the one hand was a good thing, since if Butter was staying, there was no real reason for Zanis to get mad or hate or anything. But it was bad for that same reason because if Zanis wasn't mad anymore if he wasn't hating anythingeverything, then the coolcalmdark laerblankey would fade and those burningsearingbad feeling would sweep back in and try to push him away from Butter and Zanis didn't like that idea, didn't like it at all. He liked touchingkissingholdingbeingnear Butter. And he didn't want--
--anything. Zanis didn't want anything. not even in his head. If he didn't want anything he couldn't ever be disappointed when it didn't follow through. If he never wanted anything, never admitted anything...
"What do you want?"
but...but maybe...just this once...he could...
The snake's hand quivered almost imperceptably under Butter's touch, a soft sigh pulling its way out of his body. What did he want, beyond Butter staying? Just a few minutes ago he had been screaming for Butter to stay because it was so important tht he didn't let the zombie go. But why? Wht had he gotten so mad, so panicked that Butter was leaving? Why had he cried?
He sighed again, eyes slipping shut slowly, the last few unshed teardrops yeilding and falling back without dripping down his cheeks. He had cried, cried over Butter when he'd never cried over anythinganyone before. He'd cried because...because...
Because Butter was important to him.
Zanis giggled slightly, letting his eyes open again, the pretty gold orbs slightly shiny under the lights, but with no danger of any more tears falling.
"Silly Butter." The doctor shifted eversoslightly, hand twisting and flipping to gently grasp Butter's good hand. "Silly silly. You still don't understand, do you?"
He tittered in his throat, pressing a softflutter peckofakiss against the side of the zombie's neck-- "I" --on the curving line of the jaw-- "want" --at the corner of the palebloodless lips-- "you." One last kidd on the zombie's temple, to seal the words in place and mark it.
It was the first time he'd ever truly wanted anything with every fibre of his being.
And it was Butter he wanted.
the burning rose up at that thought, stronger than before, and for a long moment Zanis sat there still, face pressed in Butter's hair, grip tightening almost convulsively on Butter's hand, breathing in the nice cold sort of smell the other let off and just doing his very best not to pull back. He didn't want to pull back, didn't want to let go neverlethimgo didn't want to lose Butter.
He didn't even want to chance losing Butter.
Funny how, when it came to Butter, he could so easily admit all the things he wanted, all the things he'd never let himself want before.
Swallowing against the burn --if he could get past this, it would be a good thing-- Zanis nuzzled gently at Butter's hair, the sweetcoldchilly smellfeel kindofsortofmaybe dampening the burning in his throat. If...ififif he stayed this close to Butter, would the burn go away entirely? It seemed a strange idea, because the burningfeeling came when he got too close to Butter, but...but this close touchingholdingsmelling Butter maybesortof made the burning go away just the littlest bit...maybe...
In which case, he could never ever ever let go, not ever. If he let go, Butter might vanish, and as much as he burningheat hurt, it felt good being this close to the zombie.
'You're special," Zanis murmured to the dark locks, knowing his soft words were just loud enough to be heard. He didn't know why he was repeating this, but...there was something he needed to work out, something about Butter...and maybe Butter could help home understand it, if he explained what was inside of him carefuly enough.
"You're special and beautiful nd perfect and you're everything I've ever looked for in everyone else. So you won't go."He blinked, staring across the top of Butter's head, still nuzzling slightly at the side of the zombie's head.
'You can't go..."
Because it was so important for Butter to be here, be with Zanis, to just stay. This was suddenly beyond Butter just saying it, because it was something else, something so..so...deeper and burning and it hurt but he needed to keep Butter here, stay with Butter because Butter was that important.
How important Zanis didn't know, but he was important enough that the burninghotbad feeling was trying to eat him alive. And that was impotant.
With extreme reluctance, Zanis pulled away, letting his hand linger a moment longer around Butter's before wriggling free. Much as he liked sitting here with Butter like this, it hadn't escaped his attention the earlier gurgling sort of bubbly sound the zombie's handwrist had made, all broken and shattered and needing to be fixed.
It was strange, really strange what Butter could do to him. He'd almost completely forgotten that Butter was broken and needed to be fixed up, just by sitting here with the zombie.
Zanis smiled gently, eyes roaming over the vaguely unfamiliar materials he'd grabbed. "I'll fix you up in no time," he mumbled, briefly studying the raggedgapingtearwound on the zombie's wrist, before turning back to the stuff.
He'd forgotten what he was supposed to do to fix broken bones...
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 12:33 pm
Tea, no matter what you do, do not look at his goddamned chest.
That thought alone was disturbing enough --there was a giant hole big huge gigantic big hole a hole in his chest-- to make anyone blanch slightly, but all that showed on the tanned assistant's face was something akin to a sort of polite bored curiosity as he stared --or looked-- back at the zombie; Charlie, wasn't it?
And great, now he was stuck with a zombie assistant with.. with a hole in his chest --don't look at it don't look at it don't look-- who seemed to be staring at him like Tea is the one with the gaping big hole --don't-- and even though it lacked any kind of feelings whatsoever, it was somehow made all the more unnerving by that and will he stop staring for god's sake--!
The shrieking and flapping of wings coming from the next room didn't really help either; god, it was the morgue, wasn't it? It was the morgue driving everyone nuts with the zombies and the dead birds eating your face and that was it that was it, he was getting out of here out into the sane part--but was there any place around here that was actually sane?
Tea was close to rubbing his temple at the throbbing --and increasingly so-- headache pulsing there and just ignoring the other and going back to.. whatever he was going to do --Water. Ice. Melting. Yes.-- when the said zombie finally stopped scrutinizing him long enough to speak.
"A meat grinder... that would be good."
"Hm, I don't know." The tanned assistant blinked slightly, the only non-polite non-blank look that he gave to the other assistant since they met. The prospect of actually getting rid of Zix wasn't very too desirable after how it had all fallen through because of that stupid stupid stupid doctor-- His eyes narrowed slightly at the memory, and he shot another thinly-veiled glare at the necromancer, happily oblivious to any of the negative 'kill-kill-kill' thoughts going on in the main front room.
Note to self: find an industrial shredder.
Tea merely nodded in assent to the rather helpful --well, more than Zix was at the moment anyway-- 'how-to-prepare-a-drink-in-the-morgue', and eyed the coffee-maker doubtfully; he wasn't much of a fan of sludge-coffee, or whatever it was, and besides, you couldn't take your pills with coffee. Which just meant that he would have to somehow melt down the fricking ice everywhere --but no, he couldn't just use any ice; god knows what was in it-- and take the med before he.. exploded. Or something.
And why wasn't he just up and leaving?
"We were merely discussing some.." Tea at there shot a quick look at Charlie, who was now once more smothered in stacks of paper. "--technical theories."
He neglected to mention the scratches on the necromancer's face. Because it wasn't like he cared, right?
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Posted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 12:34 pm
The zombie almost almost started at the titter-laughing sound that the other had made, almost drew back, almost almost almost went away again but no, no he couldn't Butter couldn't go because he had promised and.. and promises were.. they were important and.. and.. and it was Zanis. Butter had promised to Zanis that.. that he wouldn't go, couldn't go he couldn't go because it had made Zanis cryingbreakangrysomethinghurtingnothurting and.. and Butter..
Butter didn't want Zanis to hurt.
He just closed his eyes --Zanis' hand was shaking; why was it shakingwhy?-- and took a sort of quiet, slightly dry sort of breath, ignoring the flare of pain that passed through him when the warm breath of the other washed over his skin and it was okay it was okay it was okayitwasokayitwasokayit will be okay--
And then came those three words, words sealedmarkedburntinto by the lightflutterysomething kisses on his skinneckjawlipsface and it was.. it was...
Zanis wanted him.
He said it. He said he wanted Butter. And.. and Zanis also said before --what before?-- when he was so sosososoveryangry madheatedburninghot hurting Butter because he had tried to leave when the zombie promised Butter promised to not to and he had and when Zanis had said that unless he said it, it wasn't true and Zanis said he wanted Butter.
Not the deadness, not the burningheathurtingness, but allofit everythinganything all of Butter and Zanis did should have would have meant that, right? Zanis would have meant.. that he actually would have meant Butter, right? Not.. not anything else, Butter, and all of Butter all of himself all of it. All of himself. He Zanis said.
And.. and because Zanis said it, he actually said it he said he wanted Butter he didn't do anything else he said it, so.. so it.. it was, right? Because if it wasn't if Zanis didn't say anything, then.. then it had to be it was if Zanis said it.
And he said he wanted Butter.
But.. but what Zanis said, it was true; he didn't understand, Butter couldn't understand why. Why Butter? Why.. why him? Butter was.. Butter was he wasn't right. Far from it. Butter was dead and he was wrong and.. and it was bad they shouldn't Zanis shouldn't want him he couldn't want Butter because Zanis was perfect and.. and he couldn't couldn't want anything so wrong so not-perfect so.. so wrong as Butter because it just was so sosososovery wrong...
The deadblank pale eyes flickered slightly with something as Butter took another slightly scratchy breath in, almost out of habit that an actual sort of need for air, needing to say it wanting to say it say but he couldn't because.. because Zanis being here, Zanis being here so close Zanis' warmth burningtingling so close too close Zanis' touch Zanis' smellfeelsomething and.. and Zanis, just Zanis it was so good so nice so so very righ--
--no, no, it's all wrong Zanis couldn't want him, not ever never ever...!
"You're special,"
His hand shook softly, almost as if an invisible earthquaketremorshakingsomething had shot through his body from top to toe and it was a tingly, almost electrical feeling and it was so strange so different but notbad notgood nothurting nothing nothing bad couldn't be bad never, because.. because somehow Zanis saying those words, Zanis saying it, so close to Butter so close so touching him wanting Butter that was special, that was good and good things couldwould never ever be bad, and Zanis had said it--
"I--" Butter stopped, the rest of the words filtering into his mind falling falling down softlyquietly into the darkblankness it couldn't go couldn't go away it shouldn't disappear no not ever couldn't disappear Butter didn't want to forget he didn't.. He didn't want to...
Zanis.. had called him perfect.
But Butter wasn't. He was broken and he was dead and he was so sosososo wrong not perfect not ever perfect because perfect thingspeople were like Zanis, beautifulperfectbrightness burning Butter almost hurtingburning Butter with the absolute perfect-ness and it was beautiful Zanis was beautiful. Not Butter.
"--I can't go." Butter whispered out the words, almost sighing, and closed his lips again, slowly, eyes blinking a little hand still clasped around Zanis' clasping back so close feeling the warmth heat hurting notquiteness maybegood good notbad so strange..
The bloodless pale eyes watched Zanis' fingers slip away from his, taking a moment to almost watch the pinkrawness rising up over the dead cold skin and almost almost admiring, fascinated, by the slow, almost sluggish colour change. Everything seemed like it was going in slow-motion, every movement being noticed, everything anything all of it so preciousdifferentperfect.
"--Why?" Butter tilted his head slightly to one side and just watched the doctor. If it wasn't for that little motion, it would have seemed like the zombie hadn't said a word. His eyes flicked for a moment at the smile on Zanis' face, before he too, followed the dark snake's gaze and looked down at the brokenmangled wrist. "---Why me?"
Because.. Because Butter was so wrong..
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![[.lunatic.fringe.]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/39/78/48c0f7121f7839_flip.png?t=1200795449_6.00_00)
